Fiancé working himself into an early grave

LegacyUser

As the title suggests I am worried that my fiancé is working himself into an early grave. The problem is that he has been working ridiculously hard this past three years and he never gives himself a chance to relax. About a year ago I felt it was affecting our relationship and I spoke to him about this and he was great about it and really did his best to make me happy. Before he would be home late or bring work home at the weekends or miss out on family occasions (my family had quite a few of these) and we didn’t go out as much as we used to. But he listened to what I said and made time for everything I wanted to do too but at great stress to himself. The problem is that it didn’t stop the excessive workload he had, it just added to it and I am beginning to see the strain it is taking on him. He is such a great guy, always happy, considerate and he goes out of his way to help me and others (he helped my brother out with college and me when I wanted to pursue a different career etc)

We have been with each other for five years and while this isn’t a problem in the traditional sense and he is always here for me, I feel that he is pushing himself to hard all the time. He says he wants to build us a better future, what with our wedding coming up next year and we are building a house and tbh I am eager to start a family with him (I have a child from a previous relationship) so I know he feels responsible to provide everything for us. Some days he is only going on 5 hours sleep or less and I in no way feel neglected but I am worried about him and voicing my concerns only means that he puts additional strain on himself to try and please me while building us a future…

How do I get him to see reason before he burns himself out?

Whynotme

Is he self employed? If not he needs to speak to his employers about the unreasonable work load. If he is then you need to sit with him and see where and how he can make time for you. In the current climate everyone is trying to hang on to what they have, maybe he is just doing the same. Sit with him, in a non-confrontational way, and list all the good and bad, try and get him to see where he can cut back and where you can help him out if necessary.

LegacyUser

Whynotme wrote: »

Is he self employed? If not he needs to speak to his employers about the unreasonable work load. If he is then you need to sit with him and see where and how he can make time for you. In the current climate everyone is trying to hang on to what they have, maybe he is just doing the same. Sit with him, in a non-confrontational way, and list all the good and bad, try and get him to see where he can cut back and where you can help him out if necessary.

He is self employed as of this year but he has taken on a lot of contract work for the old company he worked for to. The thing is, I spoke to him before about making time for me and he listened to what I had to say. He makes a lot of time for me and my little one now but it is only adding to the his stress (though he has never said it and has tried not to show it when I am around but I know him well enough to see it).

CDfm

What type of work does he do.Does he know anything about time management

_Kaiser_

Reading through all that OP, I'm struck by how much you expect of him - go out with you at weekends, go to family occasions, help out the family, make time for you and the little one, as well as the pressure of saving for the wedding, building a house etc.

Now maybe I'm taking you up wrong, but what do YOU do to make things easier for him? You said you started a new career - does this not bring in enough to help out with some of these costs (assuming that's why he's putting himself under such pressure).

It's seems to me that you both have fallen into a pattern where everything is left to him to look after. It's only natural then that he feels under pressure to meet these expectations. This is probably complicated by the fact that he takes his work seriously, and doesn't like to do a "half assed" job, regardless of the time it takes (something I would be guilty of myself).

Maybe see if there's any way you can ease the burden rather than asking him to fit more in? Prioritise what's important - from the list you gave I'd suggest spending time with you and your daughter, sorting out your wedding and house plans is a bit more important than attending every family get together or nights out on the town (not that these shouldn't be done if time allows).

Maybe surprise him with a romantic night in with just the two of you, or a weekend away (if that's possible). By the sounds of it, he does need to cut back on the workload anyway, but if he feels the pressure to meet all of these additional expectations has eased, that will make things easier for him to do so.

jessiejam

Why not suggest he sub out some of his work load to someone, I'm sure there are plenty people out there that would jump at it
Obviously if you can afford it. But judging by everything that you have coming up, wedding, house etc., money isn't the issue.

TBH I would back off a little, by you going on about how he's not spending enough time with you etc, is only increasing the pressure he is under.
Fair dues to him out there working his socks off to support you both.

Suggest a night away just to chill out together, don't bother going on the piss and falling in the door, just have a quiet meal and a bit of quality time and talk. Ask him if there is anything you could do to help ease the pressure. Maybe he functions better on adrenaline. Some people do. Maybe he's happy this way. But by you putting added pressure on him is not going to help.

unattendedbag

You said that the last time you spoke with him, he took on board what you said and now makes an effort with the family and has more time for you's. Therefore if you speak to him about this again you should just outline your worries for his health and stress levels. Say your concerned that the workload and stress will eventually burn him out and have a nervous breakdown. But make sure you thank him for the improvments since the last talk and that this time your not being needy but just concerned for his well-being.