what to do?

LegacyUser

I've been with my boyfriend for just over a year and a half. Even though it is a long-distance relationship (within Ireland), we have been getting very close over the last few months. He has been actually been talking about marriage for quite a long time and seems convinced that I am the one. I think when we got together he was at the stage where he was just ready to settle down, whereas I was not so sure (we are both around the 30 mark). At this stage, we share a circle of friends and our families feel like they belong to both of us.

I tend to have episodes where I get depressed, my self-esteem takes a dip and I question everything I do. Lately I have been questioning my love for my boyfriend, but I am unable to come up with a clear answer because my thoughts are being muddied by something that happened when we had only been going out for about six weeks (during which time we had only managed to see each other about three times, but we had slept together for the first time).

I really hate myself for this, but after those first five weeks I was out one night and someone I had a brief fling with a year earlier tried to chat me up. I told him I had a boyfriend and I walked away. Later in the night I was drunker than I had planned to be (believe me I have cut down on drink A LOT because of this experience) and he came to talk to me again while we were waiting to get taxis home. I reminded him that I had a boyfriend I really liked and that I was not interested. That's the last thing I remember, until I woke up with him the next morning.

I am not blaming the drink in any way, and I am not blaming the other guy. I am more than prepared to take responsibility for my actions. The thing is, I tried to sweep it under the carpet and it has come back to bite me in a big way. I feel horrible every time I think of it, and I feel that my boyfriend has a right to know. The dilemma is that his self-esteem is not the greatest, and I don't want to hurt him or to ruin his trust in me or in people in general. I've been thinking that maybe I should just break up with him without telling him this, and let both of us move on. But I also think we could have a great future together if there's a chance that we can wipe the slate clean. I'm sick of pretending. I feel like a fraud - and yes, I know I deserve to. So, any advice?

LegacyUser

You obviously cant continue as you have been with a guilty conscience.
I think if you want to have a future with your boyfriend you'll have to face the music and tell him. He might not want to forgive and forget but you will never know if you just break up with him without an explanation. If he is willing to put it behind you the relationship will be better for having been honest with him. If he decides to end it you will at least know you respected him enough to let him know the truth. Good luck.

LegacyUser

Thanks, random stranger. You're right. It's nervewracking because I know once I tell him ther will be no going back. But I have to do it.