One night stands

LegacyUser

Ok so I had a one night stand recently, I don't regret it. I was really attracted to the guy and I felt like the feeling was mutual, I'm out of a long term relationship and I suppose I just wanted to have a bit of fun and to let go. I didn't know him before we met so it was a complete stranger. I have never done that before! Even though I don't regret it because I enjoyed it, he never asked me for my number the next day and I suppose I'm wondering did I ruin it completely by sleeping with him too soon or was there anything even there to ruin in the first place? Am I reading too much into sexual chemistry? Do guys completely rule girls out straight away after a one night stand? I should probably mention that he doesn't live near me. I'm just wondering does he just think of me as a slapper now because I was so easy? I am thinking he does and that just frustrates me because I'm just not like that at all generally.....

LegacyUser

ehh op i think the clues in the name tbh ONE NIGHT stand, its just one night, i mean it sounds like you were half expecting this guy to want to start dating you or something?! Sorry to be harsh but you're reading wayyyy to much into this, why on earth would he ask for your number?? (I've had guys ask for my number after a ONS and its just awkward beause as 'slutty' as it sounds, its just about sex). You had great chemistry with a guy and had a great night, thats as far as it goes! Just because someone has sex with you it doesnt mean they want to have a relationship with you!

LegacyUser

Hi Op. Don't get so worked up over this. It was just a one night fling by the look of things. You fancied him, he fancied you, you had sex, had fun, how much so I don't know but since it's your 1st time doing something like this your feelings will be a bit off set.

I wouldn't be too worried about him not leaving you his number or anything because as you said yourself you're only out of a long terms relationship. It'd be better to leave this fling as just that and not venture further in to it and end up in a rebound relationship.

You had your fun, he had his, you don't live near each other so just mark it as an experience, whether it be good or bad, and move on.

And no, you're not a slapper for having a one night stand. If you had several one night stands you still wouldn't be a slapper. You're only done with a serious relationship, don't let every encounter with the opposite sex be a potential repeat. Have fun for a while 'til you're over your ex and 'til you're ready to move on. Who knows, you might want another relationship today, tomorrow, next week, next month, next year even.

Bottom line, make sure you're safe and happy with whatever you choose to do.

AJG

Different strokes for different folks.

Personally a one night stand wouldn't be a good basis for a long term relationship. But everyone's different. Sometimes its better to let someone wait before you give it up. My own thoughts would be, 'if she gave it up this easy for me how many others has she done the same for'?

I've only done the one night thing once and immediately regretted it. I when I say immediately we're talking about 30 seconds. But like I said everyone's different.

If I was you I wouldn't read too much into it and just move on. It was what it was, some mutual fun.

Darlughda

questionsONS wrote: »

Ok so I had a one night stand recently, I don't regret it. I was really attracted to the guy and I felt like the feeling was mutual, I'm out of a long term relationship and I suppose I just wanted to have a bit of fun and to let go. I didn't know him before we met so it was a complete stranger. I have never done that before! Even though I don't regret it because I enjoyed it, he never asked me for my number the next day and I suppose I'm wondering did I ruin it completely by sleeping with him too soon or was there anything even there to ruin in the first place? Am I reading too much into sexual chemistry? Do guys completely rule girls out straight away after a one night stand? I should probably mention that he doesn't live near me. I'm just wondering does he just think of me as a slapper now because I was so easy? I am thinking he does and that just frustrates me because I'm just not like that at all generally.....

First of all, coming out of a long term relationship is a minefield when it comes to dating and having sex again. Its gonna be a bit weird and a bit awkward, but it does get easier! Fair play to you for recognising that you wanted and needed to have fun and let go! Thats the appeal of ONS for most people, as far as I know, anyway.

I reckon you are still within the conventional bounds of the relationship ettiquette, so got to ask why on earth would you want him to call you?

Nowhere do you state that you have a genuine interest in seeing him again?

The rules of conventional society seem to have overwhelmed you, and fears of being considered a 'slapper' or whatever that is;(usually a derogatory term for a sexually confident and active woman) have gotten into your head.

