Loneliness & Depression

davy12

Hi,


I'm a semi-regular poster on here so I've decided to create a new account for this topic – I hope this is okay.


My problem is one which has been ongoing since my youth – I'm now in my early 30's.


All through my life I have struggled to make and maintain friends. Whilst I was never unpopular I also never had a group of actual friends – those which I did socialise with were probably better described as acquaintances.


In my 20's I got very depressed and down about my lack of social life, friends, and success with the opposite sex. I went to the doctor who put me on Fluoxetine (Prozac) and sent me for counselling. Over the period of my mid 20's I went for three separate courses of therapy – ranging from CBT, to sitting listening to a guy rambling, and suchlike. None of these courses have helped me and almost 5 years on I find myself still in the same place as I was before.


I thought my last course helped, but in reality what it made do was accept that this was my lot and I've pretty much given up now on marriage, kids, etc due to my age and current position.


Recently I've started to get that sinking feeling which I remember all too well. I'm getting depression again.


I live in the north currently and I find it to be a very cliquey place. All the country people seem to stick together based on their county/school and the city people do similar. That of course is a massive generalisation, but it is I find to be quite true. It is very hard I find to break into social groups.


In fact I really can't see how to do it. I don't know how to make friends as I have never had any. I am polite etc and people don't seem to get bad vibes from me – it is just there is no next step.


It is something that was brought up in my counselling and was put down to a traditional home where conversation was not about idle chat but only to rely messages and information. Hence, my chitchat and ability to have conversations is quite awkward.


I don't know how to vercome this problem. I don't want to leave Belfast, as i am a bit of a homebird and I like my job. However, there is also the fact that I may be running away from my problems which will not be solved by this approach.


I have no-one to do anything with – I even got to cinema holiday alone. It may be 'independent' but it is lonely and horrible when you see couples and groups. It makes me very sheepish worthless. I can't think how to break this horrible cycle that I am stuck in. I have only had 1 weekend night out since February this year.


I do not know if going back to the doctor will help me. I think they may have tried all avenues with me. So I guess I am on my own here. It feels as if my life has ground to a halt and I am now merely existing.


How do I turn this around? I have tried with people to be friendly but it is not acted upon. I worked during the week and go to gym 3 nights per week. I have tried night classes etc, but all to no avail.


Anyone I knew from school or Uni (admittedly only a few) have gone their separate ways – different countries, marriage, etc. I am now struggling even moreso in my 30's than I expected.


I just want to give it one more try before I hang the gloves up...

magneticimpulse

check out meetup.com and search for groups in Belfast. They seem to have at least 6 social groups in Belfast. I think the more you get out, the less time you have to think about being lonely as you will be occupied.

Also maybe try some vitamins. 5-HTP is meant to be good as it is a precusor amino acid to serotonin. Also Vitamin B6 is required for healthy brain cells. Take a look in Holland and Barrett. Some herbal teas are also good.

Also get some things from LUSH. Get a few bath bombs etc. A bath in some nice smelly stuff can help you relax and just chill out. Get some uplifting massage bars...i find they work wonders when I am stressed or down and put me in a good mood.

sex panther

how about sport?? i dunno like a 5 aside soccer thing? you go to the gym so ur prob not allergic to physical activity, You seem like a lovely person so you deserve to meet nice people, dont give up hope

Red Hand

It can be hard, OP. There are times in one's life when one is alone, for various reasons. Maybe cause they are in a new country or new job or whatever. Or just haven't clicked with the right people yet.

I suggest you take up something that you have an interest in (or were interested in in the past). Is there anything from childhood that made you go "gosh, I'd love to do that!!! But I'm too young/don't have the money etc". Well, now is the time to try it. Do it for you and yourself...not to meet new people-rather meeting people through it may be a (good) side-effect. Lose yourself in it, and your mind will be focused on something that makes you happy.

Me, I'm a bit like you. I really don't have any close friends....more acquaintances, but then again, I am grateful for at least that. There were times when I went weeks and months with little contact with anyone.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I am sorry to hear your plight. I don't have the time right now to write a long reply but I guess what struck me from reading your post is an element of self fulfilling prophecy. It just sounds like you have convinced yourself that you have no social skills and have accepted that is always going to be the case.

If your thought are negative the rest will follow. For example one person goes into a party where they don't know anyone. The first one has negative thoughts. This is going to be awful, no-one is going to speak to me, I am going to be like a spare part etc. At the party they act self-conscious, one person perhaps ignores them and hey presto your scenario in your head has come true.

Another person thinks in the same situation ok this might be awkward but sure I will be friendly and maybe meet some cool people, have a bit of craic. they too might be ignored once but will continue to make an effort to chat and most likely will end up having a good time. The person who ignored them is a distant memory where as in your case it a big focus.

part of the issue with depression etc. is that ironically it can lead to an element of self-absorption. I know it is a serious illness and I am not dismissing it but a person can become very introspective and presume people are ignoring them, being rude or talking about them when sometimes this is not the case. I shared a house with someone who was depressed and everything was always about her. If someone was rude to her (in a shop or something) she talked about it for weeks. The thing is this shopkeeper was rude to everyone but she interpreted that it was just her.

I also believe that depression is anger turned against the self so I wonder OP do you have issues expressing anger?

What I would suggest is that maybe you should attend a group therapy for depression. Am sure they must have some in the north. In Dublin they have aware.ie. Also I know your therapy was not successful but have you tried CBT yet? It is very useful for treating depression and looking at negative thought patterns. Its very directive so you won't have somebody rambling on.

