In love with older man

LegacyUser

Hi,

I am 31, single mother with some rough years behind me, and still struggling to some degree
with relationship issues with my family- basically I am quite lonely.

I have now fallen in love with a 15 year older man, whom I barely know but occassionally meet through work.

He has been helping me more than reasonably much in a work situation. He is very kind, good-hearted, and also I find him attractive, and I am very keen on getting to know him.

He has mentioned he has a three year old child, and from looking up the phone directory it seems like he lives with the mother. He is not married.

I feel like if this is so inappropriate but I am so curious and also starved of goodhearted, interesting people that I connect with, in my life.


...........

Miss Fluff

unknown 1 wrote: »

I have now fallen in love with a 15 year older man, whom I barely know but occassionally meet through work...

You can't possibly be in love with him as you admit yourself you don't even know the chap. You are quite possibly infatuated with him though.

I'd say age wouldn't really matter but the fact that he has a partner and a child already means he is off-limits. I think you already know that though, right?

If your own life seems empty and you are lonely, then that's why you're projecting all these feelings on to someone who has merely been kind to you. You need to start filling your life and occupying your time with real actual people rather than building a fantasy around someone you don't actually really know. Have you good friends? Have you interests? Can you get to know some other Mums in your area? The more you spread your social net, the more chance you have of meeting someone a. suitable and b. obtainable....

Neyite

you barely know him. if he is living with someone, then they are as much a family as anyone else, married or not. while marraige is the ultimate commitment, it does not mean that couples who are not married are any less committed.

my OH is a lovely kind man,who would have no problem going out of his way to help others. once or twice this has backfired a bit, with a woman thinking there is more to it. one even hit on him in front of me, which only resulted in her mortification, not mine or his. another made a move on a night where i was not out, but she was firmly turned down and he came home and told me all about it. people who assume that as we are not married we are not committed, seriously underestimate us.

if you are as keen as you say, then think really carefully about getting involved. it might be that he is too nice to cheat. its very possible if you made known your intentions, it would result in embarrassment for you both.

i would not go there if i were you, you would lose a nice friend. how would you feel about becoming friends with his partner too, which might introduce you to a wider circle of nice people?

this has highlighted one area though you would benefit from working on - your loneliness. getting to know a handful of people introduces you to their friends, male and female etc. nearly all of my relationships came from friend of friend introductions. can you take up a hobby /sport such as tag rugby, or join a running club? the initial step is the hardest, but worth it.

good luck

LegacyUser

Miss Fluff wrote: »

If your own life seems empty and you are lonely, then that's why you're projecting all these feelings on to someone who has merely been kind to you. QUOTE]


That is spot on, I do feel empty and as if he could fulfill me. I am also very much disapponted with almost everyone I have ever met in my life, and feel bored with and disconnected from most people I meet.

I just have this idea that he somehow really special, and I do not know what is going on with his relationship. If his relationship is good and they are a happy family I would never go near him - but if he is on the verge of breaking up already and she is not happy either I would like to have the chance to get to know him.

There is no way for me to find out other than through him as he has no associations with any of my other colleagues.

darad

Op being lonely is awful. Try not to let your emotions run riot with this man it seems like he is not available. Try and do something for yourself, join a club or take up a hobby. Good luck.

LegacyUser

Neyite wrote: »

if he is living with someone, then they are as much a family as anyone else, married or not. while marraige is the ultimate commitment, it does not mean that couples who are not married are any less committed.

I agree with this, I must admit I feel slightly embarrassed about this whole thing, and I am aware it can cause me further embarrasment if I go any further in trying to get to know him, since it is so obvious what my intentions are in that case.

I only mentioned him not being married as it could be a sign that the relationship was not as stable or serious so as to tie the knot - but I realise I am wrong there, and actually it can be the other way in many cases.

Miss Fluff

unknown 1 wrote: »

I just have this idea that he somehow really special

But this is not at all substantive is it? You're basing this on the fact that he was kind to you, and you actually have no basis for it other than that. You don't actually know enough about him to know whether he is special or not.

I think you seem pretty self-aware insofar as you know this stems from feeling unfulfilled and being lonely. My heart goes out to you. I do think rather than waste time on a fantasy and a non-starter, you should make steps now to enrich your life through building your social circle. Forget about this guy, you'll only waste your time and damage your own self-esteem in the process m'dear.

I am a friend

No matter how lonely you are or how unhappy he MAY be in his relationship, as long as he is in any relationship he is notfair game. Anyway would you want a man who would cheat on his partner.

"When a man marries his mistress it creates a job opportunity."

LegacyUser

I've been thinking...

I have decided I am going to let him know that .... Or no by the way, that could wreck the business relationship.

I am not intending to become someones mistress. I am just longing to get to know him.

