Is this because of me?

LegacyUser

Ok, so I think I am suffering a little bit of shock.
I usually mess around on my OHs computer, when we are not together he looks at porn which I don't have a problem with really. Today I clicked into a dating/sex site he had been on. He has a profile and has been talking to other women, his profile picture is of his penis! I didnt look through all the messages as I felt a bit sick but he had even sent one to a girl asking what she was up today! I can't believe and I really don't know what to do with this infomation.

We have been going out for 5 years, we don't live together, but spend most nights with eachother. I am almost sure that he wouldn't cheat on me, but saying that I never thought I would see him on a smutty dating site.

I have all these thoughts now going through my head, is it because he is not happy with me that he on there, or is he a pervert? what makes men and women go on these kinds of websites?

shoes34

internet problem wrote: »

Today I clicked into a dating/sex site he had been on. He has a profile and has been talking to other women, his profile picture is of his penis!


I am almost sure that he wouldn't cheat on me, but saying that I never thought I would see him on a smutty dating site.

Not to sound horrible, but are you sure it was him and also if you are almost sure he wouldn't cheat on you what is he doing on a dating/sex site?

Darlughda

internet problem wrote: »

Ok, so I think I am suffering a little bit of shock.
I usually mess around on my OHs computer, when we are not together he looks at porn which I don't have a problem with really. Today I clicked into a dating/sex site he had been on. He has a profile and has been talking to other women, his profile picture is of his penis! I didnt look through all the messages as I felt a bit sick but he had even sent one to a girl asking what she was up today! I can't believe and I really don't know what to do with this infomation.

We have been going out for 5 years, we don't live together, but spend most nights with eachother. I am almost sure that he wouldn't cheat on me, but saying that I never thought I would see him on a smutty dating site.

I have all these thoughts now going through my head, is it because he is not happy with me that he on there, or is he a pervert? what makes men and women go on these kinds of websites?

There are loads of married/attached men on those dating/sex sites with all kinds of pictures and webcams of them **** etc. A lot of them get their rocks off especially if their OH's are a bit prudish about sex, considering it 'dirty' or 'smutty'. Whatever.

I don't mean to be cruel to your situation, OP. I can understand what a shock it can be. When I first discovered my husband using porn ten years ago, I felt similar to you, thinking it was somehow myself to blame.

Its not you. But it is worth loosing the naieve rose tinted glasses with regard to sexual relationships.

Most of them are indulging in cybersex. Some others do hook up for NSA or fcuk buddie arrangements.

Kimia

Darlughda wrote: »

Its not you. But it is worth loosing the naieve rose tinted glasses with regard to sexual relationships.

Most of them are indulging in cybersex. Some others do hook up for NSA or fcuk buddie arrangements.

Excuse me? So you're saying that she shouldn't be annoyed because most of them do it, even worse, some of them hook up and have short term affairs behind the girlfriend/wife's back?

I don't know what men you've had the unfortunate experience of being with but I'm sure 'most' men are faithful tbh. Why are you tarring most men with this cheating brush? I think it's very unfair and also slightly insensitive.

OP, I really really do not believe that 'most' men are indulging in online affairs etc. It's very disrespectful and I would be sick at the thoughts of my oh doing this. Also how ridiculous having a photo of his penis as his photo, he should be ashamed of himself, how mortifying for him.

tbh I'd f*cking kill my oh, no two ways about it. It would be a dealbreaker for me.

Darlughda

Kimia wrote: »

Excuse me? So you're saying that she shouldn't be annoyed because most of them do it, even worse, some of them hook up and have short term affairs behind the girlfriend/wife's back?.

No. That's your interpretation of my post. I just stated the reality of what goes on.

Kimia wrote: »

I don't know what men you've had the unfortunate experience of being with but I'm sure 'most' men are faithful tbh. Why are you tarring most men with this cheating brush? I think it's very unfair and also slightly insensitive.?.

Maybe most are. Maybe that's wishful thinking. Either way it happens. A lot more than you think. Maybe you can't deal with the possibility that it could be your OH up to this behind your back. Maybe he isn't, but are you really sure or do you just not want to deal with the possiblility?

Kimia wrote: »

OP, I really really do not believe that 'most' men are indulging in online affairs etc. It's very disrespectful and I would be sick at the thoughts of my oh doing this. Also how ridiculous having a photo of his penis as his photo, he should be ashamed of himself, how mortifying for him.

tbh I'd f*cking kill my oh, no two ways about it. It would be a dealbreaker for me.

