No love life. Zilch. Alone forever&all that jazz...

LegacyUser

Hi guys

I'm a regular reader and sometimes-poster in this forum and know that these types of threads are a dime a dozen around here.

However I'd love to get to the root of, or at least scrape the surface of this personal issue for me, because I know that things have to change in my life if I'm ever going to enjoy a dating life.

So I'm 25, female, short, brown medium length hair, sallow skin, relatively attractive. I'm basing this on the response that I've generally illicited from others, I'm been described as 'pretty' before and 'cute' is the one I get most often!

However, I'm permanently, unendingly single. I've never had a long-term relationship, nothing has ever gone past a measly few weeks and even at that I've never really had anyone I could describe as my 'boyfriend.'

It used to not bother me at all, and to a certain extent I know I'm in this position because I love and need my personal space, maybe a bit too much of it over the years, love doing things on my own, while equally having a solid friends base and really enjoy socialising.

It's just something in me that feels...shut off from this aspect of myself - the romantic, open to anything part of me that longs for affection and intimacy and sex and whatnot with someone of the opposite sex.

I've had the odd one night stand, doesn't work for me at all, and I've never had a problem hooking up with guys when I'm out, but it means nothing and it's just so wholly unfulfilling. I never get a number, or get asked for my number, and if so, they never get in contact.

I know for sure that so much of this issue is tied up in my self esteem, or lack of. I have a pretty bad body image (constantly depressed about my weight, although I'm a size ten and by no means fat - stems from deeper food issues I've had in the past) and this inhibits almost every aspect of my life, including how attractive I feel (or don't feel) to the opposite sex.

For example, I have a seeming inability to express interest in a guy I like because I invariably believe he won't like me back. This fear of rejection has no real roots, I've never been massively rejected, and the few (seriously few...) times I've ever approached a guy, it's never been met with disinterest, but with those guys I always felt 'well, he's a lad. I wouldn't be his pick, but I'm not bad looking and he didn't have to make much effort...'

I've even noticed how I find it difficult to even make eye contact with guys - be it walking down the street or when I'm out or whatever...fcuked up I know but I think it's all tied into my self confidence issues. I generally notice I'll get stared at a little by guys but I obviously look so unapproachable and unfriendly that it inevitably leads to nothing.

To be honest, when I think about it, for the most part when I'm out I'm generally so busy feeling inadequate and unattractive that I don't bother making any effort at all with guys.

I know that logically I need to start working on my self esteem and start making more of an effort to meet guys, but I guess I don't have a clue where to start, it's all so overwhelming to me.

The horrible thing is, the longer it goes on, the worse it gets - friends and acquaintances and work colleagues etc are all coupled up, and it's hard not to feel like some sort of freak when I've not only never had a relationship, but don't even know how to go about one, or how to even start dating. How do you 'put yourself out there'?? I feel like shutting myself off from the issue has been my a self-protection mechanism I've used as it's easier than dealing with the bottomless pit of self esteem problems and self image problems I have...but I don't want to be alone forever!

And I should just point out, contrary to this whingy, self pitying post, I generally am a smart, well adjusted person with great friends, family, a good education, good prospects and I'd like to think a nice personality.

I'd love any input anyone has. I guess I'm just tired of dealing with all these feelings alone and could do with an outside perspective.

Thanks in advance x

Oryx

Other than romantically, how good is your life? Do you have a good social circle, are you happy doing the things you do? (Or do you just go with the flow and put up with it?)

I think you already have this sussed. Your problem with relationships may stem from your self esteem issues, which will be more apparent to other people (men ) than you realise.

Dont add an extra layer of pressure to yourself by wishing yourself cozied up in a relationship, but begin by just focusing on yourself and what you would like to change within yourself, think about what you want to do to improve your self image. I know it seems a huge leap, but you break it into small steps.

I can only tell you the same thing I say time and time again on this site. Meeting a lover is not something you DO, it is something that HAPPENS while you do other things. Forget meeting a guy, and throw yourself into the life you want to have... the hobbies that you love.... and make sure that you socialise as much as you can while doing both.

Meeting a lover is just something that falls into place when you work at all the rest. From my experience, and im a guy in a relationship with 2 girls right now, meeting a lover NEVER happens while you are actually trying to.

