I reckon I might be broken

LegacyUser

I'm a year out of a six year relationship. The past year has been tough, the last relationship was pretty destructive and in the last six months of it I was suffering from pretty extreme depression. Anyway I got out of it, and got back on my two feet. Reconnected with my friends and made a lot of distance. Had lots of good casual random sex (its a real healer) and a few more long term acquaintances that I never took seriously. And than about two months ago I met this girl who blew me away. She's beautiful, she's classy, she's very smart, she's really balanced and independent. I had pretty much decided I wouldn't be exclusive with a girl for a long time and yet from the very first moment I met this girl I've been completely devoted to her.

Than over the past month I've slowly noticed the telltale signs of depression creeping back in. I repressed this and ignored it and tried to just keep going regardless. Today I woke up and I couldn't get out of bed. This was so familiar to when I was really suffering a year ago I couldn't ignore it. I had a **** load of fun things planned for this weekend and I knew I couldn't handle any of it. I contacted everyone and let them know I wouldn't be around and they were all cool with it.

I let my girl know that I wouldn't be seeing her that night and tried to be distant. She's busy with college and I didn't want to distract her. She figured it out pretty fast and she's super understanding about what's going on. I explained to her early on about my depression and what I'd been through. She's really supportive and wants to be there.

Basically I've spent most of today trying to look inside myself and figure out why I've fallen into this ****ing curse of depression again. I really thought I'd licked it. Fundamentally I have a belief that I'm bad for my partner that I'm a poison she's better off away from. In my past relationship my ex had an awful lot of ****ty stuff going on in her family and her past and they kept blowing up. I spent an awful lot of that time supporting her and dealing with her pain. She's left me with a few scars.

I don't think I've held anyone in such high esteem as I do with my girl. I don't want to inflect on her what I went through with my ex. I don't want to hurt her. We were talking for a bit this evening and I pretty much laid out everything I've said here. She was really understanding and was willing to do whatever for me. I don't need her support I've got a lot of friends, family and professional help. I've also been through a lot of depression myself and I'm able to look after myself.

She suggested that I wasn't ready for this relationship that its too soon. She's willing to be there for me as a friend. I honestly believe that she could be the best thing to happen to me and she's an amazing girl. I can't say if I'm ready for this now or not. But I don't want to hurt her or **** up her future. Part of me things its better to let her go and get over that myself rather than tangle her up in all my baggage. I really don't think I'm thinking terrible clearly at the moment and I don't know why I'm coming here. Its been years since I've visited this site and I used to think this forum was a bit of a joke.

I don't know, do you think its a good idea to end a relationship because you feel you will end up hurting the other person in the long run and no matter how much you feel for them and want them you'd rather seen them go through the short term pain of a separation rather than put them through hell in the future? How can I know I really am broken? That I will end up hurting her. Do I turn my back on a genuine chance at happiness because I think I'm personally destructive. Basically if I do this am I accepting that I'm never going to function in a relationship (I don't see time being a huge healer here and this girl couldn't be more perfect/understanding about my issues). Where does that leave me?

I don't think I'm looking for any answers, I don't believe there are any. I just wanted to get it out.

LegacyUser

My heart goes out to you. I think you should listen to your girlfriend when she says that you need time to heal. It's not a waste of time to pay attention to your thoughts and feelings. Somedays, it'll feel like an uphill sturggle. Other days, it'll feel like you've made a great breakthrough. The key is to stick at it even in the bad times because the rewards are worth it.
If you stay with your girlfriend, you'll torment yourself thinking that your depression is ruining things. It's happened once where your depression got the better of you while with your girlfriend, and already it's tormenting you.
Make it your priority to heal yourself by whatever method (talking to friends/counsellor/family). You deserve to give yourself the time and respect to sort things out.

Good luck

Ickle Magoo

Have you been to your GP and told them how you feel? If you think you have depression or feel an episode of depression coming on then they have to be your first port of call. Perhaps arranging counselling might help too to investigate why you have such a low opinion of yourself and as a partner? Are you keeping active and eating well? I'm not sure cancelling all interaction for retrospection and naval gazing is really going to help you.