LC2010HIS

Kimia wrote: »

It would be a dealbreaker for me.

OP- it should be a deal breaker for you. Would you honeslty be able to look at him the same ever again? sounds sleazy..to me anyway ..
Defo a dealbreaker for me. Sorry, but i would not ignore this.
It does happen. Quite common unfortunately. At the end of the day, its not fair on you. You and your feelings come first. You shouldnt have to worry or even think about your OH possibly having cyber sex etc with some other person.

"HE isnt happy with you?" - OP im sure your a lovely person ...but happy or not, he shouldnt be on there. Its not right.
What makes them? First thing to come to mind - an alter ego? Hes more than likely after building up a "character" on these sites. Its easy to type words and hide behind a screen.
My opinion, would be either confront him (then u risk being accused of going through his stuff etc) or just break up.
Id find it very hard to look someone the same after somethng like that. It would make me sick if i had a boyf doing that....

Kimia

Darlughda wrote: »

Maybe you can't deal with the possibility that it could be your OH up to this behind your back. Maybe he isn't, but are you really sure or do you just not want to deal with the possiblility?

No need to project on me thanks. My relationship is fine, I don't really understand how you think it's relevant to the OP to be questioning it. Maybe you should have a look at your own views on men tbh.

Spaniola

OP i think what everyone is trying and i will attempt to convey is that this is generally not acceptable in a faithful relationship, with the key word being faithful! Up until a couple of days ago you had no idea that this *unfaithfulness* was going on...you need to decide if this as other posters have mentioned is a deal breaker.

TBH your OH has completely pulled the carpet from under you...you thought you were in a certain type of relationship, when in fact you OH has altered it, and deceptively. You must be in serious shock.

My only kernel of advice is to talk to him, you should face it down, otherwise (as suggested to just break up) you may always wonder what if??! Face it down, if you do end up breaking up, at least you will have all the facts and not just the flashbacks of the pictures you happened upon!

shellyboo

I don't think he's a pervert for going on these sites, but he is a shlt. That's not acceptable in a monogamous relationship, whether he was fapping to these girls or chatting them up or meeting them or whatever. You need to confront him and ask what's going on.

Darlughda

Kimia wrote: »

No need to project on me thanks. My relationship is fine, I don't really understand how you think it's relevant to the OP to be questioning it. Maybe you should have a look at your own views on men tbh.

Actually I felt the projection was yours onto me, regarding your insistence that most men wouldn't indulge in such sites...(meaning def not my OH!)and your statement that this is my 'problem' with my views on men.

If you knew the amount of happily married women with great partners who have videos on those sites....

Talk about shooting the messenger.

OP, you have to decide if this is a deal breaker for you. Only you can decide what is or is not acceptable for you in a relationship. Moralising people who assume that they are in perfect relationships will always advice you to get out of the relationship. Maybe some of them have faithful partners, but you clearly don't.

Therefore, 2 ways to approach this:

1. Decide if this is a deal breaker for you and have the talk with him.

2. Have the talk with him and find out why he indulges in these sites. If your relationship is good in other ways, you need to ask him honestly why he needs this extra sexual stuff in addition to his sexual relationship with you. Maybe you, only if it is something you want, might consider how to 'spice' up your sex life so there isn't the pull towards these sites.

This does not mean it 'is your fault', but it could be an opportunity to openly discuss sexual desires and fantasies not considered between you before. If this is just not on for you, then of course, it is your perogrative to consider it a 'deal breaker'.

LegacyUser

Thank you all for the replies, the reason I said the website is "smutty"is beacause it is, its one of the sex dating things. I didn't say anything to him yesterday I don't know why not, I was afraid of embarrassing him or hurting his feelings or something, I'm not sure. I woke up this morning determined to confront him, just checked his PC and he has deleted his history! I joined the site to see his profile that way and he has deleted it.

So now I am in two minds, I have a feeling he must of done it last week when I was away on hols and now feels guilty that I am back. Or he is a pervert. I am starting to think of our sex life and how often he has wanted sex after spending time on the PC, now I am wondering was he talking to other girls etc before coming to me? Its odd as we use to laugh together at how sad we thought those people are on chat roullete etc that would **** at the screen and now my OH is one of them.

I don't have anyone to talk to about this and now the evidence is gone, I really don't know what to do:(

moldypeach

If you are willing to forgive this why not try bringing up the subject another way?

