Completley unplanned pregnancy

Mobs89

Hi! I've just found out that I'm pregnant. I'm 21, in my second year in college and completely broke. My boyfriend is also in college. We haven't told anyone yet and we're almost certain our parents will not support us. We do want to keep this baby though. Has anyone been in a situation like this that can give us advice please? We're terrified.:(

lynski

My sister was in this situation 18 yrs ago and now has a great 17 yr old, my cousin has an 18 yr old and my old school friend an 18 yr old also.
Of the 3 the last is still married and has 4 children with the guy, my cousin also has a 12 yr and is engaged following her divorce, and my sis is single for 14 yrs.
It is a hard road ahead, there is no point in sugar-coating that, no-one should - BUT the only guarantee is that you will never regret having your child.
Forget being broke, babies cost very little, come back on here in 6/7 months and you will get what you need if you ask for help. if your college does not have a provision for childcare, some do, you could finish second yr, and take a year out, your b/f could do his 3rd (poss final?) year and then you could go back.
your parents might surprise you, i knew a couple of girls in college whose moms had their babies during the week while they went to college. Most parents come around.
it is not the end of the world just a change in direction.
good luck

Cat Melodeon

First of all, congratulations! This is a terrifying time for most first-time mums, whether the pregnancy was planned or not. You seem to be very sure that keeping the baby is the right thing for you to do, so at least that's the most difficult part of the process over and done with.

Your parents will probably freak out, it's true, but if you show them that you are not entirely clueless about how to proceed from here, they will come around more quickly. Almost all colleges have a student health service/counselling service. They should be your first port of call to see what your options are regarding college. You will be having the baby before the end of this academic year, so find out what you can do regarding 'maternity leave' from college and rejoining the course next year. Continue studying for as long as you can (ie to the next semester break) so that you'll be returning to an academic year for which you already have done some work. Colleges also have free creche places for student parents - the support staff should be able to fill you in on all of this. You may also be able to get subsidised housing etc. There is absolutely no reason why both of you can't continue on and complete your degrees. You will be able to get social welfare payments to help you, and anyway there is no guarantee that your boyfriend would find work should he drop out to look for a job. Better to keep going and get those qualifications (and be more employable) than risk that. As lynski said, it doesn't have to cost an absolute fortune to have a baby and people are very generous. Your parents will come around - they want the best for you (they support you at college?) so they won't want to see your life made more difficult through their lack of support.

Then there's the practicalities of becoming a parent. Do not get married! The next few months will be a bit mad, you don't want to do anything crazy like hook yourself up to another person for eternity on top of the eternity you're committing to by having the baby. Plenty of time for that later on if you still want to. Treoir has a good info pack on becoming a parent for couples who are not married to each other. It goes through your various rights and entitlements:
http://www.treoir.ie/

If you can at all, focus on how lovely this baby will be. Your health is of paramount importance now and being stressed is not good for a woman in your condition. Once the secret is out, you can move on to dealing with the practicalities, and who knows, maybe even enjoying being pregnant. Move quickly on this. Access the services in your college and once you have some sort of a plan in place (don't take long with it), tell your parents (and tell your parents before his). Give it two weeks and everyone will be used to the idea. And once you've had the baby, everyone will be wondering what all the fuss was about.

Good luck, let us know how you get on (and if there's anything you need re. baby stuff etc, I'm sure a few boardsies might be able to help out).

Mobs89

Thank you both so much for such sound advise. Its hard to think clearly at the moment so reading those comments has been very helpful.

I have researched my college regarding the creche etc. They do have a free creche and also have student accomodation for student families etc so that's a start. In regards to telling our parents we're still at a loss. I suppose we'll have to tell them eventually. I just feel like there's still a stigma attached to young pregnancies nowadays, I'm even worried about telling my closest friends! Anyway thanks again for the advise, its made these few days a little less stressful. xx

LegacyUser

Things like this have a way of working them selves out and I know you don't see that at the moment but because nature takes its course you will find that when you are ready to tell your friends and parents you will. I had a baby when I was 17 years old and he is 25 now and its great. My dad was not happy at all but he just had to come round to the idea because like I said nature takes it course and the cycle goes on.

