is she cheating?

joesoap1977

I've been going out with my gf for a little over five years and we've been living together for 2.5 years. Last summer i discovered she was seeing someone else.
we worked things out and the relationship has been good this year but i still have my suspicions. over the last month she's been working late a lot. and seeing friends after work that she hasnt seen in ages.
am i right to be suspicious?

Elbi

joesoap1977 wrote: »

I've been going out with my gf for a little over five years and we've been living together for 2.5 years. Last summer i discovered she was seeing someone else.
we worked things out and the relationship has been good this year but i still have my suspicions. over the last month she's been working late a lot. and seeing friends after work that she hasnt seen in ages.
am i right to be suspicious?

Well if this is happening all of a sudden (the past month) then I do think you have a right to be suspicious BUT maybe the suspicion is just because of her past cheating, I do think if someone cheats once then there is always gonna be a bit of doubt nagging at you every time she goes out or works late in your case.

This could be perfectly innocent, she could well be working late or meeting friends, maybe talk to her about it ?

joesoap1977

Elbi wrote: »

Well if this is happening all of a sudden (the past month) then I do think you have a right to be suspicious BUT maybe the suspicion is just because of her past cheating, I do think if someone cheats once then there is always gonna be a bit of doubt nagging at you every time she goes out or works late in your case.

This could be perfectly innocent, she could well be working late or meeting friends, maybe talk to her about it ?

yes, its been all of a sudden, the last four-five weeks.

Elbi

joesoap1977 wrote: »

yes, its been all of a sudden, the last four-five weeks.

I think you just need to talk to her about it. I'm sure she will tell you the truth or you will know by her reaction,

See I just cant understand why someone would cheat on someone else, I think if you wanna cheat, dump your boyfriend and meet the new guy.

Maybe you are just suspicious after last time, If it were me Id be going out of my mind I don't think i could ever take someone back just because Id make myself crazy every time he went out or something.

Ickle Magoo

Have you asked her about it? Given past form I'd be surprised if you weren't suspicious but that doesn't mean there is anything necessarily going on - I think it's very hard to draw a line under and truly forgive and forget a partner being unfaithful.

If you are going to be on tender-hooks at every late night and every unusual meet up is going to draw your suspicions, you are going to drive yourself crazy. You have to talk to her and request complete honesty and transparency and be content that you absolutely believe what she's saying is what is going on, or there is little point in torturing yourself and carrying on with such a relationship.

Best of luck

joesoap1977

I have thought about having the chat about it. its hard to have that chat without seeming like im accusing her of something.

Elbi

joesoap1977 wrote: »

I have thought about having the chat about it. its hard to have that chat without seeming like im accusing her of something.

No just tell her how you feel and stress you arent accusing her of anything. You cant really accuse her because you dont know if she is or isnt.

Ickle Magoo

Well, bring it up and make it about you. Tell her you are feeling insecure and paranoid and a little neglected. What can she do to convince you there is nothing going on? I appreciate you don't want to make any accusations but have been cheated on once, it's hardly surprising that you would be quick to spot any unusual patterns forming - and given that you are trying to forgive and forget her infidelity, your girlfriend should understand why you are bringing it up. Though, if you have chosen to forgive her there comes a time when you have to just draw a line under the past and trust that she won't cheat rather than keep worrying that she will.

S23

You've have every right to feel a bit nervous or suspicious. However, it doesn't mean anything is actually going on.

I'd talk to her about it but I wouldn't start telling her that you're insercure, paranoid and neglected because if she does get up to something now or in the future a simple thing for her to do would be to say 'you're being insecure and paranoid, you've said so yourself'.

A little more info would help. How late is working late? Is she supposed to be finishing at 5 and coming home at 11? Or is it an hour here or there. It might not seem overly relevant but it is.

I've seen a few wives/gfs/husbands/bfs accept the 'I have to work late' routine before when it was blatantly obvious that their partner didn't work in a job where people would be staying back 6 hours after normal working hours concluded. For example, my OH works in an extremely busy job for a huge company. She might have to stay back for an hour the odd time but if she told me she had to stay back until 11 I'd know she was lying because, quite simply, the office never open beyond 7pm for any reason. Nobody stays back that late and the place is shut down regardless. Any other further work would have to be done from home

Why don't you try telling her you miss her with all her working late and ask her to tell you about her job and why its so busy. You'd not be accusing her of anything and you'd actually be taking an interest in her.