You could always say i was reading a post on boards etc etc a guy who goes on these sites. Then bring up the fact if that was you in the situation you would feel hurt and betrayed. Might make him think before he does it again

LegacyUser

simple answer, is not you at all

it has been like you said 5 years you are together and he simply wants an ego boost, to know he can still "pull" as some guys could say.

A lot of guys in relationships on those sites, or even outside the sites, want to know they can still get the girls and fantasies about other girls, imagining meeting up and whatever role play but in the end, a very very small % of those guys would go ahead with it and cross the line.

I would suggest spicing things up a little in the bedroom, play little sex games with him, light up the flame again!

relationship takes work, in all level, and sex is one of them, its nothing against you, its jsut human nature.

Personaly, I have an ex from 2 years ago that still wants to chat online when we are both on to "get it on" with me even though he's happy with a girlfriend; I don't take this personal, he admits he wants an ego boost himself but would never go ahead by taking further than chat online.

SO don't worry and take control of it and blow his mind with some novelty!

StarryMoon0

the sex fairy wrote: »

simple answer, is not you at all

it has been like you said 5 years you are together and he simply wants an ego boost, to know he can still "pull" as some guys could say.

A lot of guys in relationships on those sites, or even outside the sites, want to know they can still get the girls and fantasies about other girls, imagining meeting up and whatever role play but in the end, a very very small % of those guys would go ahead with it and cross the line.

I would suggest spicing things up a little in the bedroom, play little sex games with him, light up the flame again!

relationship takes work, in all level, and sex is one of them, its nothing against you, its jsut human nature.

Personaly, I have an ex from 2 years ago that still wants to chat online when we are both on to "get it on" with me even though he's happy with a girlfriend; I don't take this personal, he admits he wants an ego boost himself but would never go ahead by taking further than chat online.

SO don't worry and take control of it and blow his mind with some novelty!

Wow. Ok, you are entitled to your view, but please consider the bigger picture when giving advice?

Dang, I could go on and on and on here..but I'm going to keep it brief.
I was in the EXACT same position years ago. My OH gave me every excuse in the book, and I fell for it. I did everything..lost weight, tried to be more adventurous in bed, became more forgiving, more tolerant, to no avail. All I did was enter a cylcle of whats called "co-dependancy" and sacrificed my morals and values and own sense of self to try and keep my OH happy.
Thank god this year I found just one more site..and i finally stood up for me and ended the marriage. I am in counselling, and happily, so is my OH. He has since entered into a program for sex addiction.
Now not saying the OP's partner is like that, I'm just trying to point out that it is NOT her responsibility to entice him into staying away from this behaviour. He will do it regardless, and she can get as kinky in the bed as she likes but if he won't stop doing it, then nothing good will come of it.

I'm sorry, but there is no excuse for anyone to behave in such fashion. If someone needs to get a kick out of thinking they can still pull, well, they obviously have some issues. Its one thing to smile at someone in a pub, and get one back, thats an ego boost. Chatting to women online and displaying your private bits is exibitionism, and is not simply seeing if you can still pull.

I am prepared for attack here, I got in in a similar post last month. So be it, I will not back down for fear of being ridiculed of my beliefs. I did that for years and if I can lend support to another human being who is reeling and hurting from finding this type of thing has been going on, then I will stand up regardless.

To the OP:
This is nothing to do with you, its mind games in his head. You cannot be thinner, prettier, sexier, ect .. if he is engaging in this type of behaviour, it is because he feels he has to. Its time for some frank talks. Hopefully he will be honest. Sadly mine wasn't and i spent 5 years in which he only learned to hide his activities better.
I know how it feels, its devastating. Be wary of those advising to give up your self worth and value to make him be more in love with you. If he has any sort of a problem with this, it won't work, you'll only destroy yourself in the process.

Be well

LegacyUser

moldypeach wrote: »

If you are willing to forgive this why not try bringing up the subject another way?

You could always say i was reading a post on boards etc etc a guy who goes on these sites. Then bring up the fact if that was you in the situation you would feel hurt and betrayed. Might make him think before he does it again

This is ridiculous!

OP, why are you pussyfooting around your cheating OH in this way?

