Need man advice

LegacyUser

I was in a long term relationship for a few years = we went through a bad patch this time last year and my ex was working 11 hour days with a huge work load and was forever in terrible form and didn't want to do anything with me - for a finish I got fed up with the fighting etc so I moved out at christmas time - after a few months of being apart I really started to miss him and we were still in contact - when I met him he was working regular hours again and out playing sport and was happy...we started hanging out watching movies, cooking meals together etc..we have also been making love and for the last few months have been seeing each other regularly - I felt like I had my old bf back and all was well in the world

However, on bringing the discussion of how I wanted to get back together he said he had reservations and really wasn't sure

he said he loved me and is highly attracted to me and we have a great time when we hang out but he just doesn't know

and he doesn't think its a good idea

Can I get a male perspective here - what does he want from me

its sounds like all the boxes are being ticked so why can't he take that leap of faith

I really want to show him how wonderful it could be and nothing bad happened ie. nobody two timed etc - I dont feel like there is anything that cant be solved.

Also before anyone tells me to move on etc can I say this is my man and I will fight for him and I want to try it all before I throw the towel in

thefeatheredcat

Im not a man, but I'll offer something anyway...

I've worked incredibly long hours in last job before to the point that some of my friends took issue with me when I wouldn't meet up and thought my genuine reasons of being tired etc were just excuses and that I didn't want to spend time with them etc etc. They weren't very empathetic that I had a lot of responsibilities, that I often had to do extra work beyond my pay scale and fill my boss's shoes when they were away, all of which I enjoyed because of the challenge, had the drive and motivation for, knew it would stand in the long run, but it effected my personal relationships. Often too, I wouldn't be up to dealing with a friend upset with me because I just wouldn't have the energy.

I think that for your ex, the way it sounds that he worked the long hours and I get the hint that you had rows with him over spending time and being unhappy with eachother.

It's not a nice feeling letting other people down because of working long hours, or not having the time to spend with those you care about and then being berated for making a success of yourself....and I felt lousy to my friends and guilty.

From what I can see, you ended things with your ex when he was busy working difficult hours and had no time for himself or you.... now he's working 'normal' hours, is able to relax and do other things other than work and now you're there for him wanting to cosy up again.

I would think that while it's all good on paper he may be insecure that should he end up working long hours again/get promoted/more responsibility that you'll be unhappy again, fighting again and up and leave again and make him feel guilty for having to work the hours in the first place.

I think you need to show and prove that you're there for the ups and the downs, the good and the bad, the tough and the easy and not just when life is a breeze. Show understanding and support if he has to work long hours rather than getting upset and being unsupportive.

brendansmith

It sounds to me like he is enjoying his downtime.

With you not constantly there he can organise his life and make the time you spend together more enjoyable rather than having the burden of having to be constantly 'on'.

I mean you say you had to move out because you were fighting so much, he was up to his eyes in work and when he came home you fought with him. Who wants to sign back up for that?

Relax, enjoy what you have now and stop nagging him to move in together. You will only push him away.

PS Im a man

TitoPuente

How would you feel if the two of you got back together, moved back in with each other again and he had to work a load of late hours for an extended period of time again? Out of necessity of otherwise?

Zen65

verymuchinlove wrote: »

Can I get a male perspective here - what does he want from me

As a man who's had jobs that required many months of working 12 hours / 7 days, I understand some of the frustrations and fears he may have.

I did not chose to work those hours, or at least not initially, but to get the job done well and hence provide for my family I had to work them. Of course it caused stress in the home, but from my perspective the work gave me fulfilment and the satisfaction of knowing that I was able to provide a better life for my wife and family. To continue like that, I needed the love and understanding of my family - which, mostly, I was fortunate to receive. There were occasional arguments, but nothing too serious, and mostly prompted by my wife's concern for my health. .... and she was right, of course.

If my wife had decided to leave me because of that I would have seen it as a betrayal, and I would have been deeply hurt.

I'm guessing (tainted by my own experience) that he is afraid that if he ever needs to work long hours again the fights will start once more, and he is unsure that you won't simply walk away from him again. It's easier to avoid the hurt, so by keeping a distance (not living with you) he believes the fights might be avoided.

I could be completely wrong, I know my own experience is greatly influencing my reading of your situation, and that could be wide of the mark.

Be at peace,

Z

DamoKen

verymuchinlove wrote: »

after a few months of being apart I really started to miss him and we were still in contact it took a few months to realise this???

I felt like I had my old bf back and all was well in the world so now that he isn't working as hard things should go back to normal as though nothing happened?

its sounds like all the boxes are being ticked so why can't he take that leap of faith you want him to take a leap of faith after leaving him previously?