If its an hour here or there then I wouldn't sweat it too much. If its hours and hours upon end after work then you might have cause to be worried. That all depends on what kind of work she does though and whether or not its actually likely she has to do all this extra work

Ickle Magoo

S23 wrote: »

I'd talk to her about it but I wouldn't start telling her that you're insercure, paranoid and neglected because if she does get up to something now or in the future a simple thing for her to do would be to say 'you're being insecure and paranoid, you've said so yourself'.

I also stated that if the OP continued to feel paranoid and insecure and neglected after talking with his girlfriend then the relationship was on a hiding to nothing. If you can't tell your partner how you feel for fear they'll use it as ammunition next time they cheat, it's hardly a relationship worth having.

S23

Thats fair point but I wouldn't lead off with telling her that. Don't give her the ammunition to shoot right back at you with your first sentence.

If anything is going on again I'm sure the OP would like as little drama as possible in getting to the bottom of it. Handing his OH ready made excuses won't help that.

I really would like to know how late and how often shes staying back after work though. It's hard to gauge just how 'off' the whole thing is without knowing that much

joesoap1977

The late working varies. at times it is 2 hours. but there have been a few times when it has been 4-5hours. and she has been meeting friends after work from time to time.

S23

Sorry Joe but that all sounds a bit ropey initially. She has to work late then on top of that is telling you after these hours of working late shes been meeting friends after.

I know you don't want to release sensitive info about your OH here but what kind of field of work is she in (and I'm asking for a broad answer here)

Very few jobs actually ever require people to stay back for 5 hours after work (thats not to say it doesn't happen though!). Also, has she said why her job is requiring her to do this now? Why is it extra busy all of a sudden?

joesoap1977

it would be quite possible in her field of work to do such long hours. but would be a little unusual. that's why i got suspicous.

S23

Sorry to repeat myself but did she tell you why the sudden need to work so late so often. If you say it would be a little unusual maybe you'd be able to gauge from her answer whether or not you think its suspect.

Also, if shes (allegedly) working 4-5 extra then how often is she (allegedly) going to meet her friends after these long stints.

Also, does she tell you in advance that she will be working late or does she just ring you on a given day and say 'sorry I have to work late tonight I won't be home until Xpm

joesoap1977

S23 wrote: »

Sorry to repeat myself but did she tell you why the sudden need to work so late so often. If you say it would be a little unusual maybe you'd be able to gauge from her answer whether or not you think its suspect.

Also, if shes (allegedly) working 4-5 extra then how often is she (allegedly) going to meet her friends after these long stints.

Also, does she tell you in advance that she will be working late or does she just ring you on a given day and say 'sorry I have to work late tonight I won't be home until Xpm

she says its busy in work. that's not difficult to believe. its a busy workplace. happens once a week, sometime twice a week.
she doesnt tell me in advance.

S23

doesn't tell you in advance meaning she just shows up at home at 10 and says she's had to work late. or meaning she rings you at her usual finishing time and says I won't be home until later tonight I have to work late?

I'll ask again have you asked her why the sudden need to work late over this last month? I think 99% of workplaces are extremely busy these days. Staying back twice a week for 2-5 hours a time is another kettle of fish.

fungun

is this how she cheated last time? is it a sudden change in how often she is meeting her friends?
Sounds like you still have issues to do with her past cheating to deal with, that you dont fully trust her.

I wouldnt bring this up as a new issue or anything accusative. Id bring it up saying that you still have a problem trusting her after the last one and try to see what you can do to resolve this.

Only thing is....and I never understand why guys dont do this.....if you really think she is actually being unfaithful, why dont you keep trying to have sex with her when she comes home? Surely it wouldnt be normal for her to say no all the time, so if she does that would heighten your suspicions.

joesoap1977

usually she texts after her normal finishing time.

S23

Ok one simple way to check out whether or not shes actually staying back without getting into accusing her or coming off as a jealous lunatic.

