Aunts husband gay?

cooltown · 22-09-2010 1:37am #1

Hi! I am gay myself . I'm not out yet ir nothing just wondering what to do. I was at my aunts on Sunday and was using here lap top. I went onto gaire.ie and I noticed that there was a message in the inbox and was like I must have forgot to log out since the last time I was here. Just as I was about to open the message I noticed it was a different account. Then I went and clicked details and all his details were on it.
So I was kind of pis*ed of with him then because I felt he was cheating on my aunt so I clicked into the history of the computer and noticed that he was going onto loads of different gay chat sites and porn.
The thing is he has being diagnosed with cancer a few weeks ago. So should I do something or say nothing?

scientific1982 · 22-09-2010 6:25am

Not really your place to say anything. The man could be bi and perfectly happy in his marriage.

Pdfile · 22-09-2010 6:30am

scientific1982 wrote: »

Not really your place to say anything. The man could be bi and perfectly happy in his marriage.

<SNIP>

Scientific is right though... give it a few days and see how things pan out...

seamus · 22-09-2010 8:53am

cooltown wrote: »

So should I do something or say nothing?

You're gay yourself. So you should know that outing someone is never the correct course of action, ever.

If you know the guy well enough to speak to him, perhaps let him know what you saw and that he can confide in you, but I wouldn't go any further than that. Even at that, I would leave it be; you might end up not providing anyone with any new information but disturbing the bee's nest and getting stung for it.

curlzy · 22-09-2010 9:23am

Outting someone is NEVER ok, as a gay man who's still in the closet you should know this, kinda shocked by your lack of empathy to be honest.:( The guy has cancer too, where's your compassion? I know you're worried about your Aunt but in fairness it may well be that he's Bisexual and this is an outlet for him, if you must meddle just talk to him but for god's sake, they (your Aunt and Husband) have enough on their plate without you sticking your oar in. For all you know she may be aware he has bi tendancies and is ok with the situation.

weiland79 · 22-09-2010 9:27am

I implore you to leave this alone. You may think that you know your auntie, but the fact of it is that what goes on behind closed doors should stay there. How do you know your auntie isn't aware of the situation, or that perhaps she encourages it or on some level partakes.

Say nothing.

seenitall · 22-09-2010 10:38am

Surprised at the number of posters who are going "leave the man and his double life alone, he has enough on his plate". I'd say! :rolleyes:

It is disingenuous to say that this is about outing someone; it isn't, and it shouldn't be the focus of attention at all.

This is about someone doing something wholly inappropriate for a married person behind their spouses back, be they straight, gay or bi. If she doesn't know about it, then she should. I know I would want to know, if I were her, cancer or no cancer. And if she does know about it, well then she won't be too upset if the OP has a quick word about what he saw, will she?

Kevo · 22-09-2010 10:39am

I think you should try to forget about it. It's his business and he's going through a tough time with his health. Even if he wasn't I'd still think it's not any of your business.

seamus · 22-09-2010 10:51am

seenitall wrote: »

And if she does know about it, well then she won't be too upset if the OP has a quick word about what he saw, will she?

Oh dear.....
She may be more upset that he's said it than if he doesn't say it. It goes on all over the country - couples have secrets that they do not tell anyone else. This could be that the man likes to get his jollies meeting men in secret, or both of them enjoying going swinging or that they like to get prostitutes in so the husband can watch his wife having sex with another woman.
Often it can be as simple as a wife knowing that her husband has sex with other women, but so long as he treats her right and continues to put food on the table, she turns a blind eye to it - he's getting his sexual urges sorted elsewhere but he still comes home to the woman he loves.

This isn't a niche thing that rarely happens - a lot of older couples operate in this manner.

"Exposing" this behaviour can result in a massive backlash because the couple's otherwise private lives are now public knowledge and far from having his Aunt turn around and say, "Ah it's grand, I know, don't worry about it", they can go into super-denial mode, resulting in a massive family rift and possibly even resulting in the OP himself being "outed" by his family, whether they know or not.

