Overthinking

LegacyUser

Right,

I may come across as an arrogant s.o.b. here but since its unregistered, and for want of a better way of putting things, please excuse me.

So I can't seem to get anywhere with the ladies I want. I am good looking guy. I've been told that enough times by people that I know it is true. I used to not believe it and I hated the way I looked, but now I am accepting my looks more and more and I'm starting to like the how I look.

I'm not saying I never get with any girls when I'm out but, more often than not, it's the girl who makes the 1st move or she comes onto me and if I'm utterly wasted, I get with her. If I'm sober, I run for the hills scared out of my mind. If I see a girl who I find attractive, I can't chat her up. I may say something stupid or smile and then...that's it. I won't do anything more than that.

Sometimes, I can see it from the girl's perspective. If I was her, there's no way in hell that I would hook up with someone who was nervous, fidgety, wouldn't make eye contact with me and barely said a word to me. Sometimes it seems so easy what to say to "close the deal" but when I'm faced with an intimidatingly attractive girl in front of my face, I freeze.

Other times, when I do start talking, conversation is too banal. There's no innuendo, it's not charged like I'd expect it to be. It's me being too nice and avoiding speaking of anything rude or sexual in case I might freak her out or offend her. Stupid I know but I'm doing it before I realise it.

I'm also jumping the gun here. I don't even know how to approach a girl sometimes. If she's in a group of friends all night, what do I do? I don't want to be that creep who grabs her from behind on the dancefloor or the strange guy following her around all night. I suppose I'm too afraid of rejection, too self-conscious about everything. I don't want her friends calling me a creep or whatever. I know enough Irish girls to know that this does happen anytime someone tries to chat them up - "OMG get him away from me" or I'm being asked to "save them from this guy" or "he's sucha creep". I mean, give the guy a chance - at least he has the balls to do it.

The only time I can chat up a girl confidently is when I've had a couple of drinks. I don't need to be smashed but I need to be a bit tipsy. I know there's nothing worse than a drunk guy complimenting you either.

I have this view that I should get the best girls but I don't want to do the hard work. As if they should come crawling to me...but then, if they did that, I know I would be turned off by them and wouldn't think too much of them. I hate the chase but I need the chase. I desperately want to get with some of these girls, and if they show an interest I get scared out of my wits.

I've actually run away from a girl who wanted to sleep with me. Don't ask me why but it's happened. I've had girls basically asking me to kiss them and I've not done anything.

Talk about contradictory...

LegacyUser

inmyhead wrote: »

Other times, when I do start talking, conversation is too banal. There's no innuendo, it's not charged like I'd expect it to be. It's me being too nice and avoiding speaking of anything rude or sexual in case I might freak her out or offend her. Stupid I know but I'm doing it before I realise it.

God forbid you could just talk to a girl without talking about sex right off the bat.

inmyhead wrote: »

II know enough Irish girls to know that this does happen anytime someone tries to chat them up - "OMG get him away from me" or I'm being asked to "save them from this guy" or "he's sucha creep". I mean, give the guy a chance - at least he has the balls to do it.

And is sleazy or rude or won't take no for an answer... guys who've been given 'balls' by booze quite often are really, really creepy.

Comes across as the only reason you see to talk to girls is to hook up - thinking of girls as, y'know, actual people might make them a little less intimidating for you.

Ickle Magoo

OP, you're entire post concentrates on "hooking up" and "closing the deal" and "desperately want to get with" - now girls can sniff desperation a country mile away and believe me, there is nothing less attractive than a guy who is only barely holding a conversation but has nothing but scoring on his mind.

Perhaps get to know girls, get comfortable in their company because your post makes you sound very young and inexperienced, talking about girls like they are some alien species. Perhaps when you have a bit more experience under your belt you'll have both the will and confidence to ask someone that you fancy out?

You are right in some ways, drunk guys, guys who have no banter but have convinced themselves with a load of dutch courage that they are all that and won't take no for an answer can be quite creepy and unattractive and let's face it, girls don't owe the guy anything for approaching them, it's entirely his choice and often not with very honourable motives - you can hardly blame them, really.

Best of luck.

liah

There is absolutely no bigger turn off than a desperate man.

And for me personally, no bigger turn off than a man who's only goal is sex. It comes across as so.. well, pathetic.

How about putting your overthinking to slightly better use, OP? Try improving yourself as a person overall and completely drop the focus on "getting the girl" (we're not trophies..). Everything falls into place once you build up genuine self-confidence and stop focusing so much on the goal of getting a girl. Chances are, the moment you forget about it, you'll have girls all over you.

