Unhappy on the continent

LegacyUser

I have just moved from Ireland to a country on the continent for a fixed term work placement. I was thrilled to get it as obv jobs aren't easy to come by in Ireland and it's quite a prestigious organisation which will look good on my CV. I'm not too pushed about the work I';ll be doing - in fact it's really, really boring - but I thought it would be a good experience. I've been here a week now and I feel utterly miserable. I expected the organisation to organise some welcome meeting for new recruits, but nothing. There are plenty of people in my situation but I have no idea how to find them or meet them as they work in different buildings. I'm just totally alone. This is the second time I've worked on the continent and the first time was just as bad. I just keep getting this sinking feeling that I'm wasting my time.

I left a boyfriend and friends at home and here I spend the whole time walking around trying to find things to do. Everything closes at 5 and the place is dead after that except for bars/clubs which I don't want to go to alone, as a female. I'm considering going to the cinema alone tonight just to get out of the house. I'm renting a room with an older lady and her son and I just don't feel comfortable here at all. I'm paranoid about using the shower in case I don't leave it as they expect, my room is messy because I still haven't unpacked properly and I feel guilty for that. I know I sound like a child but I'm early-mid twenties and have lived away from home for years now - just not in this situation. I've been going to a kebab place around the corner for all my meals or grabbing a burger from McDonald's as I don't feel comfortable cooking in the kitchen. I just feel so miserable. At least if I had my own studio flat, I could make it my own, spend time cooking, get myself a TV, feel free to be a bit messy, whatever, but it's well out of my price range. I know the lady and her son think I'm weird for not ever spending time in the kitchen or living room but I just feel so awkward. I don't speak the language well and I think that's my main problem. If someone tries to talk to me, I freeze and I look like an idiot.

Everyone back home keeps telling me how lucky I am and I don't have the heart to tell them how I really feel. I just want to be home, with people to go out with, eat with, drink with, I want a supermarket that isn't closed at 5pm, I want a job where I'm not constantly struggling to understand and join in conversations. The last country I lived in, things got considerably better when I joined a language class, but it looks like even that isn't going to happen here as enrolments are finished! Normally my weekend would fly by but now I'm struggling to find ways to fill it. Can anyone who has ever been in a similar situation give any advice?

LegacyUser

Hey, that sounds like a tough situation but try to keep your head up. For starters, you've only been there a week - it's natural to feel out of place and lonely while you adjust. Don't write it off completely after just a week, you might be closing yourself off to what is an amazing experience.

I take it that you're only gonna be there for a certain amount of time? At least you know you'll be going home eventually. But while you're there, why not make the best of the situation? It's not going to change otherwise. Set aside an afternoon to sort out your room. You might not have a studio flat, but you can make your room your own little haven, decorate it and arrange it the way you want it. Also, you're gonna have to make yourself use the kitchen - living on kebabs and takeaway food won't improve your mood, you've got to try to eat healthily and you'll feel better. And I know you don't want to, but at least try to go into the living room and have a chat with the people you're living with for a half hour every evening. It will make you feel less self-conscious and more comfortable, even if it's only small talk.

And there's nothing wrong with going to the cinema on your own! Go to a cafe with a magazine or book, have a coffee, you never know who you'll strike up conversation with. Basically you just have to force yourself to put yourself out there. It's hard but if you do that, it'll get better.

prinz

You mention there are others it seems working for the same company in your situation but in different buildings? Could you not put a sign up perhaps on a notice board in their buildings? You mention the first time on the continent was just as bad - the experience is what you make it tbh.

You've got time on your hands, and trouble with the local language.... this seems to cancel each other out. Go to a library, buy a language cd course on the web, look for grinds, offer English grinds in return for the local lingo.....

zxcvbnm1

Firstly what are doing living with a lady and her son?
Move out if there andmove in with people your own age?

What city are you inby the way?

Your next step is to log onto meetup.com for your city andgo to those events.

Also presumably there us an Irish expat community there. Tap into that also. You will find them on the web.
Equally just tap into the expat community in general.

Do the above and your problems are sorted. It really is that simple.

I'm also abroad rightnow completely alone and the above worked for me.

LegacyUser

I don't really have a choice about the accommodation - most rooms advertised are twice what I'm paying and I'm on a very low salary. I don't want to say the city but it's a very, very small city with very little going on. Not at all what I'm used to. I'm sure there must be some sort of social life but it's all so different here. At home I wouldn't have a problem popping into Starbucks or whatever for a coffee but here, a lot of the places are just stand up coffee bars or proper sit down places with waiters who look at you funny and ask if you really want a table for one. People don't really go out alone here and it's really the kind of small town place where people do stare at you which I really don't like. I have found one Meetup group but it only has a few members, nevertheless I will go along to whatever is organised. Haven't seen or heard any Irish people around here, or any English.

