Feel so judged

LegacyUser

Going anon for this one.... I have been dating my gf for a few months now and she has told me that she does not believe in sex before marraige and she is waiting until then. For me this is not a problem as I really do like her and well I am willing to see where things go. I however have no such beliefs and had my fun in college but upon telling her that I wasn't a virgin (although I did not add furhter to that) she seemed very upset with me and didn't speak to me for a few days. Now things feel different somehow and she acts kinda distantly and I feel like she has judged me in a not so good light.... if I can understand and respect her side of things without judging her then why can't she do the same for me?

Not sure what I should do?

beks101

Your girlfriend seems extremely narrow-minded OP.

Her beliefs and choices are to be respected, but I'm at a loss as to how she has become so naive to the world around her and she is acting utterly immature to be guilting you over what is commonplace among most young people these days.

Fair play to you for accepting her choices and all that but you're going to have to sit down and have a proper conversation with her about where you stand on the sex thing, what it means to you and how her judgement is impacting on you. If you don't it will impact your relationship down the line and she'll use your past to hang you out to dry whenever she so chooses.

LighterGuy

Hmmmm,
Juding from her reaction, also her beliefs, its sounding like she is a virgin.
Which one could see why she holds certain beliefs. Albeit, foolish I think in this day in age. But none the less.

If she is not a virgin,
and getting upset that you are not? and also willing to wait for marriage?
I would walk in that case. That would be major alarm bells. Thats in the zone of she is not willing to sleep with you until she is actually sure about you. But she is currently dating you.


Many a girl has used beliefs as a smoke screen to cover the real reasons op. So, question is... is she really a virgin?

Also how old are you and her?

fungun

Id talk to her about it. If she is a virgin and saving herself for marriage she was probably hoping you would be too so I could understand her disappointment, even if I would consider it a bit unreasonable. She may have had this idea of her and a man having a special wedding night together that they had never shared with anyone else......and now she has to either choose to follow that dream or choose you.
If you are willing to wait this out and be with her forever Id be patient with her....but Id ask her is she ok and tell her how you are feeling.

LegacyUser

fungun wrote: »

Id talk to her about it. If she is a virgin and saving herself for marriage she was probably hoping you would be too so I could understand her disappointment, even if I would consider it a bit unreasonable. She may have had this idea of her and a man having a special wedding night together that they had never shared with anyone else......and now she has to either choose to follow that dream or choose you.
If you are willing to wait this out and be with her forever Id be patient with her....but Id ask her is she ok and tell her how you are feeling.

Thanks everyone for the advice. I am going to talk to her and see how she feels about us etc.... Just to add a bit of background to the story, I am 23 and she is 25 and she says she is a virgin. She has been in a lot (a lot!) more relationships then I have but I will trust that she is being honest with me (not that it would matter if she wasn't). Anyways, lately she has been saying weird stuff to me (since she found out I wasn't a virgin) like "I am in lust with her and not in love" etc and she then has acted distant.... My response to this remark is that it is both lust and love that I feel for her (said in a playful manner) but I am not sure if that response is the right one to give because I don't know how to fix what I don't understand (i.e. the feeling of distance between us now and feeling judged).

28064212

feel so judged wrote: »

Anyways, lately she has been saying weird stuff to me (since she found out I wasn't a virgin) like "I am in lust with her and not in love" etc and she then has acted distant.... My response to this remark is that it is both lust and love that I feel for her (said in a playful manner)

The next time she says something like that, don't just pass it off. Use it as an opportunity to bring up the issue. If a girlfriend of mine that I was intending to marry told me that I wasn't in love with her, I wouldn't be long setting her straight. Ask her why she thinks that, and why she's with you if she thinks that. Make sure she actually gives you answers, not meaningless platitudes. Ask her if you not being a virgin is a problem for her. If it is, find out whether it's something she can actually get around. If she can't, you aren't meant to be together and you may as well break up to save yourselves some time.