Overthinking is only a bad thing if you focus on something negative. Focus on why you feel that "getting a girl" is such a massive deal to you. Try and play with the idea that women are people, and not just things to be had. Once you're able to have a conversation with an attractive girl without the ultimate goal being sex-- insofar that you're genuinely enjoying the company and conversation of another human being-- you're far more likely to find what you're looking for.

baby and crumble

I think there's 3 main issues you need to look at.

1) You're overconfident about your looks and how far they'll get you:

I have this view that I should get the best girls but I don't want to do the hard work. As if they should come crawling to me...

2) You're underconfident in your personality:

Other times, when I do start talking, conversation is too banal. There's no innuendo, it's not charged like I'd expect it to be. It's me being too nice and avoiding speaking of anything rude or sexual in case I might freak her out or offend her. Stupid I know but I'm doing it before I realise it... I suppose I'm too afraid of rejection, too self-conscious about everything....

3) You're focussing on sex waaaaaaaay too much.

All of your language is around hooking up, scoring, closing the deal (what a cringeworthy phrase!), having sex... you need to chill out and stop trying to focus on getting your end away. Like other posters have said, women smell desperation a mile off, and a horny guy who freaks out unless they're drunk is not what women want. At all.

My advice to you would be to go out a few nights just to have fun, and not to score, or even to talk to a girl. Just relax, hang out with mates and chill. Only have 1 or 2 drinks. Maybe even watch how other guys talk to girls they like. It's not all about pawing them like you were 17 or 18.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

OK, so maybe I should have proof read that a bit before I posted it.....This wasn't supposed to be a thread about me wanting to become some player who picks up every girl he wants to. I'm looking for advice on what to do when I do meet someone who I like. I don't know why I didn't state that before at all.

For the record, I also detest the term "closing the deal" but I was tired at the time I posted that (around 1.30 am) and I couldn't think of a better phrase without repeating myself.

It's hard to convey emotions in text, but I would not say I'm overconfident in my looks at all. It's taken me very long to accept the way I look and I suppose, in a way, I still am - hence the overstatement. You know the way people tell you to say "you're great" 10 times a day while looking in the mirror or something similar? I decided that I might as well do that re my looks as not too long ago I thought of myself as quite ugly. So I added in that sentence - every little helps they say and all that...

Regarding the conversation being banal, I meant that when it's clear that I find a girl who I like and it gets to the point where conversation ends and it's clear that I should make a move or lose my chance, I just don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. I don't know how to act. Should I ask her if I can kiss her? Or should I just do it? Should I ask her to go outside? Or should I just hold her hand or...?

inmyhead wrote: »

Other times, when I do start talking, conversation is too banal. There's no innuendo, it's not charged like I'd expect it to be. It's me being too nice and avoiding speaking of anything rude or sexual in case I might freak her out or offend her. Stupid I know but I'm doing it before I realise it.

Having re-read that paragraph, I really don't know how you were supposed to deduce what I meant from that. I don't think I communicated my point very well at all there. Or anywhere in that post tbh.

liah wrote: »

Focus on why you feel that "getting a girl" is such a massive deal to you. Try and play with the idea that women are people, and not just things to be had.

I wouldn't say that getting a girl is a massive deal to me at all. I don't base my nights around trying to get with every girl in a 5 mile radius. Not in the slightest. However, I have noticed that sometimes I can be cold to other peoples feelings which I'm trying to rectify myself. I don't know why I am but it generally seems to me that when someone shows an interest, I automatically assume they're messing me around and they're...heartless for want of a better word. I know it's stupid and as I said, I'm trying to fix this.

anon7890 wrote: »

Comes across as the only reason you see to talk to girls is to hook up - thinking of girls as, y'know, actual people might make them a little less intimidating for you.

It's not that I don't think of them as actual people, of course I do. I mean in a nightclub situation, you don't go out to make friends in fairness do you? I don't think I've ever made a friend by bumping into someone in a club.

I'm not one to fall for a girl based on looks alone but I have to admit, looks play a huge part in my initial attraction to a girl. Maybe I'm cynical but 9 out of 10 guys will strike up a conversation with a girl mainly because they find her attractive. You don't see the most attractive girls being chatted up for their personality now do you? In fact, a fair number of beautiful Irish girls seem to think they're allowed to be utter bitches because they're attractive. I know quite a few very pretty Irish girls who are nice and friendly as they are stunningly attractive but still, enough are bitches to keep me cynical.


Again, I really should have re read that before posting.

Thanks for all the replies.

LegacyUser

You really are think a whole lot about this OP!!!! Around what age are you if you don't mind me asking? You need to get a bit more confidence, and a bit more experience and the lassies will flock around you!!! Were you in a relationship with the girl who wanted to sleep with you? What happened with her, why run away when she wanted you?

baby and crumble

Thanks for clarifying some of your problems OP, I think you'll get better advice now! You did sound ever so slightly obnoxious in your first post. You sound much nicer now!