I really want to show him how wonderful it could be and nothing bad happened ie. nobody two timed etc - I dont feel like there is anything that cant be solved. if that is true why did you break up in the first place?

I've quoted a few parts from your post that stood out for me. Not trying to have a go at you OP, just questions I'd be asking myself if this happened to me.

If my OH were to finish with me due to my work commitments putting pressure on our private life I would be very skeptical of making another go of it a few months down the road when she now felt circumstances were right and "all the boxes were ticked".

What happens when the next crisis/obstacle/challenge raises it's head?

For me one of the key elements of a successful relationship is 100% confidence and assurance that my OH has got my back, is there for me and vice versa.

As a guy I'm with Zen on this one. If my OH left me over work commitments or something of that nature that as a couple we should have been able to get through together I would see it as a betrayal.

Not sure if I would ever feel the same level of confidence or trust with that person again.

Maybe over time he will but OP don't be expecting things to go back to how you want them overnight just because you think circumstances are right now.

LegacyUser

A guy's reading of this:

He enjoys the free sex he's getting from you without having to make much effort.

But he doesn't think you're the person he wants to spend the rest of his life with, you're not "the one", he's enjoying his freedom, keeping an eye out for a better woman to come along to spend his life with and meanwhile getting free sex from his ex who he's not all that bothered about but it makes his days waiting for the One to come along all the more pleasurable.

Taltos

Me - well I would want to take it slowly. Having bailed once already when he was under huge pressure - well come on - you have already shown how you react to stress/bad times. Hardly the type of person I would want around me long-term. "Fair weather friend" is what I think it used to be called.

Suggest you either just take is slowly or you have a chat to see where you are going and why what happened before happened. Doubtless both of you had a part to play in the split - it would be good to recognize those parts and to try to work on ensure that history does not repeat next time he gets a lot of work on.

LegacyUser

Thanks for your comments ops

I would just like to add that there were other factors involved in the break up, it all just started with the work thing and I too was very concerned for his health esp his mental health as he was getting no thanks for the extra work load.....also I was suffering from depression at the time and I had to get out before I had a nervous breakdown as I wasn't being supported in the slightest due to OH work

Can it be that he just is using me for free sex even though we shared our life and dreams for so many years - can its just turn into that....I really wouldn't have expected it for him

He says just before we meet up these days he feels stressed but I feel that is related to the rows we used to have and he is still in that mind frame as we don't argue anymore..

I just want to show him I was wrong and for him to give me a second chance, I have given him second chances and I just want him to give me one

I have sorted myself out with therapy and medication and am very strong and want to show him I am a better person

LegacyUser

verymuchinlove wrote: »

Thanks for your comments ops

I would just like to add that there were other factors involved in the break up, it all just started with the work thing and I too was very concerned for his health esp his mental health as he was getting no thanks for the extra work load.....also I was suffering from depression at the time and I had to get out before I had a nervous breakdown as I wasn't being supported in the slightest due to OH work

Can it be that he just is using me for free sex even though we shared our life and dreams for so many years - can its just turn into that....I really wouldn't have expected it for him

He says just before we meet up these days he feels stressed but I feel that is related to the rows we used to have and he is still in that mind frame as we don't argue anymore..

I just want to show him I was wrong and for him to give me a second chance, I have given him second chances and I just want him to give me one

I have sorted myself out with therapy and medication and am very strong and want to show him I am a better person

I think you're really missing the point and I'm surprised other posters aren't picking up on some of the clear signs here.

Feeling stressed before meeting you is a really bad sign. You should be excited at the prospect of meeting up with your lover, not feeling stressed!

I would have little doubt if I was in your situation that he's just using you for sex until he finds someone that he falls for. I think in his head, your relationship with him is long a thing of the past. He's not interested in pursuing a long term relationship with you again, he's told you this but you refuse to accept it and continue to hassle him, hence him feeling the stress.

There are VERY few men out there who will turn down sex if it is available, I get the impression you are sleeping with them with the hopes of winning him back, but he sees it as a free supply readily available to him, and why not use it if he's not seeing anyone else right now. But the day that someone else comes along and catches his eye, be prepared to be cast aside and forgotten about.

I think you really need to examine what you are doing here, are you simply sleeping with him because you think it'll win him back, keep him interested? You want a relationship with him but he does not want one with you, yet he continues to have sex with you. It can't be more simple. You are being used.

LegacyUser

OP I see what you are saying loud and clear but what I am asking is how I can win him back

I want him back - I want to know what steps I should take to win him back

DamoKen

OP no one can give you any "magic" set of steps to win him back. To be even thinking along the lines of "winning" him back doesn't bode well.