You had fun girl! Yippee! Cause to celebrate. As for your attitudes toward being 'easy' and a 'slapper'. FFs I really suggest you read up on some feminist literature before you become a doormat to some nasty type who likes to think some girls are 'easy' and others are 'pure' etc.

Enjoy your sexuality, woman!


As for him not asking for your number...... well I like this guy.

I despise the ones who ask for your number and playact like there is something more to be had than a ONS. They are more common, and are really just cowardly play actors who don't have the balls to call a spade a spade, and say a one night stand is what it is.

AJG wrote: »

My own thoughts would be, 'if she gave it up this easy for me how many others has she done the same for'?
.

See, some men have crazy notions of possession-wanting the virgin archetype.
What the hell does 'gave it up' mean, let alone 'this easy' not to mention the scarily jealous possesive 'how many others', and the clincher, 'done the same for'..... like sex is not a mutual act between consenting adults.

Jayzus. Have fun enjoying sex OP but run a mile from this type!:eek:

beks101

I've had this happen to me before OP and I admit it can be hard to not let your mind wander to 'does he think I'm easy?' or worse...'did he wake up and think :eek::eek::eek:'

Not the most pleasant of thoughts!

Personally for me, it made me realise I have an emotional incapacity to have no-strings-sex with a perfect stranger - because I'd invariably want more - and decided to pass on the one-nighters in the future.

Also think of it this way - he has saved you from days, maybe weeks of torture wondering if/when he's going to call, when he clearly had no intention of it being anything more than a one night stand.

AJG

But she's wondering why he didn't take her number. He obviously saw it as sex and nothing else. She might have thought it would lead to something else.

Like I said different strokes. But this forum is full of threads expressing similar scenarios. I couldn't give a fusk either way. Don't over analyse it. How many one nighters lead onto something more meaningful?

Darlughda

She is wondering why he did not take her number. But no where does she express any desire that he take her number, as in really and genuinely wanting to see him again.

She is obviously following the mores that come with conventional relationships, and feeling conflicted because of her own feelings of enjoyment vs. what is expected in society.

So what if he doesnt want to see her again. I reckon OP does not give a rats ass deep down. She has discovered fun, uninhibited ONS with NSA.

Good for her.

She seems to be asking why has yer man not requested number, as part of parcel of having intimacy with a stranger, rather than expressing any kind of genuine desire to actually see the fella himself again.

The 'what should be dones' overwhelm this thread. But, jayzus, if I was off for me jollies on a night out would hope I would'nt bump into the likes of your lads!

Darlughda

beks101 wrote: »

I've had this happen to me before OP and I admit it can be hard to not let your mind wander to 'does he think I'm easy?' or worse...'did he wake up and think :eek::eek::eek:'

Not the most pleasant of thoughts!

Personally for me, it made me realise I have an emotional incapacity to have no-strings-sex with a perfect stranger - because I'd invariably want more - and decided to pass on the one-nighters in the future.

Also think of it this way - he has saved you from days, maybe weeks of torture wondering if/when he's going to call, when he clearly had no intention of it being anything more than a one night stand.

Funnily, enough I would have to admit I am very similar to beks101 here in this regard.

I would love to be able to have ONS with NSA with a string of FBs and a couple of Friends with benefits thrown in for good measure. Can't do it. Pity.

People who do be able to handle this seem to have a whale of a time!

AJG

Darlughda wrote: »

Funnily, enough I would have to admit I am very similar to beks101 here in this regard.

I would love to be able to have ONS with NSA with a string of FBs and a couple of Friends with benefits thrown in for good measure. Can't do it. Pity.

People who do be able to handle this seem to have a whale of a time!

Yeah, I realised and many of my friends too that this kind of thing wasn't for us. Fair enough if you want your jolly's go for it but don't be naive and think you'll meet the love of your life from it. Just treat it as something to notch up on the bedpost. Like I said, it is what it is. Move on.

Darlughda

AJG wrote: »

Yeah, I realised and many of my friends too that this kind of thing wasn't for us. Fair enough if you want your jolly's go for it but don't be naive and think you'll meet the love of your life from it. Just treat it as something to notch up on the bedpost. Like I said, it is what it is. Move on.

Well, in fairness, you really have no idea, maybe many people do indeed meet their ideal partners with what starts out as sex as soon as you meet someone.

