Partners of people who were abused...

LegacyUser

Hi guys,

I was just wondering if anyone in here is supporting a partner who was sexually abused as a kid or young adult? Because my partner was, years ago, and it's starting to really effect me.

I know, I know, this shouldn't be about me, but in order to help her through everything, I need to get my own head on straight. I have no-one to talk to about it, and while I'm happy she's opening up about triggers, etc., my head is melted on a load of levels.

I guess the crux of it all came the other day, and while she often withdraws from sexual and physical closeness, which I understand am pretty ok with, she told me the other day that she'd seen the guy who did this to her, and he spoke to her, and also that a few days later he was around and I was there. Now, she won't tell me who it is, and TBH part of me is glad because I'd do something mental and probably beat the crap out of him if I'm honest. She told me some other stuff too that I'm not going into here, but basically, I'm just wondering if anyone else is dealing with this stuff?

Are there any groups for partners of people who were abused? Apparently the Rape Crisis Centre has one but any time I try to contact them I don't get an answer, and I don't want to ring up the emergency line, obviously, and waste their time with a silly thing, when there are other people who might need them more. But I mean with the amount of people in this country in particular who have been raped or abused in the past, there must be thousands and thousands or husbands, wives, partners who are going through the same head stuff as me... I just think it's mad if there's no resources available...

Just wondering if anyone knows of anything, or has any advice from their experience. Thanks

Daisy Steiner

Hi there,

My last partner had been sexually abused as a child and hadn't dealt with it fully. He had gone for counselling but hadn't done enough and then gave it up when he met me. This was a big mistake for him and it eventually led to our relationship breaking up.

I can empathise with your anger towards whoever abused your gf. I knew who had abused my ex and sometimes felt like I should report him seeing as no one had ever done so before. My ex always bullied me out of it though and I let him because at the end of the day it was his call.

However we started to experience more and more problems as a result of him not having dealt with the abuse and more and more it infiltrated our relationship on all levels.

I kept encouraging him to go back to his counsellor as it was clear by his behaviour that he couldn't live a normal life without facing his past properly.

The final straw for me was once during foreplay he roughly pushed me away and said it "reminded him of the abuse". There and then I knew I couldn't cope with this person anymore and we split up. I still encouraged him to seek help because in many ways he was a lovely person and I thought that if he got the help he needed he might even be able to accuse his abuser and have that evil man put away for his crimes.

I sought counselling myself afterwards as I found I was extremely worried about him and angry at the whole situation. The man who had abused him was a family member who was now in contact with the next generation of kids in the family, going away on holidays with them etc.

The counsellor I saw wasn't specifically dealing with sexual abuse, but I found him to be a great help for me and helped me to cope with my feelings.

I don't know of any specific support groups for partners of abuse victims. Just looking at google there and all the pages are from uk and N. Ireland. That is a disgrace, as you say, there must be thousands of people who are partners of abuse victims and it is a very difficult road.

Best of luck OP, maybe consider counselling for yourself as well as your partner.

diverdad

Daisy Steiner wrote: »

Hi there,

I sought counselling myself afterwards as I found I was extremely worried about him and angry at the whole situation. The man who had abused him was a family member who was now in contact with the next generation of kids in the family, going away on holidays with them etc.

First, you cannot feel guilty about ending you relationship. You tried to help as best you could and tried to cope with his problem.
In the end it isn't your problem although you tried to share it and help him through it.

The other bit in your reply that I've bolded is worrying. If you are still in contact with your ex he should be encouraged to alert these parents before its too late.
Failing that you should consider doing it without revealing your identity. Also the Garda are trained to handle issues like this and do not have to reveal the source of their information. They can be surprisingly sympathetic to a report of that nature.
If you can't get you ex to put a stop to any further possible abuse then you should try. The guilt from that, should it come to pass, would be hard to bear.

LegacyUser

Hi, sorry for going slightly off topic. Could I just ask what type of behaviour did your OH display in your relationship. I myself am a male, I was sexually abused when I was younger. I recently was dumped by my first long term girlfriend. She dumped me because I could not express or display affection to her. It was very frustrating for me, I knew something was wrong with me, but I just couldnt tell her. Very difficult to accept the break up because I know in my heart I could have prevented it if I got help, or explained to her. So basically I am asking, are most abused people like this? I am strongly thinking of going to counselling, is there a certain type of counseller I should look for?

LegacyUser

Hi. Thanks for your replies. We have already both been to counselling, and she is working on her problems, she's come so far which is great. It's just always a set back when something triggers her, and it feels like we take a huge leap backwards then, you know? The problem is money for the most part, we can't afford proper counselling right now, which sucks...

Daisy Steiner

doodleoo wrote: »

Hi. Thanks for your replies. We have already both been to counselling, and she is working on her problems, she's come so far which is great. It's just always a set back when something triggers her, and it feels like we take a huge leap backwards then, you know? The problem is money for the most part, we can't afford proper counselling right now, which sucks...

