I think I'm very sick.

big toenails

I have a problem. I'm depressed. I look at internet forums morning noon and night. I don't go outside the door. I haven't worked in 4 years. I really do hate myself. I refuse to speak to someone. I wish I could start fresh where nobody knows me. I need help but I consciously wallow on a very unhappy man. This is not a joke. I am not wumming. I honestly feel I have to express myself somewhere. I'm deeply unhappy and can see my life wasting away in front of me. Someone say something to me please. I'm in a bad place.

big toenails

I haven't seen a doctor. I so ****ed up I don't think a doctor could help me.

big toenails

big toenails wrote: »

I have a problem. I'm depressed. I look at internet forums morning noon and night. I don't go outside the door. I haven't worked in 4 years. I really do hate myself. I refuse to speak to someone. I wish I could start fresh where nobody knows me. I need help but I consciously wallow on a very unhappy man. This is not a joke. I am not wumming. I honestly feel I have to express myself somewhere. I'm deeply unhappy and can see my life wasting away in front of me. Someone say something to me please. I'm in a bad place.

You do need help, go talk to a GP. Things will be ok. If you get help and work hard at it one day this may just be an unpleasant memory

big toenails

Oranage2 wrote: »

I think after 4 years you have to stop all the self pity stuff and get up and change.[/QUO.TE]

You've made me cry with the obvious truth. I ****ing hate myself.

Links234

I was in a serious depression for a while myself too, I had a lot of self hatred, felt very isolated and couldn't talk to anyone. I couldn't deal with life until I faced up to my problems.

do you think there's something deep down that's bothering you that is at the root of all this?

Micky Dolenz

Moved to PI. Good Luck OP

LilyCullen

Hey,

I'm so sorry to hear things are so **** for you now. you just need something small to boost you confidence. Your state of mind will change so much if you get offered a job interview, or just force yourself away from the internet. I know how easy it is to sit on front of the computer all day, but it's so bad for your self esteem.

If you want I can take a look at your CV and help you change it and suggest things if you like.I do it professionally. I'd really like to help you because you're obviously reaching out for it and I'm sure you can change your life. it's never too late and you deserve better.

If you're uncomfortable with sending me your CV you can always take your personal details out.

I really do think you should go talk to someone. Get CBT, it's cognitive behavioural therapy, they'll actively help you change instead of just listening to your problems, I can recommend someone for that too if you want.

Hope this was helpfull
Best of Luck

LC

Zaph

OP, if you feel you can't talk to a GP there are a number of other organisations that may be a better starting point for you:

http://www.irish-counselling.ie/

http://www.dublinsamaritans.ie/

http://www.mentalhealthireland.ie/

http://www.grow.ie/

http://www.aware.ie/

http://www.shineonline.ie/

Donkey Oaty

big toenails wrote: »

I refuse to speak to someone. I wish I could start fresh where nobody knows me.

I hope this doesn't sound too patronising or touchy-feely, but the first step in the right direction is always the most difficult and fair fecks to you for taking that step tonight.

There are lots of us on your side.

big toenails

Links234 wrote: »

I was in a serious depression for a while myself too, I had a lot of self hatred, felt very isolated and couldn't talk to anyone. I couldn't deal with life until I faced up to my problems.

do you think there's something deep down that's bothering you that is at the root of all this?

I often wonder to myself maybe I'm this way because I'm gay and I'm too scared to admit it. But I genuinely do not desire men. I have no inclination that way at all. It seems I've gone so bad that inside my head I'm thinking maybe you are gay to an extent to where I'm saying yeah that must be it your gay and you won't admit it. But as I said earlier I have absolutely no desire for men. I am totally attracted to woman. I doubt my own mind yet I know my instincts. I'm am slowly cracking up.

big toenails

LilyCullen wrote: »

Hey,

I'm so sorry to hear things are so **** for you now. you just need something small to boost you confidence. Your state of mind will change so much if you get offered a job interview, or just force yourself away from the internet. I know how easy it is to sit on front of the computer all day, but it's so bad for your self esteem.