Put another way: Give up. The sooner you do, the sooner it will happen of its own accord.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys, your posts are a huge help.

Oryx - right now I'm in a sort of adjusting stage of my life as I've just moved abroad for a year and am still in the teething stage of familiarising myself with my surroundings, looking for a job, getting accomm properly sorted and getting fully set up here.

I guess you'd wonder why now of all times I'm worrying about dating, but I think it's because a part of me almost thought maybe my surroundings had something to do with it back home, but being over here has made me realise...that's definitely not the case. I'm a closed book really and now of all times in my life is when I'd like to change.

To answer your question though - the recent transition aside, I would have described myself as content in life. I've been working in a field that deeply interests me ever since leaving college and have a lot of friends and great family as well as that.

The body image thing has always, and continues, to inhibit me and prevents me from doing so much / stops me from ever feeling happy within myself and you're so right that I need to address this before anything else. It's a life-long theme with me, I just can't imagine what it's like to not feel like I'm 'thin' enough. This won't make much sense to a lot of people but I think it's the residue of dysfunctional thoughts that are left over from my experience with an eating disorder years ago. I've really, really struggled with the weight gain that accompanied recovery and it's knocked my self confidence in so many ways.

I went to therapy for a while, back at the critical stage, which really helped, but that ended abruptly a few years back just before a previous stint abroad and now I'm not in the financial position to continue.

I really feel as though the relationship issue is a massive can of worms for me and I nearly don't want to open it because I'm not sure I can deal with having to address all these underlying issues.

I know I'm probably not ready for a relationship at the moment, but then, when will I ever be ready? I'm not getting any younger and in my opinion having a partner (hate that word...boyfriend, whatever) is a fairly important life skill to learn.

And TaxAHCruel...this is the problem. Meeting someone is not something that just happens, or ever 'just happened' for me. I sure as hell could be a lot happier, and your post is making me realise I definitely need to develop my hobbies etc and not dwell on this so much.

But as a teenager and early adult I had a wide network of friends, hobbies I was passionate about, a good social life etc and my single status was still the same as it is today. That just makes me wonder.

LegacyUser

don'tknowhowtochange wrote: »

The body image thing has always, and continues, to inhibit me and prevents me from doing so much / stops me from ever feeling happy within myself and you're so right that I need to address this before anything else. It's a life-long theme with me, I just can't imagine what it's like to not feel like I'm 'thin' enough. This won't make much sense to a lot of people but I think it's the residue of dysfunctional thoughts that are left over from my experience with an eating disorder years ago. I've really, really struggled with the weight gain that accompanied recovery and it's knocked my self confidence in so many ways.

Hi Op,

This is exactly how I used to feel, in fact I could've written it myself! I constantly had issues with my weight (even though I'm a size 8) and just couldn't be happy with myself. I had zero confidence, thought I was extremely unattractive etc but everyone thought I was fine on the outside.

At 22, I had never had a serious boyfriend/long term relationship either, even though I really wanted to have one! But I also like doing my own thing and like my own space. Anyway I decided one day to just stop "looking" and concentrate on trying to accept me for me. Within 2 months of doing this, I got asked out and we've been together 6 months now. I think just trying to accept myself (even though it's a continuous thing), really helped me to become more open and have a bit more confidence. Maybe just concentrate on yourself for a while??

jenggg

This is a very helpful thread for me too. Can I ask the posters what practical measures the OP should take so she is focusing or concentrating on herself?

jenggg

jenggg wrote: »

This is a very helpful thread for me too. Can I ask the posters what practical measures the OP should take so she is focusing or concentrating on herself?

Simply do what you love, do more of it, and do it as socially as possible. If you like to cook, get into cooking groups. If you like to talk then consider joining a group of people learning a new language together. If you like music, jam sometimes with other music students...

... whatever it is you are into, there is always a social wing of it to get involved in.

IrishEyes19

Deleted User wrote: »

I can only tell you the same thing I say time and time again on this site. Meeting a lover is not something you DO, it is something that HAPPENS while you do other things. Forget meeting a guy, and throw yourself into the life you want to have... the hobbies that you love.... and make sure that you socialise as much as you can while doing both.