Sometimes we have to chose happiness we are not born that way. Maybe tomorrow go for a walk and smile and say hello to people and just guage their reaction. if you go to the shop try and make a bit of chat and be friendly - see how it goes. Don't give up if one person is rude. Go for ten people.

Finally, my advice when you feel self conscious or awkward with someone ask them about themselves, take the focus off you and ask question. People love talking about themselves. Be interested

Sorry OP I hope this is not too preachy. I may have gone way off track as I forgot some of your OP. Best of luck and go out and get the help you deserve, value yourself and the rest will follow.

davy12

magneticimpulse wrote: »

check out meetup.com and search for groups in Belfast. They seem to have at least 6 social groups in Belfast. I think the more you get out, the less time you have to think about being lonely as you will be occupied.

I did join onto Meetup last year. However, i did not see any groups which appealed to me. I really don't see the point in going somewhere where you have no interest in the activity - I really do think it will show through. I've just taken another look at it and there seems to be two social groups on there which I'll look into closer.
However, I'm a bit 'traditional' and it feels weird doing stuff like this over the 'net. But I suppose the trad way hasn't worked for me.

Also maybe try some vitamins. 5-HTP is meant to be good as it is a precusor amino acid to serotonin. Also Vitamin B6 is required for healthy brain cells. Take a look in Holland and Barrett. Some herbal teas are also good.

I think my diet is okay. For various reasons my mineral and vit levels are monitored by doctors regularly.

Also get some things from LUSH. Get a few bath bombs etc. A bath in some nice smelly stuff can help you relax and just chill out. Get some uplifting massage bars...i find they work wonders when I am stressed or down and put me in a good mood.

As a bloke it is not my thing, but I do get the odd massage

davy12

sex panther wrote: »

how about sport?? i dunno like a 5 aside soccer thing? you go to the gym so ur prob not allergic to physical activity, You seem like a lovely person so you deserve to meet nice people, dont give up hope

Thanks - I do go to gym, but I don't play team sports. I only go there for exercise. I've tried meeting people at the classes, but in my experience people go there do their class and go home. They treat it as an exercise class (which it is) not a place to meet new friends.

davy12

Jeremiah 16:1 wrote: »

It can be hard, OP. There are times in one's life when one is alone, for various reasons. Maybe cause they are in a new country or new job or whatever. Or just haven't clicked with the right people yet.

I suggest you take up something that you have an interest in (or were interested in in the past). Is there anything from childhood that made you go "gosh, I'd love to do that!!! But I'm too young/don't have the money etc". Well, now is the time to try it. Do it for you and yourself...not to meet new people-rather meeting people through it may be a (good) side-effect. Lose yourself in it, and your mind will be focused on something that makes you happy.

Part of my problem is that I am fairly ambivalent about most activities. I really don't have any passions or interests in my life. Might be hard to believe but I just bumble along stuck in my routine which I've gotten very very used to.

Me, I'm a bit like you. I really don't have any close friends....more acquaintances, but then again, I am grateful for at least that. There were times when I went weeks and months with little contact with anyone.

You are lucky. It's not nice sitting in watching the world.

davy12

fortheop wrote: »

Hi OP,

I am sorry to hear your plight. I don't have the time right now to write a long reply but I guess what struck me from reading your post is an element of self fulfilling prophecy. It just sounds like you have convinced yourself that you have no social skills and have accepted that is always going to be the case.

If your thought are negative the rest will follow. For example one person goes into a party where they don't know anyone. The first one has negative thoughts. This is going to be awful, no-one is going to speak to me, I am going to be like a spare part etc. At the party they act self-conscious, one person perhaps ignores them and hey presto your scenario in your head has come true.

Another person thinks in the same situation ok this might be awkward but sure I will be friendly and maybe meet some cool people, have a bit of craic. they too might be ignored once but will continue to make an effort to chat and most likely will end up having a good time. The person who ignored them is a distant memory where as in your case it a big focus.

part of the issue with depression etc. is that ironically it can lead to an element of self-absorption. I know it is a serious illness and I am not dismissing it but a person can become very introspective and presume people are ignoring them, being rude or talking about them when sometimes this is not the case. I shared a house with someone who was depressed and everything was always about her. If someone was rude to her (in a shop or something) she talked about it for weeks. The thing is this shopkeeper was rude to everyone but she interpreted that it was just her.

I also believe that depression is anger turned against the self so I wonder OP do you have issues expressing anger?

What I would suggest is that maybe you should attend a group therapy for depression. Am sure they must have some in the north. In Dublin they have aware.ie. Also I know your therapy was not successful but have you tried CBT yet? It is very useful for treating depression and looking at negative thought patterns. Its very directive so you won't have somebody rambling on.

I was offered group theraphy but I refused. There is no way I am going into a group environment with my issues. It is a non starter.

Sometimes we have to chose happiness we are not born that way. Maybe tomorrow go for a walk and smile and say hello to people and just guage their reaction. if you go to the shop try and make a bit of chat and be friendly - see how it goes. Don't give up if one person is rude. Go for ten people.

Finally, my advice when you feel self conscious or awkward with someone ask them about themselves, take the focus off you and ask question. People love talking about themselves. Be interested

Tried this to no avail. Not trying to be negative (but understand that is how it will come across) but it didn't work for me.

