Unwanted pregnacy

LegacyUser

This will be a long read I´m afraid.

I´m a mess at the moment and i don´t know what to do. I had an abortion once and never thought I´d found myself facing a second one but here I am...

The first time I was pregnant was 3 years ago when I was 20. I´d just moved to Ireland and decided to go out and have some fun and meet new people. Fast forward, I end up with a guy we go to this place and you can guess the rest. The day after, I went home and thought no more of it, untill 3 weeks later I suddenly became very sick in the morning and a light went on in my head. I did a pregnancy test which was positive.

I decided to have an abortion. I wasn´t in a position to have a child but also for another reason; the child was of a black man and my parents are very rasict, they alway told us they see black people as little better than pigs. They said they couldn´t bare the shame of having a black grandchild and told me that if I kept the baby I would no longer be their daughter. To prevent a fall out with my parents and family and because I considered myself not ready for a baby, I decided to terminate the pregnancy.

Since june this year I have a boyfriend. I told him from the start that i had an unwanted pregnancy before and that we had to be very careful and always use protection which we did. After a month or so I discovered that we weren´t really suitable for each other. I found him to be very clingy and I felt as though he was suffocating me. I told him to take it easy but it didn´t really sink in.

I had finally found the courage to tell the bad news as I can´t stand hurting people, but had to go to the doctor first because I had cystitis and knew I needed medication. He told me i had indeed cystitis and congratulated me with being pregnant. I had no idea and literally fell off the chair in the doctor´s office.

Looking at the situation objectively, I´m again in no position to raise a child. I just had my hours cut and earn between 800-850 a month. After the first pregnancy, my parents told me that if it happend again in the near future, I wouldn´t have to count on them, they would not help me. My remaining family lives on the other side of the country and would not be able to help out either. I don´t really have any friends for support either. Since I´m employed on recruitment basis, there´s very little chance they keep me after the birth, so then I´ll be unemployed with a newborn.

The boyfriend I know, would help, as he´s very reliable I just don´t see it working between the two of us longterm and i don´t think I could live with him in one house.

In my mind I think that termination would again be the best option but I´m not sure if I could go through it a second time. I could really do with some advice from people who´ve been in a similar situation such as this. All help would be very welcome.

Nevyn

Wompa1 banned for a week for unhelpful posts.

Nevyn

don´tknowwhattodo it is a horrible situation to be in, seems like you have some figuring out to do. You can get crises pregnancy counselling to help you with what you are think and feeling before you make your decision. And if you do decide to travel again there is counselling for you afterwards.

http://www.positiveoptions.ie/

Partizan

don´tknowwhattodo wrote: »

This will be a long read I´m afraid.

I´m a mess at the moment and i don´t know what to do. I had an abortion once and never thought I´d found myself facing a second one but here I am...

The first time I was pregnant was 3 years ago when I was 20. I´d just moved to Ireland and decided to go out and have some fun and meet new people. Fast forward, I end up with a guy we go to this place and you can guess the rest. The day after, I went home and thought no more of it, untill 3 weeks later I suddenly became very sick in the morning and a light went on in my head. I did a pregnancy test which was positive.

I decided to have an abortion. I wasn´t in a position to have a child but also for another reason; the child was of a black man and my parents are very rasict, they alway told us they see black people as little better than pigs. They said they couldn´t bare the shame of having a black grandchild and told me that if I kept the baby I would no longer be their daughter. To prevent a fall out with my parents and family and because I considered myself not ready for a baby, I decided to terminate the pregnancy.

Since june this year I have a boyfriend. I told him from the start that i had an unwanted pregnancy before and that we had to be very careful and always use protection which we did. After a month or so I discovered that we weren´t really suitable for each other. I found him to be very clingy and I felt as though he was suffocating me. I told him to take it easy but it didn´t really sink in.

I had finally found the courage to tell the bad news as I can´t stand hurting people, but had to go to the doctor first because I had cystitis and knew I needed medication. He told me i had indeed cystitis and congratulated me with being pregnant. I had no idea and literally fell off the chair in the doctor´s office.

Looking at the situation objectively, I´m again in no position to raise a child. I just had my hours cut and earn between 800-850 a month. After the first pregnancy, my parents told me that if it happend again in the near future, I wouldn´t have to count on them, they would not help me. My remaining family lives on the other side of the country and would not be able to help out either. I don´t really have any friends for support either. Since I´m employed on recruitment basis, there´s very little chance they keep me after the birth, so then I´ll be unemployed with a newborn.

The boyfriend I know, would help, as he´s very reliable I just don´t see it working between the two of us longterm and i don´t think I could live with him in one house.