Meeting a lover is just something that falls into place when you work at all the rest. From my experience, and im a guy in a relationship with 2 girls right now, meeting a lover NEVER happens while you are actually trying to.

Put another way: Give up. The sooner you do, the sooner it will happen of its own accord.

Tax...just had to ask since im curious, are the two girls you are in a relationship with, aware of each other???

@ OP, love will come when you arent looking for it. It just means its not your time yet. You dont sound like your doing anything wrong and I think clubs and pubs are the worst place for relationships to start.

IrishEyes19

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

Tax...just had to ask since im curious, are the two girls you are in a relationship with, aware of each other???

@ OP, love will come when you arent looking for it. It just means its not your time yet. You dont sound like your doing anything wrong and I think clubs and pubs are the worst place for relationships to start.

Yes we live together.

When you are not looking for it is exactly what I mean with my posts above. It comes when you least expect it, usually very soon after it starts being one of the last things on your mind.

IrishEyes19

Deleted User wrote: »

Yes we live together.

When you are not looking for it is exactly what I mean with my posts above. It comes when you least expect it, usually very soon after it starts being one of the last things on your mind.

I second that, being totally secure in yourself is an attractive quality and I think people can sense when your "out on the prowl" to be exact and therefore a laid back quality where you can go out with your friends and have a good time is always an attractive feature.

magneticimpulse

Oh you sound so like me OP. Im abroad in my 3rd country of residence since Ireland 8 years ago. And im 29.

Anyway I suffered from bad acne in my teenage years, so this gave me under lying self esteem issues when approaching guys.

But also, you seem (like me) very focused on your education/career. It seems like you have moved abroad for these reasons? The way you behave sounds exactly like me and if it is, I think you go out of your way to avoid men without actually thinking that you are doing it. The no eye contact etc? It seems to me, that you are in fact just not ready for a relationship. Although you would like it, it seems that you are concentrating so hard on success in a certain career/being smart that maybe a relationship would get in the way of it. The fact you say...it "never just happens" that you meet a guy...again further confirms this. Despite what other people say by not looking...I think if your anything like me...you actually need to look!!!

Coming on boards, I got the same response as you...that i should "stop looking"....but the fact of the matter was I was never really looking, and it occurred to me, that the times I did have success and did have boyfriends was when I took the bull by the horns and went looking!!! Hey presto I found boyfriends.

I suggest OP, you go for it, you go out there looking. And go to places where there are 1000s of men...where? Rugby matches, football matches etc...places where you will find lots of men. I dont think the term "not looking" works for everybody, I think there are some people who hide in the corner and thats where they have gone wrong. I think you need to get out there. If thats what you want, if theres a will theres a way. If you sit at home its/boyfriend is never going to find you.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys for all the responses. I've taken it all on board.

I just have a few questions. With regards the 'stop looking and he'll turn up'...I don't know where to start with this one. I'm a complete contradiction, in that the longer my permanently single status rolls on, the more obsessed I become about men and the more I long for a relationship. And yet my body language expresses nothing but disinterest towards the guys I'm actually attracted to. I don't know what this stems from or how to stop it, I guess it must have something to do with my general fear of rejection/fear of being vulnerable. Thinking about it, I must be the world's worst flirt. This must be something I can change...

I guess I just fully agree and understand how the 'stop thinking' thing works in theory, but it's not so easy in practice. It's like saying to someone, 'stop thinking about carrots! Don't think about them at all!!' and obviously, they pop up in your head and that's all you can see! Bit of a shyte analogy but you get what I'm saying. I've spent my life thinking about the opposite sex, wondering, hoping, theorising, confusing and frustrating myself...that obviously hasn't worked for me so I need to stop it. But how do I just let go of these thoughts and these hopes and just 'not care'? I suppose on a level I fear if I stop caring altogether, there'll never be any chance of anything ever happening and I'll end up a lonely weird cat lady!!

I am quite career focused, and since coming here I've realised how much of my life has been wrapped up in that. Someone asked me today what my hobbies were and I struggled to answer it...my career has been my hobby since I left college and everything else has come second to that. That can't be healthy at all. I guess now is a good opportunity to focus on myself a bit more, maybe take up jogging or start a blog or something! I can't fathom how someone could be attractive or interesting to another person if they don't have any real interests outside of their job, and I don't want to be that person.