I'm going to put it another way: She's his wife. She knows him better than anyone else on the planet. So she definitely knows that he's gay or bi, but she's chosen to subconsciously deny it, ignore it for the sake of family, or they have embraced it and keep it secret.
At best, telling her will result in her asking you to keep a secret. At worst, it will blow up in your face.
No good can come of telling her.

seenitall · 22-09-2010 11:03am

seamus wrote: »

I'm going to put it another way: She's his wife. She knows him better than anyone else on the planet. So she definitely knows that he's gay or bi, but she's chosen to subconsciously deny it, ignore it for the sake of family, or they have embraced it and keep it secret.

For someone who seems to know so much about what goes on in marriages up and down the country, this is a very naive thing to assert.

Just because something happens all over the place and often, still doesn't make it right, unless it is consensual, which we still don't know, in spite of seamus's confident assertions.

It would take courage for you to do anything about this issue, OP. Therefore I won't offer any further advice. The easiest thing would be to "let sleeping dogs lie", and to be perfectly honest, I would be in quite a conundrum myself as to what to do. Which differs from knowing what the right thing to do is. You have my opinion on that already.

seamus · 22-09-2010 11:21am

seenitall wrote: »

For someone who seems to know so much about what goes on in marriages up and down the country, this is a very naive thing to assert.

"Definitely" is wrong, I concede, but it is far more likely that she does know than she doesn't. To assert otherwise would be very naive.

seenitall · 22-09-2010 11:36am

seamus wrote: »

"Definitely" is wrong, I concede, but it is far more likely that she does know than she doesn't. To assert otherwise would be very naive.

I hope you don't understand that with your attitude you are being insulting to every person who is being, or has been cheated on with no consent of their own, which goes on a helluva lot more than consensual abberations (if we are playing at wild conjectures wrapped up in confident assertions). Naive... pfft.

cooltown · 22-09-2010 12:39pm

I don't want to out him. I actually like the guy alot. He is sound out. I am just kind of pissed with him for what he doing to my aunt. I don't know what to do! Is he best option just to say nothing so?

MrsA · 22-09-2010 5:36pm

cooltown wrote: »

I don't want to out him. I actually like the guy alot. He is sound out. I am just kind of pissed with him for what he doing to my aunt. I don't know what to do! Is he best option just to say nothing so?

How can you be so sure that your Aunt does not know? Honestly, if he is going to leave some sort of Gay site logged in on the laptop it is not like he is actively hiding it is he?

What are you thinking of saying? What business is it of yours, honestly? If you feel you have to say something well then talk to him, tell him you are Gay and go from there.

jimmycrackcorm · 22-09-2010 6:34pm

cooltown wrote: »

I don't want to out him. I actually like the guy alot. He is sound out. I am just kind of pissed with him for what he doing to my aunt. I don't know what to do! Is he best option just to say nothing so?

It's none of your business to interfere in their marriage. You don't know anything other than he has gone on to gay chat and porn sites - he could be curious or it could be a fantasy that he gets a kick out off.

Zen65 · 22-09-2010 8:46pm

cooltown wrote: »

I don't know what to do! Is he best option just to say nothing so?

You know only that he has an account on gaire.ie, and that the laptop was used to access several gay chat & porn sites, nothing more.

It is not for you to pass comment on this. If you had found evidence that the laptop had been used to visit (straight) porn sites, would you be rushing to ell anyone? Do you think that because it's gay websites you can declare yourself the gay police?

Live your own life, and as long as no crimes are being committed do not enforce your morality on others.

Be at peace,

Z

sam34 · 22-09-2010 9:03pm

why on earth do you think someone's sexual orientation and practice is any of your business?

up for anything · 22-09-2010 10:17pm

I'm gobsmacked by everybody being in almost complete agreement with leaving things be and not saying anything. I think it is your aunt's business. It doesn't matter if they are 60 or 20. Their age and the length of the marriage has nothing to do with it. As for her knowing/having suspicions - doesn't the saying go that the wife is always the last to know (or to be PC, the husband). If he is gay or is testing the water, I think she should know. His cancer is a side issue. If she doesn't know and he is, her marriage is complete lie without her knowing it.

