Advice on how to deal with my daughters mother?

LegacyUser

My ex partner (never married) who is also my daughters mother is making life extremely awkward for me in terms of visiting, money, parenting decisions and just a bad attitude in general. Everything has to be 100% on her terms with no flexibility. She gets support from me each month (€800 plus mortgage repayment). She wants to send her to a school where the mothers drop their kids off in their pajamas every morning and I'd like to send her to a different school. That's just one of a few issues.

To cut a long story short, I know she's pouring poison in my daughters ear when she talks about me, her mother is bitter over the relationship and the energy levels that go into simple arrangements are just pain staking. She's trying to punish me over our split and I hate to think what type of opinion of me my daughter is going to form or how she will grow up if she's around a very bitter negative person.

Has anyone here experience in dealing with these type of scenarios?

tinkerbell

OP, so you give her €800 a month plus mortgage arrangements? That to me sounds like an awful lot :eek: Has this gone through the court system and that's what was granted? Have you got access granted by court as well, because if she is trying to make things difficult you have a court doc to back you up to say that you have your daughter on Days X, Y, Z.

Also, since you are paying maintenance, etc. you should have say in what school your child goes to.

As for the whole "She wants to send her to a school where the mothers drop their kids off in their pajamas every morning" .... I assume you mean the mothers are dressed in their pajamas?

Also, I would say that if she is offering no flexibility, then you shouldn't be paying that much maintenance. You pay that much, you deserve some rights, and not for her calling all the shots.

LegacyUser

Sorry Op, but I find it hard to believe that you are paying 800pm plus mortgage repayments, and you weren't even married to this woman?

Unless you have guardianship of the child, you have no say in what school she goes to, no matter maintenance you pay.

Is this school (where the mothers wear pjs I assume) close to your ex and her daughter? Is it convenient for her to drop and collect? Unless you are prepared to share the dropping/collecting from the school of your own choice, I find it hard to see how you can dictate to your ex, what school your daughter goes to.

Has your daughter told you that her mother had bad mouthed you? Have you any proof of anything she may have said about you?

I ask all of the above questions because I had an ex, similar to you - who told the world and his mother he was paying me a small fortune in maintenance (I was getting 30pw), that I was bad mouthing our son against him (our son was 6 months at the time) and that he was SURE I was mental and that's why he couldn't see his son anymore, and I'm not mental.

I'm not saying you are lying OP, but there are two sides to every story.

Nevyn

800 a month seems excessive.

As for you paying half the mortguage, well if the mortgauge and house is in your name you are legally required to do so and you will get your half when the house is sold.

jimmycrackcorm

Op, treat your daughter with the kindness and love you feel for her and nothing her mother will say to her will poison her. Kids are smart and we really don't give them credit enough for their intelligence and capacity to learn.

I'd also play hardball with the mother, you're paying way over what you should be so you should set the rules out. Give her the choice of being fairer or tell her you'll stop paying altogether and go to court. You'll win access and end up paying less. She may be bitchy but you actually hold the aces.

CDfm

This is my take on it - divorced Dad and all that.

If it is an issue about going to school in pyjamas that sounds like playschool to me or montessori or some type of childminding issue. I really would not be worrying about it. She may call it a school but its a creche of some sort.

I would be going great -when does she start and look forward to the benefits the child will get socialising with other children.

It would be great if you can pick her up from there the odd time if you have a few days off work or whatever.

As regards primary school - no schools take pupils in in their pyjamas and the child will go to the same one as eveyone else in the neighbourhood -more than likely. Usually because it is more convenient.

Try to take a balanced view -if maintenance is too expensive go to one of the support groups on your rights

http://www.uspi.ie/

You might also check out this bunch who amalgamated with gingerbread and give support and courses to seperated/non custodial Dads.

http://onefamily.ie/our-services-for-families

Mooo

-lol

the way i read it was that the parents wear pyjamas when the kids are dropped off?

LegacyUser

Yeah CDFM, you have it all wrong.

