Different levels of commitment

KittyMc

Can anyone offer me any advice on my problem? This is basically my story.
My partner and I have been together for 4 years, both in our 40's and both divorced with children. We do not live together but he does visit a lot. My children are 17 and 11 and he gets on with them when he calls but I don't want to put them through having someone move in, I feel I'm doing a good job raising them on my own and want to finish that job and make sure they both head off to college etc. He has an 8 year old son that he sees every second weekend and sometimes in between. In his head, our ideal life would be to merge the families and all live happily ever after but I feel I don't have the room for another child or full time relationship in my life, I'm quite happy seeing my boyfriend whenever he's not with his son, we go away on weekends, out to dinner, drinks, holidays etc and it's great having someone in my life but I'm not looking for the whole hog. ie marriage, moving in, etc. My first commitment is to my children and I put a lot into them. He's not so lucky with his son as his ex wife is a recovering alcoholic who doesn't have much time for her little boy and I think he feels the boy would benefit from the type of mothering I do......but been there done that. He has now given me an ultimatum though, he said unless I accept his son into my life then our relationship is over.........so that's what it is now...over. I'm really sad to see the end of it, I had thought all along that maybe in 8 or 9 years when most of our responsibilities were behind us we could have a really good life together. I would like to know if people think it's me being unfair?

Ickle Magoo

I think you were both in different places and wanting different things. On one hand I can appreciate that he saw you not wanting to play a bigger role in his son's life as a rejection that a vulnerable child that's been through a lot could well do without - and I don't think many people would appreciate being put on the long finger for the best part of a decade.

I can also understand that you don't want a husband and child package and just wanted the companionship of your boyfriend but I do think it's entirely unrealistic to keep to that arrangement if he wants more from a relationship. It's sad that he resorted to giving ultimatums but perhaps he felt he had little choice and the rejection of him and his child as a package was a deal breaker?

All the best.

Chicago Chick

To me it strikes me that you are a lot more content with your life than he is and maybe slighly more of a realist. You do have to do what is right for you and if you are happy with your lifestyle as it is, and your children are happy then that has to be your main priority. Your partner on the other hand may be envious (not in a bad way) of the relationship you and your kids have and could be trying to form a similar type of structured and comforting family environment for his own son which is very good of him but if you are not happy to be part of this (which you are not obligated too) then he could see this as not wanting his son in your life ever, even later in life.

Is there anywhere you could meet on this issue if you still want to be with him. Could you involve his son in some general activities occasionally or is this a no no for you altogether? I would not be pushed into anything though.

La frog fairy

i will slightly disagree with the previous poster..

I have never given ultimatum, however, i know that usually someone resort to this after multiple attempt to get a response to a problem or issue and never get a clear answer.

You knew when you got involved with him, 4 years ago, that he had a young son, a 4 years old kid.
Im guessing as you are both in your 40s and with children that you must have had this discussion fairly soon into the relationship, aka you wanting to stay a single parent and live on your own and him having issues with his ex being alcoholic and being a parent to a young child and wanting a full house family situation.

So my answer is yes, you maybe were to some degree unfair and you should of stated your choices early and make it clear it would be that way for the next 15 years and not be possibly evasive (from the first year you sarted dating) as from where i stand, for him to give you an ultimatum means that he thought there was a chance it would change, probably encouraged or not by you.

I would compare this to a guy and girl getting into a relationship both wanting children down the line and as the time goes by the girl keep asking the guy when could then start a family and after 4 years he tells her he doesnt want any.

You see my point?

Im not trying to be harsh here but I feel that maybe 4 years was a long time not to have come to this decision and get invloved, even just a little, into this young boys life to then be gone.

KittyMc

Thanks for your reply.

I did actually tell him from day one that it was never an option for me to either have more children or take on any children, my children have some contact with their own father so don't need the complications of another one. It has come up in conversation often throughout the relationship and I have never lied to him but he said that he always hoped I'd change my mind or soften so really it is him that has carried on a relationship for four years on the hope that I would change my mind. I do love him and I know he loves me but it's not enough and I do respect him for wanting the best for his son, it's only natural.............I'm just not the person to give the best. I'm not the most child friendly person in the world.....except for my own of course, who I would do anything for.