It can be difficult to know what to do, when. I know anytime I've been in this situation with a girl, the best thing to do is keep waiting until it's really obvious that kissing should happen. You know that moment where you think 'right, i'm gonna go for it'? Wait a few more seconds. Then if the atmosphere is still there, make a tiny move in to the girls personal space. Now, I'm not saying jump on her, just a small move towards her. Very often at that point she'll do the same and then it'll just happen. You could ask her if you can kiss her, because that can be quite sweet if it's done the right way, but only for certain girls. Or that moment might be a good moment to ask her would she like to meet up another time when it's quieter? Then bang, you've got yourself a date that you can prepare for.

As for being confident in yourself, I think it's great that you're taking control of that, well done. I know I always feel like a berk doing those affirmation things! They key is now to start doing the same thing with your personality. You seem like a decent bloke, that just needs more confidence and to realise that women aren't an alien species, that need to be handled a certain way. We're just people, who like conversation and chat. You know?

IrishEyes19

Actually is the part where the OP says "I have this idea I should get the best girls," that annoys me.

THE BEST GIRLS........so what we're talking about looks here or personality, Im assuming looks, because if you cant talk to girls, we're clearly focusing in on personality.

OP, step back and look at all girls, I can promise you the most decent looking to the absolute stunners all have something unique about them, that doesnt have to boil down to, which one you can have a better chance of "hooking" up with. At this stage its boring reading threads about ppl complaining that they cant hook up with girls/guys because they dont have the confidence to talk to them.
The whole emphasis on the vast majority of these threads being on hooking up, scoring and so on.

Why isnt it working? Because girls can smell the want of you a mile off, the need for a hook up is like a light over your head. If you approach a girl with that intent and she's anyway half decent, she wont give you a glance because no girl wants to be a notch on a desperate guys bed or a confident guy for that matter. Most girls want to meet someone nice and be respected for the most part.

Try going out to have a laugh some night and actually talk to a girl for the sake of talking. Results may vary, but if she feels comfortable that you arent just trying to take her home that night, she might just reply to your call the next day and so on.

And if the vast majority of stunning girls in your opinion are b***** because they know they are attractive, stop going after them. However, Ive always gone by the rule, you will be treated the way you allow yourself to be treated. Someone acts like that towards me, off with them. You don't run after someone to be slapped in the face by them and their bad attitude.

LegacyUser

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

Actually is the part where the OP says "I have this idea I should get the best girls," that annoys me.

THE BEST GIRLS........so what we're talking about looks here or personality, Im assuming looks, because if you cant talk to girls, we're clearly focusing in on personality.

I mean a mix of personality and looks - I'm not going to go out with someone gorgeous but is less talkative than a plank of wood. At the same time though, I'm not going to go out with someone who is very friendly if I'm in no way physically attracted to them. It has to be a mix of looks and personality to me. Not necessarily a particular ratio but there has to be some physical attraction there. I'm sure I'm not the only person who thinks that way too.

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

Try going out to have a laugh some night and actually talk to a girl for the sake of talking. Results may vary, but if she feels comfortable that you arent just trying to take her home that night, she might just reply to your call the next day and so on.

I do. All the time as a matter of fact. I may think "I'd like to meet someone tonight" on occasion but it is never the sole reason for me to go out. I go out with friends (majority of which are guys) to have fun with them.

The main point I'm trying to make in that jumble of a 1st post was that I can never seem to act on signals or hints. Either I miss them altogether or I get scared and ignore them. Then I spend hours later kicking myself thinking "why didn't I do that??". I then vow to never let it happen again and then hey presto! next time it's the same thing.

I was recently involved with a fantastic girl (with an amazing personality too;)) who was very, very close to me and the amount of times I hesitated and the moment was lost beggars belief. I was too shy, too afraid of being told to stop or being asked what I was trying to do that I didn't even try do anything. I had some great times with her but I'm also full of regret that I didn't make the most of them. It ended for reasons I don't want to get into but it could never have continued.

Unregistered wrote: »

Around what age are you if you don't mind me asking? You need to get a bit more confidence, and a bit more experience and the lassies will flock around you!!!

I'm nearly 21 actually - so not that old, even though I sometimes think I'm acting like I'm 16 or 17 years old about everything.

Unregistered wrote: »

What happened with her, why run away when she wanted you?

I don't really want to get into it but I freaked out basically. Stupid I know but I got scared really. And no, it's not the same girl as above.

Thanks again.