Sorry OP I hope this is not too preachy. I may have gone way off track as I forgot some of your OP. Best of luck and go out and get the help you deserve, value yourself and the rest will follow.

Not at all. Thanks for your post. I hope things improve but I've been here before so many times that -ve thoughts are natural now.

Dr. Zeus

RonFan wrote: »

I would definitely suggest drinking more, or smoking cannabis. Both help for social interactions. Try going to a bar with the intention of trying to buy from others. It will give you reason to interact with people. Or just go to a bar with the intention of getting drunk and with enough in you, you'll interact with people regardless if you have an agenda or not. It can really help.

OP,

I would not recommend either alcohol or cannabis. Both can have serious impacts on your mental health and while it may seem helpful in the short term - would spell disaster in the longer term.

Don't give up just yet. I know you have tired but give it one more shot. Have you been down the anti-depressant route? It can take a few tries before you find the one that works for you. Also, they generally take at least 6 weeks to kick in so you need to be patient.

Another poster mentioned Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, I would recommend this also. It's a type of therapy that tends to yield positive results. Give it a try.

There is help for you out there you just have to believe it. Go back to your GP and have a chat. Tell them you feel nothing is working. If they can't refer you to a CBT therapist I am sure you can find one online.

Good luck OP. Don't wait around, do something today.

davy12

Dr. Zeus wrote: »

OP,

I would not recommend either alcohol or cannabis. Both can have serious impacts on your mental health and while it may seem helpful in the short term - would spell disaster in the longer term.

I wasn't taking it serious...

Don't give up just yet. I know you have tired but give it one more shot. Have you been down the anti-depressant route? It can take a few tries before you find the one that works for you. Also, they generally take at least 6 weeks to kick in so you need to be patient.

I have had Fluoxainte (Prozac) before, but it made no real discernable difference to me that I could feel.

Another poster mentioned Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, I would recommend this also. It's a type of therapy that tends to yield positive results. Give it a try.

I have had forms of CBT in the past with llittle success.

There is help for you out there you just have to believe it. Go back to your GP and have a chat. Tell them you feel nothing is working. If they can't refer you to a CBT therapist I am sure you can find one online.

Good luck OP. Don't wait around, do something today.

Part of my problem is my parents. My father has never had a good thing to say about me. He was and still is always down on me. This has always gone on since I was a child and it has affected me very badly. I have no confidence.

I feel worthless.

As I have no friends to socialise with I have to sit in at weekends with my parents and it really annoys me. Me and my father have never really got on. He has an extremely short temper (even hit my mother a few times). I don't know how to get away - I have nowhere to go to and noone to go with. Even if i had, I do ont have the confidence to up and go.

I am not sure what the doc can do for me again. I really do want to be seen to be wasting their time as it plainly has not helped me so far.

I want my life to start. I am 33 now and I need to start acting like a man and get my life together - instead of acting like a little timid servant to my father.

We had a row this weekend - big row. Nothing I done wrong - he just flew of the handle. Now I don't know if I'll be able to go home next weekend and may have to stay close to work to avoid him.

This is not what life should be about. What do I do?

Dr. Zeus

Hi OP,

I wrote a response but the system crashed when I was sending:mad:

just sent you a shortened PM version.

Good luck

LegacyUser

Hi Davy,

I feel the same as you, I am a similar age to you - I'm a great looking male, decent job, well educated from a very respectable family though i've with no friends/girlfriend and no confidence (Even I feel guilty saying i'm great looking, but i've been told so many times).

Any friends I had were either school mates from home who are now married with children or acquaintances from colleges or jobs in my 20's. We dont keep in touch now.

Relationships with girls always start off great, usually meet them when I'm out alone and they really fall for me - then they get bored or sick of me after a few months and I get hurt badly.

Tried counselling, doctor - found it to be a watse of money. How can a counsllor change you as a person just by talking to you? Telling you to be more happier and confident - like telling an alcoholic to stop drinking imo.

I have nearly given up on trying to be 'normal', happy and popular.

Though, I am just about to go travelling alone for the first time ever, for a few months - open my eyes a bit more and meet good people and see how that turns out - you really need to do this too. A change of scenery is what I need anyway.

Don't give up and 33 ain't old!!!

Dr. Zeus

replied wrote: »

Hi Davy,


Tried counselling, doctor - found it to be a watse of money. How can a counsllor change you as a person just by talking to you? Telling you to be more happier and confident - like telling an alcoholic to stop drinking imo.
QUOTE]

Maybe you had a bad counsellor or weren't really open and ready for counselling. I have been to therapy myself and it wasn't telling me to be happier or more confident. It helped me look at my life and childhood and make sense of certain things.

While I agree the counselling may not be for everyone and there are good and bad counsellors out there, I would always encourage others to give it a try in situations like Davy. It's hard work, the counsellor is not there to fix you or tell you what to do you have to do a lot of the work yourself.

In cases like depression psychological research shows that therapy is an effective treatment.

blueyedson

To the OP

I think you should get away as much as you can.

Book a cheep flight for a weekend somewhere. It will give you something to look forward to,get you away from family and you might meet interesting people.

Book a weeks hol in the sun. it doesent matter if you go on your own. It might even help you push yourself a little to talk to diff people. Feb is a good month to get away from ireland to somewhere like canaries. You will find its easier to relax going somewhere you know no- one and you get even meet somebody you like.