The OP is making out that because the mammies drop their kids off to the school in their pyjamas ( the mammies) that all the kids going there are kids of mammies who wear their pjs going to the shops, and are therefore, ahem...a certain type of person.

No doubt,not all the mams do not wear their pjs going to that school.

And from my own experience of these schools (northside/inner city dublin, deemed 'disadvantaged' by the dept of ed), they have every and all types of support from the Govt. I often regret not sending my child to one of these schools - they have home school liasion officers/interactive white boards/afterschool facilities (free in most cases)/free school lunches etc etc....

magneticimpulse

unregistered wrote: »

Yeah CDFM, you have it all wrong.

The OP is making out that because the mammies drop their kids off to the school in their pyjamas ( the mammies) that all the kids going there are kids of mammies who wear their pjs going to the shops, and are therefore, ahem...a certain type of person.

No doubt,not all the mams do not wear their pjs going to that school.

And from my own experience of these schools (northside/inner city dublin, deemed 'disadvantaged' by the dept of ed), they have every and all types of support from the Govt. I often regret not sending my child to one of these schools - they have home school liasion officers/interactive white boards/afterschool facilities (free in most cases)/free school lunches etc etc....

Well the school i went to didnt do any problems. Mammies didnt turn up in PJs...but its prob in an area where people do that. Got me a PhD and other friends from same school went onto Havard Medical School and Havard Astronomy Dept...so I wouldnt worry too much about Primary school. Brother also went to similar school in area, 1st class Degree and getting job offers left right and centre.

She could be bullied in any school, even fee paying school and could have an awful time. I think schools can thoughen you up and if its in a "bad" area, the kid will learn thats not where she see's herself in life. Hence it turned out my school did have drop outs, but the others went on to be really successful.

You cant really do much about your daughters mother. Usually time is a good healer and she will be better if she meets/has a new partner in her life, she wont be so bitter then. Maybe you should suggest she goes out more and babysit your daughter. Ive a friend with kids and the father looks after her kids. She has managed to meet someone wonderful and is really happy. Maybe if she had more free time, she be less bitter to you.

As for how much you pay, maybe you can get free legal aid on that.

metrovelvet

magneticimpulse wrote: »

Well the school i went to didnt do any problems. Mammies didnt turn up in PJs...but its prob in an area where people do that. Got me a PhD and other friends from same school went onto Havard Medical School and Havard Astronomy Dept...so I wouldnt worry too much about Primary school. Brother also went to similar school in area, 1st class Degree and getting job offers left right and centre.

She could be bullied in any school, even fee paying school and could have an awful time. I think schools can thoughen you up and if its in a "bad" area, the kid will learn thats not where she see's herself in life. Hence it turned out my school did have drop outs, but the others went on to be really successful.

You cant really do much about your daughters mother. Usually time is a good healer and she will be better if she meets/has a new partner in her life, she wont be so bitter then. Maybe you should suggest she goes out more and babysit your daughter. Ive a friend with kids and the father looks after her kids. She has managed to meet someone wonderful and is really happy. Maybe if she had more free time, she be less bitter to you.

As for how much you pay, maybe you can get free legal aid on that.

It does sound like he is paying a lot of maintenance.

I disagree about primary school. I kind of get what OP is saying, but you have to choose your battles.

mag Imp has great advice in last paragraphs. One of the reasons I am so vitriolically bitter is because I have had ZERO time for me in three years plus a pregnancy. I didn't finish a meal until he turned two.

Saying that you pay her enough maintenance that she can get baby sitters.

Time isnt always a healer of wounds. It can deal them out too. Be careful before the seeds of bitterness take root.

CDfm

Mooo wrote: »

-lol

the way i read it was that the parents wear pyjamas when the kids are dropped off?

Haha.

But hey -the pyjama thing is a bit mad. It is something as a Dad a guy has no control over. So my advice still would be suck it up.If the kid is going to school it is a good thing.

My son is now in college and I bribed him with electric guitars etc along the way. I do great bribes.

