Leave to Know?

LegacyUser

Hi All,

Everyone's opinions are welcome here but especially mens! Do some people need to leave to discover what they had?

My boyfriend left me 3/4 months ago to go traveling, he says there was more too it, that he didn't know what he wanted out of life yet, but it was very abrupt, kind of like a mid life crisis or something. I've been told some people just can't commit, or need to lose someone before they realise what they had...has anyone got any experience in this?

He had also been very down (maybe a little depressed) over the situation he was in for the past year. Before that he had always said he wanted to be with me for the rest of his life. Could this make a difference or am I simply deluding myself???

WesternNight

To be honest, it sounds like you'd be as well off to just move on. I'm sure it happens that people regret a break-up, but more often than not break-ups have reasons behind them that don't tend to change.

Unfortunately you can't control how your ex feels, you just have to look out for yourself and not dwell on it.

Good luck.

blackbird98

WesternNight wrote: »

To be honest, it sounds like you'd be as well off to just move on.

I wouldn't say that without knowing more about the relationship.....how long were you together??? Have you had regular contact since he left?

If you are in regular contact, then maybe try to talk about it, he may feel that he needs a break to get things off his mind or think things through

If you haven't had any contact, then i would say that it's time to move on

Wonkagirl

Numby... meet your twin sister.

Same thing happened to me last December.. identical. We had an amazing love affair, were very close, madly in love etc... then all of a sudden he became withdrawn, depressed, moody.. it was like being with an entirely different person. He left to go travelling for 5 mths.. I'm here, croi briste, crying into my cornflakes watching his travels unfold on facebook.. pathetic carry on all told. I actually had nights where i was stroking his pictures on the screen of my laptop- seriously- TRAGIC! All the while believing when he got back in June that we would pick up where we left off.

Well, we didnt. Boy was i in for a shock. Back he came, waited over a month to contact me, and then was very lukewarm. I actually ran into him (for the first time) this saturday. I was like ''did i imagine the amazing connection we had?'' and his reply was ''No, but my life is fooked up, i want to get out of this country for good, so there's no point in leading you on''...

My point being, if he's having a mid life crisis, then travelling for 4 mths wont solve that. Also, he wouldnt have left if he truly loved you. It's taken me 9 mths to realise that, i havent met anyone else as a result, so please dont make the same mistake

nitemare, i know what youre going through.

in answer to your original Q- does it take him leaving to realise his feelings- No, not in my opinion. Hopefully i'm wrong though.

LegacyUser

blackbird98 - We were together three years and we were in contact until a few weeks ago. I stopped it because I found it too painful.

Wonkagirl - Sorry to hear about what happened to you! It's an awful feeling. My ex has left and gone travelling (in search of work) now and says he doesn't know if/when he's going to return but that he'll be gone at least a year. Initially he asked me to go with him, but due to work commitments (contract) and my financial situation and the fact that I'm tied to a house for the next year I couldn't. Then he did a U-turn and said it wouldn't work anyway.

Really I think he doesn't know what he wants, and that he's not thinking clearly. But I'm starting to realise that if it's meant to be it will be. And maybe I'm a bit young anyway (24) so in the meantime (whether I end up with him or someone else) I should have some fun!

Wonkagirl

ah yes, it all sounds very familiar, doesnt know if/when he'll be back, i got the same.. You need to put it behind you for now, if it works out in the future well and good. Just dont stay in moping about him. Open your eyes to the other little fishies swimming around you.. and have some fun!

littlefish

Hi OP

I am a little lost here to be honest.

You were with the guy for 3/4 years? and he goes and skips the country?

Do you mind me asking you were you really with him this length. I am trying to get my head around the fact you said he has had a tough year and how has this last year where he was down and out not involved you? Did he not consider that after the length ye are together that whatever happends to him affects you?

Was it a fiarly casual relationship for the past few years as there you metion a house that you have. I take it ye were not living together?

LegacyUser

"Do you mind me asking you were you really with him this length"

Yes Littlefish, I was. In fact it was a very close relationship, on top of everything else he was my best friend. I do live in a house that I rent, and as he couldn't afford to live away from home he was just practically living with me.

I don't mean to sound narky either because I understand it sounds strange! It was actually like he had a complete personality transplant overnight. It came literally out of nowhere, and it wasn't all in my head either because everybody was completely stunned, even his mother. I mean you couldn't make the stuff he did during the break up up. An hour before he broke up with me he told me that I was the most important thing in his life and that he would always come back for me. Mad stuff.

littlefish

Well I think to be honest with you that you are better off without and that you have given too much yourself to this guy without enough in return.

There is the saying that if you love someone set them free and if they come back they are yours, if the don't they never were.

It is a great saying and true but after 4 months or so he isn't likely to come back to you and if he does want to I hope you realise that you yourself deserve better. You've given too much already and I hope you move on

Feeling Groovy

Im in a similar boat, girlfriend (well ex now) is going abroad and i dont know for how long. Ive tried to give her space because i know its the right thing but it just makes me feel worse. We had a similar relationship to yours numby. Broke up because she was so stressed with work and being underpaid. I hope it will still be there when she gets back, but because of the uncertainty of how long she'll go for it leaves me in limbo. I want to get on with my life so I can feel better but I dont want to end any possibility of us rekindling what we had.

Wonkagirl

Feeling Groovy wrote: »

I hope it will still be there when she gets back, but because of the uncertainty of how long she'll go for it leaves me in limbo. I want to get on with my life so I can feel better but I dont want to end any possibility of us rekindling what we had.

Crikey, it's in the air. I guess it's a feature of the economic climate we're in.

I felt exactly as you did above- i didnt want to close the door to rekindling what we had either, but i wanted to get on with my life.. very difficult to do both. I havent been able to anyway. Until now. Try and get on with your life as best you can, and keep an open mind about meeting someone else too. What will be will be.

A total dose, isnt it? Im worn out from it tbh. Enough now, for me anyway. As a final gesture of my 'moving on' i even joined anotherfriend.com on sunday... logged on last nite and had 48 emails and 60 winks- how bad- has taken my mind off things anyway!