my children are very upset

LegacyUser

my ex partner and I split up last year we have two children together, at the time he said he would take the kids every second weekend for two nights , I agreed all though i didn't feel that this was enough time for him to spend with his children they are very young 6 and 4 . I firmly believe that children need both of their parents very evolved in their life and I don't believe its right for my children not to see their dad for two whole weeks . but he called the shots and I had to except it.
The reason we split was because he has an alcohol problem and during our relationship would go missing sometimes for weeks on end he would be wonderful for weeks then just go missing not answer his phone not come home I just couldn't live like that any more . it was a hard decision at the time but the best for me and my children .
It was terrible for me and I can't even explain what it did to me and my self esteem now i find myself watching him do exactly the same to my children .
He didn't turn up to collect them on Friday last for his two nights he hasn't tried to contact them its now Tuesday they were so upset and the whole weekend was very hard for them . I know he is drinking my family seen him in town in a bad state .
i don't know what to say to my children i really don't or how to comfort them they miss him terribly . It is not the first time either, he does this at least every third weekend he is due to take them .It means that they wont see him them for four weeks from the last time he turned up to next time due .
If i contact him and tell him they miss him and if he is sober he can have them this weekend or a night during the week he will tell me its not his night/weekend . What can I do?
my biggest concern now is what this will teach my daughter who is 6 about men in general and how it will shape her self esteem . My little boy is very anxious and clingy and wont let me out of his sight he screamed and cried when I him left at the childminders this morning i know its because he thinks I will not come back .
when we were together I asked him to get help with his alcohol problem . He told me he doesn't have one as he doesn't drink every day only occasionally but occasionally is drinking with out stopping form early in the morning until he passes out for days on end until he runs out of money or until he can't borrow any more from friends etc . He wouldn't get help then he wont now .
He doesn't support them financially either. I am lucky to have a job and they have every thing they need. Its hard but we manage scrapping by from pay day to pay day. i am earning just above the income limit for any benefits or the medical card . I have applied for a GP card hopefully I will get one as both my children have asthma and keeping up with doctors and medicine is very hard . i don't have any social life because every thing goes on bills, food, the mortgage , clothes, child minding and some activities for the kids .
When i asked him for maintenance he told me that it costs him money to keep them when he has them . Is this fair ? 4 nights a month( if he shows up.)
He is unemployed but i know he does cash in hand jobs . And i know he has had at least two weeks work in the past month . He finished a job on Friday and to be honest I kind of expected him to go drinking as soon as he got paid and not turn up for the kids . He didn't offer to give me any thing even for school expensives . i think he should at least take them for some of the days I am at work so I won't have to pay a child minder .
I have read some of the posts here from fathers denied their rights and really my heart goes out to them but I am seriously considering telling him he can't swan in and out of their life when its suits . i am considering seeing a solicitor to ask for regular maintenance and court ordered visitation . I never thought i would have to do this. I thought his children would be his first priority but it's not and I need to do what is best for them . What can I do ? I am at my wits end now.

January

That's exactly what you do, contact a solicitor and get court ordered maintenance and visitation in place. He has to pay maintenance, no two ways about it.

About your kids, just assure them that you are there for them and if daddy doesn't turn up it is NOT their fault. Don't badmouth him to them, just tell them that couldn't come today. It is hard but there's not much else you can do...

It's horrible because there are so many good fathers out there fighting to be able to see their children yet the few bad examples ruin it for the good ones.

Good luck

smelltheglove

As above dont badmouth him to the kids. This is a huge thing and very hard to do but you want to maintain yoru relationship with the kids also. First things first, yes maintenance. You cannot force him to spend time with the kids, you can encourage him. The best approach for this is to be friendly with him as hard as it is otherwise he may find you standoffish and be reluctant to discuss things with you. This could deter him from visiting the house.

As far as the kids are concerned, explain tot hem it is not their fault, daddy loves them very much but has a lot of work to do. Even suggest that he had to go away to work without notice, anything to stop them feeling unloved. I wasnt in this position as a child but my brother was and when he got very stressed out over it, it was me he came to, in floods of tears, nearly having a breakdown because he felt he could not talk to our mother about it as she hated his dad so much. Even when I tried to get him to talk to her about it she slated his daddy completely which made him feel even worse. Your kids need to feel they can come to you with their emotions without you casting blame.

