Confused, Can I ever have proper love?

LegacyUser

Hi,
19yo female, just moved to Dublin to study. I am originally from midlands. The issue I have is with somebody from home, although not sure if 'issue' is the right word. Aged 15 I began working part time in a local bar. A few months after starting, one night getting a lift hime the owner aged 57 made a pass at me by trying to kiss me. I was upset, ran away as I had zilch experience with boys. Didn't tell anybody and it was never mentioned again. A few weeks later he apologised and cried. To cut a long story short I initiated a kiss and since then we have been having regular sexual encounters. Over the years it would happen maybe weekly, never planned or pre-arranged and it was enjoyable. I liked the guy and thought no harm etc. He is married with a grown up family, 2 children around my age. I became trusted by him regards the bar and as he had other busines interests I got given a lot of responsiblility which increased my money which led to me being able to attend college, get a flat etc.
Over the years I would occasionally date other lads locally but found the experiences unsatisfying. The most passion I would get would be to be fondled drunkenly at late night house parties which was in stark contrast to the considerate satisfying lovemaking I was experiencing within my secret relationship.
When I moved to Dublin I thought it would be a way of meeting guys my own age etc but so far have just met immature p**sheads who have no clue when it comes to women. I had met 1 guy from college, had a few dates but he seemed to lose interest. over the past week, the guy from home has had business in Dublin and has visited me. We spent one whole evening for hours in bed and it was so special and fulfilling.. everything I've not experienced with any other guy. I must also say, he has never made any demands on me, has said he knows I will ultimately end up with somebody else. I guess as the arrangement suits us both it has just continued. I believe he has not had sex with his wife for 8 years or soemthing.
Anyway, my dilemma is, how do I give up what I have knowing that what's probably out there won't give me what I need either physically or emotinally.
Please don't judge, genuine opinions are what I really need now....
S.

Stu

Realistically, your relationship with this man will never be anything other than a sexual relationship and thats probably the way he likes it. I won't get into the moral or legal implications of what happened when you were 15 but suffice to say, you have been manipulated by somebody who should know better.

In saying that, your first relationship was with a much older man who presumably had plenty of experience with women and was treating you well to a point but you can't realistically expect 19 year old guys to live up to your expectations when you are used to being treated like a princess by an older man who lets be honest, knows exactly what to say and do to keep you sweet.

You could always go for a guy around mid twenties. Plenty of guys around 24/25 who will be mature and more on your level. I just don't think a 19/20 year old guy is going to do anything for you even if you are physically attracted to a lot of guys around your own age but then you've been robbed of the chance to grow up at the same rate as people you own age because this man took advantage of you when you were young and impressionable. OP, you really should see a councellor and try to get some perspective on this very unhealthy relationship so you can move on and put this behind you.

You will meet somebody who you click with and then you will want to end the charade between you and your older friend but i have some strong opinions about the older guy that i'll keep to myself and just wish you well for the future.

IrishEyes19

OP, like the poster above me, I won't get into legal issues or whatever. But all I can say is, that was emotional manipulation, OP, you were very young and tbh, I don't think that is love either. You will find love of course, but most relationships at your age 19, won't last as love is fickle at that age, and we are changing all the time. You're too young to settle now. And tbh, your relationship with this man sounds very manipulative. You only feel like theres nothing else there, because you are comparing it to feelings he planted in you at the age you were when you met him.

Personally I think you should try to break this cycle. I dont believe this man can ever give you what you are looking for, which is real love. He wouldnt go home to a wife and kids if that is the case and it cant be fulffilling or good for you to keep this a secret. I really think professional help could also help. Perhaps talk privately to a counciller who wont pass judgement on you, but will help you out emotionally. I really wish you all the best.

greengiant09

agree with above, you're only 19 and i got a feeling you're probably very naive and will look back on this in regret. lets be realistic here, some auld lad manipulated you when you were basically a child (pretty focked up) and now has you under some spell. you think that you have something special when in reality he is using you for sex. come on, he's focking 60, it's not like he's going to be highly sought after. as regards to other lads not being mature enough for you, you got to remember your only 19!!!!....you've got plenty of more years to meet someone....and lets not forget you're sleeping with a married man...which is WRONG even though you don't seem to give a fock about it......

