Commitmentphobe?

LegacyUser

Ok I think I need to have my head checked! I've been going out with my boyfriend for six months. He treats me with so much respect and care (as I do him), he has a mind of his own, he loves to do different things, and his sense of humour is wicked. I'm in my mid thirties and he's everything I've ever wanted in a man.
Buuuuttt, I keep thinking about a near miss with lovely guy about three years ago. I used to get on like a house on fire with him. He was out with his girlfriend one night, and said to me that he wasn't sure what he thought of her. I said to him 'You have to treat her right' (in my own mind I was thinking 'Don't be leading her on if you're not interested!). He's now engaged to her. I can't help feeling that he was dropping hints that night, in other words he was checking the lay of the land before he made a decision, and probably thought I wasn't interested in him. I was!
I now find myself thinking about this, and wondering what if. Anybody out there have these sorts of thoughts when they met their current partner? I often daydream that it would be nice to spend the rest of my life with my boyfriend, but these thoughts of the other guy are giving me cause to think that I'm not ready to commit to anyone just yet.

thanks for reading

Pwpane

Stop it!

That wasn't a near miss, it was a nothing. You had a lovely friend, even fancied him. He had a girlfriend that he loved enough to want to marry. That's all. No connection.

It was/is all in your own head.

You're indulging in a fantasy, that's not a bit helpful to your real life.

So, stop it!

whatsamsn

This is a classic example of what if's op :pac:
In our minds we like to think that if we changed something in the past it always would end up better. Sad fact of life is that things dont always work out that way, as you know

Just remember you had nothing with this guy from 3 years ago. For all you know yes he might have been hinting, but only for an ego boost. You dont know.

However there is a sense of irony.
You mention that you secretly were thinking "dont be leading her on if you're not interested!" to that guy 3 years ago. Now you are posting your doubts about commiting to your current bf. Even ending your post with "but these thoughts of the other guy are giving me cause to think that I'm not ready to commit to anyone just yet"- which wasnt that guy sharing his doubts?

haha. Irony. It truly is a b*tch as they say :pac:

Distorted

I agree that the incident wasn't a near miss. It might have been if he had actually asked you out and you had refused, but it was a briefly mildly flirtatious exchange. Happens all the time. You can't be doubting your relationship every time this sort of thing happens. Also be aware that some men are more flirty in the security of a relationship but have no intention of following through. Or that the reality is worse than the fantasy - I had a more ongoing flirtation with a guy several years ago and nothing happened because I went abroad for a year. He went out with someone else that he ended up marrying. Then I bumped into him a few times again and exchanged phone numbers, I thought on a friendly basis. Cue him texting or phoning me late at night every six months or so, suggesting to come through and stay the night with me. No mention of his wife and 2 kids. Ugh. And funnily enough, I don't find a middle aged married version of the previous young, single cool guy the same prospect at all (I don't even bother replying).

LegacyUser

whatsamsn wrote: »

However there is a sense of irony.
You mention that you secretly were thinking "dont be leading her on if you're not interested!" to that guy 3 years ago. Now you are posting your doubts about commiting to your current bf. Even ending your post with "but these thoughts of the other guy are giving me cause to think that I'm not ready to commit to anyone just yet"- which wasnt that guy sharing his doubts?

haha. Irony. It truly is a b*tch as they say :pac:

Thanks all for the advice.

whatsamsn, the rest of your advice was grand, but I can't help feeling you only posted to get a dig in so it tarnishes the rest of what you said

LegacyUser

pwpane and distorted, yes I do need a slap in the face to wake me up! I'm the first to tell friends to be realistic about things. With me, nothing ever happened with this other guy, so why should I feel that something would have happened?
This is my first time to be in a relationship where everything is going really well. I've grown into myself and can actually handle the closeness. We even went on holidays, and it went really well despite lots of travelling, catching trains between cities etc.

I think it's about time I grew up!

Thanks again for the advice

whatsamsn

whatif2010 wrote: »

Thanks all for the advice.

whatsamsn, the rest of your advice was grand, but I can't help feeling you only posted to get a dig in so it tarnishes the rest of what you said

nah, it wasnt a dig. Was just posting about the irony of it. hence my little pacman guy = :pac: