My parents & college...long rant

LegacyUser

I've just turned 21, and started my final year of my undergrad this week. And my parents are making my life horrible. I know the solution always given here is to move out, and next year when I'm finished it'll definitely be on the cards, but right now it isn't an option. I have a part-time job which I've had for the whole of college, and I pay my own way, run my own car etc (essential because of where I live). So basically I'm not depending on my parents financially at all.

The problem is that they (my dad in particular) are completely obsessed with education. Of course this has caused trouble over the years eg. in 6th year when I was never let out of the house because of the leaving cert, but I could handle it then because as I saw it, I was still a kid and had to do what they said. Education is of course extremely important, I don't disagree with him on that but it's the extent to which he goes that's the problem.

But now, I'm 21. The last two years of college have been fairly good, I've had near enough complete freedom. As I've said I have my own job so I've never asked my parents for money to go out, run my car etc. But now, it's a different story. In my opinion, I've been doing well in college. Averaging a 2.1, which I think is good considering the amount of hours I work compared with friends and classmates. However, my parents aren't happy with my grades.

The last few weeks have been hell with them telling me I can't go out, have to focus, have to study, that I'll have ruined my life unless i get a first class degree (exact words). It's so much stress on top of how I'm feeling about it being my final year anyway. I know it's important. I know that it's my top priority for the next 9months, no question. But I hate this being treated like a child. My dad has told me I'm not allowed to go out more than one night a week and at that, I have to be home by 11 (when I say go out, I don't mean to nightclubs etc, i very rarely do that. It's more a case of going to my boyfriends house for the evening, or to the cinema with friends, so it's not like I'm getting in at 3am then up for college at 9!), which is ridiculous. He's not an easy person to talk to, he gets angry very easily and is very set in his ways so even a rational sit down chat will turn into him shouting at me that I'm messing up my life, and in turn me gettin upset and the two of us shouting at each other.

Obviously, he can't physically stop me leaving the house. But it's the thought of the arguments, the cold shoulder, the snide comments (eg. oh we'll see how happy you'll be when you get your results next summer) when I get home, that's putting me off going anywhere and making me upset and stressed. Already in the last 2 weeks I've turned down offers of going out, and I'm not even sure if it's because I myself want to get work done, or because I'm scared of the reaction I'll get when I say I'm going out.

He's said some really hurtful things over the summer, including that I've already messed up my life, that I havn't achieved anything, that he doesn't believe I can get a first no matter how hard I try etc. Basically his view is that, unless I get a first, I'm not going to amount to anything in life.

I just don't know what to do. As I've said I can't really move out. Despite the way things are at home, it'd mess me up even more as I'd have to work more hours to cover rent and try to adjust to living somewhere else while studying and doing my thesis etc. My friends don't really understand, as they are all from families where they are seen and treated as adults and allowed to make their own choices, whatever they are (they live at home too btw). Obviously they don't push me to go out places with them or make me feel bad, they're supportive, but they just don't understand why I'm taking it. It's already gotten to the point where I'd rather not go to something I want to go to, rather than go and face my dad at home.

I'm not even sure what I want to get from posting here just needed to write it all down...I normally talk to my boyfriend about this but he's away and I can't, so needed to vent..
Sorry for the really long post.

tinkerbell

Ok OP, I know it's always said on here "move out" blah blah, but quite often, it just isn't possible to move out. Especially in your position.

I would advise that you sit down with your parents and tell them that you will no longer be accepting this constant torment and put-downs from them. Tell them you are working your ass off and it is not possible to study all day every day. In fact, it is none of their concern whether you get a 1.1 or a 2.1. If you don't plan on relying on them once you are out of college, then they have no leg to stand on.

Also, I know people might say "but you're living under their roof" but nobody should have to put up with snide comments, being told that they have to be home by 11 when they are 21 yrs old, etc. The next time they say something mean to you, I would tell them that you are not a baby, you are putting in the work, you know what work is required of you, they don't, and that you would appreciate it if they are more supportive. Tell them that you are an adult and they cannot tell you what to do, where to go, who to see, and what time to be home at. You are no longer a teenager, you are now an adult.