As for the language, I was really hoping to do a course but there don't seem to be any available. I am learning via YouTube and internet lessons but that involves spending even more time in my room. I have looked around but the noticeboards have only official info and you're not allowed to put up your own stuff. There aren't any such boards in the train station and I've yet to find the library. I just wasn't expecting it to be this tricky. I did Erasmus and had no problem meeting people, as I had classes all day and lived with students but here I just don't know where to start really. The locals are quite miserable and dour which doesn't help anything, and the weather is horrendous, constant rain and grey skies. I knew this wasn't really my kind of country but I thought I'd find it OK once I met people and explored a bit, but there just doesn't seem to be much TO the city, it's tiny. There is some good walking/hiking nearby but I am a bit afraid to go alone in case something happens - the last thing I need is to get lost in a forest. I do plan to visit cities which are within 2 hours travel time but again I don't really want to do it alone - last time I was abroad I did this and it got a bit depressing to be among hordes of tourists all on my own. I am an introverted person but I enjoy travelling so much more with other people. I guess I'll have to make the best of it but the loneliness is wearing me down already

LegacyUser

My advice would be to wait it out for another few weeks and see if you feel differently then. Things might change. If they don't, why don't you just go home? A job is just a job - yes, you're lucky to have one, but it's not worth putting your mental health on the line for. If you're that unhappy, go home.

dellas1979

What country are you in? (I think you can mention it).

A week is a very short time to get used to something.

Why do you feel so uncomfortable? Are you one of these people that feels uncomfortable for no reason, thus making other people uncomfortable and yourself paranoid?

Have the people in the house done something to you?

Are there at least other english speaking people in your company to get to know?

LegacyUser

I have considered going home but would really much rather try to stick it out. This is a fantastic opportunity, on paper, and I would like to learn the language by the time I leave.

dellas1979 wrote: »

What country are you in? (I think you can mention it).

A week is a very short time to get used to something.

Why do you feel so uncomfortable? Are you one of these people that feels uncomfortable for no reason, thus making other people uncomfortable and yourself paranoid?

Have the people in the house done something to you?

Are there at least other english speaking people in your company to get to know?

I don't want to say exactly where as quite a few people I know read this board. It's Western/Northern Europe. I don't think I feel uncomfortable for no reason, no. I feel uncomfortable living in someone else's house who doesn't make much effort at all to talk to me. Perhaps that is indeed my own perception but I have started conversations and felt that she wanted to get back to work or get on with something, I feel like I'm in the way. The lady is nice but not overly interested in me or talkative. No, the people in the house haven't done anything. They're not unpleasant. I just don't feel very at home here. There are people who speak English at work but they're not native speakers so there's still a bit of a cultural gap there - obviously this is my problem as i'm the foreigner, but it's very difficult. I am really doing my best to be extroverted and breezy but not sure how long I can keep it up. Being 'myself' rarely works in these situations because I'm a bit timid and hold back with people I don't know and then they think I'm snooty. I definitely don't want that. I guess I just underestimated how difficult it would be. A new job is hard enough at home, but in a new culture, it's so difficult.

dellas1979

charl861 wrote: »

I have considered going home but would really much rather try to stick it out. This is a fantastic opportunity, on paper, and I would like to learn the language by the time I leave.



I don't want to say exactly where as quite a few people I know read this board. It's Western/Northern Europe. I don't think I feel uncomfortable for no reason, no. I feel uncomfortable living in someone else's house who doesn't make much effort at all to talk to me. Perhaps that is indeed my own perception but I have started conversations and felt that she wanted to get back to work or get on with something, I feel like I'm in the way. The lady is nice but not overly interested in me or talkative. No, the people in the house haven't done anything. They're not unpleasant. I just don't feel very at home here. There are people who speak English at work but they're not native speakers so there's still a bit of a cultural gap there - obviously this is my problem as i'm the foreigner, but it's very difficult. I am really doing my best to be extroverted and breezy but not sure how long I can keep it up. Being 'myself' rarely works in these situations because I'm a bit timid and hold back with people I don't know and then they think I'm snooty. I definitely don't want that. I guess I just underestimated how difficult it would be. A new job is hard enough at home, but in a new culture, it's so difficult.

Well, I think you need to give it more time - the accomodation and the job.

I think that you are having some kind of culture shock.

I know you said you did erasmus (so did I) and I remember we got info on how to deal with culture shock.

You need to start making friends some how. Whether it means approaching people or whatever. Maybe kill two birds with one stone and do a language exchange with one of your collegues who wants to better their english. Or find the newbies in the company, or teach some classes outside or something. Just do something.