Feel so used and taken for granted.

LegacyUser

I am pretty much at my wits end here. My boyfriend and I have been together for the past 4 years, the last two living together. For the past year, he has been unemployed so we are living off my wage which isn’t great to say the least. The thing is, he is making little or no effort to find work and even though I found small nixers for him to do through colleagues of mine, when it comes down to doing the work he won’t even ring them so the job falls through. I pay for all our groceries, his credit, his clothes, gym membership, his petrol, Sky TV so he can watch his sport, while I have been wearing the same work clothes myself for the past two years. He spends his day either on the internet or in the gym and wouldn’t dream of cleaning the house every once in a while. I couldn’t even afford to put petrol in my car today. I feel like I am his cash cow and thats why he’s with me.

So I confronted him about it this evening. I asked how he has no problem spending all my earnings yet contributes next to nothing himself. I understand his dole doesn’t amount to much but I’m not talking about financial contributions here. The reply I got is “It’s all about money with you, isn’t it”? He has spent the rest of the evening ignoring me and has set up for the night in the spare room. I do love him but I cannot deal with this for much longer. I feel so taken for granted, even a simple “Thank you” would help. Any suggestions on how to fix this??

Taltos

Maybe show him that you are serious when you say you cannot continue like this.

Come on - after two years of being his substitute mother - is it not time that he copped on and tried to be your partner again?
However, you need to be prepared, he could be very very happy living the lifestyle you are providing - and without a real shock will continue to sponge off you.

I am sure many folk here will tell you to dump him. And I would have to agree with them. But if you really do love him then try one final chat - lay it all out for him - the bills, the expense, all of it. Don't forget to stress to him how this is impacting you emotionally, mentally and physically...

First off though - cancel SKY, cancel the gym and the rest of his little perks. Gawd - if he needs to exercise he can run for free on the streets. If these are that important to him let him get off his lazy ass and earn the money he needs to continue with them. If he insists on acting like a child - well treat him like one.

LegacyUser

I wouldn't jump to a dumping just yet - the guy could have gotten a bit depressed with lack of work and fell into that rut. Now that's no excuse for him being a sponge but simply a possible reason.

I do think he needs a kick up his derriere and you cancelling his lifestyle by cancelling Sky/Gym etc like Taltos suggested is definately the way to go. I can't believe you couldn't affort petrol today and he's been letting jobs go...absolutely ridiculous! Cancel his Sky and treat yourself to some new work threads! Better yet go splash out on a spa evening or whatever you'd like to do to unwind - he's having the life on your dollar...time to change that!

He needs that kick fast and hard - if he doesn't cop himself on then you don't deserve to be leeched off anymore. Leave him to his sulk in his spare room - stand your ground on this and don't let things continue the way they are. If he still wants to spend his time sulking then maybe start to think of putting him out on the curb for his Mammy to pick up and look after.

LegacyUser

Thank you all for your replies, things took a turn for the worse last night when I made another attempt to speak to him. I explained how I understand that it is not easy having no work but perhaps if he kept himself busy in other ways then at least it might help. I tried to explain how I am exhausted, not just from work but from trying to run everything myself and make sure bills are first of all paid but secondly paid on time. I told him that his gym fees were due this weekend but I know he has no intention of giving me any money for them because the direct debit is from my bank account. It’s exactly the same situation with his car loan-the finance company were about to repossess his car last year-none of his family wanted to help him out but I took out a loan in my name so he could pay them off. Stupid move, I hear you say but as I’ve said before I love the guy and wanted to help him out. Now the repayments are also my responsibility, if he defaults, it’s a mark on my (at present) perfect credit record.

Once I started talking about how much pressure I was under last night, he wouldn’t even let me finish and turned the attention to himself as usual. “Well how do you think I feel? Do you think this is easy for me?” It snowballed into a huge argument, I got hugely upset when he told me “you can f***ing do what you like, I really don’t care”. I went into total meltdown, even considered leaving there and then but it was almost midnight and didn’t trust myself driving in such a state. I cried myself to sleep, woke up this morning and my eyelids are actually swelled out over my eyes. He made sure he woke me up too banging doors and making noise. I know I probably sound like a drama queen but I assure you that I am anything but. All I want is a little respect and to be happy with him.

dudara

Cancel the gym membership, SKY sports etc. Don't ask him, just do it.

Sell one car and learn to manage with one.

Seriously, with just one wage in a household, these are luxuries that it sounds like you can't afford.

I have a little sympathy for the man. Just a little mind. Being unemployed can be a very depressing thing. However, he isn't doing a single thing to help himself or help you. Time for some shock therapy. Otherwise, you are going to end up even more drained and worn out.

Ickle Magoo

I'd move out until he got himself sorted so he is forced to get his finger out, if I'm honest. Just forking out for everything while he refuses to do his bit or make an effort to get a job is just facilitating him - never mind the craziness of paying for gym memberships and sky for him while he can't even do a bit of housework for his part - no wonder he thinks he's on the pigs back! Stop letting him take advantage.

Letting you pay for everything and doing nothing to get employment and turning it around so you are the bad guy if you dare to ask questions would be a HUGE red flag for me, time to tell him straight that the status quo is not an option and he'd destroying your relationship to boot.

Best of luck OP

LegacyUser

You don't sound like a drama queen at all.

Seems to me you've got a very good head on your shoulders and have been supportive above and beyond the call... The guy could be down because of his situation but jesus, you're paying the bills, you're cleaning the house, you're carrying another person, you're carrying two cars, you're carrying the gym, the sky...you're carrying everything...

...what's he carrying? Himself to the gym you're paying for, himself to his car you're paying for, a cup of tea to the computer to surf the web on the bills you're paying for, a beer to the TV to watch his sport on the SKY you're paying for...

I think the advice to sell one of the cars is a good one - you own both of them!! This guy seems to want to do nothing to help himself, in those situations some serious shock therapy is needed...light a fire under his ass!

You are the one who is right! He is wrong! Just try to keep reciting that whenever he starts any "poor me" speeches.

Distorted

I hope he's in possession of incredible film star good looks and a great body then, because he doesn't sound as though he's got much else going for him. I do think you are right in that he sees you as his cash cow. tbh, though unemployment is hard, and depressing and all that, anyone with any self respect and personal pride would do more about it than this. And I doubt he's really depressed if he can get out to the gym. Agree with the above, cancel everything, give him no money and personally I would be lookinng to move out and be independent because that sounds so much more preferable than being with him. Thereafter if he makes an effort to continue the relationship, I guess you'll know whether he's a genuine person or not. He sounds incredibly lazy!

LegacyUser

Once again thank you all for taking the time to reply. Although I agree that a shock is what he needs, I really cannot afford to move out at the moment because I wouldn’t have the deposit for a new place for a month at least. I am half afraid to cancel the SKY etc because as I mentioned earlier I have a car loan in my name but it’s his car so I know he won’t bother making the repayments and land me in hot water with the bank as a result. I am continuing to get the silent treatment here-he has made himself lunch and is settled down in front of the TV for the day. I have been told that I am chronically shy, not spontaneous enough but seemingly in was said “for my own good”! I admit that I am hard work at times but attacking my personality was just hurtful. I am sorry for going on about it but appreciate your advice.

Ickle Magoo

You are afraid to cancel a luxury subscription for your free-loading boyfriend because you "know" he would refuse to pay the loan you took out for his car? Why are you with a guy like this? Start saving for that deposit pronto!