If you continue letting them walk all over you, they will still see you as a baby and think they can rule your life. You have to put a stop to that. Each time they say crap to you, tell them that you do not appreciate it, and until they are respectful that you will not speak to them. If they keep going on, just walk out of the room and ignore them. Seriously, you've enough on your plate trying to get final year out of the way, work and study, so you don't need to be getting this crap at home.

So start standing up for yourself, they might cut the crap then when they realise that they can't walk all over you. I mean, telling you what you can and cannot do when you are 21, that is ridiculous.

astra2000

Hi op well done with your studys sounds like you have a good level head on you and will do well.
I think maybe your father just wants you to do well and is worried for you and your future but is going the wrong way about showing it. As someone who did not take the opportunity to have a third level education I know from first hand experience how much more this can limit you in a career and earning power. Most parents want their children to do better and have more opportunities than they had, could this be true for your dad? It does sound as if your parents are worried for you especially as it is your final year, and that they are finding it hard to let go and trust you to make your own decisions. Tbh it does not sound like you have a lot of options and I know that a year can sound like a long time but trust me it will pass quickly.
Your dad does love and cares very much about your future but is showing that in a very bad way .Try and talk to him let him know how much this is upsetting you or maybe you could ask a family member to speak with him.

CDfm

OP -this reminds me of my own parents. My mother was obsessed with education and my father was the master of the snide comment. His doom ridden "motivational" chats were just awful.

With kids of my own and one at college - I would never go that route with my kids.

This is emotional blackmail and you have to "stand" up for your self. Not in a confrontational way but in an adult way. Man this really must kill your self esteem and as an adult it makes it harder to work if you are not happy. You have a fairly balanced life my man and most parents would love to have a son like you. If there were son of the year awards you would get my vote.

Do you have a counselling facility in your college and is it possible that there may be a hardship fund etc that you can access to fund leaving home.

Do you have any older brothers, aunts or uncles that you can go to for help.

I feel you need to get an ally from somewhere and get this on as college years are meant to be happier than what you describe.

Penn

OP, grades don't mean a whole lot. I got a 2.2 when I finished, but I was still hired for my current job ahead of people who got higher grades than me, people in my own class. You seem fairly level headed and to be averaging a 2.1 is brilliant, no matter what your parents say.

You need to sit them down and say that, at 21 years of age, your grades are your responsibility. If you do bad, then its your fault. But reassure them that you always try your hardest but with no outlet or release from your studies every now and again, and the constant fighting and snide comments, it's going to be worse for you in the long run. When people get overly stressed, that's when mistakes happen

Jo King

Tell your parents that you have decided to drop out of college completely. Say that you have changed your mind about the course, that you will probably get married and there is no pint is having a degree. They will suddenly get very concerned and try to help.

i-digress

That sounds like an awful position to be in OP. Your parents may mean to be helpful, spurring you on to achieve great things, but what they're actually doing is making you miserable. Explain this to them, they might be shocked to realise what an effect they're having.

If you can't move out, you're going to have to stand up to them. They're treating you like a child, and you need to demand to be treated as an adult.

Easier said than done, though. It's a horrid thing living in a toxic environment.

LegacyUser

OP here.

Thank you very much for all your replies, it's nice to hear that I'm not "in the wrong" so to speak about how I feel about this.

I know that the reason they're being like this is that they want the absolute best for me. Unfortunately, my views of the absolute best aren't the same as their's, I'd much rather have a balanced life than focus on nothing but my college work and be unhappy.

I've been trying not to take it from them. Whenever they say anything, I say that it's my life therefore my choice etc. That I'm 21 years old, and I have to be left to make my own decisions, but they just say that I've had my chance the last two years and that I havn't "delivered". I'm not completely going against everything they say, I agree 100% that I need to focus more this year. It's more the extent to which they go. In their view unless I cut out the social stuff completely I'm wasting time and not giving it my full effort. I'm lucky in that I'm a pretty strong person when it comes to my self-esteem, I don't let my dad saying that I've already ruined my life effect me personally. I know that it's his problem that he's behaving that way, not mine. Although, it does obviously upset me at the same.

With regards to the poster who replied that I should tell them I'm dropping out of college, when I told them my grades for last summer, my dad told me that he was advising me to drop out of college completely and reevaluate what I want because I wasn't going anywhere. I love my course, so I obviously point blank refused and was shocked that he'd even suggest it.