Maybe you should speak to him and tell him what you found and leave the ball in his court.

cooltown · 22-09-2010 11:40pm

I know what I am going to do. I am going to leave evrything alone now because of his cancer and I'll see how things get over the next few weeks/months! If he does act on his feelings I won't care as long as he is happy and my aunt.

LegacyUser · 23-09-2010 12:49am

up for anything wrote: »

I'm gobsmacked by everybody being in almost complete agreement with leaving things be and not saying anything. I think it is your aunt's business. It doesn't matter if they are 60 or 20. Their age and the length of the marriage has nothing to do with it. As for her knowing/having suspicions - doesn't the saying go that the wife is always the last to know (or to be PC, the husband). If he is gay or is testing the water, I think she should know. His cancer is a side issue. If she doesn't know and he is, her marriage is complete lie without her knowing it.

Maybe you should speak to him and tell him what you found and leave the ball in his court.

The world is full of interfering old codgers. This is nobodies business but the man in question. Perhaps the aunt has a right to know but the only person fit to tell her is the man himself.

Boskowski · 23-09-2010 1:16am

seenitall wrote: »

Surprised at the number of posters who are going "leave the man and his double life alone, he has enough on his plate". I'd say! :rolleyes:

It is disingenuous to say that this is about outing someone; it isn't, and it shouldn't be the focus of attention at all.

This is about someone doing something wholly inappropriate for a married person behind their spouses back, be they straight, gay or bi. If she doesn't know about it, then she should. I know I would want to know, if I were her, cancer or no cancer. And if she does know about it, well then she won't be too upset if the OP has a quick word about what he saw, will she?

From which century were you teleported into the now and here?
I bet you any money a huge amount of people look at porn on the web with or without their spouses knowledge and unless you're the newly instated moral police how is it up to you to decide what's inappropriate behaviour for anyone?

OP leave it alone. I feel the same as someone else who said how could a closet gay seriously contemplate outing someone else. That is double standard of the highest order.

seenitall · 23-09-2010 1:15pm

Boskowski wrote: »

From which century were you teleported into the now and here?
I bet you any money a huge amount of people look at porn on the web with or without their spouses knowledge and unless you're the newly instated moral police how is it up to you to decide what's inappropriate behaviour for anyone?

OP leave it alone. I feel the same as someone else who said how could a closet gay seriously contemplate outing someone else. That is double standard of the highest order.

Sadly, I am from the same century you are from.

This isn't about looking at the porn on the web, this is about having an account on a dating/romantic communication website, as far as I understood. Which is completely wrong for a married person to do, no matter what century you happen to be from.

And this, again, is NOT about outing anyone - it is about the knowledge of betrayal of a relative and not knowing what to do about the information. I would be saying all the exact same things I have been saying on here if the guy was as staright as a die and as fit as a fiddle.

You don't have to be moral police to have a conscience.

up for anything · 24-09-2010 7:10pm

youarenotodd wrote: »

The world is full of interfering old codgers. This is nobodies business but the man in question. Perhaps the aunt has a right to know but the only person fit to tell her is the man himself.

You're absolutely 100% right. I'm so dumb. After all, why should should her own flesh and blood not let her know that her darling husband is joined up to and receiving messages on a gay dating site and cruising other gay chat sites and porn. It's a small step from chatting on sites to meeting people from those sites.

Who says that he will ever tell her! What if he does carry through and meet someone. Most couples of what I imagine their age to be do not use condoms so she may eventually discover the truth herself when she is diagnosed with a nice, little STI because as we all know condoms are not 100% safe. Lucky her.

up for anything · 24-09-2010 7:14pm

Boskowski wrote: »

OP leave it alone. I feel the same as someone else who said how could a closet gay seriously contemplate outing someone else. That is double standard of the highest order.

This a lorry load of bullshit. It's not about outing the man, it's about letting someone know that their trust is being abused. If he is outed in the process it's his tough.

Most people have no problem with a certain amount porn within a relationship but they do have a problem with someone chatting to others in a sexual manner and for those someones to be of the same sex.