CDfm

It is a fairly sad and difficult situation

If the guy is not in regular employment and living on benefits or working cash in hand there is very little you can claim from him as he will not have it and it could turn very much into a legal aid merry go round. With little to show for it.

Lots of people use kids as a weapon and access as a negotiating tool and its great that you don't.

Have you considered going to the Family Support Agency www.fsa.ie for mediation and even contacting his parents or siblings on trying to get him to avail of access.

I also wonder if you completed the medical card application properly and are there any additional expenses you can use on the means test and have you claimed all you are allowed to claim

http://www.losingyourjob.ie/getting-social-welfare/medical_card.html

It might be worth doing some more research into this.

blackbird98

as the other posters have said, go to your solicitor.

Also, I have to say well done to you, for being able to keep it together. It's a fair achievement to do all that you have done while still working. And fair play to you for trying to keep your ex in you childrens lives.

However, you must get some financial support from your ex - it is his duty - and if it has to be done through the courts, so be it, do not feel guilty for him, you are only doing what is right.

best of luck, i hope it works out ok for you

seenitall

To an alcoholic, bottle comes first. Not his children, not his work, and not anything else around or in-between. I am saying this clearly because you seem to be unaware of the reality of your situation. Expecting any kind of decency or consideration towards your children from this man is like expecting 50 Euro notes to start falling from the sky. It is impossible, it won't happen, however hard you try or however long you talk with him, or in whatever way you talk.

Release yourself from the immense stress that your expectations of this man are surely putting on you. Stop expecting anything out of him, except the mere basics that are afforded by law. If you have to go to court to get to these, then do that.

Do your best to shield your children from the emotional fall-out of having a parent such as this. I know it is very difficult, but you do almost have to give them twice as much love in a situation like this. Make sure that they know 100% that they are very much loved and are the absolute priority for you. Reinforce it, verbally and non-verbally, as much as you can. Give them both loads of attention and affection. That way, you WILL be limiting the damage of them feeling disappointed and rejected by their father (because they are feeling rejected, no matter how much you try and sugar-coat the situation). Try to down-play their father's actions as much as you can, as in "he loves you, but sometimes he can't be there, he is ill this weekend." There will come the time when they will know that it's not work that is keeping him from them anyway, better not start off with any lies so.

The best of luck to you and your children.

LegacyUser

i would never bad mouth their father to my children he is at the end of the day their dad and always will be . I have checked out all the benefits and I earn 20 euro's too much for any help in this respect. i just feel like I am banging my head against a wall . I have approached his family in particular his mother , she didn't believe what he was doing when he lived with him and thinks now he is drinking because I left him !! I make it very easy for him to see his children when we doesn't turn up I just leave him too it . I have tried to encourage him to see more of them asking him does he want to pick them up from school or take them to one of their sports like swimming or karate telling him I will put the money for in in their bag he just doesn't want to know. he does the bear min he can get away with and goes around bad mouthing me so does his man but i just ignore them and try to do the best for my kids .

CDfm

absent dad wrote: »

I will put the money for in in their bag he just doesn't want to know. he does the bear min he can get away with and goes around bad mouthing me so does his man but i just ignore them and try to do the best for my kids .

Ignore his ma & his bad mouthing you. The apple does not fall very far from the tree and in my book you are handling this absolutely fairly.

curlzy

Oh God, that is just horrific, you poor woman!!! That is just an awful situation to be in. With regards to him and his aul wan badmouthing you; don't worry people will know he's lying when they spot him falling over himself around town. You should think about visiting Al Anon, it's for the spouses and relatives of alcoholics and could be a good source of support for you.

I know you want him in the kids lives but to be fair why? He doesn't sound like any type of role model for them, it's not true that a bad dad is better than no dad. To be honest I wouldn't push him to be around them at all. I know they miss him but they'll bounce back eventually, give him access when he's sober and calls round but to be honest I wouldn't be happy letting children go off with a raving alcoholic.

Maybe apply for OPF or a FIS payment, you might be paid too much but they do have a graduated rate so you could get something and every little helps.

Lastly I just want to sat well done, thank god your kids have such a good mum to make up for that waster, I really really hope that things get better and easier for you soon.

LegacyUser

seenitall wrote: »

To an alcoholic, bottle comes first. Not his children, not his work, and not anything else around or in-between. I am saying this clearly because you seem to be unaware of the reality of your situation. Expecting any kind of decency or consideration towards your children from this man is like expecting 50 Euro notes to start falling from the sky. It is impossible, it won't happen, however hard you try or however long you talk with him, or in whatever way you talk.