There is a lot of support out there for you when you have your baby so research it now so you know what you are entitled to when you have your baby. The baby will melt both your parents heart when born and you will wonder what you where worried about. The advice you got all ready you should listen to because you should both try to finish collage because it will stand to you both in the future.

There is no need to feel there is a stigma attached to having a baby now its wildly excepted and no one can discriminate against you while pregnant or when you have your baby so enjoy the best you can your pregnancy with your boyfriend and don't worry too much because it will all work itself out in the end.

bulmersgal

my da freaked when I told him i was preg as I had just broke up with my boyfriend. A year later and he loves her more then me haha

Its scary at the start but you'll cope, you can raise a baby on little money I no I wasted a fortune on stupid things like moses basket, bottle warmer and loads of little toys. Most of that I've now gladly given to a girl my da knows who's preg. Most people are happy to give away stuff there babies wont use.

Also in a few months when your buying your pram and cot go to your local community welfare officer and ask for a grant. I was given €260 towards my cost. Also if you are not liven with your boyfriend you can apply for lone parent and you can still receive your college grants with these.

Its hard but its so worth it when your little one smiles up at you

Cat Melodeon

Mobs89 wrote: »

In regards to telling our parents we're still at a loss. I suppose we'll have to tell them eventually. I just feel like there's still a stigma attached to young pregnancies nowadays, I'm even worried about telling my closest friends! Anyway thanks again for the advise, its made these few days a little less stressful. xx

I would try and get this over with soon as it will be hanging over your head and making you miserable. If you get it out of the way, you'll at least be able to deal with whatever happens and move on to looking forward to all the very cool things, like the first scan, picking a name, feeling your body change. You will have those things soured slightly if you continue on in secret, and you do not want anyone finding out or guessing and telling your parents.

sineadc1984

Hey Mobs

I was in a very similar boat 9 months ago!! Im that bit older and finished college so it was a bit easier but i was only with my OH for 2 months when we found out I was pregnant!!! freaking out was not the word!!!! I had always said if I got pregnant I wouldnt keep it but the minute the doc confirmed it I knew I wouldnt be able to get rid!! Anyway I was a wreck about telling my parents even tho they are so down to earth and easy going!!! Told them when I was about 10 weeks ish and my mam nearlly fainted with excitement and my darling dad walked straight by me to shake hands with my other half!! you'll be surprised how well they take it!! months later I'm sitting here awake for the last 2 hours cause I'm 3 days overdue and I wake up starving

It's a really exciting 9 months make sure you make the most of it cause everyone tells you it goes by quick but you've no idea how quick (although these 3 days feel like 3 years) :rolleyes:

2 pieces of advice get yourself a body pillow most comfy things ever and reflexology in the last few months sooo relaxing

Best of Luck with everything

wolfpawnat

Mobs89 wrote: »

Thank you both so much for such sound advise. Its hard to think clearly at the moment so reading those comments has been very helpful.

I have researched my college regarding the creche etc. They do have a free creche and also have student accomodation for student families etc so that's a start. In regards to telling our parents we're still at a loss. I suppose we'll have to tell them eventually. I just feel like there's still a stigma attached to young pregnancies nowadays, I'm even worried about telling my closest friends! Anyway thanks again for the advise, its made these few days a little less stressful. xx

Hey Mobs. I genuinely know the feeling, I was 21 and was about to start a degree in UCD. My partner was going to college too. I now have a son that I adore and I am going back to college in January. I took 2 years leave of absence so I can just go back to where I left off!

Telling friends and family is hard, dont expect your parents to be too pleased at first, but have your plans readily set out and dont listen to anything they yell at you, they are just shocked and think the world is over (Don't worry, it is not) Just tell them what is happening, not what you are thinking of doing. You are 21, you are an adult, if you want this baby tough on them! They will calm down and when the baby arrives they will adore it as all grandparents do! If you tell them they accept more easily, if you are unsure they will put their 2 cents in and will confuse you and make you rethink your life and can even ruin your life plans.