That does suck. I'm delighted to hear that you have both looked for help, it's such a hard thing to get past but it sounds like you both work hard at it.

It's awful that the triggers set her, and in turn you back so much. I can't imagine what it must be like for her to see her abuser and for that to take her back to that dark place.

Is there any chance she would accuse and press charges? As another poster said the guards are very good when it comes to handling these cases. Maybe then she might gain some peace and closure.

Best of luck to you two, and serious respect to you op.

up for anything

This may be of help to you if you cannot afford full price counselling.

Low Cost Counselling

LegacyUser

@up for anything: thanks for that link. I appreciate it.

@ Daisy: Thanks for your lovely words. With regards to pressing charges, she flatly refuses to. She thinks it will upset her family too much and she doesn't want to hurt them. She still struggles with the idea sometimes that it was her fault in some way, so she's in no way ready to drag it all up again in a very public way. I have asked her to make sure that this guy isn't possibly doing it to any other kids in the area, because that to me would be a deal breaker, especially if I found out who it was. But I have to trust her judgement on that.

It is very hard, when things crop up because usually I don't know when or how it happens, all I know is that she withdraws and I have no idea what or what I've done, because it's not just seeing or hearing about him, sometimes it can be something I say or do that triggers a flashback...

@diggingupthepast: Please, please please find someone to talk to. What you're experiencing is completely normal, because if you have been abused by someone in the past who loved you and you loved, you'll find it tough to show love again in case the next person you love abuses that again. I know my partner substituted sex for emotion in the beginning of our relationship, but I didn't really notice because hey, it was a new relationship and everyone goes at it like bunnies in the start, right? But once she started to love me and have real feelings for me, that's when it all started to go tits up. I think that the turning point came when she pushed me away during sex once and I didn't storm off, or push back, I just stayed there. That broke through a barrier and she realised I wasn't just there for sex. But even now, she shows me her love in other ways to talking, she's not big for emotions and words- it was difficult for me to understand that at first too, because I'm very verbal and Ill just say whatever's in my head.

All I can say to you is don't beat yourself up over it too much, but also don't let it get you down- don't let the f*cker win. Go, talk to someone, maybe someone who has experience in this area- the rape crisis centre have groups and specialist counsellors for men who were abused, so they can help.

iguana

Have you contacted OneinFour? They have a counselling programme for couples where one partner has experienced sexual abuse.

http://www.oneinfour.org/services/counselling/

LegacyUser

Hi,

Yes, I have contacted 1in4, but i got no response at all. It just ads to the feeling that you're totally alone when I've contacted the RCC, 1in4 and a few others and they either don't get back to you or they tell you they cant help, because you yourself haven't been abused.

I'll try again though.

iguana

There are online support groups if you want to try that.

http://www.sandf.org/forum/viewforum.php?f=12

Though I do recommend keeping trying with OneinFour and RCC. Even if they don't have much to help now they are more likely to see the need if people ask for them.

LegacyUser

Hey all,

Thanks so much for all your replies. I heard back from the Rape Crisis Centre and they can't offer anyone any service unless they are the partner of someone already at the centre. 1in4 have an allies group and they seem happy enough for me to go along, so I'm hoping I can.

I also was recommended a phone-in service, http://www.connectcounselling.ie/, and they seem great, the offer 1-1 counselling to people who were abused in the past and to their partners. You can call them and just chat things through or you can go into scheduled phone counselling, where you talk to the same person each week. I think it sounds fantastic, and I really just wanted to put it on this thread in case anyone else searches in the future and is a bit lost. It's only open Wednesday-Sunday, and I only found out about it today, but it sounds great. Fingers crossed, eh?

LegacyUser

Ok, here goes. I've gone unregistered for this... for obvious reasons.
OP, firstly, it is a testament to the strength of your relationship and the love and support that you have offered your OH that she has felt capable of opening up to you about something like this.
It is something that I have never been brave enough to do. I was sexually abused from about the age of 5, by a neighbour, who himself was a grandfather at the time. It was something that for years I blocked out. The human brain can be pretty amazing, what it will do to protect itself from things that it can't cope with. I never told my parents, and yet I know at times I have been deeply angry at them for not protecting a little girl. I think that is maybe something that so many abusers have in common, their ability to make poor kids internalise what has gone on, make them keep it a secret, because somehow the kids frequently think it was some how our fault.
I have told one friend, and bless her, she has been a rock. She is someone I have been friends with since I was about 12 and we are now mid 30's and still friends. I remember telling her, both of us crying and she just hugged me and told me she loved me, I think it was probably the most perfect response/reaction that I could have got. She didn't question or judge, was just there. I know she wanted to know who HE was, but she didn't push that. He has since died, I remember feeling this huge since of relief when I heard that, it felt like I had been holding my breath for as long as I could remember and suddenly I was able to exhale again - that's the only way I can describe it.
Have I forgiven him NO, I'm not sure that I ever will. I think that if he had not done what he did to me my life would be so different in so many ways. I have issues around relationships, I have issues around sex, I have huge insecurities about so many things, I think my life has been a history of being used by men. I am very aware there is a cycle that needs to be broken but don't know how to do that.
There is a huge fear about telling anyone, and for me, that even extends to seeking help, or counselling around the whole issue. I don't want to tell people that I am a victim. I don't know, maybe deep down I still think I was in some way responsible for what happened.
I recently broke up with the most amazing man in the world. I didn't think it was possible to feel such love for another human being. He was the first person that I have been in a relationship with that I had actually contemplated telling, but I didn't. Would telling him make it sound like I had an excuse for being a fruit cake from time to time? Would he feel he had to make allowances for me at times? But worst of all, would he think I was some sort of a freak, someone who had caused this to happen to herself??
OP, your OH is so brave and so strong, be there to support her, give her a hug and tell her that you love her. Thread carefully with her emotions. I absolutely understand that you too will need help and support to help her deal with all of this.
I wish you both happiness and peace.
I hope that someday, if I meet someone special, I am brave enough to tell him 'this is who I am'.

