Drinking OH becomes someone else

LegacyUser

Some advice gladly sought, live with boyfriend now 2 years. always been great together, it's still that way. Except, the past few months they had him let off a lot of his staff because of payroll etc, he's now doing the amount of work 3 staff and another manager would be doing. When at home, his phone rings, constantly. We have little or no private time- he refuses to turn it off/on silent.

He talks work in his sleep, gives out in his sleep, and will not see a doctor.

These days, when he drinks he drinks a lot... not just a few pints, he binges, he goes from pints to shorts to shots and shots and more shots... until he can not stand.... Then when he sobers up he has a shower after a bit of sleep and goes back to work...

When he's drunk he doesn't recognise me, he pushes me, goes to slap me and thinks it's funny, he throws things at me or calls me names. He doesn't know my name when he does it, and if he's in a state where he can't see he'll go to punch me. He has done on a few occasions,

When he wakes up and i give out to him, he laughs it of. He will NOT acknowledge it. He won't deny it but he won't accept it either. He never used to be like this.

Marriage is on the cards for the foreseeable future, but now i'm beginning to reconsider.

LegacyUser

Op

1- his drinking, due to the pressure, is becoming a serious problem.
2- he is abusing you and is violent when he has drink on him and
3- he is not taking you seriously when you tell him

this situation is spiralling out of control and escalating. He won't listen and won't take you seriously and I suspect won't or can't give up drinking as he does not think he has a problem. Can you talk to him the very next time he us sober and explain what he s doing to you and then move out to a friend for a few weeks. You are in danger and in an abusive relationship. He needs to know you are serious, that he is in a bad place and that he needs to sort it if he wants to keep you . Btw, he can't bd forgetting EVERY time what he is doing to you - that's bull. Be safe cos he had a serious problem and you staying there and taking this behaviour is enabling him to abuse you

Memnoch

Okay, it's obvious that he's under a lot of strain and needs to pull things together a little bit, and as you love him you want to support him and help him do that and be back to the person he is. It also seems like he isn't a bad person, just going through a bit of a hard time and struggling to cope.

Now, I rarely advocate harsh actions on these forums but I think if you really want to salvage him you don't have a choice.

Sit him down, seriously. Have a talk with him and explain what the issues are and tell him you are leaving. And then do it.

Take your stuff and move out for a month(or two). Tell him he has a month to sort himself out, or at least PROVE that he is trying to sort himself out and taking all the right steps.

If he loves you and your relationship means something to him, he will make the effort to tackle the problem.

I know you think that you need to support him at this difficult time, but sometimes that means helping him realise just how bad things are getting. And the only way he will realise this is if he sees how close he is to losing you. Otherwise, things will just keep spiralling until he becomes even more abusive and starts hitting you and/or you are forced to leave and there will be no hope for your relationship then.

Fysh

If he's regularly drinking to the point that he doesn't know who you are and physically attacks you, you're damn right marriage should be off the cards.

From your post it sounds like stress is the underlying issue here, but if he won't acknowledge the cause he has to at least own the repercussions - both the collapse of his personal life due to work pressures and his choice to start drinking more heavily, with all the additional problems that brings.

You need to make him understand the seriousness of his heavy drinking and changed behaviour. As part of this, you should decide how much longer you're willing to live like this. It's not viable long-term, and however much you want to help him and keep your relationship intact, you have to look after yourself first and foremost. Don't start the conversation with an ultimatum, but try to make him acknowledge the issue and if he refuses to acknowledge it, make it clear that you can't go on like this.

Beruthiel

Cary place wrote: »

Op

1- his drinking, due to the pressure, is becoming a serious problem.
2- he is abusing you and is violent when he has drink on him and
3- he is not taking you seriously when you tell him

Were this happening to me, I would calmly point out the above to him.
I would then tell him that he had better take a serious look at what is going on because if he doesn't, I'm walking.
No job is worth your mental health or your private life.
It's time for him to chose.

limelemon

Agree with other posters, your first step is to move out. Take yourself out of harm's way. Marriage is on a very long finger for you guys. Make it clear to him that you are moving out because of his drinking. Beyond that it's up to him to join the dots and decide to cut back / give it up of his own volition. You can't make him stop drinking by reasoning with him.

CDfm

If someone is drinking to that extent then their work cant be unaffected especially in the accountancy area where you have to doa lot of checking and be precise, just a thought.

up for anything

My advice would be either leave yourself or force him to leave. It sounds like he will need quite a bit of counselling to deal with his many fold problems. You don't want to be his punching bag.

You could, if you want to present him with incontrovertible proof, next time you know he is going to be like this, set it up so that you can secretly video him. It might be quite hard for him to accept that he behaves like this when he doesn't remember it but the camera/sound doesn't lie.

Do not put yourself in danger doing this though. It is my experience that people who lose control when they are drunk know full well what they are doing but because of the drink allow themselves to slip knowing that they can try blaming it on on being drunk.

Be careful.