It is quite likely he's been meeting with women from this site and having sex with them. Going into denial is not healthy. Convincing yourself with the help of people on an online forum that he simply posted the picture for an ego boost and kicks, and that nothing happened, is just sad. Do you really believe this? Even if it was as 'innocent' as this, it's still incredibly wrong. It's still cheating. Posting pictures of your private parts on the internet and having chats with people about said parts is not good behaviour for someone in a relationship. Anyone who values their relationship or respects their partner in any way would never do this.

I've seen people being advised to dump their partner for far lesser offences here.

If you don't confront your husband now, this will create a huge crack in your relationship. This WILL come up again. This will be in the back of your mind for a long time to come and the longer you leave it before speaking up, the more difficult it will be to bring it up. You can only block it out for so long until it will rear its ugly head again, until the next time you see his penis on a sex site.

If you don't know your OH well enough to talk to him after 5 years, if you fear you may "embarrass" him when he's been an absolute w@nker, then you don't know your OH well enough to have a future with him. And after 5 years, if you can't talk to him or argue with him about something like this, then you're most certainly with the wrong man.

I can't understand how people can have such a distant relationship with their other half or fear upsetting them or hurting their feelings so they avoid bringing a huge problem up, keep their mouth shut rather than shake the foundation of the relationship a little. Shows how weak they see their relationship is deep down if they can't dare cause a couple of fractures.

LegacyUser

The reason he deleted the details is so he would not be caught. He also probably knows you are on to him as the day and time you last viewed the site would be in the history... He deleted his membership as he knows you are on to him...

There is no excuse. He may have been playing but, from experience, the vast majority of the guys on these sites are in relationships and looking for a fling. Thats the reality.

Another issue is the fact that you cant talk to him about this after 5 years with him.. Whats that about? You also mention you dont want to hurt his feelings. What about yours?

OP, you need to take this seriously. He is not deleted the history because he feels guilty, he is doing it so he wont be caught.

You need to face up to this and fact the fact he was putting himself out on the market. Good luck

LegacyUser

Thanks again for the replies, I still haven't it out with him but plan to do so tomorrow. This may sound stupid but he is all I have and I don't want to lose him. I was lying in bed last night feeling like I am being taken for a fool, which I am, and I can't believe I have let myself be like this, I use to be a really independant person and wouldn't take **** from anyone. Everything he says to me now feels like he has some ulterior motive attached.

I have to say something to him about it, I just don't know what as I don't want to break up over this, so it puts me in a bit of weak position.

LegacyUser

internet problems wrote: »

Thanks again for the replies, I still haven't it out with him but plan to do so tomorrow. This may sound stupid but he is all I have and I don't want to lose him. I was lying in bed last night feeling like I am being taken for a fool, which I am, and I can't believe I have let myself be like this, I use to be a really independant person and wouldn't take **** from anyone. Everything he says to me now feels like he has some ulterior motive attached.

I have to say something to him about it, I just don't know what as I don't want to break up over this, so it puts me in a bit of weak position.

Don't be that stereotypical pathetic, needy, clingy woman.

TALK TO HIM NOW!

i-digress

internet problems wrote: »

he is all I have and I don't want to lose him.

It sounds like you have poor self-esteem, and this whole situation has just made it worse. Sometimes it helps to try to get some objectivity. What would you advise a close friend to do if she was in the same situation?

LegacyUser

internet problems wrote: »

I don't want to break up over this

To be frank, you probably wont get the chance. The reason he is on line, most likely, is to look for your replacement. So you either keep some pride and do it now or wait until he joins another site and meets someone else....

Zen65

internet problem wrote: »

I usually mess around on my OHs computer, when we are not together he looks at porn which I don't have a problem with really. Today I clicked into a dating/sex site he had been on. He has a profile and has been talking to other women, his profile picture is of his penis!
.
.
.
I have all these thoughts now going through my head, is it because he is not happy with me that he on there, or is he a pervert? what makes men and women go on these kinds of websites?

I will admit to some degree of confusion with this post. I am not familiar with the kind of sex/dating websites you are referring to, but if porn is OK with you, why are these sites so different?

Is using porn cheating?

Some posters on Boards say it is, though most see a difference between porn sites and actual affairs, so I think the consensus is that porn is not cheating.

Why is it different to have an account on a dating website if he never actually meets with these people i.e. there is no actual contact between the parties. Is there a difference between a porn video (pre-recorded) and a webcam sex chat (not recorded)? I don't know, but you OP have decided that there is a difference. I think it's helpful (to examine your feelings on the matter) to understand what it is exactly that distinguishes these two forms of pornography.