KittyMc

I think you are so right in what you say, I know he looks at my kids and sees the love and attention they get and it is understandable that he would want that for his own but I suppose at the same time, I cannot be responsible for someone else's neglect. I do encourage my bf to do lots of things with his son and give him ideas and advice on parenting. I have in the past engaged in one or two things with them but as soon as I did my bf used to push it then that we meet up everytime he had his son and I would have to back off again. I have tried to explain in the nicest way possible that I love him and want a future with him but that I have a job to do first and I really don't consider myself "free" until my children are standing on their own two feet.

Chicago Chick wrote: »

To me it strikes me that you are a lot more content with your life than he is and maybe slighly more of a realist. You do have to do what is right for you and if you are happy with your lifestyle as it is, and your children are happy then that has to be your main priority. Your partner on the other hand may be envious (not in a bad way) of the relationship you and your kids have and could be trying to form a similar type of structured and comforting family environment for his own son which is very good of him but if you are not happy to be part of this (which you are not obligated too) then he could see this as not wanting his son in your life ever, even later in life.

Is there anywhere you could meet on this issue if you still want to be with him. Could you involve his son in some general activities occasionally or is this a no no for you altogether? I would not be pushed into anything though.

La frog fairy

KittyMc wrote: »

he said that he always hoped I'd change my mind or soften so really it is him that has carried on a relationship for four years on the hope that I would change my mind. I do love him and I know he loves me but it's not enough and I do respect him for wanting the best for his son, it's only natural.............I'm just not the person to give the best. I'm not the most child friendly person in the world.....except for my own of course, who I would do anything for.

Right there, if you knew that from day one then you shouldnt have got involved in the first place.

If you are not a child person then don't get involve with a guy who have children.
I really feel bad for him, you sound very selfish to be honest, he was naive to think you would soften and change but YOU knew all along that you would never change.

Loving someone is loving everything about them, sure theres the little things here and there we dont like but his child was part of the package, you knew what it would involved early on and for you to say that you are not a child person then yes it makes you selfish and sorry to say a bit heartless to still went on all that time.

Do him a favour and let him move on, im sure he will end up meeting someone who wants the same thing and be part of his child's life without leading on for 4 years.

KittyMc

You can't help who you fall in love with, I didn't go out looking for a guy with or without a child, I actually spent 8 months telling this guy to leave me alone as the relationship would never work because of the situation but he didn't agree, he thought as he only had his child every second weekend then we could work around that and that we loved each other enough to get through it. And I didn't know what it would involve from the start, I have 2 children and don't need anyone elses input or involvement in their lives. I have ended this relationship 3 times in the past because of it but he's always talked me round. Obviously it came to a head recently where he thought he couldn't do it anymore. I didn't lead him on for 4 years, I was upfront and honest from the start and I told him it was his choice then, he chose to continue with the relationship, seeing each other in between his visits. I have no problem letting him move on as I cannot give him what he wants and I agree, I hope he actually finds someone that will accept him and his son as a package but don't be so judgemental.......not everyone loves children, I love my own and to me that's the most important thing.

La frog fairy wrote: »

Right there, if you knew that from day one then you shouldnt have got involved in the first place.

If you are not a child person then don't get involve with a guy who have children.
I really feel bad for him, you sound very selfish to be honest, he was naive to think you would soften and change but YOU knew all along that you would never change.

Loving someone is loving everything about them, sure theres the little things here and there we dont like but his child was part of the package, you knew what it would involved early on and for you to say that you are not a child person then yes it makes you selfish and sorry to say a bit heartless to still went on all that time.

Do him a favour and let him move on, im sure he will end up meeting someone who wants the same thing and be part of his child's life without leading on for 4 years.

La frog fairy

KittyMc wrote: »

. I have ended this relationship 3 times in the past because of it but he's always talked me round. Obviously it came to a head recently where he thought he couldn't do it anymore. I didn't lead him on for 4 years, I was upfront and honest from the start and I told him it was his choice then.

The you should of never get back to him all these times you have broken up, you're a grown woman and sure we dont chose who we fall in love with but sure after you said you broke up with him 3 times over this and yet still managed to get get yourself back to him because HE talked to you around it thats unfair, you are putting the blame on him for you getting back with him each time.

