A slight pickle...

TinaKennard

Briefly......

I'm 29 and have been married 4 years, met my husband when i was 18, he was my first and only boyfriend. Since we got married we've built a house and worked really hard to achieve what we always wanted. I love my husband and could never hurt him.

From the outside, things are perfect, our lives are perfect.

On the inside......

I like girls

L.Jenkins

Oh that's a tough one to advise on! Have you spoken to him yet? It can be difficult to have achieved so much with someone and feel completely different at the end of the day. I'm not going to pretend to understand this one, do hang around and see what everyone else has to say.

LegacyUser

Hi,

Im 24 was in long term relationship when I discovered I liked d ladies also but in saying that I wasnt married or had a house.
Havin said this I have come across a few people in the same situation as yourself when I was trying to find my feet, quite a few, to my surprise, had told their partners how they felt and their partners had no prob leaving them go have their fun with the same sex and then come back to them. I think this is cos they assume its only a sexual attraction and no feelings will be involved. However I dont really believe this, personally the first time I slept with another girl I saw a massive difference and knew that whenever I would be involved with another female the probability of it simply being sex was slim to none!!

Ne ways, I know this might sound awful, but I wonder if you havent yet slept with another girl maybe would you consider doing so to then see where you stand? You never no, maybe its a thing where you are expecting great things, it may not live up to your expectations and you may have hurt your hubby.(am I not one for lies or affairs but this can be a confusing time and I know you wont want to hurt him unnecessarily!)
You need to be 100% sure before confusing your husband with this!
Dunno if this has been any help!

Herbal Deity

Quatro24 wrote: »

Hi,

Im 24 was in long term relationship when I discovered I liked d ladies also but in saying that I wasnt married or had a house.
Havin said this I have come across a few people in the same situation as yourself when I was trying to find my feet, quite a few, to my surprise, had told their partners how they felt and their partners had no prob leaving them go have their fun with the same sex and then come back to them. I think this is cos they assume its only a sexual attraction and no feelings will be involved. However I dont really believe this, personally the first time I slept with another girl I saw a massive difference and knew that whenever I would be involved with another female the probability of it simply being sex was slim to none!!

Ne ways, I know this might sound awful, but I wonder if you havent yet slept with another girl maybe would you consider doing so to then see where you stand? You never no, maybe its a thing where you are expecting great things, it may not live up to your expectations and you may have hurt your hubby.(am I not one for lies or affairs but this can be a confusing time and I know you wont want to hurt him unnecessarily!)
You need to be 100% sure before confusing your husband with this!
Dunno if this has been any help!

I'm sorry, but this is really shít advice. You appear to be advocating either cheating or fúcking with her husband's head.


It's quite simple really. You break up with him or you stay with him. If you are really only attracted to girls and not guys, i.e. him, then break up with him. If you are still attracted to him but are realizing you are also attracted to girls, then you may be bisexual, and if you wish to explore your attraction to girls, you must break up with him.

Do not go to him and ask if it's ok to explore your lesbian side to see if its for you. This would be incredibly unfair and selfish.

There was a thread on RI recently enough about a guy on the receiving end of this crap. He was in bits. I understand that some guys might not be bothered by their gf being with other girls, but if this is the case, this is something that should be established near the beginning of a relationship, not 11 years into it.

Quatro24

I totally c ur point Herbal Deity but I also think this is a situation where saying you either break up with him or dont might be a bit simplistic.
She has been with him so long and has a house etc.

And yeah it is bad to be on the 'receiving end of this crap' but this girl is also in a really bad situation.
As for it should be established at the beginning not 11 years in, perhaps she just didn know back then. I was def older than 18 before I realised my sexuality.

I didnt mean to offend any1, Im not saying cheating is ok but was just saying what I have seen work for different couples.

Herbal Deity

It's not simplistic at all.

Ok, it's a bit of a big deal in her life that she's realizing she's attracted to girls, but that doesn't change the fact that she's in a relationship.

She's either attracted to this guy and wants to stay with him or she's not. It really is that simple IMHO.

It's not necessarily the OP's fault she feels this way. It's unfortunate, but these things happen. However, he doesn't deserve to have his head messed with or be cheated on.

TinaKennard

The realisation has been a very gradual thing over about 2 years. I've just ignored it but i've been thinking about it alot lately as i'm becoming more sure.

I've never discussed it with him or anyone. Things are safe at the moment and will stay safe if i keep ignoring it. I think i'm ok with that...