You asked the question "is it because of me?". That's impossible to answer when we don't know the state of your relationship. I guess some guys who don't feel fulfilled in their sexual relationships but are happy in other respects with their partners may use porn sites as a form of sexual compensation, but there are also guys who just like porn anyway.

It's interesting that he deleted the account without any talk between you. Maybe he realised that you could have seen it and decided not to take the chance of you seeing it again. Or maybe (like me) he just deletes his internet history occasionally, to avoid passing information back to websites.

Be at peace,

Z

missmelo

Zen, there is a difference between watching porn and being on these sites.

With porn your just watching, and with the sites you are interacting with other people and possibly making dates for sex.

The op's other half has a picture of his penis up, so there is an obvious difference.

OP, this is not a good situation, personally i dont mind in the slightest about my fella watching porn, but if i thought he was on these sites i would have to say goodbye, as i would be wondering where it was leading.

My cousin is in a year long relationship but is on these sites, has been for a few years but has not done the dirty on his misses, so could just me an ego boost, everybody gives my cousin grief over it but it does not stop him

Zen65

missmelo wrote: »

.

With porn your just watching, and with the sites you are interacting with other people and possibly making dates for sex.

The op's other half has a picture of his penis up, so there is an obvious difference.

I grant you the penis pic is a very strange thing to post.

And yes, if he's making dates to meet these people that's totally unlike porn, that's cheating (assuming he shows up).

But I still have difficulty understanding how one interacts in any sort of meaningful way with somebody on the internet. It seems (to me) that any interaction over the net with a third party that you don't know is pretty removed from reality, and in that regard I could understand why a man could see it as just another form of porn, essentially harmless (assuming you think porn is harmless, and not everyone does).

Cheers,

Z

Taltos

Zenners - it is all about the emotional attachment that we have for our partners. By extending that ideally sacrosant connection we betray at the core the love and respect for that relationship.

For me - this betrayal is no less real than a physical fling, for some it might be worse.

Porn on the otherhand is a purely one way interaction. There is no emotional attachment there - (not for balanced folk anyway) - it is all about physical and imagination. Lets face it - for men - how many of them can really remember the faces of the women they are watching? How many instead focus in on one or two things? Cannot suppose from the womens perspective. However each relationship is different and to some porn it just as bad - that is why in each relationship boundaries have to be discussed and respected, they can change but only through 2 way open and honest dialog.

Anyhoos.
OP - after 5 years, actually after 5 months you really should be able to talk about this. I mean - wtf? You have every right to demand an explanation and a guarantee that this unacceptable behaviour stops immediately - if that is what you want.

If this means that you split - ask yourself can you be truly happy with someone like this? Doubtless there are women who can be - but that does not make what he is doing ok if it makes you upset and uncomfortable.

Have that chat - but really plan out what you are looking for here.
a) Admission
b) Open 2 way conversation
c) Agreement on what is and is NOT acceptable (not is easier no blurry lines that way)
d) Recognition of the hurt he has caused you - he might be totally oblivious
e) A way to move forward so that you can trust him again.

OR - failing all this - then lift your head high and just state - "I am not willing to play second fiddle to your internet partners" and leave this guy alone with his virtual partners....

Best of luck - and remember - this is NOT your fault at all...

Zen65

Taltos wrote: »

Porn on the otherhand is a purely one way interaction. There is no emotional attachment there - (not for balanced folk anyway) - it is all about physical and imagination.

I understand that porn is (for the "balanced" people) all about the physical & imagination.

I just cannot comprehend how a person could have an emotional attachment to a nameless person on the internet, that you've never met. I guess if a guy interacts with the same person on an ongoing basis over the internet then perhaps some kind of emotional attachment could be formed? It does seem implausible to me.

Personally I'd rather watch "Barbarella" again!!

Be at peace,

Zenners

seenitall

Zen65 wrote: »

I understand that porn is (for the "balanced" people) all about the physical & imagination.

I just cannot comprehend how a person could have an emotional attachment to a nameless person on the internet, that you've never met. I guess if a guy interacts with the same person on an ongoing basis over the internet then perhaps some kind of emotional attachment could be formed? It does seem implausible to me.

Personally I'd rather watch "Barbarella" again!!

Be at peace,

Zenners

You are still missing the point (in my humble opinion ).