Release yourself from the immense stress that your expectations of this man are surely putting on you. Stop expecting anything out of him, except the mere basics that are afforded by law. If you have to go to court to get to these, then do that.

Do your best to shield your children from the emotional fall-out of having a parent such as this. I know it is very difficult, but you do almost have to give them twice as much love in a situation like this. Make sure that they know 100% that they are very much loved and are the absolute priority for you. Reinforce it, verbally and non-verbally, as much as you can. Give them both loads of attention and affection. That way, you WILL be limiting the damage of them feeling disappointed and rejected by their father (because they are feeling rejected, no matter how much you try and sugar-coat the situation). Try to down-play their father's actions as much as you can, as in "he loves you, but sometimes he can't be there, he is ill this weekend." There will come the time when they will know that it's not work that is keeping him from them anyway, better not start off with any lies so.

The best of luck to you and your children.

i read this post over and over again and you are right i wasted 20 years of my life waiting for him to choose me over the bottle he never did , our life revolved around his drinking constantly on edge waiting to see if he would come home. If he was 5 minutes late I knew that he wouldn't be home for days. Then there would be a big fight and he would just carry on as normal till the next time . Its beyond me why I let it go on as long as I did When i left him I thought it would be his wake up call he would realise he would lose us for good and get help and we would all live happily ever after . Now I guess i have just transferred those expectations on to his behaviour towards his children he won't put them first either . I think it is now time to walk away and look after myself and my children.

seenitall

absent dad wrote: »

i read this post over and over again and you are right i wasted 20 years of my life waiting for him to choose me over the bottle he never did , our life revolved around his drinking constantly on edge waiting to see if he would come home. If he was 5 minutes late I knew that he wouldn't be home for days. Then there would be a big fight and he would just carry on as normal till the next time . Its beyond me why I let it go on as long as I did When i left him I thought it would be his wake up call he would realise he would lose us for good and get help and we would all live happily ever after . Now I guess i have just transferred those expectations on to his behaviour towards his children he won't put them first either . I think it is now time to walk away and look after myself and my children.

BINGO!

Sounds to me the 3 of you will be OK.

Best wishes.

Nevyn

Op have you looked at going to alnon meetings to get help and support?
Also talk to your children's teachers and explain what is going on and the school can if needs be refer them for counselling.

tinkerbell

OP, all I can advise you is that you need to go to a solicitor so that he has to pay maintenance.

As for his alcohol problem, personally I would not be comfortable leaving children with an alcoholic overnight. What if he starts drinking while they are in his care? I think you need to stop the idea of overnight visits as long as this drinking problem is happening, purely for the well-being of your two little children. The number one priority in an alcoholic's life is drink, everything else comes second. If he wants to see his children, then he sees them during the day for a few hours or something.

But I would not trust an alcoholic minding children for long periods of time at all.

And ignore the badmouthing from his mother - she's an ignorant idiot if she thinks you are the problem for him drinking. In fairness, if you were telling her before about his drink problems when you were together, and now she blames you for it, she's just stupid and refusing to believe that her darling angel has a problem of his own accord.

Time for you to just look after yourself and your children. Get maintenance set up by the court and arrange small visits, other than that, I wouldn't go any further.

jimmycrackcorm

absent dad wrote: »

The reason we split was because he has an alcohol problem and during our relationship would go missing sometimes for weeks on end he would be wonderful for weeks then just go missing not answer his phone not come home I just couldn't live like that any more . it was a hard decision at the time but the best for me and my children .

I think it is more accurate to say that the decision was better for you than for the kids. Would it not be better to have some sort of arrangement where he stays for the periods that he is not off "missing"?