Dwn Wth Vwls

Is it really fair to him to keep ignoring it? Are you actually attracted to him? Is it a sexual relationship or are you just best friends? Was it always this way, or did things change along the way?

Basically you need to figure out if you still love him romantically or not. If you also like girls, that's fine. If you only like girls, then you need to put a stop to this and give him the chance to find someone who can love him in that way.

TinaKennard

OP here!

Just wanted to give a status update on this thread which I made over a year ago...!

I am now in a relationship with an amazing girl :D:D

It's been a tough year but I am extremely happy with my current status

Any doubts I had about being gay are now truly confirmed. I now also know what love is.

What I had with my husband was a different kind of love and even though breaking his heart was soul destroying, I know that if he finds someone who loves him wholeheartedly, he will see that what we had was more of a habit than anything else.

I suppose I just wanted to give an update to give hope to anyone who may be in the situation I was in. Ignoring things for fear of hurting a partner/husband/wife is, in the long run, far worse than being honest and breaking someone's heart.

I am the happiest I have been in a long time. I'm not out or anything... one step at a time...!;) but I'm head over heels in love with aforementioned 'amazing girl' :):) and really looking forward to the future :):)

who what when

TinaKennard wrote: »

OP here!



It's been a tough year but I am extremely happy with my current status

Ignoring things for fear of hurting a partner/husband/wife is, in the long run, far worse than being honest and breaking someone's heart.
:):)

I wonder if your ex-husband feels the same way?
I have to say this is one of the most selfish posts I've ever read!

TinaKennard

We have both had an extremely tough year. Marriage break up is not a pleasant thing to go through, especially when you're the one ending the marriage. But things are a lot better now that we both know where we stand.

I didn't post details of the marriage break up or how my husband is feeling because the thread was about being confused about my sexuality. I simply wanted to give hope to anyone who may be in a similar situation. Being honest about your sexuality may seem like the worst thing in the world at the time, but as I said, staying in a loveless marriage for fear of upheaval or upsetting him was being more disrespectful to him than telling him the truth.

jaffacakesyum

who what when wrote: »

I wonder if your ex-husband feels the same way?
I have to say this is one of the most selfish posts I've ever read!

What do you suggest? She stay with her husband even though she's gay and doesn't love him?

I would HATE to stay married to somebody who didn't truly love me just out of fear of hurting me.

OP I'm delighted things are going well for you. I do feel sorry for your husband, and it must be a rough time for both of you but it's for the best in my opinion.

Shakti

Cant of been easy for either of you to go through this, and I hope life will start to get better for both of you also congrats on the new love. I've been through something similar a few years ago and know of more than one person who had to face the same. Relationships break up for all sorts of reasons somehow but apparently if your GLBT your supposed to feel particularly guilty as opposed to straight/cis people.

floggg

Herbal Deity wrote: »

It's quite simple really. You break up with him or you stay with him. If you are really only attracted to girls and not guys, i.e. him, then break up with him. If you are still attracted to him but are realizing you are also attracted to girls, then you may be bisexual, and if you wish to explore your attraction to girls, you must break up with him.

I know this is a bit irrelevant at this stage, but thats a fairly old fashioned view. I'm sure there are plenty of relationships where bisexual urges are accommodated by open relationships or group sex etc. it's not just gay people who have unconventional relationships. There are plenty of unconventional "hetero" relationships too.

Doop

You only get one shot on this earth and I think what ever the Op had to do was very brave. Yes of course its probably been soul destroying for her husband but he also has the chance of finding true love now.

My parents had a love less marriage, and I still cannot to this day understand how or why they spent their lives together...

Conor30

TinaKennard wrote: »

OP here!

Just wanted to give a status update on this thread which I made over a year ago...!

I am now in a relationship with an amazing girl :D:D

Delighted to hear you're in a much happier place and have a bagged a girl too!! Fair play to you! You did the right thing in the end for everyone. Hope 2012 continues to be a great year for you. Onward and upwards!

Caiseoipe19

TinaKennard wrote: »

Marriage break up is not a pleasant thing to go through, especially when you're the one ending the marriage.

Ah now I really don't see how you make that one out. To me it just sounds like you feel more sorry for yourself than the hurt you caused him.

Otherwise though, yeah it's probably for the best that you told him.

floggg

Cygnus wrote: »

Ah now I really don't see how you make that one out. To me it just sounds like you feel more sorry for yourself than the hurt you caused him.

Otherwise though, yeah it's probably for the best that you told him.

That's a pretty ****ty stupid and unneccesary thing to say.