Anyway, plenty of stuff there to mull over at the moment. Thanks again for all your insights and perspectives.

LegacyUser

OP,

I was reluctant to comment on this thread as I’m in exactly the same boat but male. The reason I’ve held off is that I still struggling with this issue. I hate even calling it an issue as my life is real good in all other respects and I’ve none of the serious problems some people post about. I’ve a really good career which I love, a real solid group of close friends, great family and am an overall really confident guy. I’ve no issue doing presentations or chatting with strangers. Yet when it comes to serious relationships with girls – I’ve had nothing worth talking about.

You come across as a smart, articulated person. Specifically calling out your quote “opposite sex, wondering, hoping, theorising, confusing and frustrating myself”; this is exactly like me and I recently heard it described brilliantly and it helped me a bit.

Paralysis by Analysis

Next time you see someone you like – go talk to them. Don’t think about what to say, how to approach, what will happen if. Just try going for it. Tried it two weekends ago and wasn’t half as scary as I thought. Didn’t go brilliantly but I’ll definitely try again. I think my problem was that I never put myself out there. Maybe I come across as not liking the girl even though I think she’s gorgeous? This all stemmed from a little confidence boast I got while away on holiday – an amazing, smart, clever girl wanted me. Horrible that it’s taken 25 yrs to get to this small step but at least now I’m working on it.

So there are people exactly like you.

LegacyUser

I'm in a similar situation op, except I'm male. It can be infuriating, I'm often told I'm attractive and often find girls looking at me when I'm out. yet I'm 25 and haven't had anything I could call a relationship. Whenever I meet girls who I have a good connection with, through friends or college they have always turned out to be attached.

I think my main problem is I never know how to progress from glances and what I assume to be 'positive body language' on behalf of the girl to chatting with them. I've been in so many situations where I've been almost positive a cute girl is attracted to me and I've felt completely frustrated and paralysed by my inability to do anything besides acting nonchalantly!

I've nearly begun to let these situations feed my ego e.g "that girl was so into me", almost letting myself forget that they are simply the beginnings of a flirtation rather than the sum total.

Even when I'm interacting with a a cute waitress or girl in a shop, I become all formal and business like. Then afterwards I kick myself for not saying anything or even trying to extend the conversation slightly. I'm fine chatting to girls I'm not really interested in. It's when I'm interested in a girl that I'm almost afraid to show I'm interested. Stupid I know!

I agree with sleeper that it can be analysis by paralysis, but it's difficult to turn off the old analysis unless you're a few pints deep, and I rarely drink enough to do so.

Could anyone suggest places besides pubs and clubs where you can meet girls in their mid 20s? I've tried a few evening classes but they seemed to be filled with mostly middle aged people. And I've got pretty bad asthma so tag rugby or sports clubs are mostly out of the question ( huffing and puffing on the pitch isn't the best way to introduce yourself lol)

IrishEyes19

Similar situation wrote: »

I'm in a similar situation op, except I'm male. It can be infuriating, I'm often told I'm attractive and often find girls looking at me when I'm out. yet I'm 25 and haven't had anything I could call a relationship. Whenever I meet girls who I have a good connection with, through friends or college they have always turned out to be attached.

I think my main problem is I never know how to progress from glances and what I assume to be 'positive body language' on behalf of the girl to chatting with them. I've been in so many situations where I've been almost positive a cute girl is attracted to me and I've felt completely frustrated and paralysed by my inability to do anything besides acting nonchalantly!

I've nearly begun to let these situations feed my ego e.g "that girl was so into me", almost letting myself forget that they are simply the beginnings of a flirtation rather than the sum total.

Even when I'm interacting with a a cute waitress or girl in a shop, I become all formal and business like. Then afterwards I kick myself for not saying anything or even trying to extend the conversation slightly. I'm fine chatting to girls I'm not really interested in. It's when I'm interested in a girl that I'm almost afraid to show I'm interested. Stupid I know!

I agree with sleeper that it can be analysis by paralysis, but it's difficult to turn off the old analysis unless you're a few pints deep, and I rarely drink enough to do so.