I would be more concerned that the child gets to school and the Mum helps with homework etc.

smelltheglove

It is not often either parent has a choice over which school their child goes to unless you have the few bob to go private it is generally the local school or nothing you apply to the school you are in the catchment area of, the liklihood of getting a place in a school in which you are not in the catchment area of is not high at all. I dont get why people still dont understand this, so many times on forums we see parents, mams and dads, giving out about the local school and how they would never send their child there, but when the time comes they have to, it is the only school that has to take your child.

As for the mothers in pyjamas, does it bother you what other parents wear? The school is not about the parents but the education, that is what is paramount. Its not just inner city northside schools, that reckoning does my hea din tbh, not all northsiders are dodgy or wear pyjamas, actually since I have moved to the southside I have seen it more regularily. Honestly though, parents lack of dress sense has nothing to do with the teachers abilities. It is quite possible that the only way your child can go to another school is if your ex moves. My sister sold up her house because she had very similar to your view point above:eek: so moved before the child got to school going age.

On the maintenance and visitation, its time to go to a solicitor, unless you are completely and utterly rolling in it then you are paying way over the odds. Get an agreement of a realistic sum which will most likely be half of what you pay now and get visitation agreeable to both of you, apply for guardianship so you do have a choice on such issues in the future too. If you are afraid by reducing the maintenance your child will not get the material things they are used to then fine, buy those things yourself but the maintenance you are paying is extremely excessive for one child.

rolly1

Baby Momma issues wrote: »

My ex partner (never married) who is also my daughters mother is making life extremely awkward for me in terms of visiting, money, parenting decisions and just a bad attitude in general. Everything has to be 100% on her terms with no flexibility. She gets support from me each month (€800 plus mortgage repayment). She wants to send her to a school where the mothers drop their kids off in their pajamas every morning and I'd like to send her to a different school. That's just one of a few issues.

To cut a long story short, I know she's pouring poison in my daughters ear when she talks about me, her mother is bitter over the relationship and the energy levels that go into simple arrangements are just pain staking. She's trying to punish me over our split and I hate to think what type of opinion of me my daughter is going to form or how she will grow up if she's around a very bitter negative person.

Has anyone here experience in dealing with these type of scenarios?

2 Things immediately required:

1. Court stamped parenting plan
2. Legal Joint Gaurdianship

A parenting plan goes a long way towards setting clear boundaries and limits on everything to do with joint parenting, and cuts out a large swathe of messing see explanation here:

http://www.fsa.ie/fileadmin/user_upload/Files/FMSLeaflets_5_What_is_a_parenting_plan.pdf

Guardianship is vital to all major welfare decisions e.g school, health, residence. Its a basic fundamental right that should be automatic but.. welcome to unmarried fatherhood in Ireland!:cool:
The form for her signature is this one www.treoir.ie/pdfs/SI_5.pdf more information on same here:http://www.treoir.ie/pdfs/guardianship.pdf. It is also worth reading this:http://www.treoir.ie/pdfs/access.pdf

You should seek to get1&2 firstly through direct communication, if thats not possible next best option is through the free family mediation service see herehttp://www.fsa.ie/

Only after these avenues have been exhausted should you consider court. Make sure to put all requests for mediation/meetings etc. in writing and make copies to have a paper trail.

Once as you have a signed parenting plan and the statutory declaration of guardianship signed up be sure to get them court stamped to give them some legal teeth,ensure less messing and more compliance.

Your maintenance seems excessive, the maximum a district court will order is €150/week. Review you amount but never stop some form of payment. Apart from creating bad blood it will go against you badly in any court case.

I know there is a lot there but I can assure you it's best to get all this ****e out of the way quickly to avoid years of crap.

Take no notice of her bitterness just remember this saying "Bitterness is a poison we drink hoping that some one else will die."

Your daughter loves you and vice versa, keep that and take no notice of the bull. She'll be fine as long as you are fine.

Best of luck
R