If you want I can take a look at your CV and help you change it and suggest things if you like.I do it professionally. I'd really like to help you because you're obviously reaching out for it and I'm sure you can change your life. it's never too late and you deserve better.

If you're uncomfortable with sending me your CV you can always take your personal details out.

I really do think you should go talk to someone. Get CBT, it's cognitive behavioural therapy, they'll actively help you change instead of just listening to your problems, I can recommend someone for that too if you want.

Hope this was helpfull
Best of Luck

LC

Thanks LC. I would be interested in that person if you could forward their details to me via pm I would be very grateful. I really do doubt my confidence for beginning a new job. I need a new environment. CBT sounds good.

LilyCullen

Forwarded. :-)

Hopefully it's gonna get better for you from here on out!

SugarHigh

This will sound like I'm making light of your problems but maybe you should start exercising. It will give you goals to work towards and when you achieve them it will build confidence. It's good to have something to focus on.

big toenails

SugarHigh wrote: »

This will sound like I'm making light of your problems but maybe you should start exercising. It will give you goals to work towards and when you achieve them it will build confidence. It's good to have something to focus on.

You're correct there.

LegacyUser

Hi OP

You have already taken a huge step, it may not feel like it but you have, so well done for posting here, it's not easy. You sound like you are ready to take these steps which is fantastic. Please don't listen to negative comments, the one you wuoted earlier.
Yes as some people have suggested do try to talk to someone. As someone suggested CBT is a great, quick and effective form of counselling, maybe give it a try, you have nothing to lose. Also could you confide in anyone? would you be comfortable talking to your GP? So many people go through depression, so you are not alone, and yes you do have all our support here too. Feeling low doesn't have to come from one main place, many times it's due to lots of different things, so try not to worry about the whys now, just take baby steps to get yourself talking to someone.
Make that phonecall, you have come this far and you sound like you are really ready to look after yourself now and to be kind to yourself again.
Well done for coming on here, that is a huge step, and I hope this info helps you in some way.e3e

estar

do you live on your own or with people.

maybe if you have family you should consider moving in with them?

i went through a "stay in my room with the curtans closed phase" and my mother used rip the curtains open at a certain point and literally throw me out the door to get some air. i used go mad, but looking back it was the right thing!!!!

you need to build some new habits. building habits is hard - ie get up at same time every day. go for walk at same time every day. make dinner at same time every day. view internet for an hour maximum. go to bed early. keep a diary recording progress.

then after a month this new habit will have changed your body clock. you will automatically do it. then you build in doing something for someone else every day.

it is vital that we as people do things for other people, I think. we need to think about something other than ourselves. if our intellect is applied inwards, we over analyse ourselves start worrying about tiny defects and start imagining we are gay, for example.

being gay would not cause you to stay in your room. being depressed and having bad habits and being stuck in a rut and in a cycle of "i hate myself Im useless Ill stay in my room"

you need to challenge those thoughts. you are not useless. you are just another human being getting along with things, with some faults and some talents.

what are you good at? what do you enjoy?

when do you think you will be ready to start the new habits?

do you want to be sixty in that room?

LegacyUser

i can relate to the op,when i was in severe depression i spent longtime in forums and chatrooms for company,now looking back i feel very disgusted and ashamed,i engaged in intimate relationships with some these people who i met these places who where 18/19,i was in my early 20s at time,now i feel like a freak looking back on it,one part of me thinks about them people,another makes me feel ashamed,i dont mean i took advantage or lied to them,i just feel really stupid nowadays when i look back on it.

big toenails

totheoOP and estar and to all who have posted here I send warm appreciation. Thank you.

I'm in a similar boat but not as bad as I was before. I've been there though, spent several years out of work or only in part time work (though I've been working full time for the last 3 years). But I still spend large amounts of time online even if I've nothing useful to do. I also live in an apartment alone. While it's cosy to do these things, I'm terribly lonely most of the time, sometimes to the point where it hurts. I'm 26 now and don't want to go into my 30s or 40s like this.