Next time she texts you to say, sorry have to work late won't be home until 10, drop down to her job. Bring her some soup/roll/sandwich. Just go in to her and say 'you've been working very hard a lot lately and you must be hungry working so long after hours so I brought you this'.

If she's there then I doubt she will be annoyed at the gesture. If shes not there then that opens up another can of worms altogether.

It's a slightly crude method I grant you and 99% of the time I'd say just leave it, things probably are just as they seem. However, she has a track record and is a proven cheater so I'm only telling you what I'd do. If I was suspicious I'd have to know was she actually where she was when she said she was.

Alternatively, you could ring her job after hours (since its obviously meant to still be busy with the work people are staying back for?) and ring the information desk/secretary/whatever and ask to speak to your girlfried. Again, if she is there, she is there, if shes not then shes lying

La frog fairy

Hi,

its a awkward situation you're in, this is why i think i would have a hard time forgiving/forget cheating, because the min the partner starts acting differently then its easy to get the feeling something is happening again.

I guess it depends in your case how did you find out the time she cheated on you before? did you had doubts and had a feeling she was or was it a out of the blue case?

Im a strong supporter of communication in relationships, if you cant seat down and discuss things then you will torture yourself and always questions things in the future.
Did you guys even thought of couple counceling after you patched things up last time?

Honesty is the best thing, tell her how you feel just like you told us, easy and no hidding, be calm and open and tell her you re not accusing her but you need her to be by your side and understand you view...you have been together long enough so she should understand.

My opinion anyway

best of luck to you

joesoap1977

La frog fairy wrote: »

I guess it depends in your case how did you find out the time she cheated on you before? did you had doubts and had a feeling she was or was it a out of the blue case?

best of luck to you

i had suspicions for a while. one day she went to work without her phone and i looked at her messages. there were a lot explicit texts and photos in the inbox and outbox.

Taltos

OP

based on your last reply this relationship is full of holes, so many that without immediate help it is sinking.

a) Historically she cheated - but have you both really moved on and learnt?
b) Appears she might be repeating... but this is not evidence yet.
c) Trust - you have none - and to me without trust why and I really mean this - WHY stay with the person?

Let her know that you are not feeling good about the relationship and want to know what is wrong...

Best of luck - I hope you are wrong, I hope you can both work it out - possibly with counselling - if not for the relationship - then maybe for you if you need to really get past what has happened in the past.

La frog fairy

ok well maybe then you talked and patched things up but really never went into why she did it or saw a councelor i take it.

it seems that deep down you never really got over it, the odl say forgive and forget but in your case subconsciously it has always been there; i dont blame you, i would be the same, its one thing to forgive but to forget its a different story.

I still suggest to talk with her, I dont think the snooping around and check on her is the way to go, at the end its not helping YOU, you need to talk with her and maybe both of you can see someone/. therapist of something because if you cant take her word for it then you never will and everything she does in the future out of the ordinary will drive you mental.

Think of you and how it makes you feel, if trust cant be there then your relationship is probably doomed.

in my opinion, once someone cheats it already is doomed.

LegacyUser

Your girlfriend cheated on you before. She should be bending over backwards to ensure that you have no reason to be suspicious. Meeting up with friends after working late *all without letting you know what's going on* is highly suspicious. Ask her harmless questions about the friends she met etc, if she's sketchy, you know she's up to something. If she immediately starts accusing her of not trusting her or starts getting defensive, you know she has something to hide.
If I cheated on my partner (I wouldn't!), and it was a true one off never to be repeated again experience, I would be bending over backwards to assure my partner that he could trust me. Her actions at the moment do nothing to assure you that you can trust her.

Elbi

joesoap1977 wrote: »

i had suspicions for a while. one day she went to work without her phone and i looked at her messages. there were a lot explicit texts and photos in the inbox and outbox.

Are you serious??

Did you confront her at the time? Im sorry but if you are cheating you dont leave your phone lying around unless you WANT to get caught.

My ex cheated on me andused to hide his phone the min he came home, not leave it lying around.

LegacyUser

It seems to me that there was never trust in the relationship. Why did you go through her phone in the first place? I agree that she should be bending over backwards to make you feel more secure in the relationship. Also, does she get paid overtime or get time in lieu for all these extra hours she's working?!