Could anyone suggest places besides pubs and clubs where you can meet girls in their mid 20s? I've tried a few evening classes but they seemed to be filled with mostly middle aged people. And I've got pretty bad asthma so tag rugby or sports clubs are mostly out of the question ( huffing and puffing on the pitch isn't the best way to introduce yourself lol)

Its funny actually when people tell you, you're attractive, you nearly feel like saying, well thats great and all, but that doesnt mean just because I walk over there and strike up a convo that its going to work out 100% lol. As if attractiveness is a guarantee, I think it can often be a hinderence, as people can be intimidated also.

Well from a young female perspective on other places other than clubs and pubs, societies are often a great place to start. What are your interests, politics, reading, bowling, sports that don't require immense pressure on lungs, if you have asthma, also house parties with friends are a great way to meet people without the pressure of the club or pub scene. Just a thought there.

LegacyUser

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

Its funny actually when people tell you, you're attractive, you nearly feel like saying, well thats great and all, but that doesnt mean just because I walk over there and strike up a convo that its going to work out 100% lol. As if attractiveness is a guarantee, I think it can often be a hinderence, as people can be intimidated also.

Well from a young female perspective on other places other than clubs and pubs, societies are often a great place to start. What are your interests, politics, reading, bowling, sports that don't require immense pressure on lungs, if you have asthma, also house parties with friends are a great way to meet people without the pressure of the club or pub scene. Just a thought there.

It sounds pretty conceited but it probably can be a hindrance too especially when you're quiet. I've known girls who were thought of as stuck up and haughty by people who didn't know them simply because they were good looking but quiet.

Thanks for the advice, although I just finished college this year, so it would probably be a bit weird if I started joining societies as a past student, lol. I suppose I could look out for similar clubs outside college

magneticimpulse

Similar situation wrote: »

I'm in a similar situation op, except I'm male. It can be infuriating, I'm often told I'm attractive and often find girls looking at me when I'm out. yet I'm 25 and haven't had anything I could call a relationship. Whenever I meet girls who I have a good connection with, through friends or college they have always turned out to be attached.

I think my main problem is I never know how to progress from glances and what I assume to be 'positive body language' on behalf of the girl to chatting with them. I've been in so many situations where I've been almost positive a cute girl is attracted to me and I've felt completely frustrated and paralysed by my inability to do anything besides acting nonchalantly!

I've nearly begun to let these situations feed my ego e.g "that girl was so into me", almost letting myself forget that they are simply the beginnings of a flirtation rather than the sum total.

Even when I'm interacting with a a cute waitress or girl in a shop, I become all formal and business like. Then afterwards I kick myself for not saying anything or even trying to extend the conversation slightly. I'm fine chatting to girls I'm not really interested in. It's when I'm interested in a girl that I'm almost afraid to show I'm interested. Stupid I know!

I agree with sleeper that it can be analysis by paralysis, but it's difficult to turn off the old analysis unless you're a few pints deep, and I rarely drink enough to do so.

Could anyone suggest places besides pubs and clubs where you can meet girls in their mid 20s? I've tried a few evening classes but they seemed to be filled with mostly middle aged people. And I've got pretty bad asthma so tag rugby or sports clubs are mostly out of the question ( huffing and puffing on the pitch isn't the best way to introduce yourself lol)

I can relate to this, even thou im a girl...but I can imagine why this is happening. When I am single, like now...i dont have much confidence and I never make eye contact with guys and spend the night out on dancefloor with female friends just chatting to them. However when I have a boyfriend, I have loads of confidence, in which im even more relaxed and not tensed up about having to meet someone...therefore without knowing it, i am making more eye contact with everyone in general...and I think this is why guys are "confusing" the whole "positive body language"....in fact only for i actually read on boards.ie guys really depend a huge lot on this from women...i had no idea we were suppose to be doing it?? I thought if I just danced on the dancefloor a guy would come up!!!

So forget about where? I think pubs and clubs is still possible...just look out for the really shy looking girls who are chatting with friends...as we are in the pubs and clubs...we just didnt know we were meant to be giving "positive body language"...we were just waiting there all the time.