Personally, I wouldn't be involved with someone who would need to be married before having sex. I have no problem with someone wanting to wait, but I'm not going to make a massive committment to someone when I have no idea whether we're compatible in a fundamentally important area of a relationship. It would be like refusing to discuss your views on kids until after you're married

fungun

if her feeling stems from religion then its worth noting that even the catholic marriage courses discuss the necessity of friendship, lust and love in a functioning reln....and you have to have all 3 in some shape or form.
i think your response sounds mature and appropriate.

However have been in the same situation...ask yourself are you really willing to wait? U prob feel like you can talk her around over time...and if you do then you could be in for a lot of disappointment....

Chicago Chick

You should try to sort this out with her sooner rather than later. While she should be respected for her choices she should not make you feel ashamed of yours. If you are prepared to wait until you get married to have sex with her (if you get married that is, don't want to presume) then fair play to you and her, it is your decision together but she should not feel she has the right to make you feel ashamed for having sex with anyone before you got together.

Taltos

OP - I recommend you try to discuss this and resolve it sooner rather than later. The more you leave it unanswered the possibility is that she will withdraw more emotionally from you.

Best of luck.

LighterGuy

I think that you have to get to the root to why she wants to wait...

is it because she is a virgin, or she holds such religious beliefs. If its nither I would walk. It would then be a classic example of a girl in a "relationship" and unsure weather to sleep with her "boyfriend"

Pretty much the issue if she is a virgin or not. If she has already had sex and expecting you to wait - you're not really her boyfriend. Your being used.

Chuchoter

Your girlfriend is weird and is you're wasting your time. Get a new one. You don't want to get married to her or raise kids, can you IMAGINE how conservative she will be? Unless you agree with her on everything for the rest of your life she'll never be happy. Cut your losses, man.

28064212

crayolastereo wrote: »

Your girlfriend is weird and is you're wasting your time. Get a new one. You don't want to get married to her or raise kids, can you IMAGINE how conservative she will be? Unless you agree with her on everything for the rest of your life she'll never be happy. Cut your losses, man.

None of her described actions says she'll be ultra-conservative, or that she'll force her views on her kids, or that he must agree on everything with her. He has already said he's willing to wait until she's ready. She is not 'weird', she's just outside the norm

Chuchoter

28064212 wrote: »

None of her described actions says she'll be ultra-conservative, or that she'll force her views on her kids, or that he must agree on everything with her. He has already said he's willing to wait until she's ready. She is not 'weird', she's just outside the norm

The fact that she's doing the largely ultra christian/catholic thing of waiting until marriage would suggest to me that she is ultra conservative

28064212

crayolastereo wrote: »

The fact that she's doing the largely ultra christian/catholic thing of waiting until marriage would suggest to me that she is ultra conservative

No, it suggests that she wants to wait for marriage and that's it. The OP has given one piece of information about his OH, that's all. Extrapolating on it is pointless. Even if it is a religious thing, it does not mean that she is religious or conservative in other areas of her life. Making assumptions after finding out one thing about her life is the equivalent of assuming a lesbian is a butch, man-hating feminazi.

Also, the OP has already said that he is happy with her and is fine with waiting, so I don't see the relevance. The issue is the possibility of him being judged, nothing to do with her wanting to wait

LegacyUser

Had the "talk" with my OH tonight and she eventually dropped the bombshell. Apparently she is not a virgin at all but has only slept with a guy once and it was when she was pretty drunk. She said it was horrible experience and she really regreted it afterwards. She had always wanted to wait until marriage and that time was a mistake and that's why she is waiting until she gets married now. In part I think it was this experience that made her come to this decision but I know she hold religious view about it to, which I understand and respect. During our conversation she was adament in know how many girls I slept with and who they were but I told her that it did not matter which only seemed to upset her more.

Also, forgive me if this is off topic but since the word conservative was used I feel I should point out that in some regards she is. For example, I am good friends with a girl from my college days who is "out" and proud of it. I would be good friends with this girl (and proud/grateful to be so because she is such a goodhearted person) and have been friends with her for quite some time. However, upon hearing that this girl prefers the company of other girls to that of men my OH acts like this girl is completely amoral (her words)... this has caused friction between us before because I think my OH is being judgemental and I have asked her to refrain from judging my friend without even knowing her.