Zen65 · 24-09-2010 9:17pm

up for anything wrote: »

Most people have no problem with a certain amount porn within a relationship but they do have a problem with someone chatting to others in a sexual manner and for those someones to be of the same sex.

So, there's different morality standards depending on sexual orientation? It would be less of an issue if this uncle was on a straight dating website?

I have not seen anything yet to show that the uncle did anything other than open an account on the dating website. I have accounts on Bebo & MySpace, but I never actively use them. They simply provided me with a way to monitor potential bullying against my kids, when they were young enough that I needed to monitor their internet activity. I don't have an account on a dating website because I have no practical application for one, and I would not be entertained to have an account just to read personal ads. Some people feel otherwise.

There's a lot of presumption between the facts that are known and the accusation that is levelled against uncle.

Be at peace,

Z

Zen65 · 24-09-2010 9:27pm

up for anything wrote: »

If he is gay or is testing the water, I think she should know. His cancer is a side issue. If she doesn't know and he is, her marriage is complete lie without her knowing it.

His cancer is a side issue??

Have you ever seen or cared for a person going through cancer treatment? I have, and I could never describe it as a "side issue" for anybody. It absorbs every waking minute of the life of the person afflicted, and their carers. It will require the love and patience of this man's wife to help him through the times he is soon to face, but you have an issue with the morality of the man based on ... what?

OP seems to understand that even if uncle has a wandering eye (and that's never been established; all that OP knows is that he opened an account.... or at least there is an account in his name), this is not the time to raise the issue (if ever there is a time).

OP would not be forgiven by raising the matter now. If uncle lives through the treatment then maybe there's an opportunity to discuss this with him. If he doesn't .... should OP act to damage the marriage with premature allegations at this time?

Be at peace,

Z

cooltown · 24-09-2010 9:47pm

There is judt to much going on to do anything! So I am nt going to bother. They also seem happy together so I see no point of destroying there relationship. I actually feel sorry for him if he is gay I just feel sorry for him for not acting on is feeling. I actually think that he is a brillant man because he had the strength to cover up his feelings all these years. He wouldn't have being accepted if he was gay by his parents and I won't be accepted by my parents if I chose to come out.

up for anything · 24-09-2010 10:58pm

Zen65 wrote: »

So, there's different morality standards depending on sexual orientation? It would be less of an issue if this uncle was on a straight dating website?

I have not seen anything yet to show that the uncle did anything other than open an account on the dating website.

There's a lot of presumption between the facts that are known and the accusation that is levelled against uncle.

Be at peace,

Z

For someone who says 'be at peace' you're doing a fine job of winding me up!

I didn't say it would be less of an issue if he was on a girlie site. You are putting words in my mouth. It would be an equal issue with a different dimension for the aunt.

He did more than open an account. The OP said:

I went onto gaire.ie and I noticed that there was a message in the inbox and was like I must have forgot to log out since the last time I was here. Just as I was about to open the message I noticed it was a different account. Then I went and clicked details and all his details were on it.
So I was kind of pis*ed of with him then because I felt he was cheating on my aunt so I clicked into the history of the computer and noticed that he was going onto loads of different gay chat sites and porn.

Curiosity/entertainment maybe... but the fact that he isn't spending his time looking at 'ordinary' porn speaks volumes.

Zen65 wrote: »

His cancer is a side issue??

Have you ever seen or cared for a person going through cancer treatment? I have, and I could never describe it as a "side issue" for anybody. It absorbs every waking minute of the life of the person afflicted, and their carers. It will require the love and patience of this man's wife to help him through the times he is soon to face, but you have an issue with the morality of the man based on ... what?

Z

Yes, his cancer is a side issue to the question raised by the OP but that is in my opinion and only my opinion. I haven't had to care for someone with cancer but if I discovered that I had devoted every waking minute, and love and patience to help my partner though his illness, I would be very angry and bitter to discover that he was not the person I thought he was. It could well become a cancer of the mind for the carer. Cancer doesn't automatically turn him into a good guy just by virtue of the disease.