I was discussing this with my therapist yesterday and let something slip that pretty much confirmed my problems. I fear people, I see strangers as a potential threat to me. While I've made so much progress in the last four years this is the one major stumbling block I've been unable to overcome yet. I spend so much time alone as an avoidance or protection mechanism to prevent myself from feeling threatened by the outside world but it's no way to live.

You're not alone out there, just thought I'd share my experience with you.

StarryMoon0

big toenails wrote: »

I often wonder to myself maybe I'm this way because I'm gay and I'm too scared to admit it. But I genuinely do not desire men. I have no inclination that way at all. It seems I've gone so bad that inside my head I'm thinking maybe you are gay to an extent to where I'm saying yeah that must be it your gay and you won't admit it. But as I said earlier I have absolutely no desire for men. I am totally attracted to woman. I doubt my own mind yet I know my instincts. I'm am slowly cracking up.

Can I ask, if you do not desire men at all, why would you think you are gay?

Be well.

StarryMoon0

StarryMoon0 wrote: »

Can I ask, if you do not desire men at all, why would you think you are gay?

Be well.

I can understand why the OP would think this as it occasionally went through my mind too. For me it was because I had no luck with women and as a result a handful of people asked me if I were gay. If enough people say something you start to ask questions. However I know for certain I'm not, had my arms wrapped around a girl last week and loved every minute of it!

coolcat63

StarryMoon0 wrote: »

Can I ask, if you do not desire men at all, why would you think you are gay?

Be well.

The OP is female?

ETD - sorry, just reread the thread and see that the OP is a man. In that case I agree with the above. Apologies again.

big toenails

Hello there,

I'm a 38 year old man. I'm am not in a relationship. I have a 11year old son. His mam and myself were never suited and we split up 10 years ago. I am in constant contact with them both and I have a very special friendship with my son.

I know that some people think I'm gay because I don't socialise with women. I do not go out on the prowl so to speak. I am an exceptionally handsome man and I have a terrific personality but my self esteem is very low. When others drop subtle hints that they think you might be gay well then that's good enough reason for me to be paranoid about my sexuality. As I've said previously I have absolutely no desire for men. I abhor the thought of it. I'm sorry if that offends anyone but that's the truth as I see it.

In the last few days everyday I have gone for long 4 mile walks and I'm starting to get the blood flowing through my brain again. I certainly do feel better within myself. As Bluewolf said on page one if I can work hard on improving myself this phase of my life will become a bad memory. Thanks to all again.

estar

well done on making progress and getting outside for walks. this is brilliant as as a father you not only have yourself to worry about but also being a role model for your son.

keep it up, add a new task to your goal list next week, like arranging to meet a friend for coffee.

just because people think you are gay, doesnt mean you are gay.

StarryMoon0

Karsini wrote: »

I can understand why the OP would think this as it occasionally went through my mind too. For me it was because I had no luck with women and as a result a handful of people asked me if I were gay. If enough people say something you start to ask questions. However I know for certain I'm not, had my arms wrapped around a girl last week and loved every minute of it!

I was just wondering if the OP had a specific reason.
I get your point though

StarryMoon0

big toenails wrote: »

Hello there,
I know that some people think I'm gay because I don't socialise with women. I do not go out on the prowl so to speak. I am an exceptionally handsome man and I have a terrific personality but my self esteem is very low. When others drop subtle hints that they think you might be gay well then that's good enough reason for me to be paranoid about my sexuality. As I've said previously I have absolutely no desire for men. I abhor the thought of it. I'm sorry if that offends anyone but that's the truth as I see it.

Wow, I'm not questioning you at all, but I'm just shocked that people would take this attitude!
Frankly I think that "dropping subtle hints" or questioning your sexuality is a disgusting things for others to do to you. Ok I know, just because I'm shocked, doesn't mean people will stop doing it.
I guess I don't associate with people who would do that type of thing, maybe thats why i find it shocking.

Easier said than done, but you have to just ignore that immature carry on from others. Your sexuality is your business and you seem to be confident of yours, so don't let others let you think differently.