mikemac

This guy is 60 or so and sleeping with a 19 year old.
He is loving it

You are being used OP, get out of it and met lads your own age.
But take a break first

greengiant09

he's obviously a dirty old perv. i mean he could have got jail time if he had slept with her at 15 and be put on the sex offenders registers list. this is not normal behaviour. i mean i'm nearly 30 and there's no way i'd even think of going near a 15 year old! the fact that he moved her up in his business was his way of keeping her on his good side and was a form of control. anyway, it doesn't matter now op, you can either keep up this charade relationship or start a fresh. that's a load of rubbish about not being able to find a guy who's mature enough for you around your age level.....how come every other girl isn't doing the same thing as you? i think this comes more down to your own issues rather than blaming it on other circumstances. for someone who's claiming to be mature, you come across as incrediblely naive and gullible.

Tilt Gone

Not here tojudge OP but I thnik it's time to break this harmful cycle. I know you say this older gentleman knew how to treat a lady but it's easy treat someone like a princess when you only see them occasionally. Living with someone day in day out takes a lot of work and it sounds to me like this guy should be working at his marraige and not spending his attentions on young (vunerable) girls like yourself. At 19 you have ages to meet someone your own age but I would suggest that considering your "relationships" up to now a guy in his late twenties even early thirthies might suit you better. But saying that why the urge to meet a guy. You should take some time to get to know who you are and find out what you want from life first. And even then the things you think you want at 19 will be far different in 10 yeras.

The drunken fumbles might not be giving you a great idea of whats out there on offer but hang in there. Hope you find some of the help you looking for in here and ignore the people who just want to slag the older guy off.
Personally i'm a 28 yera old guy and I like you used to see a married woman when I was about 22 but had to end it before her husband found out and killed me. Like you girls my own age seemed childish and inexperienced so I was constantly feeling like I would never meet anyone who I thjought was on the same wavelength as me. that all changed 3 years ago and If it could happen for me it will happen for you.

Best of luck in the future.

Tilt.

IrishEyes19

greengiant09 wrote: »

he's obviously a dirty old perv. i mean he could have got jail time if he had slept with her at 15 and be put on the sex offenders registers list. this is not normal behaviour. i mean i'm nearly 30 and there's no way i'd even think of going near a 15 year old! the fact that he moved her up in his business was his way of keeping her on his good side and was a form of control. anyway, it doesn't matter now op, you can either keep up this charade relationship or start a fresh. that's a load of rubbish about not being able to find a guy who's mature enough for you around your age level.....how come every other girl isn't doing the same thing as you? i think this comes more down to your own issues rather than blaming it on other circumstances. for someone who's claiming to be mature, you come across as incrediblely naive and gullible.

Harsh, Greengiant, I don't think you are naive or gullible, OP, I think you were roped in at a very young age by this man, and you are not to blame for it. I don't know how a 15 year old could cope with this situation. It must have been a tough four years hiding that secret and very lonely I can only imagine.

I think also the question "how come every other girl isnt doing the same I thing?" is totally irrelevant. I think the easy answer to that is because most other girls if not the majority are not faced with such situations and if they were, are protected from it. I cannot assume or judge but it sounds like OP, this was something that went undectected from the beggining and you faced it alone. I think you have fallen into a trap that you feel you cant get out of. This man showers you with false affection and what you assume to be love. It must be very scary walking away from it into a world where the idea of love at your age is not really existent romantically, as most people your age are nowhere near settled.

OP, I really suggest counselling for this. You may not realise this, but you have been slightly brainwashed and manipulated by this man for years. Living with such a secret must be a terrible burden and I think you need to talk to someone profesionally who can help you out of this mess. You clearly aren't happy with the situation if you're looking for advice here and yet you sound like there is nothing better out there for you. I assure you, there is. But you need to make the first step and approach professional help. Best of luck!!!

greengiant09

actually irish eyes from reading back on my post it was a little harsh on the op. i forgot she was only 19 but sometimes people need a good kick up their arse to shake them out of their ways. i think my criticism should have been directed more towards this sleazy old guy.