The really ironic thing is that in the quest to make me the best academically, they've probably damaged my chances at getting into postgrad courses etc, at least straight away. They discouraged any extra-curricular activites when I was at school, told me I couldn't apply to be a prefect in school because of the extra duties (despite a teacher coming up to me and asking why I hadn't applied), and they're the type of things postgrad courses, at least in my area, look for to see if you are well developed etc. As has been said, it's not all about grades.

I'm going to try and talk to them again the next time it comes up, and explain how much it's stressing me out. Thank you again for your replies.

CDfm

OP - you are a good guy. Nobody deserves to be treated like this and it is counter productive as what you are learning is how to cope with being bullied and not with being assertive.

I have a friend in industry and his work sent him for Cognative Behaviour Therapy because a melodramatic colleague of his behavior would set him off.

He is very senior and at the top of his profession.

Like, even how will you even have a girlfriend under this regime.

Moomoo1

CDfm wrote: »

Like, even how will you even have a girlfriend under this regime.

I think the OP's boyfriend might have something to say if she went and got a girlfriend

OP, I'd just tell your parents that you can't work effectively if you don't get to go out at night at let off steam. This is (a) true and (b) quite hard to argue against. And then just keep insisting on that.

If your parents are obsessed with you getting a 1st, why aren't they paying you so you don't have to work part time? It's a bit hypocritical of them to expect you to get a first whilst knowing that you are at a disadvantage to your classmates.

CDfm

Moomoo1 wrote: »

I think the OP's boyfriend might have something to say if she went and got a girlfriend

Wow even worse.

I have a 17 y/o daughter too. I could not imagine not being friends with her.

Still the basics are the same - no one has the right to treat another adult like that.

Motley Crue

Unregistered wrote: »

But now, I'm 21. The last two years of college have been fairly good, I've had near enough complete freedom. As I've said I have my own job so I've never asked my parents for money to go out, run my car etc. But now, it's a different story.

Exactly, you are still under their roof, and unless you are paying for your own share of the bills, washing, food, mortgage/rent etc then you are not living on your own. And you're a 21 year old girl and probably either their only girl or the oldest in the family and they're just being protective and caring parents. No curfews? No telling you who you can't hang around with? I think you have it fairly lucky tbh

Unregistered wrote: »

In my opinion, I've been doing well in college. Averaging a 2.1, which I think is good considering the amount of hours I work compared with friends and classmates. However, my parents aren't happy with my grades.

In your opinion - OK, but you aren't qualified yet so actually you could physically do better. You're parents will want A++ if you come home with an A+ and it's always possible to do better....as far as your parents are concerned. Think about it this way, what would you feel like if they just gave up and said nothing about college and didn't care?

Why do you spend so much time with your classmates, and working, and doing extra shifts....when you only have college for a few years and you only really get one shot at it

LegacyUser

Motley Crue wrote: »

Why do you spend so much time with your classmates, and working, and doing extra shifts....when you only have college for a few years and you only really get one shot at it

OP here. While the rest of your points are valid, I have to take you up on this. I do not spend an exceptional amount of time with my classmates or my other friends. I've already said that I would rarely go out on late nights out boozing etc, the main time i see my friends is actually in college. And I work because I have to. I didn't want to work during my final year, and my parents told me in no uncertain terms that I had to keep it up because they can't afford to finance me, which is completely understandable. I work the minimum amount of hours my part-time contract allows during the college year. I don't work extra shifts either, so I don't know where you got that from.

dan_d

Op...stall the ball here.

Right. Firstly, did your parents go to college? What's their level of education?

Secondly, you and your parents have to understand that what they think is best for you, is not always actually the best for you. You said it in your last post - I know I haven't delivered, I know I have to focus. How exactly have you not delivered? What did you do? Did you fail an exam? Not get enough points in your leaving? What? Is that you speaking or is that your parents speaking?

A 2:1 is good. It's better than good. Most companies want employees with firsts or 2:1.There's not much to choose between them, and if you are holding down a job aswell, I'd be very, very happy with maintaining that average.

It's a bit hypocritical of your parents to be obsessed with education, and want you to get a first, but refusing to fund your education and expect you to hold down a job aswell.