Give it a try! Goodluck!

davy12

Okay, for the 3rd time...:mad:

I've already beeen on holiday this summer - alone. Whilst I enjoyed the trip I was very lonely at night as I had noone to socialise with in the evenings.

I've arranged an appt with my doctor to discuss possibilities for me. I can't get muh time off work in order to go to counselling session so I am unsure as to what can happen to make things better.

I have also joined a meetup.com group in my area which I plan to be a bit more proactive with. Don't get too excited, I've been here before. Joining the group is the easy part. The hard part is actually going to the events which they host - that is where I fell down previously - being scared to actually go and do it.


Good night.

magneticimpulse

davy12 wrote: »

Okay, for the 3rd time...:mad:

I've already beeen on holiday this summer - alone. Whilst I enjoyed the trip I was very lonely at night as I had noone to socialise with in the evenings.

I've arranged an appt with my doctor to discuss possibilities for me. I can't get muh time off work in order to go to counselling session so I am unsure as to what can happen to make things better.

I have also joined a meetup.com group in my area which I plan to be a bit more proactive with. Don't get too excited, I've been here before. Joining the group is the easy part. The hard part is actually going to the events which they host - that is where I fell down previously - being scared to actually go and do it.


Good night.

Hi OP
Yep I am excited you did this. Im in the same boat as you and living in another country as well as doing studies at University and dont even speak the language which makes it more difficult to talk to people.

Last year I went to talk to a counsilor, which again, since I dont speak the language very well, meant there was little he could really do. But the underlying thing he made important was to
sleep...eat well...do exercise and go to events to meet people.

Like you id tried meetup.com, but it took me 4 to 5 months before i really started to meet people similar to me and Ive not looked back since. One is now my best friend and the type I can go on holidays with. Like you I went on a ski holiday this year and to Gran Canaria by myself and i know the feeling. I was sitting at a restaurant by myself eating dinner with families, couples etc around me while texting my parents back in Dublin as I felt like a billy no mates. Now I dont have enough time to fit in all the activities my new friends want to do...they want to go away for weekends etc. I cant stress enough to stick with this for at least 5 months. For me it was very slow to really get connected with people...especially the language barrier etc, but then all of a sudden it worked.

Also the diet is a must...the vitamins, 5-HTP everything...just all these things can help. Fruit and veg, protein too. Im vegetarian and started making sure i eat lots of protein such as tofu. Ive even started to take Omega Fish oil...although id be against this, i feel i have to, and get the brain cells. Red bull sometimes helps pick you up.

It takes a long time to build yourself up. Because of my studies, and stress im still not fully there, but ive had a great year. Its 4am in morning and still awake...so it doesnt all fall into place. But try to work at one thing at a time. Diet and meetup.com is great place to start....then everything else will come together.

magneticimpulse

davy12 wrote: »

I did join onto Meetup last year. However, i did not see any groups which appealed to me. I really don't see the point in going somewhere where you have no interest in the activity - I really do think it will show through. I've just taken another look at it and there seems to be two social groups on there which I'll look into closer.
However, I'm a bit 'traditional' and it feels weird doing stuff like this over the 'net. But I suppose the trad way hasn't worked for me.



I think my diet is okay. For various reasons my mineral and vit levels are monitored by doctors regularly.



As a bloke it is not my thing, but I do get the odd massage

No harm in trying a combination of vitamins and adding to your diet. It might be useful to look it up on the web. When i was really depressed last year, I looked into it and read about people online who had suffered from depression for years and how just by changing their diet improved. Amino acids are also apparently important in diet and some cannot be obtained from diet alone.

As for the LUSH, i know it might be weird to you. But the people in the shop are very helpful. In fact i was in their last weekend with my friend and her boyfriend. The sales assitant started trying some massage bars on my friends boyfriend and giving him an arm massage. We were happy he was enjoying the shop and he was chuffed with his massage.

At least its an excuse to practise talking to women!!! I mean think about it? Your not going to find women in a pub or nightclub. And LUSH sales people are normally girls and they always come up to customers and ask if you want help. Why not say your picking out a birthday present for a friend? And get a nice arm massage
Then you can at least get some products to try out at home in the bath without feeling guilty.

If not LUSH, at least buy some RADOX bubble bath or other bath stuff. Relaxing in the bath is therapy in itself.

Doc

Do you have your own place?

If you do maybe you could join coachsurfers as a host? People would then come from all over the world to stay with you and you could bring them out and show them around. Even if you cant host you could still join as they also have social events on all the time that you can go to on your own and you wouldn’t seem unusual because lots of new people who have never met anyone there would also be going.

If you go to enough you will eventually make friends with the local hosts or if not at the very least meet some interesting people that you could go visit once they return home. When I first arrived in Melbourne I had very few friends here and although I don’t really go to the events anymore I found it a good way of meeting people and just getting out and doing something with other people instead of sitting at home doing noting.

If you're in Dublin you could go to the after hours Boards beers.

The importent thing is to keep trying and not to let failure disharten you. Keep going to events joining teams and trying new things. And most importantly when you find people you think it could be good to hang out with keep in contact with them. If you get on then they will like that you contacted them and invite you to things or you can invite them.

dory

davy12 wrote: »

Thanks - I do go to gym, but I don't play team sports. I only go there for exercise. I've tried meeting people at the classes, but in my experience people go there do their class and go home. They treat it as an exercise class (which it is) not a place to meet new friends.

It's all about creating opportunities. I thought that too, but then met my last girlfriend in a gym. And made a friend there too. Just made the effort to talk to people.