As for friends, if they are true friends they will be there for you. My best friends are still here and I have shed the people who really weren't my friends! My best friends and I are even closer! They are his aunties! And they love him as such.

wolfpawnat

Cat Melodeon wrote: »

I would try and get this over with soon as it will be hanging over your head and making you miserable. If you get it out of the way, you'll at least be able to deal with whatever happens and move on to looking forward to all the very cool things, like the first scan, picking a name, feeling your body change. You will have those things soured slightly if you continue on in secret, and you do not want anyone finding out or guessing and telling your parents.

We didnt tell our parents for 20 weeks! By then there was nothing they could do, college was a week away and we were fully convinced of what we were going to do!

LegacyUser

If I were you I would not saying anything until you have to - ie when a bump starts appearing - only because you have already decided you are keeping it and you dont want to hear any comments about abortion etc

Wait past four/five months - by then people will just have to accept it and you wont have people staring at you for months waiting for the bump to appear etc - just announce it when you start to show

this will also make it easier for your parents/friends to accept as it wont seem so far off

Dont worry what people say or think - you are an adult you make your own choices and mistakes etc - its your life so forget everyone else and any unproductive comments you may hear

Baby75

bulmersgal wrote: »

my da freaked when I told him i was preg as I had just broke up with my boyfriend. A year later and he loves her more then me haha

Its scary at the start but you'll cope, you can raise a baby on little money I no I wasted a fortune on stupid things like moses basket, bottle warmer and loads of little toys. Most of that I've now gladly given to a girl my da knows who's preg. Most people are happy to give away stuff there babies wont use.

Also in a few months when your buying your pram and cot go to your local community welfare officer and ask for a grant. I was given €260 towards my cost. Also if you are not liven with your boyfriend you can apply for lone parent and you can still receive your college grants with these.

Its hard but its so worth it when your little one smiles up at you

I hope you dont mind but at what stage can you apply for the grant from the community welfare offiecer, we were finsihed with having children but seems some one else had other ideas and now at the worst time as well. money very tight but I have nothing so the grant would help so much.

CK2010

hey OP!

i was 16 when i fell pregnant, in my leaving cert year, no money, no job, only a kid! went to the well woman centre for the pregnancy test and was basically told by the woman who supposed to help and advise with a 'crisis pregnancy' that theres no way in hell i can do my leaving cert- id have to wait a few years. i was so worried like you, about education, my parents, the stigma, everything.

fast forward three and a bit years.... i got way over the 390 i needed for my first choice in college after basically home schooling myself due to chronic morning sickness, started college 3 weeks after i had my beautiful daughter, she started the creche on campus a few months later, got myself a job and then graduated just two weeks ago with a 2:1 in my dream course. which is enough to do my masters in trinity when i gain enough experience in my field. my little girl said the word congratulations properly for the first time on the day of my graduation- it all works out well if you want it to.

im not gonna say its easy-its really hard. tbh though it was actually ALOT easier in the first year and when she was a newborn because i could do assignments and study while she slept or sat in her bouncer, as she got older the workload got heavier while she wanted more attention so that was hard.

can i ask what college it is? the one my girl was in was soooo expensive, even at the student rate, which only added to the stress of college. somaybe look into cheaper community ones first.

money wise, if you genuinely need assistance you'll get it. although dont assume that because you have a child you'll automatically be entitled to a grant- even if you dont live at home you may still be assessed based on their income- depending on how long its been since you lived there. i wasnt entitled to any grant. even before i got a job my social welfare payments only left me with about 50euro a week after paying childcare- so that had to stretch to pay for food, bills, train to and from college, nappies, wipes, books for college, everything else. lets just say the creche wasnt always paid on time! and there was alot of cash flow problems, picking into one fund to pay another and trying to keep on top of things. so social welfare wont necessarily keep you going.

your an adult now- your parents may be upset or whatever but its your right and your decision. they'll come round anyway. believe me. no matter how upset they are when you tell them, once that baby is born the whole family will just fall in love and all will be well again! and if not then its genuinely your parents loss. but i think if you explain to them that you need their support they will at least try to put their feelings aside.

dont worry about stigma and stuff. i was the talk of the school, was gawped at, gossiped about, looked down on, everything else that comes with being a pregnant teenager- oh how i love telling those same people that im actually more qualified than they are! just because you're young, and you're having a baby it doesnt mean you're suddenly not going to amount to anythingor as one person told me- 'ruining your life' (she ended up repeating her leaving and still not getting the course she wanted, she finally started it this year after i graduated from mine.