It's your life. Your parents want the best for you, which is fine. But they're delivering their message all wrong. And you're an adult. So maybe it's time there was a very, very serious chat in your house. One where you say very calmly, that you are an adult, that you have focused a lot in recent years, that you've done well, and that, this being your final year and the last chance you'll have to be with your friends, you're going to study hard, but you are entitled to take a break. You are entitled to spend a couple of evenings a week in your boyfriends house, and go out one or two nights with your friends. Make that very, very clear. And closer to the exams, you will naturally stop that (you'll have to anyway, just to get the work done to be honest).But you'd appreciate that they would accept that you know what you're doing, and you're going to try your hardest. And that it's hard enough trying to hold a job and get top marks in college without any comments or remarks being passed. Tell them you've enough pressure put on yourself, without having to deal with the pressure they put on you too.

You might also point out that interviewers want to see extra curricular stuff on your CV. They like to see that you're involved with team sports, have outside interests especially outside interests that involved some measure of responsibility or organisation. I have a friend who got a first every year in college. I got 2:1. When we got out of college, we both were interviewed by the same company. I was offered the job 2 days later. She wasn't.3 weeks after the interview, she got a letter saying she hadn't got the job. On the same day, they rang her and told her to ignore the letter, they'd offer a job to her. I had turned down the offer, for reasons of my own. She's still with the company, hasn't progressed with them, and has not received the same training/pay increases that those who came in at the same time as her did. It's quite clear they took her to fill the place of people who had turned down the offer.Her grades evidently didn't matter much at all - they didn't think she, as a person, was right for them as a company.


For what it's worth, I think you should initiate the discussion - tell them you want to sit down and talk to them about this.Don't wait for them to bring it up in irritation and it to become a shouting match.

As for the other stuff OP, I don't mean to scare you and don't try and take up loads of things in final year for your CV, but you should think next year about taking up a couple of hobbies, because employers do actually want to see a more rounded person (and I'm job hunting right now, so I'm looking into this a lot).

The biggest thing you often realise at this stage of your life and in near-future years, is that your parents, while meaning well, are not actually always right. I've found that mine advise me as to what they think is right, and I know they mean well, and I do take their advice on board - but sometimes their advice is just not right for me and where I want to go with my life. That's a hard thing to realise, and stand up to.

George Orwell 1982

The college counselling service is free. Talk to them about how to talk to your parents about this.

LegacyUser

OP again

@dan

My dad went to college, but he hates the job he's in now. And always maintains that he could have done better. My mum never did her leaving cert, and went back to do it a few years ago. So I can see where their emphasis on education stems from.

It's my dad saying I havn't delivered. I got a high achievers certificate when I entered college on the basis of my leaving cert points, and I've never once (before or after this) failed an exam. But it's never enough. Even when I got my offer for college, he was disappointed that it wasn't the one he wanted, and made it clear. I've said to them over and over that it's not necessarily all about grades, but about the whole person, when it comes to future employment but they still maintain that I absolutely 100% need a first to get anywhere. I'm taking next year out, to do some travelling and volunteer work in my area of interest, and to basically get that much needed experience to get into a postgrad.

When I talk to them about working and being in college, the solution always is to cut out the time I spend having fun if I don't have enough time to do something. Obviously that has to be done coming up to due dates and exams etc., but they see it as being necessary all the time!!

Thank you very much for all the advice I've gotten here so far. It's made me see things much more clearly.

magneticimpulse

I think its wrong for your parents to constantly nag you. But I suspect they might not have had the same opportunities you have in life and they are hoping you make the most of it.

I think having a job in your final year is very time cosumming. 4th year (at least in my case) was extremely hard and nothing like the previous 3 years. I breezed through 1st - 3rd year with high 2.1 but came 4th year and I felt like I was in a black hole. I didnt even work and spent evenings and weekends in the library.

Maybe your parents are willing to help you out financially this year? Maybe they know that if you do well, you will get a good job and can repay them next year?

My brother just finished his degree and got a 1st. He didnt work half as hard as what I did....but he didnt have a part time job. My parents gave him pocket money and money for his car. He still had a social life and went out at the weekend, but again nothing crazy. Even thou its the recession, my brother has now been offered jobs left right and centre and has had too many job offers.