You have to try and see the opportunity in every meeting.

magneticimpulse

Heres more info i found about Amino Acids, you might find it useful, obviously its worth checking this out with a qualified neurosurgeon...but i found it helped me taking Amino Acid supplements:

"amino acids get converted into neurotransmitters which play a critical role in your brain. Neurotransmitters are the chemicals which help your brain cells 'talk' to each other. Low levels of certain neurotransmitters have been associated with depression.There are two main types of amino acids. Your body can make nonessential amino acids. In contrast, essential amino acids cannot be manufactured by your body. Instead, you must get them via food or supplements.
The good news is that you can correct low levels of amino acids in your body! Amino acid therapy for depression involves taking specific amino acid supplements to bring them into balance. By correcting these imbalances, you can, in turn, optimize the levels of brain neurotransmitters and improve your mood.
The following seven amino acids may help relieve symptoms of depression and anxiety:
5-HTP: 5-HTP is thought to increase the brain neurotransmitter serotonin. Studies have shown 5-HTP can be as effective as antidepressants in treating depression. Additional good news: users typically experience few side effects.
GABA: GABA is actually an amino acid which acts as a neurotransmitter in your brain. It has a calming effect and may reduce anxiety and stress-related symptoms. Think of it as a natural tranquilizer.
Glutamine: Glutamine is a nonessential amino acid which acts by increasing GABA levels in your brain. Low levels of glutamine are thought to contribute to depression, fatigue, and even alcohol cravings.
Phenylalanine: Phenylalanine is an essential amino acid which can be found in a variety of protein foods. It helps build the neurotransmitters dopamine and norepinephrine. Although you can get phenylalanine from the foods you eat, high stress levels or a poor diet may contribute to low levels in your system.
Taurine: Taurine is a nonessential amino acid which helps to prevent neurotransmitter over activity. By doing so, it may help reduce anxiety and hyperactivity. You can get taurine in dairy products, oatmeal, and pork among other foods.
Tyrosine: Tyrosine is also found in a variety of protein foods. Tyrosine helps build dopamine, epinephrine, and norepinephrine. Optimal tyrosine levels may help regulate metabolism, energy levels, and overall mood.
SAMe: SAMe is not actually an amino acid itself but it does help produce neurotransmitters. While SAM-e is readily available over the counter and clinical research has studied its efficacy, there is no real consensus on whether it truly works.
If you choose to take amino acids for depression, keep the following points in mind:

• Start slowly. An easy first step is to ensure you're getting enough protein-rich foods. Include lean protein with each meal.
• Gradually work up to recommended dosages if you choose to take supplements. This will allow you to better gauge how your body handles a given supplement.
• Add one supplement at a time. Again, you want to know what effect a given supplement is having and if you add several at once, you cannot accurately tell what is working (or not).
• Be patient. It can take several weeks to feel the full effects of dietary changes. Track your moods over several weeks and then gauge results.
• Always discuss all medications and supplements with your physician. Certain supplements can interact with prescription drugs.

Learn more about natural options to overcome depression symptoms at [http://www.treat-depression-naturally.com]

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Patricia_Carroll"

davy12

Doc wrote: »

Do you have your own place?

That is a big problem in my life at present. Currently i am living with students in a house which I am no longer happy in. I am looking for something in a suitable area to come up on Gumtreee or roomshare but nothing suitable is there, so I am stuck in a messy house which is depressing me greatly.

The importent thing is to keep trying and not to let failure disharten you. Keep going to events joining teams and trying new things. And most importantly when you find people you think it could be good to hang out with keep in contact with them. If you get on then they will like that you contacted them and invite you to things or you can invite them.

I do get disheartened very easily so that is why I am feed up with so many attempts at sorting my life out and so many false dawns.

davy12

dory wrote: »

It's all about creating opportunities. I thought that too, but then met my last girlfriend in a gym. And made a friend there too. Just made the effort to talk to people.

You have to try and see the opportunity in every meeting.

I do know quite a few people ~5-10 in gym who I speak to and who come up to chat with me in gym. However, it never progresses beyond the conversation stage. People go to the gym for many different reasons - to get fit, to get out of house, to get away from partner/housemates, to de-stress.

Not all of them are looking to expand their social circle.

davy12

magneticimpulse wrote: »

Heres more info i found about Amino Acids, you might find it useful, obviously its worth checking this out with a qualified neurosurgeon...but i found it helped me taking Amino Acid supplements:

Thanks - I will deffo mention this to my doc next week and see if my levels can be monitored.

davy12

I am fed up currently in my accommodation - I can't find somewhere suitable to live here in Belfast - looking to get away from my messy housemates into somewhere clean , tidy and with people my own age. It is really frustrating.

I'm also fed up of being a single virgin. I'm 32 FFS!


Rant over. Bed time.

davy12

Got my appt on Monday morning. Hopefully, the doc will be sympathetic and do something to help me out.

Worried that I might have used up all their patience though

Reddish_Ninja

i know exactly how you feel. ive started suffering depression since i started my new job a year ago. the stress is really gettin to me. once i used to get angry or just ignore things that upset me and now i dont feel like i have the energy.

after trying many things this is what i do;
in situation a. where something upsets me i stick on a pair of runners and run until i cant think of anything. doesn't matter where i am, i just leave.
in situation b. where a wave of sadness comes over me i take 10 deep breaths. i get a piece of paper and write down what i think is wrong with me. Then i change it. for example the last time it was i thought i was useless at work where i work on a project. i just felt like quitting. i thought about what was wrong with my project and i emailed my boss and asked his advice. he put me at ease almost straight away. and them good feelings lasted a couple of days.

i speak to my GP about it every time i go on an unrelated matter. he is very supportive even though i refuse antidepressants and have tried councilling without much success.