IrishEyes19

magneticimpulse wrote: »

I can relate to this, even thou im a girl...but I can imagine why this is happening. When I am single, like now...i dont have much confidence and I never make eye contact with guys and spend the night out on dancefloor with female friends just chatting to them. However when I have a boyfriend, I have loads of confidence, in which im even more relaxed and not tensed up about having to meet someone...therefore without knowing it, i am making more eye contact with everyone in general...and I think this is why guys are "confusing" the whole "positive body language"....in fact only for i actually read on boards.ie guys really depend a huge lot on this from women...i had no idea we were suppose to be doing it?? I thought if I just danced on the dancefloor a guy would come up!!!

So forget about where? I think pubs and clubs is still possible...just look out for the really shy looking girls who are chatting with friends...as we are in the pubs and clubs...we just didnt know we were meant to be giving "positive body language"...we were just waiting there all the time.

lol, magnet.....you are so right there!!! I mean even the fear of making eye contact with lads is within me, I dont want to seem like a weirdo either...lol...and yet apparently, girls making eye contact is what they want us to do...lol, so Ive heard

ps, hope you dont mind me shortening your name to magnet when writing there...very long to write out, hehe!!!

Sanjuro

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

lol, magnet.....you are so right there!!! I mean even the fear of making eye contact with lads is within me, I dont want to seem like a weirdo either...lol...and yet apparently, girls making eye contact is what they want us to do...lol, so Ive heard

ps, hope you dont mind me shortening your name to magnet when writing there...very long to write out, hehe!!!

Guys are visual animals. And we don't really get subtlety when it comes to meeting women. You gotta make it clear to the more... nervous of us that we have a small window of opportunity and we should take it! Eye-contact is this window! Don't worry, we won't think you're weirdos. We're waaaaay too concerned about being perceived as weirdos ourselves!

LegacyUser

Lol, yes eye contact matters, or at least some sort of sign that you're open to interaction. Eye contact is probably the easiest way to indicate this, but also very open to interpretation, unless it's a full on staring match!

Otherwise you'll probably only be approached by guys playing the numbers game, who are more likely to not be looking for a relationship spanning longer than 12 hours.

I'm curious, how would you girls usually have acted if you noticed a guy you liked in a club or pub?

LegacyUser

I do the no-eye-contact thing too, it's a killer. I don't know why I actively avoid eye contact, I mean it's like flirting ABC and it's literally the first step you take when you're into someone. I just actively avoid it, maybe lack of confidence or insecurity or paranoia or whatever. I know that realistically I can't expect anyone to approach me if I'm not even putting the basic signs out there.

And like another (male) poster said...I also get the stares. I see guys checking me out, out of the corner of my eye, on the street or on public transport or where ever. To be honest it slightly freaks me out, I don't know what to do with it. I don't know what the next step should be, or could be, I just always pretend not to notice.

My God I have absolutely no game!!!

LegacyUser

Im the same though, as in if someone looks at me, checking me out or so on...I cringe and get shy whereas if they smile, it will lead me to smile back shyly....I dont know why. lol

magneticimpulse

sameas wrote: »

Im the same though, as in if someone looks at me, checking me out or so on...I cringe and get shy whereas if they smile, it will lead me to smile back shyly....I dont know why. lol

me too...especially in france i stand out as it is...spend most of my time looking at the grounds avoiding making eye contact and looking out for dog poo

magneticimpulse

Similar situation wrote: »

Lol, yes eye contact matters, or at least some sort of sign that you're open to interaction. Eye contact is probably the easiest way to indicate this, but also very open to interpretation, unless it's a full on staring match!

Otherwise you'll probably only be approached by guys playing the numbers game, who are more likely to not be looking for a relationship spanning longer than 12 hours.

I'm curious, how would you girls usually have acted if you noticed a guy you liked in a club or pub?

Thats the whole point...as im not making eye contact, i dont notice any guys in the club! Hence Im single!!! I posted on here looking for advice in the past (and like OP) people told me to "stop looking"...but i wasnt even "looking"....now this post suggests that it is extremely important to make "eye contact" with guys and to "look" at guys in clubs, which ive not been doing.

I was always under the impression, that if you look like your having a blast with your friends, chatting, drinking and on the dance floor that guys would come up to you and start chatting. I thought just by being "out" on a night out, your likely to be single and it was a free for all men to come can chat if they fancied you enough. But apparently at 29 yrs old...thats not how it happens and women are meant to be giving "secret" signals.

G-Money

I thought I should throw my 2 cents in here as well as I'm in a similar predicament, except that I'm male.

