dont know what to do...

LegacyUser

im not even sure what i expect to get out of this, but i guess i just need to do something. found out that my GF was abused and raped by someone in her school when she was younger. she got pregnant and had an abortion. she then went through a huge stage of depression and tried to kill herself.

Shes since dealt with everything with her parents and is coping with her past. but when i found out i just didnt know what to say. im just so lost and i dont know how to cope with this, or what to do. and its killing me knowing theres nothing i can do to make this all better. i even got so angry when she told me that i think i may have broken my hand from punching a tree...

any feedback welcome

I am a friend

God love her, the poor pet...

Op are you angry because you love her and someone hurt her or is there another reason? I can understand someone getting so angry if it had just happened or were ongoing but not when it was years ago and assuming before you knew her. I am not saying you should not be upset for what she hasgobe through but why are you so angry that you are punching a tree?

LegacyUser

im angry because she means so much to me. and i just cant fathom that someone could do that to her. she is the sweetest person in the world, she is perfect! and i just cant get my head around the fact that someone could be so vile. just the pure anger in me that someone could do that...

I am a friend

Ok well I can understand that but just a word of advice. If I were you I would be going down the strong silent type route and not adding to her anguish with your own hurt and anger. She has enough to deal with herself and that was not a dig.

Don't force the details out of her and don't keep bringing it up. Tell her you will talk about it antime any leave her to come to you.

As for the beast who did that well it says all about them and is no reflection on your gf.

LegacyUser

Hey OP.

MY GF was abused when she was younger too. I can completely and totally relate to the anger you feel, and the mental stuff that's going on in your head.

I can understand someone getting so angry if it had just happened or were ongoing but not when it was years ago and assuming before you knew her.

This is not terribly helpful. Anger is something that is part and parcel of finding out something like this happened to someone you love. And this didn't just 'happen once', it's something that she is reliving every single day, no doubt.

OP, the best thing I can recommend is that you find someone to talk to, but ONLY with the permission of your GF, whether that's a mate, a family member or a counsellor. You need to look after yourself at the moment. Your anger is completely natural, but you need to learn to channel it better. Reacting with violence is not ideal as she has already had enough of that in her life. I know it's tough (trust me, I do) but you need to temper it, and not let it control you.

And maybe you already did this, but you should thank her for being so open and honest with you. And you need to know that for her to be comfortable telling you this it means she trusts you hugely. That's a big gift, man. I know a girl who told a boyfriend that they were raped, and they guy just said "Did you like it?" WTF?? SO your reaction so far has been pretty good and understandable. I do agree with other posters that you need to keep it in check, around her especially, but DON'T think you have to do the 'strong silent type' around everyone about this. Yes, you need to find another person to talk to to work out your anxieties and stuff around it, but you can also talk to her. My gf was relieved when I started talking to her about my reactions to all of this, because we're human. Obviously not in the same detail in some areas as you would to a counsellor or whatever, but just as she has confided and trusted in you, so you can with her. Relationships are about both parties supporting the other.

Anyway, i recently had a thread over in main PI about this kind of thing, you might find it useful. http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056042426

Look after yourself, OP.

LegacyUser

OP here.

thanks for that reply doodleoo. it actually was great to read someone elses experiences in the matter. and i agree that there is nothing harder than having no one to talk about. i refuse to talk to my GF about it all because i know it will upset her. its hard for her because im the only non-family member shes told and i feel like its such a huge weight on my shoulders. obviously im happy that she told me, because it shows how strong we are, but its still a lot to bear which im sure you can understand.

ive done pretty much everything you said, thanked her for being so open, tried talking to her, but its like she just wants to move on with it and pretend that she didnt even tell me, and just wants me to forget. i can understand why shes thinking like that but its obvious that i cant just ignore it.

but you're right, even just reading your thread made me feel a lot calmer about things, and more in control of my thoughts, so thanks very much

I am a friend

dont know what to do wrote: »

its obvious that i cant just ignore it.

you have no choice - you have to follow her lead on this. It's not your call so don't make it harder on her