LegacyUser

Hi Op,

Im coming from the childs point of view, my parents split when i was 2 and my dad was an alcho, my mother sent us up to him twice a week and tried to get us to be in his life, like others have said Alco's dont see past the drink, he was selfish and cruel and abusive his smelly mates would come home from the pub with him and slobber all over us in our uniforms, it was disgusting, my mother still sent us up to see him, i feel my mother should have protected us from him more, he was also sexually abusive with us and my mum knew he was perverted so i know she was messed up about protecting us just because she thought we should have a dad in our life, but i swear i would have preferred to not have been exposed to him or the situation, i feel that your X husband is in a bad place, and your kids need to be with you around stability,

i really feel you should let the Dad go and try and re-define your life without him, if he gets himself into therapy and shows some signs of recovering then maybe start negotiations, he has to be responsible for his actions, but especially for the immediate time now after the separation i think maintaining some stability is the way to go, and the best position for your kids, all they will experience from their Dad will be constant rejection, unless he gets help, also them not being in his life may be a reason for him to get better, i know the kids will miss him, but what if you just had some real distance for a year, i definitely think you have exhausted yourself with this man and i personally would not even go looking for the child support at this stage because i feel it is more chaos like i would have zero tolerance for him right now.

You seem to be an amazing mother and role model for your children, you work and run the home and do all the parenting, you should be very very proud of yourself, if i had a mother like you i would have been absolutely fine when i grew up, as it was i had no mother either when she left when i was 18, but from a girl who experienced parents separating and childhood traumas i really would like to say that you are enough for your children, you are what has made them so far and if you continue to show strength they will flourish, dont show them someone who gets manipulated by an alco or a man, you are strong! and you are all they need right now.

seenitall

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

I think it is more accurate to say that the decision was better for you than for the kids. Would it not be better to have some sort of arrangement where he stays for the periods that he is not off "missing"?

No, of course not. Do you think that it is better for children to live with two parents, of whom one goes "missing" for prolonged periods of time, thus causing upset, worry and hurt to the other parent, (not even going into witnessing an alcoholic at his most destructive and auto-destructive behaviour), or to live in a one-parent stable environment, where the routines are happily set and there is no disruption of people going "missing", turning up drunk on doorsteps and general hassle and worry that living with an alcoholic brings?

You are being unfair on the OP; she has quite enough to deal without people saying that she took the most convenient way out for herself and not for her children; it is blatanty untrue, as by ending the charade of a "relationship" she has very obviously helped her children to move towards a more peaceful and less disruptive environment than they were able to enjoy beforehand. Anyone who has ever had the misfortune to live with an alcoholic knows this, and children especially so!

jimmycrackcorm

@seenitall. I was merely observing that the op said nothing about the children being upset before they split up. They probably recognized him as still being part of the family unit even when he went missing.

she has very obviously helped her children to move towards a more peaceful and less disruptive environment than they were able to enjoy beforehand.

How is it less disruptive when they are upset with the new situation.

LegacyUser

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

@seenitall. I was merely observing that the op said nothing about the children being upset before they split up. They probably recognized him as still being part of the family unit even when he went missing.



How is it less disruptive when they are upset with the new situation.

Dont you see that the disruption is about the fathers alcoholism and how it is controlling the family and the stability the children need, the OP chose the best future for her children, there should be zero tolerance for alcoholism, and the OP probably enabled him for long enough, i would say tough love is the way to go here, how present can you be with your children if your escaping from life through drinking, the children are much better off without him, the OP has found the courage to do the right thing for her children.

MrDarcy

CDfm wrote: »

Lots of people use kids as a weapon and access as a negotiating tool and its great that you don't.

If I had this problem he, or she in my case, would have no access and it would not be using the kids as a weapon. How would I know that in my absence (s)he wouldn't be putting the kids safety at serious risk by leaving them unattended in the event that they might get in the way of her/his drinking while they are with him or possibly exposing them to risk of abuse by having her/his p*sshead mates hanging around the house and only God knows what could happen there??? How would I know the kids were not going hungry because (s)he only had a tenner for the weekend because (s)he had drank his wages and decided to spend the last tenner on a bottle of JD???

Don't give him any access unless you can be sure that your kids are being properly cared for while they are in his custody and to my mind that means firstly getting something done about the alcohol problem.

seenitall

jimmycrackcorm wrote: »

@seenitall. I was merely observing that the op said nothing about the children being upset before they split up. They probably recognized him as still being part of the family unit even when he went missing.



How is it less disruptive when they are upset with the new situation.

If you want to believe that their life was fine and they were not being upset by the disruption of their life that living with an alcoholic brings, go on and believe that. Everyone who has ever been in the same situation as a child knows full well what kind of life they prefer (as is amply illustrated by Snookii on this thread).

Of course that the children are upset. Who wouldn't be upset with a father like that? No matter where he lives, but unfortunately especially if he lives with them.