Parents splitting up, dad is gay, what the hell to do??

LegacyUser

I suppose I've always known my dad is gay but have never mentioned it, how the hell do you bring up that topic?
So anyway, they're FINALLY splitting up, nothing mentioned about why. They're just constantly at each other's throats. Have been for as long as i can remember. Seriously, neither of them shoudl have gotten married!
Got talking with mum recently and it turns out she knows he's gay, has known for years and years. Very long story.
I've said nothing to him, either has she actually, but I just don't know how to be around either of them.
It's an unreal situation, in fairness you couldn't make it up.
I can't sleep, or eat, or think straight since they've offically split.
What the hell do i do? I really REALLY don't want to get into the conversation with either of them but I still have to see them, talk to them.....
i don't know what I'm looking for by way of a response....Is there any chance someone out there in the land of the interweb has been through this and can maybe say something, anything, to make me feel....not so much better, just a bit more sane?????

Ainekav

I would say that you don't necessarily need to have the 'gay' talk with your Dad just yet, I mean its hard enough for you that theyre splitting up without having to have that discussion just yet.

It'll happen in time Im sure, but for the moment I would say just try and deal with the actual splitting up moreso than the gay thing. One thing at a time. I mean I really don't know it just seems to me that maybe you needn't be stressing yourself out over having to confront your Dad or whatever, it probably wouldnt be the best time to do this anyway.

Maybe now that theyve split they might become more civil to each other, and as you've said, they shouldnt have gotten married in the first place, so maybe this is the best option for all involved.

Are you worried about having a conversation with them about the split? Sorry I just re-read your post. Well that, on the other hand, is probably going to have to be talked about. But its their marriage, not yours, so you shouldnt be getting ultra-stressed over having to talk to them about it. By that I mean, you shouldnt be so stressed that you cant eat or sleep. Try and think of it as the best possible option, its better than them at each others throats night noon and day...

Try not to get yourself too worked up, you have your own life to live at the same time and if they are mature about all this, then you shouldnt be dragged into it either...

Beruthiel

peed off wrote: »

I've said nothing to him, either has she actually, but I just don't know how to be around either of them.

I'm going to look at this from everyone's point of view.
Clearly your Dad has always been in denial, or didn't even know that he was gay.
Either way, he ignored or lived in ignorance that he was gay.
Met your mother and cared enough for her to marry her.
You can't deny who you are though.
It will always come out in the end.
Denying yourself will make you miserable and unhappy.
As time passed he came to terms with who he was. That in itself must have been painful as he considered the people he loved. You and your mother.

There could never have been an easy way out of a situation like that. There is no way to avoid that fallout.
His head must have been melted.

In time, though you cannot see it now, this is for the best.
In a years time, he will be happier, your mother will be happier and so will you. There's nothing like the truth to set you free and clear your head.
Being who you are meant to be in the eyes of the world is a wonderful thing.

What the hell do i do?

Nothing?
Try to relax.
I can imagine that it's painful to see your parents like this, but try to relax and leave them to it. Try not to get involved.
Remind yourself that they both love you with all their hearts and whatever happens, that won't change.
It will take time, but things will turn out for the best as everyone gets used to their new lives.

I really REALLY don't want to get into the conversation with either of them

Then just leave it until they bring it up.
Best of luck.

CdeC

Hi OP,
Parents split a while back now. At first I thought "sure, about time" But it really shook up my whole family for years and is pretty much the worst thing that has ever happened to us. Thankfully we've pulled through it and we are still all talking and get on. It was indescribable how it affected each of us and to anyone else I would recommend definitely talking to a professional. Just a couple of sessions. Get out your feelings and vent so that you can appraoch it with a clear mind. It is obviously affecting you physically so the sooner you do this the better.
Also you will have it out with your parents as well at some stage, all skeletons will come out, but believe me there is light at the end of the tunnel and in fact you may be better off after but for the moment try and take steps to getting back your sanity and believe me it is a big deal for anyone to go through it.

Susie_Q

Hi OP,

It is an unusual situation but actually my boyfriend was in the same situation as you about 10 years ago; his parents split up and his Dad announced he was gay. I think it was known about for some years but they wanted to wait until both of their children (my boyfriend and his brother) were old enough to understand it and take it on board.

Fast forward 10 years. My boyfriend's mother lives on her own, is recently retired and really enjoying life. She goes to wine courses, trips abroad and has plenty of friends. My boyfriend's father lives on the other side of Dublin but is equally happy and has a job and colleages he likes.

Bottom line is that splitting up is probably the best move for both of your parents as they are not in love and will be happier apart. It will be difficult for you for a long time I imagine, but find a close friend to confide in and don't hold back. If your Dad being gay is an issue for you then this is something you need to think about and deal with also.

Good luck OP, keep your chin up.

Cheap Thrills!

It's great news though. Your Mam gets free and doesn't have to live a lie to facilitate a coward any more. No more of them being at each others throats.

He's gay, he's gay. So what. Let him get on with it like he should have in the first place without using the poor woman as a human smoke screen.

It'll be a massive relief for your Mother after all these stolen years she can finally be free to meet someone who can love her the way she needs.

CdeC

Cheap Thrills! wrote: »

It's great news though. Your Mam gets free and doesn't have to live a lie to facilitate a coward any more.

I think this is a very unfair commment.
How do you know that he did not love his wife??

Ireland decriminilised homosexuality in 1993. There was no openly gay relationships so what choice did people have. They had a family together and I am sure were happy at one stage.

Making comments like this is unhelpful especially when you know little of the OPs situation and family dynamic.

Cheap Thrills!

CdeC wrote: »

I think this is a very unfair commment.
How do you know that he did not love his wife??

Love her? in what way like a sister that more than likely physically repulsed him. That is rationalisation and excuse making. That kind of 'love' is not good enough for a straight woman. How can a gay man and a straight woman be sexually compatible. It is deceit and emotional FRAUD and is deeply morally wrong to do on someone.

Concealing a material fact such as that from a partner is so obviously wrong it is impossible to explain if you don't understand. The damage done to the womans life will have been pervasive and seismic to her self worth and every other facet of her existance. It is utterly unjust and selfish.

Being gay is hard BUT does not entitle the suffering gay person to use another person. Two wrongs don't make a right.

CdeC wrote: »

Ireland decriminilised homosexuality in 1993. There was no openly gay relationships so what choice did people have. They had a family together and I am sure were happy at one stage.

They had the choice to not involve innocent people in their pain. The suffering of a gay person in a hostile & backward society in no way entitles them to use another person in a massive life stealing lie thats what.

Don't kid yourself no-one gets hurt in this big lie, they do and the damage is far reaching as is seen here in black and white in OP's post.

A gay person has no business concealing their sexuality from someone they plan to marry. It is wrong, wrong, wrong.

As I said before you can not justify that wrong by citing the gay persons own suffering. That is not wifes problem.