Now, I am not trying to paint my OH ina bad light because we all have our flaws and I do feel that I am in love with her but now that she told me she is not a virgin I feel she does not have the right to be so judgemental towards me or others. (though I still respect her beliefs about no premarital sex)

Taltos

Feel so judged wrote: »

Had the "talk" with my OH tonight and she eventually dropped the bombshell. Apparently she is not a virgin at all but has only slept with a guy once and it was when she was pretty drunk. She said it was horrible experience and she really regreted it afterwards. She had always wanted to wait until marriage and that time was a mistake and that's why she is waiting until she gets married now. In part I think it was this experience that made her come to this decision but I know she hold religious view about it to, which I understand and respect. During our conversation she was adament in know how many girls I slept with and who they were but I told her that it did not matter which only seemed to upset her more.

Also, forgive me if this is off topic but since the word conservative was used I feel I should point out that in some regards she is. For example, I am good friends with a girl from my college days who is "out" and proud of it. I would be good friends with this girl (and proud/grateful to be so because she is such a goodhearted person) and have been friends with her for quite some time. However, upon hearing that this girl prefers the company of other girls to that of men my OH acts like this girl is completely amoral (her words)... this has caused friction between us before because I think my OH is being judgemental and I have asked her to refrain from judging my friend without even knowing her.

Now, I am not trying to paint my OH ina bad light because we all have our flaws and I do feel that I am in love with her but now that she told me she is not a virgin I feel she does not have the right to be so judgemental towards me or others. (though I still respect her beliefs about no premarital sex)

OP - you know - sometimes two people are just so different that it is not going to work. In your post above I see some warning signs though I might be over-thinking it...

1. She is not a virgin - but the first and only time was so disasterous that she decided to wait until marriage??? What happens when she is married and finds that the 2nd time is just as "bad"... Does she refuse to have sex then except to have children...

2. Demanding to know your history... I mean - this was all before her and in truth she has no right to force this information from you. Why oh why did you give in???

3. Judging a lesbian as being amoral... That there is a deal-breaker for me - someone who judges others on sexuality is just someone I don't want to associate with. Who knows what comes next?

Look only you can decide - but in that short paragraph above I have picked out the 3 top reasons to delete her number and run - up to you though. Maybe by talking to her about her views you can prompt a change - but that has to be a real change and not one to entrap you further...

Wagon

she ****ed some stranger drunkenly but wont sleep with you?

wake up man. she is taking the piss.

LegacyUser

Am I the only one that thinks this girl is lying to the OP?

I personally think she is still a virgin. I think she made up the whole bad experience thing because she is jealous or hurt that the OP has slept with other women and now she is trying to balance the equation so to speak.

That would explain her reaction to the OP telling her about his past "experiences"

In my own rambling experience people with strong religious beliefs such as calling a lesbian amoral tend not to fall into situations where they leave themselves open to a one night stand.

Either was I'd cut and run, if she is telling the truth her beliefs are in the dark ages and she's somewhat of a biggot or she's lying to "balance the power" in the relationship after your revelation which would make her incredibly immature.

astra2000

Feel so judged wrote: »

Had the "talk" with my OH tonight and she eventually dropped the bombshell. Apparently she is not a virgin at all but has only slept with a guy once and it was when she was pretty drunk. She said it was horrible experience and she really regreted it afterwards. She had always wanted to wait until marriage and that time was a mistake and that's why she is waiting until she gets married now. In part I think it was this experience that made her come to this decision but I know she hold religious view about it to, which I understand and respect. During our conversation she was adament in know how many girls I slept with and who they were but I told her that it did not matter which only seemed to upset her more.

Also, forgive me if this is off topic but since the word conservative was used I feel I should point out that in some regards she is. For example, I am good friends with a girl from my college days who is "out" and proud of it. I would be good friends with this girl (and proud/grateful to be so because she is such a goodhearted person) and have been friends with her for quite some time. However, upon hearing that this girl prefers the company of other girls to that of men my OH acts like this girl is completely amoral (her words)... this has caused friction between us before because I think my OH is being judgemental and I have asked her to refrain from judging my friend without even knowing her.