I realise that we are replying to the OP based on the little information that he has given us and all is just conjecture. The OP seems to have made his mind up as to the course of action he is going to take based on a number of factors but I worry about how his admiration of someone who may have been living a lie for so many years will affect his own way of dealing with his sexuality.

Be at war.

UFA.

Zen65 · 25-09-2010 3:12pm

up for anything wrote: »

Yes, his cancer is a side issue to the question raised by the OP but that is in my opinion and only my opinion. I haven't had to care for someone with cancer but if I discovered that I had devoted every waking minute, and love and patience to help my partner though his illness, I would be very angry and bitter to discover that he was not the person I thought he was. It could well become a cancer of the mind for the carer. Cancer doesn't automatically turn him into a good guy just by virtue of the disease.

I realise that we are replying to the OP based on the little information that he has given us and all is just conjecture. The OP seems to have made his mind up as to the course of action he is going to take based on a number of factors but I worry about how his admiration of someone who may have been living a lie for so many years will affect his own way of dealing with his sexuality.

I understand what you are saying, but OP did not ask anyone to pass judgement on the uncle. OP only asked one question, whether or not to say something about what he found on the laptop.

In that context, the issue of the cancer is not a side issue, it is a critical issue in determining whether or not an intervention is warranted. The issue of insufficient evidence is also a factor.

Helping OP to deal with his own sexuality was not asked, and OP knows this is a side issue.

In determining whether or not to speak (to aunt about uncle) the context of the situation is everything. Maybe uncle has long time held gay fantasies & never acted on them, but now wonders whether he missed out on something in his life, with mortality facing him in a way you have never had to deal with?

We don't know. But to use such limited evidence to potentially damage the relationship between uncle & aunt is probably unwarranted at any time, and most definitely it would be unacceptable now. If OP followed that course he would very likely be alienated by the entire family.

And genuinely, when I say "be at peace" it is not a wind-up. I am expressing the hope that you will not be personally be troubled by my post, as it is not intended in a judgemental nor antagonistic way.

Sincerely, be at peace,

Z

LighterGuy · 25-09-2010 3:44pm

Hmm, a sense of irony.
You are a gay man, you are not out of the closest.
You are asking if it is ok to out your aunts husband? ... surely you yourself know what could happen.

I know you probably feel bad for your aunt. After all she is your aunt. He is just her husband.

But you really should not say anything here. You would open up a can of worms. Not to mention you being on the same side of the coin as him.

seenitall · 25-09-2010 7:50pm

LighterGuy wrote: »

Hmm, a sense of irony.
You are a gay man, you are not out of the closest.
You are asking if it is ok to out your aunts husband? ... surely you yourself know what could happen.

I know you probably feel bad for your aunt. After all she is your aunt. He is just her husband.

But you really should not say anything here. You would open up a can of worms. Not to mention you being on the same side of the coin as him.

But OP is not "on the same side of the cojn" as this guy. He is NOT MARRIED!

LighterGuy · 26-09-2010 3:43am

I was referring to him being in the closet as his aunts husband is too. The op isnt openly gay. I would imagine he would hate to be outed to everyone by someone else. But .... i understand that op isnt in a relationship. And thats the problem.

Op the best advice anyone can give you is that you have to weigh up the siutation.

- If you tell, you could potentially ruin her marriage. But you were doing an honest thing by letting her know.
- If you dont tell and it comes out, and more importantly it comes out you knew! .. thats seen as worse.

Its a tough call. But the more I actually think about it.... you're probably better off telling. She is your aunt. Blood is thicker than water. Its a safe bet to assume he has had sex with other men in the marriage. He is currently active on the site. In thus doing so, I dont think he would have an objection with having sex with other women as well.

Its about weighing up the pros and cons.
There is a lot of cons by not telling. He could end up getting caught at some point, he could of even cheated with other women.... etc.

Tell. I think its the most logically thing to do. And who knows, for all you know she might know about it. Fine with it. I doubt it. Its a small possibility. Even if she does, by telling her it wont cause any harm then.