So maybe you should sit down and discuss with your parents. Maybe reconsider your job for this year? Its only a few months, you have Oct - Dec. Then Feb - May and its over. It might me worth letting them help you financially for this year and repay them next year. Concentrate on your studies, but have a social life too. Discuss with them that you have done x,y,z on your studies and then that Saturday you need a break. Maybe they will be much happier if you just give up the job. I know very few people who were able to study in 4th year and keep a weekend job going. Everybody I know gave up working for the year and most of us were studying, so we were not spending money going out.

I dont think you should make life more difficult. Try to avoid temper tantrums and getting on the wrong side of them. Everything they suggest, say "yes I take that on board"...."but I am doing my best and I feel a break at the weekend is worth more then constantly struggling".

estar

hi there i want to focus on one aspect of your email and that is your communication with your dad you say that he gets angry very easily and it ends up with you shouting at each other. i just wanted to give my advice on how to communicate with somone who cannot handle their temper. i never engage with anyone who is actively angry, i would remain silent if i had to stay in the space with them and let them rant away. when they are finished i would say - i cannot communicate with you when you lose your temper. we can resume talking about it later when it suits you. if he shouts at you, focus on the shouting and draw attention to it, say - you are shouting now and i cant communicate with you when you are shouting, i will sit here and listen to you if you want. remain calm and focused on the message you want to communicate. this is that you are an adult, have to make choices of your own, appreciate very much their support, and their accomodation, love them and wnat their input but at the end of the day need to make your own decisions. i think that you both have a point - you want your freedom and have never given reason for them to doubt you. they are afraid to let go. if you lose your temper you lose the message. be polite during your discussions.

they love you, and they want the best for you. could you ask them to trust you and trust that you can make good decisions.

i dont think going out more than one night a week is necessary in your final year either and also dont think you should be working after christmas unless you cannot survive otherwise.

while they are not right that a 1:1 is essential, it does open doors. if you are capable of it, get it.

philologos

OP: You need to sit down with your parents (both of them) and tell them about how you feel, tell them about your problem, and tell them that you are an adult that you need to be treated like one. I love my parents to bits, but if they began treating me this way (it's my final year also) I would definitely need to set the score straight.

LegacyUser

OP here,

Well, I talked to them. Stayed calm, even though my dad was getting heated. Explained that I'm completely taking on board what they're saying about studying etc and that I realise this year is really important, but that at the end of the day it's going to come down to my own choices for my own life. I said that while I see where they're coming from, and completely respect that, I'm an adult and have to be left make my own decisions.

It's like talking to a brick wall. Especially where my dad's concerned. It's as if he's listening to what I'm saying, but he doesn't allow any of it to penetrate through his opinions. He kept saying that if I didn't do well this year there'd be consequences, and I agreed, but said the consequences will be for my life at the end of the day, not his. This started him off going on about the sacrifices he's made, how much he's given up (he likes to remind us of this), and that if I mess up it will have all been for nothing. I told him that of course I appreciate everything he's done for me and my brother, but it doesn't change the fact that it's my life, and not his, and I can't live just to meet his expectations.

I don't know what to do anymore now. There's absolutely no reasoning with him. Talking to him has made me feel stronger though, and I'm going to do what I want (not meant in a childish way!) at the end of the day.

Ickle Magoo

It may just be a case of biting your tongue and counting down to moving out, OP. Maybe draw a time-line of events and plans so you have a constant reminder that the situation is finite to stop you getting too exasperated and try to save a bit for a deposit so you can at least console yourself that even if moving out now isn't possible, it's not in the too distant future either.

Unfortunately some parents really do see their children as an extension of themselves and find it nigh on impossible to accept their child is their own person with their own hopes, dreams and aspirations. While you do have to spend a lot of time in their company, humouring them while knowing yourself where you are going is perhaps the best policy for now?

All the best

ppink

Your dad sounds like a tough person to please!
If I were you for the sake of peace and sanity I would agree with them for now. If you are going out say you are off to a study group. Dont give them any reason to get on to you. You dont need the hassle really.

I have a 3rd class degree (long story) and never had an issue gettinga job!! In fact no company has ever even asked for my qual's.