Now, I am not trying to paint my OH ina bad light because we all have our flaws and I do feel that I am in love with her but now that she told me she is not a virgin I feel she does not have the right to be so judgemental towards me or others. (though I still respect her beliefs about no premarital sex)

I would really think long and hard about where this relationship is going. Her opinions are not conservative they are archaic. Who else among your friends/family will she find problems with? I would imagine the list could be endless ,single parents/divorcees/ to name but a few. It may turn out over time that many of the people you care for end up not making your gfs strict moral standards.

LighterGuy

Feel so judged wrote: »

Had the "talk" with my OH tonight and she eventually dropped the bombshell. Apparently she is not a virgin at all but has only slept with a guy once and it was when she was pretty drunk. She said it was horrible experience and she really regreted it afterwards.

as Wagon said... im sorry mate but she is USING you.

I've seen this before. I've even seen a guy date a virgin for a year and a half. Didnt want to have sex. It didnt stop her from having sex with other guys behind his back.

I know its hard. you're the one in the situation. So you're going to be a bit blind (as we all can be in relationships)
But for the love of god mate step out of the situation! see that you're dating a girl who had sex before and now is in a relationship and doesnt want to sleep with her boyfriend?!!?

Mate, you would laugh at any other guy and call him an ejjit. you'd be right too.

Squiggler

I personally don't think that there is anything wrong with abstinence, or waiting until you're emotionally mature enough, and in a stable relationship with someone you love and trust, before having sex. Sounds like the OP's girlfriend made a mistake that she regrets and feels horribly guilty about.

Her jealousy and judgemental attitude are separate issues from her personal choices about her own sexual activity levels and they shouldn't be lumped together.

OP, sounds like your OH is insecure and jealous of the other girls you've had in your life, and probably afraid that (if and when you two get together) you will be comparing her, perhaps unfavourably) to them.

Do you have other female friends (aside from the one you already mentioned)? It is possible that her reaction to your friend has nothing to do with her sexual orientation, that she is merely using that as an outlet. Jealousy is not a rational thing, far from it, she may believe that your friend has designs on you (no matter what you say or her preference) or just be jealous that you are close to another woman.

A lot of people with guilty consciences or regrets seem to seek to vindicate themselves by reveling in other people's perceived sins, and trying to tell themselves and others how much worse than them those other people are.

Beruthiel

Feel so judged wrote: »

I am good friends with a girl from my college days who is "out" and proud of it. I would be good friends with this girl (and proud/grateful to be so because she is such a goodhearted person) and have been friends with her for quite some time. However, upon hearing that this girl prefers the company of other girls to that of men my OH acts like this girl is completely amoral (her words)... this has caused friction between us before because I think my OH is being judgemental and I have asked her to refrain from judging my friend without even knowing her.

I love it.
This girl, gets drunk and sleeps with some random stranger, but thinks she has the right to judge how someone else lives their life.

You've got some serious thinking to do here OP.
Consider the future.
There will always be a problem with your good friend being gay. Who's next on her Judgement List?
Do you want any future children brought up with such skewed views?
Do you actually intend to wait until ye are married before having sex?
Jeez, you test drive a car before buying it. But you're quite happy to make the biggest commitment of your life without ever having checked to see if ye are compatible in bed.

btw - it's none of her business how many people you slept with before you met her.
I'm with my fella 11 years and have no clue with regards to the amount of people he slept with before me. Having this knowledge makes not a blind bit of difference either way.
If my 22 year old daughter told me she was getting married to a virgin, I'd laugh my ass off.

snooleen

OP- nevermind about waiting til after marriage for sex, she is very religious and a bit conservative, yeah? If you do wait and then have sex after marriage, WILL SHE AGREE TO USE CONTRACEPTION?

Just wondering cause you could wait for years for your bit and then she might be like, 'hey, I'm preg' and I'm generalizing here but many just married couples continue with careers etc for a couple of years before the whole baby thing.

prinz

Just keep discussing it maturely OP. If you think she's worth it, give it some time.