In my mind I think that termination would again be the best option but I´m not sure if I could go through it a second time. I could really do with some advice from people who´ve been in a similar situation such as this. All help would be very welcome.

Hi OP, I'm sorry that things are happening for you like this. Your parents sound like a bunch of nasty racist pigs and you are better off without them judging from the sound of their attitude towards you. FFS they are spposed to be there to protect and love you yet the first time when you required their help, they bailed. Which country are you from? Is racism towards people of darker skin an issue among society there?

The best thing you can do now is go seek advice and counselling. I suggest Positive Options - http://www.positiveoptions.ie/

They will give you all the support and help you need. Good luck.

Benincasa

OP: I really feel for you. I hope everything works out for you.

I understand what you are saying about not feeling that you could go through with it a second time.

I have found the people at <SNIP>to be very genuine and understanding and non-judgemental. They are legitimate and won't put any pressure on you. Their number is <SNIP>

Best of luck with whatever you decide.

Wagon

If you don't want to go through with it again, then the best bet is probably adoption.

barleybooley

Hi OP

What a tough situation, my heart goes out to you.

First off, your parents seem nasty enough, I mean to say what they said about an innocent unborn child is just horrible. Parents are supposed to help their kids out in anyway they can. TBH, I think you should just distance yourself from them until you figure out what you're going to do.
The general feeling is to talk to people in the know and I would also urge you to do this, talking to an unbiased professional will almost definitely shed some light on the matter.
How far along are you? i.e. have you enough time to consider all options?

ted1

single parents are well looked after in this country. Do some research and you'll find that you should be ok. Are you willing to give up your life and be a mother 24 7?

LegacyUser

Hey everyone,

Thanks for all the replies. To answer some questions, I´m from the netherlands and living there. My parents have always disliked dark people which is why they didn´t want to have anything to do with the first pregnancy. I really don´t know how I feel towards this one though, and I´m not sure whether Im ready to give up my life just yet. Also, there´s no one around that could possibly help, no parents, no other familymember no friends, it just feels like I´m totally on my own.

I´ve spoken to an organization that deals with "crisis pregnancy" as they call it and they told me I don´t have to abort the child for financial concerns which is true because single parents are very well taken care of in NL, but I´m afraid I can´t love my baby, that I´ll blame it for ruining my life or something. I never really wanted to have childeren, but i really don´t want to have another abortion either and it feels like I have to choose between two "evils" here, for the lack of a better expression.

Nevyn

There is another option, you have have the baby and put it up for adoption, there are many parents who would love to adopt a child and so few children come up for adoption in this country that many after years of being checked and vetted are on waiting lists and often have to travel to aisa to try and adopt.

analbeads

if you cannot go throu with an abortion you should consider adoption.
if you did choose adoption you still have the choice of keeping the baby if you were to change your mind.
you feel you cannot love your child but this may change when you have a scan, hear the heartbeat, feel the first kicks or when you see their face for the first time.

for other reasons you might feel like you cannot give your child a great life and choose a family that provide for the child and love it like there own. at least from this situation you would know that you brought such happiness to a childless couple and that you have created a life

Kidchameleon

OP,

You don't necessarily have to be in a relationship with the father in order for things to work out with the baby. It is very possible to have a very happy friendship and raise a child living separately. To be perfectly honest, I would disregard anything your parents are saying. They have shown that they are insensitive and racist and don't really know what they are talking about.

Penny Lane

What a terrible situation for you, I do feel for you. I'd agree that there are options other than abortion if you really can't face it again. Check out all your options before you do anything. If you really don't want a child in the future you should look at more reliable contraception like the coil to prevent yourself being in this situation ever again.

LegacyUser

I was once in your position, although not with the same circumstances, of facing a second termination. I thought I would go through hell as I was working in an office with another girl who got pregnant too, literally on the same day as myself. She was married and looking forward to her first baby and I had to weigh up the considerations of working alongside someone whose pregnancy would mirror exactly the one I was deciding whether to terminate or not, or look for a new job. In the end I went ahead with the abortion and managed fine even to watching her get bigger daily over the nine months and eventually have her baby. There were times I cried and wished I'd opted for a different solution but on the whole I was able to put it aside and not dwell on it. I think because I knew in my heart and soul that I had taken the right path for me it didn't hurt as much as it might have for someone who wasn't sure.

The moral of the story is that you will know, deep down, which is the right course for you to take and although you may have conflicting feelings at different times, you will eventually chose the one which is right for you. Listen to advice and mull it over but go with your own gut feeling. Good luck with it. It isn't an easy decision and abortion isn't always the easy path that many feel it is.