nervous about breakup

privateprofile

Hi guys,

I know a there are lot of similar posts here but I need some advice. I have been going out with my girlfriend for 3 years, but we've been having so many arguments all the time about the future etc that we have decided to have a break for 2 weeks of no contact to see if we would survive on our own.

The main theme of our arguments has been my career, because she is halfway through a course that will pretty much guarantee her a full time job, and I am a musician who plays gigs, teaches guitar and has a part time job that just pays rent. I am satisfied to go through life seeing what happens next and having the excitement of travel and new jobs etc. She on the other hand resents the fact that I will not be earning a lot of money and will not be able to support her need/desire for an expensive house and car etc. Money is important obviously but I need to be happy in what I choose to do for a living. There are a few jobs I have applied for and am considering applying for but they not certain enough for her. She wants a big wedding and expensive honeymoon and then a beautiful house, and all before she's 30 or so, and while i really admire her drive to do well in life, all those things aren't as important to me and I wont be able to afford any of it unless I get an unreal job out of nowhere.

We decided the other day that we were going to have a break from each other and then review the situation in a few weeks.

I dont want to be dragging her down and having her resent me forever for not having the kind of income she wants, and I dont want to be pushed into getting a job i dont like just for the money, not that thats exactly easy either though.

I'm nervous about fully breaking it off because I might regret it, but I think that whatever issues and differences we have between us now will only get worse as we get older and have to make real decisions. We will end up breaking up angrily in a few years time and then regret not doing it now and getting on with our lives. I do still love her I think but it could just be out of habit without actually considering what else is necessary for a relationship.

I also live with 2 single guys and the natural envy of watching them have great no strings fun kinda pushes me to the breakup 2, although I dont want that to make me seem shallow and just interested in sex coz im not. shes a great girl but i feel that continuing the relationship will make me resent her for nagging me non stop to grow up and get a good job, and her resenting me for not being the successful earner she wants me to be.

I think I will tell her soon that I do think the breakup is the best idea for both our sakes but its gonna be soooo hard and im afraid I wont know what to do as a single man again!

thanks for listening

StarryMoon0

I thnk your thinking pretty clear on the situation.

People have different goals in life, thats natural.
Part of the whole "getting to know each other" thing is seeing if you are compatible. I think some people would be completely cool with this sort of relationship, but its not everyones cup of tea.

I myself need a guy that has a similar drive to me. As in, a full time job so we can pay the bills, have a comfortable life, and travel a bit with the extra thats left over. I don;t think I could "fall" for someone who didn't have the same desires. I'm not materialistic though, fancy house..nah..holidays? yes please!!

Having said that, she is planning a lot She sounds like the type who knows exactly how things should be and likes her material comforts .. again her perogative, but if you two don't actaully agree, and she is not cool with your outlook, then eventually it may affect the relationship.

Is she the love of your life, do you want to get a higher paying job to help build this desireable life she wants ?

the gob

unfortunately op you have reached a major crossroads

my personal opinion is similar to yours- we all require money to live
but anyone who thinks money will bring them happiness is mistaken

what you have as a couple is far far more important

i can pay my bills without any luxurys but i spend lots of quality time with
my wife and kids and i can say im extremely happy. my wife always says
she would live in a cardboard box with me cos shes so happy

the happiest people i know are not preoccupied with wealth

my point is can you ever see your girlfriend thinking like this or will she always put finance before substance

think about it, ask her, then at least you can say you made an informed decision

best of luck hope it works out

seenitall

OP, this girl and yourself sound completely incompatible. It ain't gonna get better, it will just get worse. You already know that.

One should be loved and accepted for just exactly who one is, a person who is trying to change one's basic (dis)inclinations/wishes/drives, or put them in another gear to benefit their own comfort levels, is not the right choice for a life partner.

Best wishes for the future, though.

WhatWillBee

seenitall wrote: »

One should be loved and accepted for just exactly who one is,

While a lovely sentiment, its a little bit 'disney' and I think in reality people of have to sacrifice and compromise a little to adapt and combine their lives in a relationship.

seenitall wrote: »

a person who is trying to change one's basic (dis)inclinations/wishes/drives, or put them in another gear to benefit their own comfort levels, is not the right choice for a life partner.)