I think you need to write down your goals. they dont have to be huge or anything, just things that would make u happy and take one step toward at least one of them at a time and stay going!

I also have a friend who i support through her really dark days. i tell her the same thing i told you. if you dont like it change it. easier than you think.

it is tougher than anything imaginable and people cannot understand unless they have experienced it themselves.

just hang on in there, i think that you have written here askin for help is a step toward changing what you dont like. well done!

davy12

Well, I was at the doctors today. She is going to think about what to do with me. It looks like I'll have to pay for this service as she said the NHS is not very good in this area and it does not seem like traditional therapies will work for me. Plus NHS has a large waiting list at the minute.

She going to find out some information on what best suites. But from what I could gather from her I get the feeling it will be like the the confidence coach from the 'Would Like to Meet' series that used to be on BBC2. However, that is only a guess and I am not sure until I get a reply from Dr.

davy12

I'm getting quiet restless now in many areas. I am looking to fine somewhere else to live with more friendly housemates as I currently spend most of my time living in my bedroom on the net or watching moveis.

I know someone who got a job offer to go abroad but I'm not sure if I am mentally stable enough to do something likewise. Plus am I too old to go down this route. I really don't know what to do.

Also, my doctor has not got in contact with me yet in regards to any counselling. Although I suppose it is only 1 week...

When I read your first post I thought "change the age and location and that's me." I'm not very sociable at all and it's largely down to how I was treated as a child. My mindset is that anyone I don't know is a potential threat to me and it takes quite a while to gain my trust. Despite this I feel terribly lonely at times, moved to a new apartment recently and felt so alone it was horrible.

And like yourself I have tried to get help but nothing seems to have worked so far.

Queen-Mise

davy12 wrote: »

I was offered group theraphy but I refused. There is no way I am going into a group environment with my issues. It is a non starter.

Playing devils advocate here - do you not think that this is absolutely the most positive step you can take. If you can overcome all the issues/fears/anxieties/phobias etc etc in a group environment (safe) then doing it in the 'real' world would be a doddle.
I am an advocate of facing things head up - if your issue is meeting people, well then constantly put yourself in places where you meet people.


As for everything else in your life, the whole lot is a jumble. House your not comfortable in, maybe another bout of depression starting, a general feeling of loneliness etc etc. My advice is sort out the physical stuff first house, meds if they starting/changing, and then look to the social life.

Maybe the way of tackling the social life is to come into it sideways: volunteer with something that is going to involve you meeting loads of people. There is a security in that, you have a role, rather than just being there to mix. Hope that makes sense.

Another very non-intimidating way of meeting people is hill-walking. Your going for a walk and chatting. I have talked to the nicest/oddest of people about all kinds of stuff. They may not turn into friends but it is companionship. Hill-walking isn't the only one either, just the only one I can think of now.

Last point I will make, again get your priorities clear. What I suspect your are looking for a acquitances, companions - not deep friendships. I firmly believe you only make less than 5 really deep friendships in your life. The rest are companions etc. Friends also come and go naturally. It is no reflection on a person.

davy12

Well, I've finally got my letter from the Doctor. She has recommended to me that I get in touch with a group called lifeline: http://www.lifelinehelpline.info/

I've not contacted them but I intend to once I figure out more about them. She also is trying to get the name of a private counsellor whom she knows a patient who recommends.

I am trying to get accommodation in a suitable place, but it is slow going. I sort of think I'd like to spread my wings, but I've got a good job which is hard to leave (even though I think I might be getting pigeon-holed) and I am not sure if it is wise to go anywhere before I get my head sorted.

On the subject of relationships I am not sure what to do. At 32yo I am not sure whether it is too late for me to start down this road. I've missed out on all the dating, experimenting, and finding out likes and dislikes. Not sure what to do.

Finally, group theraphy is a non starter, still.

davy12

Karsini wrote: »

When I read your first post I thought "change the age and location and that's me." I'm not very sociable at all and it's largely down to how I was treated as a child. My mindset is that anyone I don't know is a potential threat to me and it takes quite a while to gain my trust. Despite this I feel terribly lonely at times, moved to a new apartment recently and felt so alone it was horrible.

And like yourself I have tried to get help but nothing seems to have worked so far.

It is tough. I feel really sorry for your situation as I know how tough it can be. Hopefully, I can inspire you to reach out and break the mould.

Good luck and post me your progress. It would be good to see how you do.

LegacyUser

i know exactly how you feel mate, im in the same boat as you, a little younger than yourself though, speak to people online, but no real friends in my area, the odd acquintance, no way of making any either, the replies on here about social groups dont work, i know exactly what you mean by replies, people arent out to seek new friends these days, they stick to what they've got, i wont waffle on any further but i know wxactly how u feel, thats all i wanted to say

porschespeedst

davy12 wrote: »

On the subject of relationships I am not sure what to do. At 32yo I am not sure whether it is too late for me to start down this road. I've missed out on all the dating, experimenting, and finding out likes and dislikes. Not sure what to do.

