Extreme Difficulty Expressing Feelings

LegacyUser

I have alot of trouble expressing my feelings verbally. With anyone. Even my closest friends. Very few people know what girls I like. Very rarely will I comment on whether such and such a girl is hot or not. At the same time though, I could be spilling my guts to a complete stranger with relative ease.

This is in relationship issues because the problem is, I've been seeing this girl (who I really like) for a few weeks. I want to tell her how I feel about her, how much I like her and that I want to be her boyfriend. I know some of you will be thinking this is a bad idea but we've spent alot of time together recently and we're basically going out but it's not "official" yet.

The trouble is, I can't seem to do it. I've had plenty of opportunities to do so, but I just "can't" do it. I can't tell her how I feel. It takes me ages to open up, and then, when I'm eventually able to overcome this "barrier", everything just spills out at once and makes no sense. I just have some sort of mental block, where I just go silent when I really want to say something that will potentially hurt me. As if I have this deep seated defense mechanism against pain. I also feel that I'm concentrating on overcoming this so much that I sometimes forget to say some things I want to say, or at least I don't communicate them properly. Like I lie awake at nights cursing myself thinking "why did I say it like that?" or "Why didn't I ask her this?" or "Why didn't I say this?"

I want to tell her how much she means to me. I want to be there for her for better or for worse. I want her to tell me she feels the same way. I need to hear her say she feels the same way. Her actions show she does, but I need to hear her say it. Is that asking too much?

Zen65

mentalblock wrote: »

Is that asking too much?

Possibly.

What age are you?


Z

thefeatheredcat

communication is a 2 way street.

desiring for her to be upfront and communicate what she feels is great, but you will have to be able to also communicate what you feel. If in her behaviour it shows how she feels and you've spent time together, she may just be patient with you, giving you the time not just to figure out how you feel, but finding a way of expressing it. She may have figured out that you have difficulty expressing your feelings.

Just relax....think about what you want to say and show how you feel in other ways first. Are you creative? Use creative abilities to show how you feel. Spend some time exploring different ways to communicate what you feel to get yourself more confident in expressing yourself verbally.

Expressing feelings verbally can be daunting, because once words are out there, you can't take them back. You have to find a way of getting over this obstacle. So you need to get comfortable and let go of risking getting hurt or feeling pain.

I would think though, if there's something special between ye and the words come out wrong, she'll be understanding. Do it little by little, take small chunks of the elephant, small jumps, take your time. Use gestures and affection to show how you feel.

LegacyUser

Zen65 wrote: »

Possibly.

What age are you?


Z

I'm 19...does it make much of a difference what age I am? Just curious how you came to ask that.

Thanks

Zen65

mentalblock wrote: »

.....
I can't tell her how I feel. It takes me ages to open up, and then, when I'm eventually able to overcome this "barrier", everything just spills out at once and makes no sense. I just have some sort of mental block, where I just go silent when I really want to say something that will potentially hurt me.
......
I want to tell her how much she means to me.
I want to be there for her for better or for worse.
I want her to tell me she feels the same way.
I need to hear her say she feels the same way.
Her actions show she does, but I need to hear her say it.

Is that asking too much?

Your age has a lot to do with it. Reading your OP (esp the bits which I've multi-quoted above) you come across as somebody who's only impediment is that they are young and inexperienced, but they have expectations appropriate to an older, more mature person & relationship. If you had been in your mid-twenties or older I'd be advising to you to talk to a relationship counsellor, or do some assertiveness training, but this is not necessary for you. You are mentally articulate (you express yourself well here in the anonymity of Boards) but you have yet to learn how to translate this into vocal dialogue, and really that only comes with practice, which takes time.

Expectations of emotional maturity are sometimes skewed by the movie industry, where even the most insecure teenager seems to be able to make keynote speeches (aided by background music to convey their feelings) at critical moments in the story. Real life is mostly unlike that, and people struggle to express even simple thoughts at awkward moments in their lives, especially when opening their thoughts raises the potential for rejection. The skill to speak these thoughts comes with age, experience, and sometimes not at all.

There are practical things you can do to improve your skills. Take up a class in public speaking, or in drama, or join something like Toastmasters where you can learn to speak in front of people without fear. Actually there's always fear, but you can learn to control it. I am frequently called upon to do public speaking and even now, after a few decades, I get butterflies in the moments before I open my mouth. Age teaches me to control these, and let the butterflies out.

While you work on these skills, consider also this.........

You are young; relationships at your age are not inherently stable by nature, as both you and your girl will only be starting to understand what it is you want in life, and from a partner. Enjoy each relationship, but do not leap too quickly to invest all of your emotions in any one other person. It is unnatural to expect that this girl will be your only girlfriend, and that you will go on to marry each other & stay partners for life. To be crude, it's a bit like buying a car .... you have to experience driving a few models before you know what really suits you for the long haul.

You say you need to hear her say she feels the same way, but this is too much to ask so soon. Work on the relationship, enjoy it, work on developing your own skills of communication, and for now place less emphasis on your "needs" from her.



Be at peace,


Z

Fahrrad

I tihnk the post above is good advice. But if you need a quick fix to tell her how you feel about her now, why not just write down your feelings and give her that page? It might be a good idea to say on the note why you are expressing this in writing. But it is far better than allowing her to wrongly feel unappreciated.