I can agree with this, but I didnt get the impression that his gf was trying to change him in anyway, just that she wanted different things. I dont think she is forcing him to do anything he doesnt want to. not yet anyways.

the gob wrote: »

but anyone who thinks money will bring them happiness is mistaken
can pay my bill
what you have as a couple is far far more important

I completely agree, but the only one sacrificing 'what they have as a couple' for wealth issues is the OP. He hasnt said anything that his gf is considering leaving him. Hes the one looking to leave her over money issues.

And in all fairness, the girls not looking for limos and champagne here, its not that shes materialistic herself, just that the OP is so much less bothered about the usual creature comforts than she is.

StarryMoon0 wrote: »

Part of the whole "getting to know each other" thing is seeing if you are compatible.

This is very true OP, but you have been with your gf for 3 years????

Has it really taken you 3 years to figure out that this girl wants the 'norm', house, holidays, etc etc etc and you are a bit more laid back bout that?? Thats the kind of thing that is usually blindingly obvious at the start of the relationship.

This combined with the way you mentioned bout living with single guys, makes me think maybe you are using this as a bit of an excuse and are looking for a reason to leave, but still want the comfort of her being there if it doesnt work out for you.

Plus, you say you want to just break up for 2 weeks to see if you can survive on your own??? What a load of bullcrap! If my boyf told me that, Id tell him he can have his two weeks with a side of forever! Youre with this girl 3 years and you need two weeks away from her to figure out if you want to be with her??

Are you perhaps looking to go out and have a couple 'single' weeks like the lads you live with that you ever so casually mentioned??


I think you have hit the 3 year itch, and you have one foot out the door and are looking for a way out that doesnt make you or her the bad guy, all of a sudden after three years shes suddenly incompatible? hmmm


I dont think you are a bad guy, but I dont think you are being honest with yourself and that means you cant be honest with her. If nothing else, she has been a loyal gf (im assuming) for the last 3 years so at least respect her enough to figure out what you want and then stick to it and be honest. Dont mess her about with a 2 week break etc. Cmon now!

privateprofile

cheers for the replies guys, bit of truth in all of them! Whatwillbe, she has said on numerous occasions that there is no point in going out anymore after arguments about careers and giving out when I want to have more than 2 pints on a night out. It has always been up to me to fix the arguments and i always have. sometime she says sorry for being so moody and that we can work out whatever job issues we have but the same thing always comes up time and time again.

I think im hesitating not because of any 'i just wanna go out on the pull' reasons, but because its the first time Ive broken up with somebody after a relationship this serious and maybe I havent had the balls to confront it until now.

plenty of couples take a week or 2 off to see how it goes; my parents did it and are married 25 years, it has also worked for friends of mine's parents so I dont think thats the problem. we just needed time to ourselves to think. maybe its a silly idea and maybe we should have just made the decision there and then but again reluctant to actually seal the deal.

What i need now is a pair of balls and a decision, shes a great girl and deserves honesty so I will ring her and be straight as I can

thanks again for the replies guys, i feel like a pr!ck but if i dont do it now itl hurt more in a couple of years time when life is more serious

WhatWillBee

Fair enough, I agree 2 weeks off can be therapeutic but only if both people want it and it isnt being pushed on one person, not that Im saying it is here.

Look breaking up with anyone is scary, its so final, and its hard to be without someone you get so used to even if you know you shouldnt be together so I totally get that. But please please realise that yes, couples can come back after a break and be stronger than ever, but its also just as likely that youll want to get back and she wont, or vice versa. So it is a major risk, so dont do it lightly.

Anyway, I think youre hearts in the right place, if a little confused and I know how hard that can be, so I wish you and your girlf the best of luck and I hope it all works out for you either way Youve got to do whats right for you. x

Canluum

I've been in a similar situation. It's hard to break up, yes, but doable. You'll pine over her now and then for months. This is normal and sounds horrible but is all part of the grieving process and worth it in the end.


Also for gods sake don't do the deed over the phone! Go visit, with all her stuff, be deliberate, kind but unwavering. Leave no room dor ambiguity, nor any hope for reconciliation. Anything less is cruel. It's tough as hell but worth it.

Lastly being single, especially if you're under 30 can be fantastic! I have no desire for a committed relationship at present and I'm open and honest about this fact with the women I meet. It'll take you a while to find your feet in the single world so don't fret or rush.