IrishEyes19

Elbi wrote: »

Are you serious??

Did you confront her at the time? Im sorry but if you are cheating you dont leave your phone lying around unless you WANT to get caught.

My ex cheated on me andused to hide his phone the min he came home, not leave it lying around.

Quite possibly she was rushing, Elbi and forgot it. Im sure it happens. But OP, you have to confront her. Tbh, cheat once, you'll do it again and if she was sending and receiving photos from this other guy, that sounds really awful too. I cant imagine she cares very much. I would suggest you bring it out in the open. Im sure she will lie to your face firstly, but Id never trust someone who cheats a second time around.

curlzy

Sorry if this has been thought of already, didn't read all the replies. Any chance you could surprise her by picking her up from work? If she's there YAY!!!, if not at the very least you know she's telling porkies.

LighterGuy

Ms Smith wrote: »

It seems to me that there was never trust in the relationship. Why did you go through her phone in the first place? I agree that she should be bending over backwards to make you feel more secure in the relationship. Also, does she get paid overtime or get time in lieu for all these extra hours she's working?!

Im sorry to disagree with you but give the guy a break.
Snooping will never ever be as bad as cheating. Thats a simple fact.
You could have one half cheating on their partner, the partner gets worried, looks at their phone and sees the truth... how on earth could snooping be worse that cheating? ... but this thread really isnt about snooping.

but in the original case. the op had just cause for snooping in her phone. "trust" doesnt come into play when a person is lying and cheating.

LighterGuy

joesoap1977 ,
sadly this is the nature of forgiving a cheater. It will raise issues up again.

However, I think you have more than enough information to be alarmed here. You just have to see whats going on. Due to her previous shortcomings you will have to check her story out.


You could drop in with a sandwich... but there is an easier way. Next time she is working late just ring the office. Ask for her. I would suggest not saying your name if asked. Create a name. Then you will get your answer.
If she comes to the phone, shes working late. Of course if shes not there. Shes cheating again.

LegacyUser

LighterGuy wrote: »

Im sorry to disagree with you but give the guy a break.
Snooping will never ever be as bad as cheating. Thats a simple fact.
You could have one half cheating on their partner, the partner gets worried, looks at their phone and sees the truth... how on earth could snooping be worse that cheating? ... but this thread really isnt about snooping.

but in the original case. the op had just cause for snooping in her phone. "trust" doesnt come into play when a person is lying and cheating.

I didn't mean to come across that way! Sorry OP if you read it that way too!!
I'm completely on the guy's side here. What I was trying to say was that the relationship doesn't appear to have been solid from the start. I was just wondering why he had initially gone through her phone, as in did he ever trust her? She doesn't sound like the kind of girl you could trust!

the gob

joesoap1977 wrote: »

The late working varies. at times it is 2 hours. but there have been a few times when it has been 4-5hours. and she has been meeting friends after work from time to time.

take a peak at her payslip and see is she being paid overtime
for these late nights
or
suggest an expensive night out with her paying with all this extra overtime money she has

LegacyUser

OP, I am on your side too, but unlike many of the other posters, I think you should give the girl a chance. Ask her why she has to work late so many nights before trying to catch her out with sandwiches and made-up names. If you have worked through your issues so far I'm sure you have been communicating well and she understands that you have trust issues. Just talk to her!

"is she cheating?"

Doesnt matter if she is or not. IF you are in a relationship where you feel like you need to ask, then you are in the wrong relationship.

Finding "the one" is not only about finding someone you yourself are mad about. That is too easy. It is also about finding the one where you do not even have to ask a question like that.

And yes, sometimes we find someone we feel like that about and we end up finding out they ARE cheating... but that is a different kettle, and thems different fish.

S23

random stranger wrote: »

OP, I am on your side too, but unlike many of the other posters, I think you should give the girl a chance. Ask her why she has to work late so manynights before trying to catch her out with sandwiches and made-up names. If you have worked through your issues so far I'm sure you have been communicating well and she understands that you have trust issues. Just talk to her!

To be fair the OP has been asked on numerous occasions if he has asked his OH why she has been working late etc (and if he thinks its a bit suspect)... and the OP has yet to respond on that definitively.

