Got a fright , am really shaken

LegacyUser

I just looking for opinions, any advice really appreciated.
I recently ended a relationship but am really shocked at the abuse I got at the end of it....I feel sort of stunned and finding it hard to get over the switch in the person to an ugly sort of monster.
Long story short this man had started to get more and more verbally abusive, over a few weeks..like he had had a personality transplant. At first he apologised but then he just got worse. Luckily he had not been around my child, as I share custody.
I dumped him but he insisted he meet me at my holiday home to talk...he had his child with him so I let the 2 kids play on the packed beach whilst we were talking. He got more and more worked up, his son kept complaining that my child wasn't "any fun" "was a mammy's boy" so I walked back up to my holiday home where other relatives were. They followed us up and then I asked the man if he was going home, he said could he talk to me for a minute in private, and I went into one of the rooms with him..he told me I had problems as a mother and then got right up in my face, grabbed me, shook me and slapped me before he called his child and sped off in his car......I just stood there stunned and could not talk for an hour.
I knew this man as a friend for 15 years prior to this ,and never saw this side. You would think he was just the nicest guy. All I can think off is A) what if my kid had seen this and how can I stop playing the images in my head over and over?
This man had left clothes at my house and wants them back..I have got late night texts from him saying how he is sorry it didn't work out due to my "spoilt child ruining his child's day", asking where am I and that I had better return his clothes. I told him I will give him his things back and that I want no trouble.. I am just shocked and feel stunned and shaky.
Anybody gone through this? Sorry for the novel!

Zen65

I am sorry to learn of your experience, it must have been frightening and horrific.

Regardless of how this man perceived your son, he cannot be excused for the violent behaviour towards you. You are well rid of him!

His son has possibly learned that aggressive behaviour is the norm, and perhaps when he found your son did not like rough activities he deemed him to be "no fun". Sadly the father's behaviours may have already affected that young kid's life expectations in a bad way.

Firstly, do not meet him when you return his things, or at any rate do not meet him alone. I suggest you leave them somewhere for him to collect, or drop them round to him accompanied by a friend.

Tell a friend or family member about what happened. It's important somebody knows the background to this. I would also suggest you report it to the Gardaí; they will almost certainly be unable to prosecute, but they could speak to him so that he knows the matter has been reported and will be less likely to try anything else with you (or anyone else). Clearly he has anger management issues, and maybe worse**.

If he has a key to your house, or holiday home then change the locks.

I don't mean to be overly dramatic, but it really is a minority of men who will physically attack a partner, and you need to be rid of him.

As for the "flashbacks" they fade in time. In time you see this from a more objective perspective, and you will be able to rationalise this. The guy was a pr**k and you had an unfortunate experience with him, but unlike "victim" personality types you acted straight away and got rid of him. You should take a moment to congratulate yourself for your actions. You could possibly help yourself by taking up a martial art (mainly as a confidence-building exercise ... you're not really going to be able to overpower a bigger man, but you can certainly feel more in control of the situation).


Be at peace,

Z

** I once lived in a town where a young girl was murdered. The Gardaí asked for information and a number of women in the town reported having been assaulted by the same man. It was the first time these stories had been reported. If any one of them had reported the issue to the Gardaí when it happened they may have been able to prevent the following assaults by simply interviewing the man so he would realise he could not act with impunity.

Neyite

that sounds terrible. at least now you know you did the right thing in dumping him.

dont answer any of his texts or calls. he assaulted you. this, you should take seriously. the slap you got was only the tip of the iceberg you would have endured if you stayed. make a report to the gardai of the abuse, and get a male friend to be at the house with you when you arrange for him to collect his things, give him every last thing you can find back. tell him you have reported the assault to the gardai and that he better stay away.

as for his opinion of you as a mother, you know he only said these things to hurt you. dont let it.

can you invite someone to stay with you for a few days until he gets the message?

Kevster

Hey,

Simply put: You must get this goon out of your life. he has issues that are not of your concern anymore. Might I suggest that you change your phone number and email address? it worked for me when I needed to get away from certain people. If you do'nt do that, then simply stop replying to his messages, no matter what he says in them. In fact, I do'nt recommend reading them at all.

If you feel that your security is under threat, then contact the police. People like him need to know/understand that their actions are disrespectful and intimidating.


kevin

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

Oh how awful for you, this is so traumatic, just dont feel bad about anything you have done, you have handled yourself with calm and dignity, because you are not used to destructive behaviour you may feel like you have done something wrong and been taken in by his manipulations! What an a$$hole, he must have been thinking if it ended bad with you that day he would get you on your own and end it is way with a slap, this has nothing to do with you.

All you have to do now is get rid of anything of his and any other things that he may want to contact you for, if he pushes you any further i would go to the police, anything further is continued harassment,

I know the incident will play in your head and the shameful feeling come up but that is what anyone would feel who was in your shoes, i have been there myself and the way i deal with that is just allow it to come up and say i acknowledge how i am feeling and i love and have compassion for myself as this was an awful thing to have happen me, just hug yourself and treat yourself like a precious little object until it passes, keep seeing that you are the strong person here and he is the weak one, your confidence may be knocked but just keep affirming that it is not you who owns the shame it is him, you identified that he was not right and broke away, he is angry at your power and strength and he wants to break you but you have not allowed this to happen, all of this is his and you can dump the responsibility right where it belong on his shoulders.

As for what he said about your child he is just jealous and resentful, of course he is going to put you down every which way he can because he cant control you, well done for getting away, time is a healer and it will pass. Lovelight xoxo

bohsboy

Give me his clothes and I'll give them back to him. Im serious.