Squiggler wrote: »

I personally don't think that there is anything wrong with abstinence, or waiting until you're emotionally mature enough, and in a stable relationship with someone you love and trust, before having sex. Sounds like the OP's girlfriend made a mistake that she regrets and feels horribly guilty about..

+1. Hilarious reaction to this from some. How dare someone make what they deem a mistake and want to change... it should be repeated over and over :rolleyes:

snooleen wrote: »

Just wondering cause you could wait for years for your bit and then she might be like, 'hey, I'm preg' and I'm generalizing here but many just married couples continue with careers etc for a couple of years before the whole baby thing.

Yes, you are. Religious/conservative =/= popping kids out like Gizmo.

prinz

Beruthiel wrote: »

Who's next on her Judgement List?

Beruthiel wrote: »

If my 22 year old daughter told me she was getting married to a virgin, I'd laugh my ass off.

Makes perfect sense to me....

Glasshouses, stones etc.

snooleen

prinz wrote: »

Yes, you are. Religious/conservative =/= popping kids out like Gizmo.

Haha, I know, but if she feels so strongly about her religion as she claims to, she probably won't want to use contraception if they do marry and have sex. No contraception = a much higher chance of popping kids out like Gizmo.

Squiggler

snooleen wrote: »

Haha, I know, but if she feels so strongly about her religion as she claims to, she probably won't want to use contraception if they do marry and have sex. No contraception = a much higher chance of popping kids out like Gizmo.

Not all Christians/religous are adverse to Contraception. It's only the Catholic Church that's foolish enough to ignore the need for it. Most churches have been in supportive of birth control for a very long time.

At this point the OP seems to be trying to decide whether to continue the relationship in the short term, marriage is a long way off.

Susie_Q

If my OH was as judgemental about gay friends of mine as you say your girlfriend has been then that would be a total dealbreaker for me. In fact anyone making bad remarks about my friends would immediately get my back up. How did you react when she said your friend was 'amoral'?

Moreover, who else is she going to judge and demean amongst your group of friends? If someone was a single mother or an atheist would she also make derogatory comments about them? This girl sounds like trouble, more trouble than she's worth. She also sounds awfully mean.

You have some thinking to do, OP.

LegacyUser

Okay so I have had a few heart to hearts with my OH and I am starting to see that she isn't listening to me (by that I mean taking on board what I am saying). I have told her how I feel about her and I am willing to wait etc....

When she speaks it revolves around asking me who I slept with, how many girls I have slept with, do I still hang around with them etc.... alternatively it revolves around her dreams for a family (big one I might add), living in the countryside, etc.... which doesn't really scare me off (for lack of a better term).

However, she says that because I can't be open with her about my activities with other women (I feel that it would do no good to tell her such things so I have not) that I am only with her for "the ride" (her words and surprising words as she is normally not that crass )

LighterGuy

Op, You are dating a head wrecker.

She is 25. Claimed to be a virgin. I would of immediately taken that with a pinch of salt. However you now know she had a one night stand before when "drunken" ... so she is not a virgin. Claming she only had sex once.


You are wasting your time my friend.

In fact, I would put money on that she has had sex more than once. You are dating a lying.

Thats easy for me to say since I am not in the relationship. And its probably hard for you to see. We can all be blind in relationships. But you are just wasting your time and you're putting yourself in danger of emotionally being screwed over.

seenitall

OP, this girl of yours sounds like way more trouble than she is worth.

I'm not saying that is because she wants to wait with sex or because she is religious, but because she sounds like a very unsavoury person (whether you have noticed it or not):

judgmental to the hilt (judging people's worth based on their sexuality is, as someone else said, archaic, intolerant, and, not least, pretty unwise),

disrespectful of personal boundaries (just who the heck does she think she is questioning you about your past - the Spanish inquisition? Actually...:rolleyes:),

and my humble estimation is that this girl is a serious control freak who you would be well advised to steer clear of.