LegacyUser

Well OP here once again.

I came to this thread this morning to actually post some more info I have received from a few people that I contacted, in case it could help other people who maybe do a search etc for a similar topic. I'll do that at the end but first I want to reply to the poster just above me.

First of all, I have one giant thing to say. You are NOT a victim. You are a SURVIVOR. There's a big, big difference. It took a long time for my OH to realise that, but once she did, that's when things started moving along. So please, try and realise that. You may have been targeted, and victimised, but you're a strong, amazing person, both people who have posted on this thread who have been abused. Lots of people who were abused don't make it this far, so well done you. Once you see yourself as a survivor, talking about it to other people gets easier. I was the 1st person my OH told, and since then she has been able to tell her closest friends, who have been amazingly supportive, and she's sought counselling. The counselling didn't go as well as it could have because of staff changes in the place she was going (she hated having to go over the basics more than once, which is understandable)

I recently broke up with the most amazing man in the world. I didn't think it was possible to feel such love for another human being. He was the first person that I have been in a relationship with that I had actually contemplated telling, but I didn't. Would telling him make it sound like I had an excuse for being a fruit cake from time to time? Would he feel he had to make allowances for me at times? But worst of all, would he think I was some sort of a freak, someone who had caused this to happen to herself??

Yes it would give you a REASON for needing extra support and understanding every now and again. He probably would make allowances from time to time (and if he's a good guy, he won't see them as 'allowances', just as the right thing to do, just like you would do the same when he feels weird about his beer belly or whether or not he has the strength to support a family, etc. relationships are all about support and understanding) And if he's a bad guy, yeah he may have some warped idea that you 'brought this on yourself', because no matter how horrible that is, there are some people out there who don't understand. But most people get how horrible and horrifying and sick it is for an adult to do something like that to a child. Most decent human beings will have empathy for you, and will want to support you. They will need support to do that, and in my experience sometimes the support has to come from the survivor too- no-one is able to be strong 100% of the time.

Life is too short and precious to let the b*stards win. It really is. They do this for control, and when you stop living a life the may it's meant to be lived, then they win. They get that control. Don't let them.

Well, I'll post now the information that I was given. The rape Crisis Centre don't provide support for partners or family of survivors unless they are receiving counselling there. 1in4 have an allies group, which is starting soon and they seem ok with the idea of someone attending who isn't connected already, which is great. I was also recommended Connect Counselling http://www.connectcounselling.ie/, who run a phone line for survivors and their supporters on wed-sun nights, and while you can ring just randomly for a chat and to talk to someone you can also have scheduled phone counselling with the same person every week or whatever. It sounds like a great service, and it's a shame it's not publicised more. They're also setting up a similar service but online, which will presumably be email counselling, which again I think is great. Sometimes it's saying things when people are looking right at you that is a bit of a hurdle...

All in all, there's hope, guys. Don't let the b*stards win, and live your life the way you deserve. Cos we're all amazing, and we all deserve happiness.

Peace.

LegacyUser

Hi, I am a suvivor of sexual abuse and can relate to both 'diggingupthepast' and 'NotReadyYet'.
Yes I blanked out what happened to me nearly all my life until recently, than came a time when I lost the most precious thing to me, my girlfriend. I too could not give her the affection and love she desired, yet I had so much love to give, but could not show or express it. The guilt and anger over this was unreal, I had not told her about the abuse and I think she thought that I was just another cold guy who didnt love her. The breakup was ridiculosly hard because I had so much regret. I decided that this will never happen again. I was in so much pain that I went to a counseller. I went for a few sessions just generally talking about things, and then a time will come you will know that you can trust the counseller. I eventually just blurted it out and listen to me when I say this, counsellers know how to deal with this stuff, you have nothing, absolutly nothing to worry about. Yes it is daunting but you will feel so much better talking about it and your life will become so much more enjoyable. This is just a snippet of my story but what I am trying to get through to you is please please talk to a trained professional about your past, it is so so worth it.