First off its not like the OP set out to hurt him or betrayed him. Secondly I imagine the OP must have felt very responsible for the upset caused.

Get off your high horse, you've no right to judge the OP for what I'm sure was a very difficult experience.

Annasopra

Folks - please desist from making judgements about the op and calling her selfish

Nyan Cat

Good on you op, for not not ignoring your sexuality and for wont of a better word, living a lie. You're right it wouldn't be fair on him. I know it hurts like hell if someone doesnt feel the same but i could never say 'ah well, so long as I have them even if they don't feel the way I do'
I believe you're right. He will most likely come to see you did the right thing one day. Maybe when he meets someone special or just comes to terms.

I understand what you mean that it's especially harder for the one that breaks up because you have to work up the courage to break someone's heart. Someone you probably do care about on some level. And you feel like crap for what they are going through.
It doesn't make it easier on the other person. But there is still some truth in it.

They say it's a right to be happy. It's not exactly a human right. But it's something everyone deserves. Sometimes what makes one person happy makes another person miserable and thus it's a situation that can't continue.

polkabunny

Cygnus wrote: »

Ah now I really don't see how you make that one out. To me it just sounds like you feel more sorry for yourself than the hurt you caused him.

Otherwise though, yeah it's probably for the best that you told him.

At least you agree that it's for the best that she had told him. However, look at the first post of this thread. They had been together for quite a long time, and that meant that there was some form of love there, even if it wasn't the love that she has now experienced with her new partner.
Hurting people isn't nice. I'm sure she felt responsible for the hurt that came from that separation. After being that close to somebody, their mood also dictates your mood.
I doubt it was an ideal situation, but now it has been dealt with both parties can move on.

Caiseoipe19

floggg wrote: »

That's a pretty ****ty stupid and unneccesary thing to say.

First off its not like the OP set out to hurt him or betrayed him. Secondly I imagine the OP must have felt very responsible for the upset caused.

Get off your high horse, you've no right to judge the OP for what I'm sure was a very difficult experience.

I never suggested that the OP set out to hurt or betray him. I also never said that she doesn't feel responsible for the upset caused. I disagreed with one point that being that is even more unpleasant for the person ending the marriage, and I gave my opinion on how that came across to me. If you want to disagree with my opinion and argue otherwise why not just do that instead of putting words in my mouth and getting worked up? Although might be off topic if it's done in this thread.

You seem to have ignored the part about me agreeing that it was the right thing to do. Again, that's just my opinion.

mango salsa wrote: »

Folks - please desist from making judgements about the op and calling her selfish

Apologies, but I just disagreed with that one point she made.

polkabunny wrote: »

At least you agree that it's for the best that she had told him. However, look at the first post of this thread. They had been together for quite a long time, and that meant that there was some form of love there, even if it wasn't the love that she has now experienced with her new partner.
Hurting people isn't nice. I'm sure she felt responsible for the hurt that came from that separation. After being that close to somebody, their mood also dictates your mood.
I doubt it was an ideal situation, but now it has been dealt with both parties can move on.

Yeah I agree with you in what you said there, and that she might feel responsible for the hurt that came from the separation. It would take courage to do what she did and I think it's for the best. I just didn't think it was fair to be implying that it's not as unpleasant for her husband to go through. Just something that stood out for me, that's all!

BettePorter

who what when wrote: »

I wonder if your ex-husband feels the same way?
I have to say this is one of the most selfish posts I've ever read!

Eh In what way could this be selfish ? Because she chose to be honest with him rather than spend 40 years living in a one way marriage? How many couple do you know who are in that situation, living in denial rather than jump ship be honest and face up to the truth. I know a guy who called his wedding off 3 weeks before the day. They both moved on, married other ppl. I admire him more than someone who goes along with it for the sake of it cause he doesn't want to upset the bride or the family.

It's ppl like you who make it harder for ppl such as the op to make that leap of faith and follow their heart rather than spending time angsting over what the neighbours will say.

Given your opinion, I hope if or when your husband/ wife/ partner falls out of love with you they don't tell you, rather string you along in ignorant bliss for life. At least you'd be happy in your denial. Would that not be selfish ?

Plek Trum

OP - congratulations on finding the courage, strength and compassion to have made this change in your life and to have done the right thing for you and also your ex. I'm sure it wasn't easy by any stretch of the imgaination and I applaud you for finding the strength to be yourself. Don't take any of the negative comments above to heart.

You did a brave, most unselfish and courageous thing by being true to yourself and your ex. May 2012 bring EVERY happiness to you and your life - you've earned it well! x