It is kind of hard. I will try to fulfill my life in other ways, but thing is, I already tried, and it did not really fulfill anything except my timetable.

If there is a deep soulconnection between us I expect things to happen by themselves and I will not push anything.

Getting physically involved with him is obviously off limits as long as he is in a relationship and even for some time after that.

What's really important here is that he has a child and I would never ever want to be responsible for causing any drama that could possibly traumatise a child.

It could be that they are arguing everynight though and that is also traumatising for a child. Paople should not stay together if they are unhappy for the reason of not traumatising a child.

My own father married his mistress and I agree on the quote that *I am a friend* wrote.

seenitall

unknown 1 wrote: »

I've been thinking...

I have decided I am going to let him know that .... Or no by the way, that could wreck the business relationship.

I am not intending to become someones mistress. I am just longing to get to know him.

It is kind of hard. I will try to fulfill my life in other ways, but thing is, I already tried, and it did not really fulfill anything except my timetable.

If there is a deep soulconnection between us I expect things to happen by themselves and I will not push anything.

Getting physically involved with him is obviously off limits as long as he is in a relationship and even for some time after that.

What's really important here is that he has a child and I would never ever want to be responsible for causing any drama that could possibly traumatise a child.

It could be that they are arguing everynight though and that is also traumatising for a child. Paople should not stay together if they are unhappy for the reason of not traumatising a child.

My own father married his mistress and I agree on the quote that *I am a friend* wrote.

OP, you are deluded beyond belief. Honestly, I can hardly believe the things you write. "It could be that they are arguing every night..." - in which space or time dimension is this a reality, or even a reasonably suspected possibility, except in your lonely mind? Wishful thinking doesn't even begin to get there.

I am sorry, OP, I am just saying it as I see it.

Leave this poor man alone, the last thing he needs in his life is for a delusional desperado to try and "get to know him". :rolleyes:

If you do anything about your longings, you will only embarrass yourself and lose the respect of someone you admire. Mark my words.

Get some good counselling for yourself and stop obsessing over this guy.

Miss Fluff

unknown 1 wrote: »

It could be that they are arguing everynight though and that is also traumatising for a child. Paople should not stay together if they are unhappy for the reason of not traumatising a child.

But you don't know any of this! :eek: You're not only imagining him to be a certain person and fit a certain mould, you now are creating personal circumstances for him too. You have to forget about him. Telling him how you (think you) feel about him when you don't even know the guy is ill-advised. I don't want come across as unsympathetic here because I do actually feel sorry for you, but he is involved and has a child and to even entertain thoughts of being involved with him is not what you need right now. Seriously.

LegacyUser

seenitall wrote: »

OP, you are deluded beyond belief. Honestly, I can hardly believe the things you write. "It could be that they are arguing every night..." - in which space or time dimension is this a reality, or even a reasonably suspected possibility, except in your lonely mind? Wishful thinking doesn't even begin to get there.

I am sorry, OP, I am just saying it as I see it.

Leave this poor man alone, the last thing he needs in his life is for a delusional desperado to try and "get to know him". :rolleyes:

If you do anything about your longings, you will only embarrass yourself and lose the respect of someone you admire. Mark my words.

Get some good counselling for yourself and stop obsessing over this guy.

Ha, ha, ha. I was laughing when I read this. It's so true.

I will move on now, forget about this, blush when I meet him for my earlier attempts of being personal in our communication, and be cold as as a stone.

I know its so pathetic.

Although, I dont believe in counselling, tried it, and felt like I was there to fulfill the needs of my counsellor- make her job interesting and pay her wages...

What I need is to find a place where I love living- since that is some other issue in my life, and there are many...

I suppose it is some kind of avoidance-method of my other real problems in my life.

Thanks for all the good advice- I feel just as miserable still but at least I am not taking my self seriously.

LegacyUser

by the way, my fathers wife (previously mentioned), is a counsellor...

seenitall

Glad to read of such a good reception of my post, OP, as I am aware my posts sometimes tend to be perceived as harsh, while I am really trying to give people the benefit of my experience and advice.

One more thing I would say is, as you have some wider issues and problems in your life, to give therapy/counselling another go. Believe me, I know that it can be crap and unhelpful when you end up going to see someone whose style doesn't suit you, but I have been through all that and was much happier when I found a therapist who suited me, and never looked back.

Best wishes.

I am a friend

unknown 1 wrote: »

I've been thinking...

I have decided I am going to let him know that ....

No no no no no no no. He is a business acquaintance and nothing more. Act professionally - this is NOT a good move. You should also be aware of the pain an affair can cause a family and I am so surprised you are willing to put someone else throught that. You seem hell bent on doing what you want to do and no one here will be able to away you...