Zen65 · 26-09-2010 2:14pm

LighterGuy wrote: »

Its a safe bet to assume he has had sex with other men in the marriage. He is currently active on the site. In thus doing so, I dont think he would have an objection with having sex with other women as well.

It is?

Really?

I've looked at over 2,000 cars for sale on the internet, but I've never bought one online. But if you saw all those pages in my history you'd safely assume that I had.

There's just too many assumptions being made here for me to be comfortable with some of the advice being offered to OP.

When you make an assumption, you make an "ass" out of "u" and "mption". {Pulp Fiction}

Be at peace,

Z

LighterGuy · 26-09-2010 2:31pm

I know what you are saying Zen.
But... this isnt like looking around at so many cars on the internet. This is being currently active on a gay site in which gay men to meet people up on such site.

Thats a good quote from Pulp Fiction

but here is an even better one thats years old: "actions speak louder than words" - his action is that he is on a gay site that many men use to hook up.

Its a tough situation to come down on.

lolli · 26-09-2010 5:00pm

Do your aunt and uncle have children? Maybe one of their children is gay and has been looking up these sites.

Maybe your aunt and uncle have an idea that your gay as you have used their computer before. Perhaps they said a Gaire account to see if you are on that website. Perhaps they have being looking up gay websites as they are curious about it. I don't think it necessarily means that someone is gay. It could be about curiosity.

cooltown · 26-09-2010 5:05pm

Hi! I know his user name for his account and I just checked it out today. He is looking for guys aged between 18-25 and all the information about him seems right and he last activated his account yesterday. He is prob bi. I don't think i'll do anything about it because it will just cause pain for the family and he is starting his treatment this week. I had to discover this tough. I have my own problems and I justdon't need this to deal with!

omahaid · 26-09-2010 6:00pm

cooltown wrote: »

I have my own problems and I justdon't need this to deal with!

Then don't. The guy has cancer. You realise how serious that is? You are behaving like a 5 year old child, do everyone a favour and move on. And no offence, but do you have problems as serious as cancer? If not then leave the guy alone.

seenitall · 26-09-2010 7:12pm

omahaid wrote: »

Then don't. The guy has cancer. You realise how serious that is? You are behaving like a 5 year old child, do everyone a favour and move on. And no offence, but do you have problems as serious as cancer? If not then leave the guy alone.

OMG. And his aunt has a cancer stricken gay husband on her hands who is looking for boys on-line. But she should just get on with it in blessed ignorance, right? :rolleyes:

omahaid · 26-09-2010 7:22pm

seenitall wrote: »

OMG. And his aunt has a cancer stricken gay husband on her hands who is looking for boys on-line. But she should just get on with it in blessed ignorance, right? :rolleyes:

Yes, the guy has cancer ffs.

seenitall · 26-09-2010 7:36pm

omahaid wrote: »

Yes, the guy has cancer ffs.

I never realised that having a serious illness makes you exempt from the decency of not betraying a life-partner and soon-to-be-carer, or from the consequences of such deceitful behaviour, but I'm glad you set me straight.

This is all theoretical now, btw, I hope you realise this. The OP has already decided not to do anything about the issue anyway. So you can relax.

omahaid · 26-09-2010 7:41pm

seenitall wrote: »

I never realised that having a serious illness makes you exempt from the decency of not betraying a life-partner and soon-to-be-carer, or from the consequences of such deceitful behaviour, but I'm glad you set me straight.

This is all theoretical now, btw, I hope you realise this. The OP has already decided not to do anything about the issue anyway. So you can relax.

If it was illegal I might feel different but if the poor guy is on the way out I see no reason to make his life more difficult.

I hope when the time comes for you to die (and it will happen to all of us) your friends and family treat you with dignity and respect and not reveal any information you may not want disclosed.

seenitall · 26-09-2010 7:48pm

omahaid wrote: »

If it was illegal I might feel different but if the poor guy is on the way out I see no reason to make his life more difficult.

I hope when the time comes for you to die (and it will happen to all of us) your friends and family treat you with dignity and respect and not reveal any information you may not want disclosed.