Well, if you tell yourself this then it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. I am a few years older than you and have not really much more experience in terms of dating/relationships but I haven't given up on myself either. Been on around 10 dates in my life ever and no long term relationship history. A few hook-ups in nightclubs in my mid to late 20s but nothing that led to anything lasting.

In terms of likes/dislikes, if you mean you haven't figured what kind of woman would be a good match for you, there are quizes you can do online that can tell you this quite easily.

There is no fixed template which says one has to fall in love by x age, or get married by y age, or whatever. The way I see it, this is just society's way of putting shy people in a corner. Plenty of people get trapped in loveless marriages or marry too young and regret it later.

Could be projecting my own issues onto you but I personally think you should focus on finding a girlfriend rather than meeting new friends to socialise with.

(I'm not saying finding the love of your life is easy, mind you. Unfortunately, for most of us, whether introvert or extrovert, it isn't. I met a girl that could have been the love of mine earlier this year but messed it up unfortunately.)

alex73

Stop thinking about yourself, Go and volunteer in Africa and see a world where 90% of the population live on 1% of our Irish standards.

Depressed, you have no seen anything yet.. Go and visit an Aid orphanage in Joburg.

So log out of Boards.ie and contact the many volunteer groups who need help!. You like your routines in life, but don't like the depression, then YOU do something about it.
You are obviously intelligent enough to post on the net. Make a difference in life.

Zaph

alex73, the OP didn't come here to be lectured, they came here for advice. Yes, we all appreciate that there are people worse off than ourselves, but that in no way helps the OP right now. I suggest that you carefully read the PI charter, particularly the part in relation to unhelpful posts, before you post here again.

Overheal

What do you work at? What's the financial situation? Why don't you just get out? Not to put too fine a point on it but I found Ireland - the atmosphere, the environment - to be inherently depressing. Especially in winter. Whats to stop you from finding a job in another country with a milder climate where you can go reinvent yourself?

magneticimpulse

alex73 wrote: »

Stop thinking about yourself, Go and volunteer in Africa and see a world where 90% of the population live on 1% of our Irish standards.

Depressed, you have no seen anything yet.. Go and visit an Aid orphanage in Joburg.

So log out of Boards.ie and contact the many volunteer groups who need help!. You like your routines in life, but don't like the depression, then YOU do something about it.
You are obviously intelligent enough to post on the net. Make a difference in life.

You cant actually do that as easy as you make out. Volunteer groups want certain type of people, of certain education (post graduate course minimum) with previous experience in Volunteer work. You also need to be fluent in French.

Also you are required to pay 2000 euro towards flights, vaccines and insurance as well as visa for the country.

On top of that there are some virus/disease which you can pick up in Africa and get very ill (this happened to some family members of mine and it stuck with them for life and mad old age difficult for them).

Overall volunteering in places in Africa is not as easy as you make out and in this current climate there is alot of competition. I know because I applied for a few positions and they said they got a huge amount of applicants. I had all the above and still did not get a "volunteer job"....

either way it doesnt effect the OP situation, but i wanted to clarify that topic as you were harsh on OP.

alex73

magneticimpulse wrote: »

You cant actually do that as easy as you make out. Volunteer groups want certain type of people, of certain education (post graduate course minimum) with previous experience in Volunteer work. You also need to be fluent in French.

Also you are required to pay 2000 euro towards flights, vaccines and insurance as well as visa for the country.

On top of that there are some virus/disease which you can pick up in Africa and get very ill (this happened to some family members of mine and it stuck with them for life and mad old age difficult for them).

Overall volunteering in places in Africa is not as easy as you make out and in this current climate there is alot of competition. I know because I applied for a few positions and they said they got a huge amount of applicants. I had all the above and still did not get a "volunteer job"....

either way it doesnt effect the OP situation, but i wanted to clarify that topic as you were harsh on OP.

Load of Crap, don't speak French, had no money and I volunteered for years in Latin America and Africa (and I only had a leaving cert) .

So when it comes to volunteering please cut me the crap stories. The 3rd world in crying out for help.

alex73

Zaph wrote: »

alex73, the OP didn't come here to be lectured, they came here for advice. Yes, we all appreciate that there are people worse off than ourselves, but that in no way helps the OP right now. I suggest that you carefully read the PI charter, particularly the part in relation to unhelpful posts, before you post here again.

I have worked with many depressed people, Of course any advice (or lecture) here should be taken in conjunction with the advice of the OP's doctor. But from my experience of 20 years I can say that people can overcome depression by changing their lifestyle, routine, work, If the status quo of your life is making you depressed then you need to take action.

Every person is different. The OP is writing from a subjective point of view. I am saying from an objective point of view (and I don't know the full facts) but from what I can read if the OP were to come out of his shell and make key changes to his life then he would be able to ease his depression. (I stress in conjunction with a doctor/councillor who actually knows him).

Bottom line, the OP is obviously intelligent. I see no sign of mental impairment. I would suggest he try a spell of teach English for free abroad, its an easy way to travel and interact with people, your costs are paid and change of weather, diet, people can often times do wonders.

With depression there is no easy answers, every person in unique. But the OP posted here and I gave my 2 pence.

Bottom line, depression just won't go away, you need support and a jump start, a change, a pull to get you moving.

magneticimpulse

alex73 wrote: »

Load of Crap, don't speak French, had no money and I volunteered for years in Latin America and Africa (and I only had a leaving cert) .

So when it comes to volunteering please cut me the crap stories. The 3rd world in crying out for help.