One thing that struck me as odd is the only posts you seemed to have taken anything out of was where it was suggested he may only be using you for sex?

Did nothing said before that register? Personally I disagree with both posters suggesting he's just using you for sex. It's a very simplistic and frankly degrading view on men in general.

If this was a simple FB situation or you had only gone on a few dates prior to splitting than yes, maybe he would be using you.

But it's not a simple situation. You said yourself you had been in a longterm relationship prior to you deciding to call it a day as he wasn't/couldn't be there for you when you needed him.

Instead of simply asking what's the best way to win him back maybe a better question should be "Would it be good for him to go back to you?".

So far you haven't given much indication that it would be and maybe he's wondering the same. You just seem to be disregarding any consideration or possibility of how he may have been hurt by you breaking up with him, instead you're pushing that to the side and looking for a "quick fix" to turn the clock back to how things used to be.

Rebuilding trust takes time, it doesn't happen overnight. As has already been said you need to slow down and take it as though you've only met instead of simply trying to pick up where you left off before you split.

I'd also advise you to stop sleeping together until you are both clear on what you want.

LegacyUser

You cant win someone back, you are not a prize. It has to be a decision that comes from him and you cannot make him see or do anything he doesnt want to see or do himself.

In my opinion you are just someone to keep his bed warm while he waits for a supportive lady who he will fall in love with to come along. He is thinking of you with as little regard as you thought for him last year when you walked out on him!

Leave him be, and go find yourself a man who doesnt have as many outside pressures etc both of you deserve to be happy with your "type" and you arent his "type".

LegacyUser

I have tried talking to him but all he ever says is "I don't know" and this is his answer for everything

If he still loves me, still is attracted to me and admits he really enjoys hangout out I cant see what else it is he wants from me

LegacyUser

DamoKen wrote: »

OP no one can give you any "magic" set of steps to win him back. To be even thinking along the lines of "winning" him back doesn't bode well.

One thing that struck me as odd is the only posts you seemed to have taken anything out of was where it was suggested he may only be using you for sex?

Did nothing said before that register? Personally I disagree with both posters suggesting he's just using you for sex. It's a very simplistic and frankly degrading view on men in general.

If this was a simple FB situation or you had only gone on a few dates prior to splitting than yes, maybe he would be using you.

Maybe the OP knows deep down that this IS in fact a FB situation and hence the other advice didn't apply to her situation?

DamoKen wrote: »

I'd also advise you to stop sleeping together until you are both clear on what you want.

I agree with this. That'll also clear up any questions regarding an FB situation. If he gradually disappears from your life and stops making effort once you tell him there will be no more sex for now, then you'll know you're not worth the effort to him and that he will find a sex supply elsewhere.

I'm curious to know if he is now living as a single man? Has he been seeing other women during your break?

Taltos

I was also going to suggest what DamoKen put to you.

Stop the sex for a few weeks or months.
Try on rebuilding the emotional side of your relationship, focus on the trust and communication.

He may not be using you for sex - but equally - if he has moved on emotionally then it is a possibility.
In terms of being stressed up before you meet... I mean as above that is a warning sign.

Maybe you both need some more time apart. But do try to have a serious chat and agree if you can on a way forward. Do though try to prepare yourself for the worst, hope for the best but be prepared - this breakup may have shunted him emotionally out of being with you longterm and he might just be quite happy with that.

Liberal Irishman

verymuchinlove wrote: »

I was in a long term relationship for a few years = we went through a bad patch this time last year and my ex was working 11 hour days with a huge work load and was forever in terrible form and didn't want to do anything with me - for a finish I got fed up with the fighting etc so I moved out at christmas time - after a few months of being apart I really started to miss him and we were still in contact - when I met him he was working regular hours again and out playing sport and was happy...we started hanging out watching movies, cooking meals together etc..we have also been making love and for the last few months have been seeing each other regularly - I felt like I had my old bf back and all was well in the world

However, on bringing the discussion of how I wanted to get back together he said he had reservations and really wasn't sure

he said he loved me and is highly attracted to me and we have a great time when we hang out but he just doesn't know

and he doesn't think its a good idea

Can I get a male perspective here - what does he want from me

its sounds like all the boxes are being ticked so why can't he take that leap of faith

I really want to show him how wonderful it could be and nothing bad happened ie. nobody two timed etc - I dont feel like there is anything that cant be solved.

Also before anyone tells me to move on etc can I say this is my man and I will fight for him and I want to try it all before I throw the towel in

I think it takes some people a very long time to get over the hurt of ‘rejection’.

If things are as good as you think, time will be the true teller.

Otis Driftwood

Dont bump old threads please.