Rowing constantly

Goldenegg

I am completely at my wits end with my mother. I'm 25 just bought a house an am due to get married in two years. Today, my mam and I had the most stupid of rows caused by my older brother which escalated into a much bigger row, in which my mother said my fiancé was a mean b*stard,who can't even pay for the disk parking on my road (he forgot his wallet once and I gave him 50cent). She said he is so mean that when we move intogether that he won't open his wallet for anything and let me pay for everything, (this completely untrue,he is the most generous guy i know,rarely let's me put my hand in my pocket,always bringing me away or getting suprises etc).

She then started to tell me that's it's well for some who are able to have the money to go out drinking and smoking,when her and my dad just have their pension to survive on and have to run a house on that money. We go out once a week,which I think we are perfectly entitled to,we work damn hard shift work,sometimes resulting in over 60 hour weeks and 6days on with 1day off.

She then proceeded to tell me everything she dislikes about him in which I said so you hate him so and that no matter who my brothers and sisters brought home to the house,they were never good enough. I was told I have a big mouth and to stop putting words in her mouth.

This went on and on and on and everyone was dragged into it including his mam
And dad. So I said that I should have done what I wanted to do in the first place and gone abroad,just the two of us to get married,but I decide against it because I was thinking of my
Mam and dad and I didn't want them to put their foot to my wedding.she said well I hope that applies to his parents,and I also won't be setting foot in your house,I want the money back that I gave towards your deposit.

I'm sorry for my spelling and grammar mistakes and for my rambling on. I just had to let this all out! I just don't know what to do anymore, lately this is becoming a common occurrence!

Oryx

Youve had some big changes in your life, and Id say the relationship with your mam has been affected by them, and is in a stormy stage of readjustment right now. Your leaving behind the mother/daughter way of relating and learning to interact in a new adult to adult way. Unfortunately neither of you seem to be finding it easy.

From reading your post, it sounds like a lot of ultimatums were thrown around, and you need to remind yourself not to stoop to that, its always hard to come back from. If you dont want to row with your mother, then just dont. If she attacks, then dont bite back, tell her you dont want to row or have bad feeling and youll discuss whatever it is when youre both calmer. She cant argue with someone who wont argue back.

Try not to be wounded by her comments. People can be horribly cruel when insecure or angry, dont take it to heart, its just venom.

If you find that being calm and not reacting is not working, you may just need to stay out of her way for a while, but still keeping the door open to her, so to speak.

astra2000

Hi op as someone who has a difficult mother I know where your coming from and it is so upsetting. I have learned that my mother has few boundaries when it comes to arguments and she will say anything no matter if it is hurtful or untrue. For my mother it started when we all had grown up and in my opinion she was no longer in control of anyone could this be true of your mother? Her own mother behaved the same way to her. I reached a turning point when one day she started a huge argument in front of my son who was very small I made up my mind that he would not see me carrying on the same way I had seen my mother and grandmother. Now I am not saying it is plain sailing But when I see she is in a mood I avoid my siblings do the same. or if we know she is going to go off on one we make our excuses and leave. It drives my husband and a couple of my siblings husbands mad the way she goes on and usually gets away with it but she is not going to change.
Now dont get me wrong she is not always like this she can be great fun very generous and caring but when she is in a mood she is unbearable. I have noticed that she does cop on if we avoid her for a while and is less likely to start again too soon.
My apologies for waffling on about my situation but it can be helpful to know you are not the only one whos mother behaves badly. I have been amazed by the amount of stories I have read on here with a similar vein!
Is there anyway you can speak with your dad about the row or any other family member? What do you normally do after a row will she contact you or always wait for you to give in. In my experience prolonging it will only make you feel worse it may be easier to give in and act like nothing ever happened (not ideal I know) than for this to fester.
You will probably get advice here about cutting ties etc but I wouldnt consider that to be good sometimes you just have to learn to live with difficult situations and you cant change other people. Best of luck try not to let this get you down.