IrishEyes19

greengiant09 wrote: »

actually irish eyes from reading back on my post it was a little harsh on the op. i forgot she was only 19 but sometimes people need a good kick up their arse to shake them out of their ways. i think my criticism should have been directed more towards this sleazy old guy.

Thumbs up, Greengiant. And she was even younger, 15 when this happened, 19 now. I agree, and I think that man needs to realise how horrendous his actions have been.

@ OP, you were very young and no one will judge or blame you. I think counselling would be a great step forward.

LegacyUser

hi,
op again here.
i supposed the judging was inevitable.
for the record, i never felt manipulated or controlled at any time. on a lot of occasions it was me who initiated things and he tried to stop the relationship on a afew occasions only for me to get it going again. On my debs night we ended up in a lock in the pub with a few from my class and had sex with him in the carpark outside.
anyway, what my main problem is how will i ever get used to lads my own age with their immature ways, getting locked the whole time etc... i'm just not sure if i'm destined to always go for older guys for the rest of my life.
thanks for replies btw, but could have done without some of the judgements. i guess some people can't resist putting their oar in.

Stu

OP, you were manipulated regardless of what you think. You didn't initiate things, he did and then the seed was planted in your head and you initiated it the second time. He never intended to end this charade with you, he might have intimated that it should end but he knew that you wouldn't have it so then it makes him look like the good guy trying to let you go and get on with your life when in actual fact he is keeping you sweet and getting what he wants from you.

OP, open your eyes. Just because he was nice toward you doesn't make it right. Hes a Paedophile. He has robbed you of the experiences of growing up as a normal teenage girl, having fun and being with guys your own age. You can't see this because your blinded because of how your mind has been manipulated. You have been well and truly "BRAINWASHED".

Please, go and see a councellor and talk about this. Explain everything and get an outside perspective on this. He lavished you with praise and attention when you were young and vulnerable so he could get sex from you. Thats the stark reality OP. If you choose to bury your head in the sand and make this Perv out to be a night in shining armour then thats up to you but the reality is very much different.

When he came crying to you after coming onto you the first time, why do you think he was so remorseful. Because he knew that if you told anybody he would be locked up and put on the sex offenders list and even then, when you initiated it the second time, he still couldn't help himself and his only concern was getting into your underpants. Wise up OP, stop making him out to be a nice guy who treats you well, hes a disgusting pervert. To him, it was always only about sex, there is no relationship between you and him.

Funky Kingston

opagain wrote: »

hi,
op again here.
i supposed the judging was inevitable.
for the record, i never felt manipulated or controlled at any time. on a lot of occasions it was me who initiated things and he tried to stop the relationship on a afew occasions only for me to get it going again. On my debs night we ended up in a lock in the pub with a few from my class and had sex with him in the carpark outside.
anyway, what my main problem is how will i ever get used to lads my own age with their immature ways, getting locked the whole time etc... i'm just not sure if i'm destined to always go for older guys for the rest of my life.
thanks for replies btw, but could have done without some of the judgements. i guess some people can't resist putting their oar in.

OP you came to this forum for advice and help , people are "putting their oar in" because they are concerned and are genuinely trying to make you aware of the situation you've been in since you were 15 years old ......

You have much bigger problems than worring about trying to get used to lads your own age ..... you should be worrying about the fact that getting with boys your own age IS the problem .

I don't mean to be nasty OP you were manipulated and it is very very sad ..... upsetting infact but sometimes people have to be cruel to be kind . You need to see a professional about this , this is very serious . I'm sure you will have your own 15 year old one day and I don't think you will be too happy if he / she is seeing a 60 year old .

Sorry again for being direct , I wish you all the best .

Cheeky_gal

57 :eek:
And you were 15 :eek:
Now you're 19 and you're still going at it...IN PARKING LOTS.... :eek:


Are you for real??
Listen, I'm shocked people here are brushing you off as only been "a young girl who doesn't know what she's getting herself into". I'm 19 like yourself and I would never act in such a manner.