Also, as for not resorting to meeting her at her workplace and ringing to ask if she is at her job when she says she is. Well, having to do those things probably isn't the sign of a completely healthy realtionship. However, I don't think there is any argument agaisnt the fact that the relationship is not healthy.

It's not like he'd be wire tapping her phone or hiding in the shrubbery outside her house. Turning up at a place/Ringing a place that your girlfriend claims to be is hardly out of order. Or am I missing something?

As much as people say, oh you must trust her, and you must have gotten over it (previous cheating) or else your realtionship isn't proper/you have never let go, I think you are allowed be suspicious and want to know more.

You have reason not to trust her so a glimmer of doubt (in the wake of some out of sorts behaviour) is understandable. However, I think pursuing it by a non accusatory method is best.

LighterGuy

random stranger wrote: »

OP, I am on your side too, but unlike many of the other posters, I think you should give the girl a chance. Ask her why she has to work late so many nights before trying to catch her out with sandwiches and made-up names. If you have worked through your issues so far I'm sure you have been communicating well and she understands that you have trust issues. Just talk to her!

Seems you have good intentions. But not reality intentions... The sad fact of life is people will rarely be honest when they are doing something wrong such as cheating in this case.
99.9% of the time when asked in this situation, they will lie. So by asking. Its foolish. It would just be wising up a potential unfaithful partner that you are copping on.

Deleted User wrote: »

"is she cheating?"

Doesnt matter if she is or not. IF you are in a relationship where you feel like you need to ask, then you are in the wrong relationship.

Finding "the one" is not only about finding someone you yourself are mad about. That is too easy. It is also about finding the one where you do not even have to ask a question like that.

And yes, sometimes we find someone we feel like that about and we end up finding out they ARE cheating... but that is a different kettle, and thems different fish.

His girlfriend is showing usual signs of behavior eg working late, meeting up with old friends which is out of the usual pattern. Not to mention the past actions of cheating. The op surely loves this girl for continuing on after cheating.

The sad fact of life is that everyone is capable of cheating. It isnt just confined to "certain people"; Just because you are in a relationship doesnt mean you should trust your partner 110% when certain issues arise.

I find all this "if you have to ask" talk to be BS. You could be married to a girl and she could be cheating. The world is a harsh place mate.

S23

LighterGuy wrote: »

]

I find all this "if you have to ask" talk to be BS. You could be married to a girl and she could be cheating. The world is a harsh place mate.

Spot on. I'm all for giving chances and weighing up whats going on. This notion in this (and other) threads of 'if you even have to ask/if you even have doubts/if you even don't 100% trust your OH for 2 seconds' then your relationship isn't a proper one. Thats BS.

You're allowed have doubts and ask questions.

If you find anyone who mentioned "110%" then I would be glad to meet him and disagree with him with you. But it is not what I said and so I am not sure why you directed such disagreement at me.

Maybe if you re-read what I wrote you might understand it the second time around, because after reading your last post, we agree on more than you seem to know.

magneticimpulse

based on her history, yes

I am a friend

Well I know I have had more work on in certain weeks in the past few months. Why cant you telephone her at work when she is supposed to be working late?

In any event, if she has those texts in the phone there is something amiss. Why did you not confront her about those?

IMO, unless you have been in the position, its very hard for people to know how strassful it is when you suspect your OH is cheating. It nearly drove me mad and we started off in the relationship and he had 100% of my trust. Smal things happened and I became suspicious but was giving him the benefit of the doubt as thats what you do.. The toll on my health was terrible. If checking your partners phone helps alleviate some of the stress due to your suspicions then its not the end of the world. Unfortunately, most of the time, when you have suspicions and you got looking you normally find something..

estar

or ask her when she will be finished and arrive in to collect her unannounced.

or confide in her that you are feeling insecure, which is totally valid given the last experience and see if she tries to make you more secure - ie inviting you on the nights out to meet friends, which would only be manners?

i am working a lot of unplanned work at the moment as is everyone i work with and we dont get overtime. but then i am always contactable at my desk phone........

ted1

if you've to ask the question there is a problem be it trust issues or infeldities talk it over or bail your choice