I am basing this estimation on her behaviour toward you and your friends at the moment - my prediction is that whichever fellow ends up putting the ring on her finger, will be signing away his personal boundaries and any other freedoms he may have been taking for granted; as you said yourself, she has a vision of what SHE wants and she is not taking much else on board at all, so if you don't want the big country house full of kids and a wife who will be ruling and regulating you like any self-respecting self-righteous wife does, I suggest you run for the hills right about NOW!

In short: your g/f sounds like a complete nightmare to me (of course she could be just perfect for a certain type of guy - the question is, are you that guy?)

Best wishes!

Wagon

Come on OP, she's lying through her teeth. She's probably slept with more than one person before you. Might have been loads but wants to paint you as the bad guy. From what you're posting, i wouldn't be surprised.

This women will not ever stop this crap because she likes it. What happens if you stay with her? You're going to end up in the back arse of nowehere with a wife who'll never be happy and will more than likely end up cheating on you in the future because "you forced her to do it". It's the kind of crap women like that so. Never mind the religious side, people can have religion and still be arseholes.

Get out, find a woman who is nice to you. Iif you stay with this yoke, you'll only regret it down the line.

Giblet

She's projecting, she's already lied once, and she's trying to see who you slept to feel better about the guys she has slept with (she most likely has).
It's BS, pure and simple. She gets to lie about sleeping with someone and then makes demands of you wanting to know about your past life? Nothing but trouble.

LegacyUser

TBH I want to end the relationship now because I feel so judged and interrogated by her but I know that when I do she will tell everyone that is because I only wanted to sleep with her and I didn't respect her wishes/beliefs (which is not true). I found out today that she has been going through all my old posts (and friends posts) on my facebook account (which I haven't used in ages) just to see who I was with back in college and what I got up to. How do I know this? Well she said some things to me that she clearly should know and after I pressed her about it she admitted to thralling through my facebook (out of curiousity she says). TBH I have nothing to hide and the reason I did not want to tell her is the way she demanded to know.....

Ickle Magoo

Well, just be honest and let your friends know ended because of her issues with insecurity. The people who know you that matter will not listen to what she says and those who do weren't great friends to begin with.

If she's now trawling through your facebook pages from donkeys ago, I'd be considering myself lucky that things didn't get any more serious than they did.

All the best

LighterGuy

Hmmm,
So she is looking at your previous posts on facebook?

I think she has emotional issues. It sounds like she has been hurt in the past. She clearly doesnt trust guys. I think said emotional issues are causing her to lie and make bogus claims she was a virgin. Slapping religious beliefs onto them as well. Thus in turn becoming a serious liar.

She probably thinks all this is perfectly acceptable behaviour. As with most people in life they will rarely look at themselves or their actions.


Either way, this behaviour is messed up.

I think you can add "emotional baggage" to the list of whats shes done.

Op, you should walk away. I believe in coming down on one bad aspect. But there are several here.

philologos

OP: As I would see it. Your girlfriend has definitely taken the wrong reaction to her beliefs. Just because she happens to wish to remain chaste until marriage does not mean that she is correct to cast judgement upon you because you haven't.

That said. I think she's perfectly entitled to wait until marriage if that is what she wants to do, and if her conscience informs her to do so. You need to talk to her about it, and try find a solution. As for her already having done so, I still think her choice is valid. People screw up all the time, and people make mistakes.

What is wrong however is that she's casting judgement on you when she herself has done the same thing.

OP, I wish you the very very best with this, it is a difficult situation but if you wish to resolve it you'll probably need to work a lot out.

Neyite

she seems to have serious jealousy issues with the females (past and present) in your life. and this is without adding sexual intimacy into the mix.

there is nothing wrong with someone waiting for marraige, or a serious relationship, to have sex, but it sounds like she places such importance on it that if you ever got to that point, you would be emotionally manipulated about everything because she 'gave' herself to you. as in, 'lose the lesbian friend, because i am your girlfriend and gave myself to you and therefore i am more important' and so on.

it sounds more like its a tool she uses in a power struggle rather than a girl who is happy with her decisions on her own sexuality.