Number 1 - Homewrecker alert. He has a family. Cop on.
Number 2 - He should be locked up. I don't care how dramatic that sounds but if I had a daughter and I found out a 57 year old man was sleeping with her when she was 15 it would destroy me.
Number 3 - You really need to cop onto yourself and mature...I feel sick after reading that

greengiant09

sorry if it sounds like i'm sticking my oar in OP but i CANNOT just sit back and say nothing. this is abnormal behaviour and i feel it is my duty to say something whether you want to hear it or not.

i can't and will not condone paedophile behaviour. like someone else said before, the reason you may feel no connection with other male peers your age could well be down to these abnormal experiences with this older guy. they have had some effect on you and not in a good way.

i got a feeling you will come to your senses but probably in your own time....and then you will start to feel bitterness and disdain to the man who did this to you. maybe you should talk to a counsellor about this.

Zen65

isastudent wrote: »

Anyway, my dilemma is, how do I give up what I have knowing that what's probably out there won't give me what I need either physically or emotinally.
Please don't judge, genuine opinions are what I really need now....
S.

What you have is an illusion. There will never be a meaningful relationship between this man and you because he can never reveal your relationship with him, without fear of reprisal. The encounters you share are like trailers to a movie which show the best bits of the action..... they feel like the real thing but they are only snippets of what the full story would be like.

These encounters with this man are not healthy for you. You cannot learn to eat properly if somebody keeps bringing you only desserts. He is not bringing you anything to help you develop your relationship skills, in fact he is suppressing your ability to learn how to cope in a relationship. He is bringing you a skilled sexual encounter (he's been doing this for very many years, so he does not suffer "the performance problems" that younger men may suffer) - and this may seem like maturity to you, but in fact it is just manipulative..... like a master having a dog and bringing it only food but never taking it for a walk. The dog may think his master loves him, but the master is just killing it slowly at a lazy pace.

So find yourself somebody else, and explore the trials and tribulations of actually being in a real relationship, where you have to learn how to cope with somebody who is going through the same life stages as yourself. Of course you might find a man that is 3 or 4 years older than you is a better match, nothing wrong with that. Find out what it's like to build a relationship with somebody which includes planning a future together.

Your older man is not planning any future for you. At best he is planning your replacement when you do find somebody and lose interest in him. Perhaps you yourself were a replacement for some prior young girl who fell prey to his charms? How young might she have been?

You have done nothing wrong. This encounter should not have happened and he was wrong to have let it. Let bygones be what they were, and move on, wiser for the experience. Build a life for yourself and do not become this man's crutch for so long that you'll miss the opportunity to live your own life to its fullest.

Be at peace,

Z

LegacyUser

OP i think people have been very fair to you thus far but lets call a spade a spade here, this guy is verging on being a paedophile. You were 15. A 15 year old child.

Would you at 19 even consider having sex with a 15 year old boy?
No? why? because its wrong. Its disgusting.

you said it yourself he has children your age.

I became trusted by him regards the bar and as he had other busines interests I got given a lot of responsiblility which increased my money which led to me being able to attend college, get a flat etc.

Some would call that grooming OP.

for the record, i never felt manipulated or controlled at any time. on a lot of occasions it was me who initiated things and he tried to stop the relationship on a afew occasions only for me to get it going again.

and thats exactly why so much abuse goes unnoticed... of course he made sure you never felt manipulated OP thats kind of the point, he had to keep you sweet, keep it secret.

OP i really think you can't see the wood for trees here.
No matter how much you want to think that its an equal relationship with this man, its not. he has all the power.

anyway, what my main problem is how will i ever get used to lads my own age with their immature ways, getting locked the whole time etc... i'm just not sure if i'm destined to always go for older guys for the rest of my life.

OP do you even have any other experiences to compare this man with? I don't mean a drunken fumble, If you don't like guys your own age fair enough, neither do i, i date older men, but by older men i mean late 20's, Have you actually tried dating other older men? Or has this man got you so brainwashed that hes covinced you that hes the only one who can satisfy you?

One things for sure, you'll never be able to have a normal relationship with any man when you're still being controlled by the paedophile who abused you when you were 15.

i'll say it again OP
Would YOU at 19 even consider having sex with a 15 year old boy?
Think to the future OP: Would YOU in 38 years time have sex with a 15 year old boy?
No matter who initiated what HE was 57 years old HE knew it was wrong to sleep with you. If a 15 year old boy Kissed you would you kiss him back, let alone have sex with him?. WAKE UP OP.