Thank you, and very same wishes back to you.

And I hope that if I die from a serious illness (which happens to many of us), I get to live it up first looking for affairs on line, safe in the knowledge that my illness is a get-out close out of honouring my marriage vows to the poor caring schmuck I happen to be married to.

IvyTheTerrible · 27-09-2010 8:11am

How does the OP know that the aunt isn't aware of her husband's sexuality?

Seriously OP, this is none of your business. You don't know the dynamics of their relationship and if your aunt doesn't know, it is ONLY up to her husband to tell her.

27-09-2010 11:38am

The sexual orientation of the sites are completely irrelevant. The uncle could be bi, or it could just be a fetish/fantasy he has (straight guys watch lesbian porn, does that make them lesbian or gay pre-op transexuals?). It is totally irrelevant. The OP's orientation is also totally irrelevant,

What is relevant is that he was on a dating website. Regardless of whether it was searching for gay, straight or midget amputee ladyboys, it's a website with the purpose of meeting up with other people for relationships and/or sex. That's the only thing to consider. Personally OP, I would find it worrying enough that I'd try to get a little more evidence. Is there logs of actual chats he has had with other people? Is there any evidence he met up with any of them? It's possible he simply uses the site as a form of porn, which isn't particularly objectionable, and not your concern. If he's actually meeting up with people for sex, that's a completely different scenario, and I'd tell my aunt. It would have to be done with the greatest of care, completely privately and make sure she knows that no-one else knows and you'd never tell anyone if it's something she already has knowledge about

IrishEyes19 · 28-09-2010 3:55pm

It's very sad that he has cancer, but if he's cheating on the OP's aunt, doesn't his aunt have a right to know. If it were a straight person, we'd be saying the same thing. I don't think illness should be used to make a wrong right either to be honest.

StarryMoon0 · 30-09-2010 10:43am

I feel for you OP .. your between a rock and a hard place.

My perspective is from the wifes point of view. I wish someone had told me what my OH was up to, and the sites he was visiting.
Yes, it would have hurt like h*ll, but I might have been saved from years of misery.
Its so hard to say, if she appears happy, do you wreck her illusion? We had a nice illusion. Every single person was shocked when we separated, as we had the "perfect marriage". But when the front door was closed ...

I do not envy you. I think the old "curiosity killed the cat" phrase comes in here.. I'd be guessing your sorry for ever looking!

skregs · 30-09-2010 10:01pm

If you're gay, and you think he's gay, and you're probably between the ages of 18-25, there's an easy way to find out for sure.

cooltown · 17-10-2010 5:24pm

Things are still the same since the last time I posted here.
I've checked out there laptop again and he's being visiting the sites over and over again.
I know he's starting his treatment in the next few weeks so i'n going to nothing for a few months anyway!

Mr. Loverman · 17-10-2010 6:49pm

I would bet money this will be the classic case of shooting the messenger.

Basic rule of life: don't get involved in other people's relationships!

seenitall · 17-10-2010 7:32pm

Mr. Loverman wrote: »

Basic rule of life: don't get involved in other people's relationships!

Riiiiight... what you really mean is "basic rule of selfishness: don't tell your aunt her husband is gay and looking for boys online, it might backfire on you. Far better to let the woman live a lie unknowingly, in order for you to be untroubled."

Basic rule of life, indeed! :rolleyes:

Mr. Loverman · 17-10-2010 7:37pm

seenitall wrote: »

Riiiiight... what you really mean is "basic rule of selfishness: don't tell your aunt her husband is gay and looking for boys online, it might backfire on you. Far better to let the woman live a lie unknowingly, in order for you to be untroubled."

Basic rule of life, indeed! :rolleyes:

I have seen many people get involved in other people's relationships (e.g. telling the girl her boyfriend is cheating on her) and in every single case it "backfired" on the messenger. Why? Because most people take the path of least resistance -- it's easier to assume the messenger is crazy or jealous or whatever.

Also, for all we know the wife is fully aware of what's going on. As Seamus said, she at least subconsciously knows.

Aunts husband gay?

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