and just because you're a young mum doesnt mean you're not going to be a good mum- my daughters consultant (and many others) constantly tells us how amazed he is at how advanced she is, and he'd see many a child in temple st. to compare her with! people get a shock when they hear her say thank you, purely because we're young parents- they just assume we drag her up instead of bring her up properly. so instead of feeling shame at being thought of like that (which if im honest will happen, its just a sad fact of life that people assume), feel pride at proving them wrong and being better than them, child or no child.

what i will say is, regardless of whether people are positive about this pregnancy, dont dwell on it, dont let any negative things ruin this time for you. dont turn your pregnancy into something to hide from people or something you're ashamed of- enjoy it! its your little baby growing inside you- not something wrong- enjoy it and embrace it, dont let people take that away from you! its slightly different for you because you're that bit older- its not as tabooor whatever, but sometimes the gossip and worry and every other emotion surrounding it can overshadow the fact that its a beautiful thing happening. so just go with it.let peopleknow and then just enjoy it yourself- forget about how they feel and just make it a happy time- block out the negativity cause that'll fade once the baby arrives!

PM me if you wanna talk. it'll all be great, believe me.
*edit* sorry for the book there! guess i miss writing detailed assignments for college! lol!

Edit again! sorry!- just saw you're in your second year- would the next one be your final year- if so then it COULD be a good thing, if you have the support, because baby can just sleep while you do work- it'll be stressful in that everything will be adjusting and all will be new, but i found my first year the easiest studywise because the baby would sleep while i did things. its very hard to keep an older child ammused while you do things at home and you dont wanna have to throw on a dvd or something every time you need to write an assignment!

bulmersgal

Baby75 wrote: »

I hope you dont mind but at what stage can you apply for the grant from the community welfare offiecer, we were finsihed with having children but seems some one else had other ideas and now at the worst time as well. money very tight but I have nothing so the grant would help so much.

I only found out I could get grant after I had my little girl. You need receipts for them though. My community welfare officer was very quick, I got cheque 2 days after I returned application. I did hear that you can ask for grant for maternity clothes as well

Baby75

Thanks for that I guess I will have to ask them how it works!

moonshinerocks

I found out I was pregnant during the summer between first year and second year of college. Telling my parents was such a relief, I waited until I was 5 months pregnant and I wish I had done it earlier.They weren't too happy of course but once my son was born things were fine (my dad died a few weeks before he was born and having a baby around the house helped my mother deal with it). My boyfriend was also in college but he was in his final year. 7 years down the road we are still together and I wouldn't regret it for the world. It's hard going at times but seeing your child smile up at you gives you a happiness money can't buy. It's hard studying in college when you are tired from being up all night with the baby and you can't really have a social life but I did it and you can too! All the best, this baby is lucky that he is wanted

lovelymama

So where do you find your community welfare officer - I'm new to this too.

lovelymama

Oh and congratulations on your pregnancy too Mobs89 - I know it probably seems bad but having a child is so precious. Something changes in you as a person when you have the unconditional love of a child.

Nevyn

In your local HSE health clinic.

lovelymama

Ok thanks Thaedydal

Mobs89

Hi again,
I'm sorry I haven't replied in such a long time my mind has just been boggled.:o So I'm now four months gone and I only have a tiny bump. I still haven't told my parents...I've tried on several occasions but just couldn't bring myself to say the words "I'm pregnant". I'm gonna have to tell them soon anyway..;).but I'm not as worried about that as I was two months ago. The main thing is that our little baby is healthy and doing very well and my boyfriend and I are very happy. Only a few close friends know and they have all been very supportive.
I just want to say a huge thank you to everyone who shared their experiences and gave me advice, it really did help me come to terms with my pregnancy and put some plans into action.:D
xxxxx

CK2010

wow, well congratulations properly so!!! delighted for you!

i really really think its time to tell your parents because the longer you leave it the more hurt they'll feel about being kept in the dark. maybe try saying you have something to tell them and see if they guess, my mum did.

if you've any questions feel free to ask, enjoy it all!!

wolfpawnat

I am delighted for you OP. That your baby is doing well and that you and your partner are happy. It is great having the few supportive friends isn't it. They make it all the easier!