I've a lot of issues I think with confidence and self-esteem. I'm not really sure exactly when this all started, but as far as I can remember, I've always been like this. I'm in my early 30's now and I still suffer from low self-esteem and a lack of confidence. I haven't really had much in the way of relationships, with my longest one being about a month at most.

I know a lot of my issues come from my weight and while I'm sorting that out now, I don't know if it will completely cure the problem, even when I get thin.

I know I often get these thoughts in my head that people just don't like me, or even if they are friendly, they're kind of just tolerating me. They often don't do or say anything that would make me think this, it just seems to be my default opinion.

When it comes to girls I haven't had a whole lot of luck, but at the same time I've had comments over the years such as "he's really cute", "he's got a great smile", "I can't believe you don't have a girlfriend". But guess what, I don't. It's funny, I was watching an episode of Lois and Clark a few weeks ago and the story was about a guy who made himself invisible with the aid of a suit. At the end of it Lois said "See, that just proves there's no such thing as an invisible man" to which Clark replied quietly "Yes there is...". That's how I feel sometimes.

There was one girl I "met" recently and I tried to break the ice with her but she totally and utterly blanked me. I guess she wasn't interested but that kind of reaction isn't very nice, especially as I'm sure if the situation was reversed I'd be obliged to "give her a chance".

People always say "oh stop looking for someone and they will just show up". But how the hell do you do that when meeting someone seems to be on your mind so much? How do you do that when all your friends are in couples, or getting engaged, or getting married or having babies? How can you stop looking for something that seems to be on your mind so much and something you've never really had?

I hear this "girls can smell desperation" blah blah blah and I'm not sure I actually buy that. I think it's often just a cover for some girls to blank other guys and to do so with a clear conscience. When I'm out in a bar, I'm not standing there drooling over girls, leering after them like I've just arrived for shore leave after 2 years at sea in a submarine full of men.

I don't know if guys can smell desperation as to be honest, I don't give two f***s about guys and what they think. There's only one time that I can think of that I was around a girl who seemed desperate and she was so blantantly obvious that she was just out for a ONS, that it put all the guys off her.

Anyway OP I'm not really sure how to advise you. As I say I'm in the same boat myself. Apparently I seem to have a lot going for me, but the relationship side of my life is a total and utter non-event. I'd like to change it and while I've had a bit more success in the past year or two, I'm still like a baby not even able to walk when everyone around me are grown up, running marathon distances.

epgc3fyqirnbsx

Kinda in the sane boat here myself

First off, I don't have much of a problem pulling on a night out. The problem is when there's someone that I may have a bit of interest in. Recentky I've gotten to know a lot of girls, some really nice ones, who's friends have even told me that they're interested and tried to set me up.
But when it comes to there being an actual 'interest' my slick conversational abilities stop and I just can't really talk to them anymore, or if I can I just can't make the move.

But I know that it would be pretty easy if I just gave them a buzz during the week and asked to meet up.
But then I'm not too sure that I really want to becuase to be genuinely honest I'm a bit of a lazy bastard and like my 'me' time during the week with a book or a film or whatever.
But then there are evenings when I am bored and think I really should be with someone right now and I know I could.

Fact is, I don't really know if I want to be with someone or not, and when I think I do I don't do much about it.

I suppose I should just bite the bullet, man up and give it a go with someone.

Hmmm, haven't really given any advice but just felt like thinking (or typing) aloud!

LegacyUser

grandmaster wrote: »

Apparently I seem to have a lot going for me, but the relationship side of my life is a total and utter non-event. I'd like to change it and while I've had a bit more success in the past year or two, I'm still like a baby not even able to walk when everyone around me are grown up, running marathon distances.

This really struck a chord with me Grandmaster. I feel exactly the same. And it's so incredibly frustrating, because I don't feel as though I'm 'lacking' as a person or anything. I don't think I'm fundamentally 'undateable' or anything! I've got great friends and family and a good life, a good education, good prospects and the world at my feet in so many ways...and yet, throughout it all, through the good times and the bad times in my life, the relationship thing has been a non-starter. It's been like this FOREVER, no joke. It just. Doesn't. Happen.