If you truly had love him you would of let him go after the first break up to find what he wanted with someone else and not tell him to hang on that you kids are in college. Thats selfish and you are clearly oblivious on the whole thing.

Listen, im not trying to have a go at you, you are absolutely right to what you believe in and to be only caring about your children and im sure you are a great mom for it but the min you get involved with someone and especialy after 4 years then you are involved with the child especialy at such a young age.

im sure you learned your lesson for the next relationship.

best of luck

Nevyn

If you were clear and up front that you didn't want to get into a blended family situation then he should not have tried to talk you around.

How would things change if he was to have main custody of his son?
Does he want main custody of his son?
Is he afriad unless he has another home with a mother in situ that it would not happen?

I would not honestly want to end up mothering a child younger then my two are,
sounds like you need to be firm with him and he needs to learn he can't make you do what he wants.

astra2000

KittyMc wrote: »

You can't help who you fall in love with, I didn't go out looking for a guy with or without a child, I actually spent 8 months telling this guy to leave me alone as the relationship would never work because of the situation but he didn't agree, he thought as he only had his child every second weekend then we could work around that and that we loved each other enough to get through it. And I didn't know what it would involve from the start, I have 2 children and don't need anyone elses input or involvement in their lives. I have ended this relationship 3 times in the past because of it but he's always talked me round. Obviously it came to a head recently where he thought he couldn't do it anymore. I didn't lead him on for 4 years, I was upfront and honest from the start and I told him it was his choice then, he chose to continue with the relationship, seeing each other in between his visits. I have no problem letting him move on as I cannot give him what he wants and I agree, I hope he actually finds someone that will accept him and his son as a package but don't be so judgemental.......not everyone loves children, I love my own and to me that's the most important thing.

Both you and your ex are putting your children first and this is the right thing to do. I think you need to accept that your are not going to be with this man and it is not anyones fault just circumstances.It sounds like you have been upfront and honest with him and that he has been the same with you and that you both have really tried to make it work but for now your children have to come first. sometimes love just isnt enough and that does not make either of you bad people I dont think it is selfish to put your children first, actually quiet the opposite you are sacraficing your personal happiness for them and I am sure this is not easy.

astra2000

La frog fairy wrote: »

The you should of never get back to him all these times you have broken up, you're a grown woman and sure we dont chose who we fall in love with but sure after you said you broke up with him 3 times over this and yet still managed to get get yourself back to him because HE talked to you around it thats unfair, you are putting the blame on him for you getting back with him each time.

If you truly had love him you would of let him go after the first break up to find what he wanted with someone else and not tell him to hang on that you kids are in college. Thats selfish and you are clearly oblivious on the whole aly at such a young age.

Could the same not be said about her partner though? If he had truly loved her would he not have respected her wishes and stayed away?
II think situations like this are not as black and white as they seem, they are just two people who love each other but have bigger responsibilities than their own personal happiness.

How Strange

Op you sound like a very pragmatic woman and a good mother to your kids. It's commendable that you put them first.

It seems that your oh wants a replacement mother for his son which is unfair on you. You can't be expected to fulfill that role for someone else especially if you've always been upfront and honest with him.

It's sad that the relationship must end because you both want different
things but that's a common problem in a lot of relationships.

He feels he needs to find a new mum for his son and you're not looking for a
new dad for your two.

I guess on that basis your relationship has just run it's course.

La frog fairy

sure it is on his part too astra2000, but he obviously had the desire to get involved with her children and wanted her in his.
Sure she is entitled not to want to get him involved with her children or her to his, but he wanted the whole happy family together from what it seems, so yes he could of back off but in the end she broke up with him 3 times and everytime she got back with him that gave him the hope that she will change...thats where its wrong and selfish.

I never said selfish about her wanting to put her children first, thats is honorable to put yourself 2nd after your children obviously, it was selfish to get back with him 3 times and let him hope clearly there was a chance.

As i said, you dont give ultimatum unless you have been led on that maybe theres a chance.

Nevyn

La frog fairy your posts are argumentative, presumptive and not helpful to KittyMc.
Do not persist in blame storming, I suggest you re read the rules for posting in this forum.