The time is coming to tell your parents, just stay calm, I know how hard it is to say those two words.

I wish you all the best. Just think, in the spring you will have your beautiful baby!

Can I ask what your plan for college is?

lovelymama

Mobs89 wrote: »

Hi again,
I'm sorry I haven't replied in such a long time my mind has just been boggled.:o So I'm now four months gone and I only have a tiny bump. I still haven't told my parents...I've tried on several occasions but just couldn't bring myself to say the words "I'm pregnant". I'm gonna have to tell them soon anyway..;).but I'm not as worried about that as I was two months ago. The main thing is that our little baby is healthy and doing very well and my boyfriend and I are very happy. Only a few close friends know and they have all been very supportive.
I just want to say a huge thank you to everyone who shared their experiences and gave me advice, it really did help me come to terms with my pregnancy and put some plans into action.:D
xxxxx

Absolutely delighted for you Mobs89 - it's great that things have settled down for you so that you can enjoy your pregnancy. Once you have told your parents it will get even better and you will really settle in to being pregnant. Keep us posted about how you are getting on

melsbells

Mobs89 wrote: »

Hi again,
I'm sorry I haven't replied in such a long time my mind has just been boggled.:o So I'm now four months gone and I only have a tiny bump. I still haven't told my parents...I've tried on several occasions but just couldn't bring myself to say the words "I'm pregnant". I'm gonna have to tell them soon anyway..;).but I'm not as worried about that as I was two months ago. The main thing is that our little baby is healthy and doing very well and my boyfriend and I are very happy. Only a few close friends know and they have all been very supportive.
I just want to say a huge thank you to everyone who shared their experiences and gave me advice, it really did help me come to terms with my pregnancy and put some plans into action.:D
xxxxx

hey mobs, many congrats to you both, its such a crazy time in your life but for sure the most amazing! im 14 weeks and at 7 i had an early scan and i got a photo of my bundle, more like a tadpole really! while my circumstances are different to you( am married and was trying) i felt it hard to get the actual words im pregnant out to my parents, so one day i called in for some grub and midway took the scan photo out and popped it on the table and told my folks to say hello to their grandchild!!!!
their faces were priceless, but maybe sumthin like this would be a way to break it to them?? just saying it might shock them but i defy anyone not to melt looking at a scan photo;)

CK2010

while i agree with maybe having a scan picture to soften the blow i really wouldnt recommend being too... i dunno the word for it, like i wouldnt expect your parents to jump for joy, id tread carefully as they will be quite uncertain about how to take it.

obviously you're happy now and do let this show, because alot of their concerns are regarding your happiness, but do keep in mind that you've had time to come to terms with this, it will come as a blow to them so just be careful and sensitive about how you tell them. its easier for grandparents to be excited when they see it coming but since you're a bit young they may need time.

sorry to be a wet blanket!

LegacyUser

I was 21 when my gf fell pregnant. I'm now 36 with number 3 on the way. We married only 6 yrs ago. I would guess you will be fine and things will just fall into place. Having a baby is a shock to the system but you will adjust easy enough.. I'm quiet sure it will be te best thing that ever happened to you. Good luck

Mobs89

wolfpawnat wrote: »

I am delighted for you OP. That your baby is doing well and that you and your partner are happy. It is great having the few supportive friends isn't it. They make it all the easier!

The time is coming to tell your parents, just stay calm, I know how hard it is to say those two words.

I wish you all the best. Just think, in the spring you will have your beautiful baby!

Can I ask what your plan for college is?

Ok well the plan for college.....I am due in early April and my exams are in May so all going well (I'll study before the baby comes) I will be able to sit the exams and I'll have those four months off with the baby. Then I'm not quite sure about the following year... How old can a baby go to creche at??

wolfpawnat

Mobs89 wrote: »

Ok well the plan for college.....I am due in early April and my exams are in May so all going well (I'll study before the baby comes) I will be able to sit the exams and I'll have those four months off with the baby. Then I'm not quite sure about the following year... How old can a baby go to creche at??

UCD usually takes them after 4 months