Well they must be full up at the moment with Irish Unemployed people because its not possible in November 2010...its not a load of crap!!! Ive applied and they said there are 1000s applying and unfortunately I did not meet their criteria!!! and im fluent in French

...seems like hopeless effort to get rejected from "Volunteer Work" when i could actually be looking for paid jobs.

magneticimpulse

alex73 wrote: »

I have worked with many depressed people, Of course any advice (or lecture) here should be taken in conjunction with the advice of the OP's doctor. But from my experience of 20 years I can say that people can overcome depression by changing their lifestyle, routine, work, If the status quo of your life is making you depressed then you need to take action.

Every person is different. The OP is writing from a subjective point of view. I am saying from an objective point of view (and I don't know the full facts) but from what I can read if the OP were to come out of his shell and make key changes to his life then he would be able to ease his depression. (I stress in conjunction with a doctor/councillor who actually knows him).

Bottom line, the OP is obviously intelligent. I see no sign of mental impairment. I would suggest he try a spell of teach English for free abroad, its an easy way to travel and interact with people, your costs are paid and change of weather, diet, people can often times do wonders.

With depression there is no easy answers, every person in unique. But the OP posted here and I gave my 2 pence.

Bottom line, depression just won't go away, you need support and a jump start, a change, a pull to get you moving.

Since you ONLY have the Leaving Cert, this does not make you qualified to comment on people and depression.

davy12

Reasons why I don't leave Ireland?
1. Family.
2. I like my job.
3. If I struggle to mix and make friends here how will I find it any easier in another country? That would be running away IMO.

I would consider moving, but only when I am satisified that I am able to cope emotionally and socially alone. That is why I am trying to make full use of the NHS services on this matter.

davy12

davy12 wrote: »

Reasons why I don't leave Ireland?
1. Family.
2. I like my job.
3. If I struggle to mix and make friends here how will I find it any easier in another country? That would be running away IMO.

I would consider moving, but only when I am satisified that I am able to cope emotionally and socially alone. That is why I am trying to make full use of the NHS services on this matter.

They are very valid points. I have a decent enough job, doesn't pay loads but does me fine and I work with good people. I'd also be even more lonely without my family.

Overheal

davy12 wrote: »

Reasons why I don't leave Ireland?
1. Family.
2. I like my job.
3. If I struggle to mix and make friends here how will I find it any easier in another country? That would be running away IMO.

I would consider moving, but only when I am satisified that I am able to cope emotionally and socially alone. That is why I am trying to make full use of the NHS services on this matter.

There's always going to be a million reasons not to do something. The trick is to pick some of the few reasons there are to do it, and do it. Planetary alignment is not a prerequisite for making a life change; if not moving elsewhere, then something.

alex73

magneticimpulse wrote: »

Since you ONLY have the Leaving Cert, this does not make you qualified to comment on people and depression.

I initially volunteered with Opus Dei, and from their my work took off, Obviously over the years I have studied. But when I started I had only my leaving.

... reading the different responses from the OP, I think he would be better serviced by taking advice from a Councillor. Not sure that boards.ie is the correct place to be getting quasi medical advice.

alex73

davy12 wrote: »

Reasons why I don't leave Ireland?
1. Family.
2. I like my job.
3. If I struggle to mix and make friends here how will I find it any easier in another country? That would be running away IMO.

I would consider moving, but only when I am satisified that I am able to cope emotionally and socially alone. That is why I am trying to make full use of the NHS services on this matter.

DO NOT, leave your job.... However you can always take unpaid leave and travel.

As for struggling to mix with friends. you would be surprised how easy it is in a foreign country.

My advice to you... stop looking for advice on boards.ie. Best to talk face to face to a person you know who as a more objective view on your life.

i dont have any advice per se but i wish you the best and would like to share this with you

i have had periods of darkness in my life and during the last one i met a old lady at a family gathering she was 98 . i told her a bit about my life and the way i was feeling and she laughed and said if you live to be as old as me do you want to spend the next 60 + years feeling like this ?

seek help to enjoy your life you are a mere child compared to this lady i wish you all the best and future happiness

davy12

Well i phoned lifeline and they told me that they could do nothing for me as i am not suicidal.

I suppose i should be happy about that!

I've bokked another appt. with my gp to find out why this place was recommended and find if there are any other options.

I am also now actively looking for a new place to live. Hopefully something will come along soon.

decmc

I am another person very much in the same boat as you. I'm the same age and everything. Loneliness is a terrible thing, I feel like it distorts everything. I've recently started a new job, I like the work well enough but its hard because being around others now actually throws this loneliness into relief. I was unemployed for a while and that was tough, but I had my time to myself and I didn't have to face the reality of my life. I moved back to my home town as well for this job and its hard to shake off bad memories of always being lonely. of feeling like an outsider. I'm trying to tell myself that all that is in the past and just try and give this a chance but I don't really know what to do. Its hard to relate to people in work, I'm straight away perceived as quiet/reserved and thats fine, I don't want to be anyone but me, its just that I don't really fit in, if I had a group of friends I would be fine about that, I don't expect to be friends with my work mates. Sorry if I'm piggy backing on your thread with my own problems. I just wonder if there is a way that people like us could support each other, track progress...don't know exactly. Just that I think the group therapy thing is maybe a good idea but I don't see them down here. I went to 'Grow' which is a weekly group meeting for people with depression but it didn't help me with loneliness.