Oryx

bohsboy wrote: »

Give me his clothes and I'll give them back to him. Im serious.

Bohsboy I know you mean well but please never ask anyone in the PI forum for individual contact of any kind.

Taltos

OP

please do the following in this order.
1. Pack the clothes in a bag.
2. Bring them to your local Garda station.
3. Report him for assault & ask them hold his clothes for collection.
4. In view of the garda - call him and inform him that they are in X station ready to be collected and to ask for Garda XYZ...

Do all the rest above - re locks / friends etc.

This guy is clearly not all there - be safe and don't ever agree to meet / talk to him again.

kylith

Good on you for ending this relationship, you're well rid of this thug. Many abusers appear charming at first and only let their darker side out later in the relationship. His tactic of trying to blame your child for 'ruining' the day is a standard part of an abusive person's technique of trying to make you feel guilty (how many abused wives have been made to feel that it's their fault, or that they somehow drive their partner to hitting them).

If possible arrange to leave his belongings with a third party so that you don't have to see him when he collects them. If this isn't possible make sure you have at least one other person with you, preferably large and male.

Definitely report the assault, even if you don't think the Gardaí will do anything about it they'll have it on record so that if (or more likely when) he's reported again they'll know that he has a history of violence.

If he has a key to your house change your locks. Even if he gives you back the key he may have made copies.

Don't reply to his texts, or if you do only reply once and make it clear in that that you do not wish to hear from him again. If necessary get onto your phone provider, they will be able to monitor any texts he sends, and can even block his number completely so he cannot call you.

Well done, and good luck for the future.

LegacyUser

OP this man assaulted you!

Definitely go to the guards with his clothes, as the poster above has said, and report the incident.

This man may do worse if he thinks he got away with that.

Good luck.

Chicago Chick

Taltos wrote: »

OP

please do the following in this order.
1. Pack the clothes in a bag.
2. Bring them to your local Garda station.
3. Report him for assault & ask them hold his clothes for collection.
4. In view of the garda - call him and inform him that they are in X station ready to be collected and to ask for Garda XYZ...

Do all the rest above - re locks / friends etc.

This guy is clearly not all there - be safe and don't ever agree to meet / talk to him again.

Good idea to bring the clothes there.


Have to say I agree with all of the above and would do exactly as Taltos stated if it was me. God forbid but you should report this incase he continues to harass you further. Sorry to hear you are going through this and best of luck for your future and having him out of it.

easynote

If you feel like you need someone to talk to face to face contact the women's aid helpline for your nearest refuge. I know you do not need to run away from this man but they can also help you in getting over the incident, and give advice on how to protect yourself from this man ever contacting you again, i.e. barring order or similar.

amdublin

I agree with the posters saying report to the guards. This is a decision you are going to have to make for yourself.

Some practical advice would be:
- His clothes etc - can you pass these to a mutual friend and ask them to pass them on. Or can you get someone to go with you to give them to him (and they give them to him, not you)

- Change your phone number. Request mutual friends that they do not give this to him/anyone. If he gets this number change it again.

- Change your locks if he has a key

LegacyUser

OP here: thanks for the kind replies and advice..it helps so much even just to say it on here.

To CompassionQueen : that feeling you were describing of shame was exactly how I felt, thank you for your words..and sorry for you having had to go through it too.

Just to update..I txted him and tried to act normal, said I would give back his things no problem , he sent several angry txts back, so I told him that I wanted no bother that a male friend of mine would be at the house to give him them back..and then I
I got another email saying that since I was moving on he would be dating others ..this was bizzare because it acted like it was a normal break-up..he made no mention of anything.

Got a drunken nasty txt at 1 am fri/sat night

Now I did I really stupid thing late last night when my brain was melted..I replied to his "normal" email and told him that I was hurt and upset . I did this as I am so angry at him but I am kicking myself now as he sent email back wanting to be friends as " a break up is so hard". He now thinks I am wanting him back!! So I emailed him saying I want no further contact and that it was a dysfunctional relationship, that we should both move on.

Hoping that is the end of it. I was a bit freaked and had trouble sleeping..it's the way he just never mentioned what happened that has freaked me....his email is acting like I am having a hard time over the split and no mention at all of abuse.
I have an appointment with a counsellor just to try to get my head around it as I keep catching myself feeling like I over reacted one minute and that is not good.
Thanks everyone for all the help

LegacyUser

ShakyWoman wrote: »

I just looking for opinions, any advice really appreciated.

he said could he talk to me for a minute in private, and I went into one of the rooms with him..he told me I had problems as a mother and then got right up in my face, grabbed me, shook me and slapped me before he called his child and sped off in his car......I just stood there stunned and could not talk for an hour.

I have got late night texts from him saying how he is sorry it didn't work out due to my "spoilt child ruining his child's day", asking where am I and that I had better return his clothes. I told him I will give him his things back and that I want no trouble.. I am just shocked and feel stunned and shaky.

That's an awful situation. You've done the right thing by dumping him.

Let him know he can collect his belongings at a local Garda station.

The guy assaulted you and now is threating you by text.

Report the incident (you don't have to prosecute even if you report and that way it will be recorded in case of any future issue). The Gardai will be discrete and professional in the matter.

Keep a log of threating texts and phone calls.

Really hope the situation gets resolved swiftly and cleanly. You need a clean break. There's no way I'd let your child anywhere near the guy.

LifesgoodwithLG

All the advice that I was thinking has already been given so Here's a hug from me to you Shakygirl,