If two people communicate with each other, those two people connect with each other (and no, I don't care if it's by phone, Internet, mail, fax or the satelite connection, it's all the same). It's a fact of life. Not always, not every time, and not necessarily very closely or intimately. But what do you think are the chances that boundaries will become blurred and a curious sort of intimacy and closeness (considered to be cheating by many people, including myself) will develop, if we are talking penis shots and God knows what else of that nature going on?

For a guy who is obviously comfortable with Internet use, you sound strangely uninitiated into what goes on out there - all the better for your girlfriend/wife, I say!

As for the OP's situation, I think that the poster "5 years on" has really hit the nail on the head. Also, whatever about sex/dating sites, this guy is secretive, untrustworthy and he is in a relationship with someone who has such low self-esteem that she can't broach a serious talk with her supposed life partner. It is a perfect set-up for him, and he will either keep at it until he gets bored of OP and replaces her with a newer model, or he will, unchallenged, keep at it full-stop. You have my deepest symphaties, OP.

Good luck with it all.

thefeatheredcat

internet problem wrote: »

Ok, so I think I am suffering a little bit of shock.
I usually mess around on my OHs computer, when we are not together he looks at porn which I don't have a problem with really. Today I clicked into a dating/sex site he had been on. He has a profile and has been talking to other women, his profile picture is of his penis! I didnt look through all the messages as I felt a bit sick but he had even sent one to a girl asking what she was up today! I can't believe and I really don't know what to do with this infomation.

We have been going out for 5 years, we don't live together, but spend most nights with eachother. I am almost sure that he wouldn't cheat on me, but saying that I never thought I would see him on a smutty dating site.

I have all these thoughts now going through my head, is it because he is not happy with me that he on there, or is he a pervert? what makes men and women go on these kinds of websites?

OP, I hope you've gotten over the shock by now and I think you should sit down and have a chat but not in a confrontational manner that it goes to a fight. Just lay out the facts, you came across it by accident, was upset by it, unsure about it and then found it was deleted.

No, it's definitely not your fault, not at all and please don't feel low about it because it's simply not the case.

The internet is full of porn and if you think a picture of his penis on a porn profile was bad, well, I for one know from my own curiosities of the internet and porn land there's much worse out there than that... much, much worse.

In any case, he may have just done it for a laugh, out of curiosity, may have stumbled upon it by accident, through missing you when you were away, even could be the case someone told him about it and just said hey why not? if he's watched porn before and has done so for some time, the regular stuff can get boring and was maybe looking for something that sent him over the edge while indulging himself.

I think before you think too much on it, give him the benefit of the doubt and have a chat about it... maybe he was just going to clear his history anyway and delete the account and had no idea you saw it. That probably was his intention all along, to delete it after satisfying curiosity while bored without you.
Maybe he has thought you saw the history files and doesn't know how to approach the situation with you?

Either way, the best thing for your own peace of mind is to sit down together and talk about it. Don't let it fester or eat away at you, it will only get you down and make you feel insecure and possibly spoil the relationship.

sorry op but the mere fact that your partner posted a pic of his dick on the internet would have me running for the door . in my eyes it is completley disrespectful to you and your relationship.

you should talk to him and tell him you printed off what you found should he try and deny it .

no matter if you were having problems or if he was bored of you this is unacceptable and shows a distinct lack of regard for you , you had acess to his computer ?

it would be a deal breaker for me i feel everyone deserves a partner who respects and communicates with them and so do you !

Kidchameleon

OP,

Set up a fake account on this site, arrange for a date with him, if he turns up and sees you he'll run for the hills!

LegacyUser

Again, thanks all for the replies. I had it out with him on Friday, I started by asking had he ever thought of cheating on me and his reply was "no". I brought up the site, he didn't deny it. He signed up about 1 year ago just out of curiosity..... he had been on it about five times in the last year. I really didn't know what to say but I do believe that it never went any further than sending a few messages to other girls.
TBH I really don't know if I should be making a huge deal out of this or not. He doesn't see it as one and thinks we can just go as normal with a few tweaks to keep our sex life interesting. He is also going to stop looking at porn as he feels it is putting unrealistic expectations me.
Our relationship is generally good, we are still young and both live at home with our parents. He is very sexual and has alot of fantasies etc, whereas I don't have any. I never thought it was a issue for him but obviously it is if he has to resort to internet sites.

Just to clear up also, as other posters have said, in my eyes looking at porn is completly different from sex chats with people you can interact with. I feel like he has taken what is private between the two of us and shared that with other people:(