Sometimes it frustrates me so much that I become utterly indignant about it...'there's nothing wrong with me, I'm smart and ambitious and friendly and sociable and good company and a good person and certainly far from bad looking...why am I endlessly left out of the relationship, and even the 'dating' world the entire time??' But invariably I'll then come to the conclusion that it's possibly more about what I'm NOT doing and realise that I've got more of a role to play in it than I'd like to think.

And I also get the 'invisible' feeling too. I almost feel as though I try to make myself 'invisible' by NOT making eye contact, not looking back at guys, not giving out any signals, not giving off an air of availability, not attracting attention to myself...because I'm either not in the habit/not aRsed, or there's something deeper going on.

I'm not interested in drunken hook-ups in clubs or ONS, been there, done that, it doesn't do a thing for me. I got into a pattern with that for a while, solely down to frustration with my lacking love life and just ended up feeling crap about myself. I'm ready for something meaningful. I'm just tired of trying to figure the whole thing out and always end up over-analysing, self-berating, amateur psychologising myself into a hole and getting nowhere.

Anyway. I get what Slasher was saying too about the conflicting thoughts about a relationship - wanting one, then realising your 'me' time is pretty important too and a relationship would require a big compromise on this. I guess a symptom of being eternally single is that you become answerable to no-one and get used to doing your own thing, not thinking about a second party. I feel like there's a load of 'single' habits I have that maybe I'm not willing to let go.

And thus the over-analysing begins...!!

neveah

Slasher the solution to your problem is to find a girl who likes to read and watch movies, you can do those things together then, win/win situation

Seriously though it does take effort, you have to make a move for it to advance to the next level, if you are too passive then I suppose things will pass you by, grab the bull by the horns and all that....

Easier said than done, I'm a total disaster too. I can do the whole eye contact thing but the guy would have to make the first move, I would not have the confidence to just walk up to him if I was genuinely interested in him. Even if he did come up chatting to me I'd let him ask for my number and I'd let him contact me first. Nothing to do with 'the rules' or anything like that I basically would not have the confidence to make the first move. I dunno is it a fear of rejection or what. It's a pity because maybe I've missed out on some opportunities because I'm like this. I'm very sociable, outgoing, chatty etc I don't know why I change into this wierd nervous person when it comes to the opposite sex! I blush really easily as well which can be so embarrassing!!

It's kind of reassuring to hear that I am not the only one who's like this!

OP i don't think you are destined to be alone forever, I have a few friends that have never been in long term relationships and they are in their late 20's. I'd say keep an open mind in the future, you never know what could blossom. My first serious boyfriend was no Brad Pitt but he was the nicest guy in the world, I developed a friendship with him first that led to an attraction and it progressed into a relationship. If I had not gotten to know him I may have overlooked him. Generally love is not like the movies as much as we'd all love to fall head over heels at first sight it generally doesn't happen like that. Anyway keep the faith and enjoy the search for your future OH

LegacyUser

wow, i cant believe there are so many people who feel exactly the same as I do.
im a girl, in college and pretty much in the same situation. never had a proper boyfriend, due mainly to a complete lack of self confidence i suppose. can hardly make eye contact with guys i get so nervous! nights out are a bit different, if i've had a few drinks ill chat if a guy talks to me, but wont go very far because for some reason I assume they don't actually have any interest in me, even if they compliment me, i think they're just desperate or something and would just go off to someone else if i wasnt there, or they'll get bored with me! god i realise how stupid this sounds, i need to grow up but i cant!
wish i could give advice, but i have the same problem! we need to figure out how to get over this!

panda100

grandmaster wrote: »

.I hear this "girls can smell desperation" blah blah blah and I'm not sure I actually buy that.

I agree that women cannot smell desperation but personally speaking I can smell a lack of self esteem a mile away. Grand Master you sound like a lovely person but there is no way I would want to get into a, relationship with someone who has serious esteem issues. Don't worry you are not alone,theres a lot of guys out there with similar esteem issues. Many throw themselves into a relationship that ultimately leave them unfulfilled as they haven't sorted out their own underlying issues of lack of belief in themselves.
I think the most attractive trait is belief in oneself. That you feel that people are just 'tolerating' you shows a real,lack of love in yourself. Its a bit of a cliche but I think its true, that you have to love yourself before anyone else can love you.