Maybe many have met the love of their loves from it?

What on earth is this 'notch up' on the bedpost thing?

Like your comment about wondering about women who are 'too easy' and 'have given it up before' etc, I really wonder what kind of fúcked up notions you may have regarding contemporary sexuality, and specifically towards women, as a autonomous sexual people in their own right, without any kind of man, father or partner to define/defend/claim them.

Like I said, the OP seems to have more issue with the conventional mores of societal expectations like 'oh he should want my number,' 'I shouldn't have had ons' etc rather than any genuine desire to see this fella again, so maybe she does not need to 'move on' like one does when fixated on a person who does not feel the same way that we do about them.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the responses!

I didn't expect to start dating this guy at all, I know it was only one night. I completely agree that it was better that he didn't ask for my number if he was not interested in taking things any further, I didn't offer my number either and I didn't ask for his so it's not like I was chasing him. I was really attracted to him though and it was the first guy that I had felt so attracted to physically since my ex. I suppose in different circumstances I probably would be open to seeing him again, what I meant in my original post was that I probably ruined any chance of that happening by sleeping with him so fast. But I hardly know the guy so I'm not going to be pining away for him or anything.

Darlughda, I think you are right when you say that I am still caught up in relationship etiquette and I'm a bit too concerned by the conventions of society. I guess I'm just not used to casual sex in general, saying that though I really enjoyed the ONS and I don't regret it and yeah I think I definitely deserved some fun with a hot guy after a sh*tty breakup!!
I don't expect to find the love of my life this way, but I did like this guy and I would have seen him again so I was a little disappointed he didn't ask for my number but I'll get over it! No big deal! Don't think I will be making a habit of this behaviour, I am quite an emotional person and probably too much of a romantic so NSA sex on an ongoing basis is not for me but I suppose you have to try it to know whether it's for you or not!

Wompa1

Personally if I had a one night stand with a girl I wouldn't ask her for her number either. If she suggested it I might take her number and not text or call her. I'm not a lads lad and I haven't slept around much, I'm more of a relationship guy but I couldn't see myself having a relationship with a girl that gave it up the first night...

It might be harsh but I don't think I'm the only guy that feels this way, it's not even intentional. I just have never had the inkling that they were somebody I wanted to have relationship with.

LegacyUser

I've never had a relationship out of a one night stand (not to say it doesn't happen). I wouldn't trust a guy who has a one night stand, because I think that he doesn't respect women.
Just my take.

AJG

Darlughda wrote: »

Like your comment about wondering about women who are 'too easy' and 'have given it up before' etc, I really wonder what kind of fúcked up notions you may have regarding contemporary sexuality, and specifically towards women, as a autonomous sexual people in their own right, without any kind of man, father or partner to define/defend/claim them.

Fair enough man. I am ****ed up. But seriously my only advice to this girl would be next time there's a genuine attraction maybe get his number and meet up with him a few times before sleeping with him. Make him work for it. If he genuinely likes you he'll wait and there would more chance of it going further. Call me old fashioned or ****ed up. Whatever.

Wompa1

unregistered wrote: »

I've never had a relationship out of a one night stand (not to say it doesn't happen). I wouldn't trust a guy who has a one night stand, because I think that he doesn't respect women.
Just my take.

And women that have them don't have any self respect??..I assume it's a two way street?. I have to say I had 2 ONS and they were within a short time period, I became disillusioned with women here, I had always thought to respect women, if I kissed a girl on a night out I wouldn't go home with her even if she wanted me to, I would bring her to a taxi and get her number and let that be that...alot of those girls wanted nothing to do with me after that because newsflash they were after a ONS.... there were also friends of mine that were girls that were smart and nice that constantly had them...

So I compromised my character and tried it.

First girl I just wanted to get out of there right away. Ended up leaving hers at 7 in the morning. I did take her number and text or to say I had a nice night with her...

I didn't want another one but then I thought maybe it was just something about her so I tried it again...This one wasn't as bad but after it I just didn't see the point in them..found them a bit depressing. Haven't had any since.

I hear women saying that they get with guys out of insecurity, funny you never hear that as an excuse about why men do it?

And why not?, It's pretty well documented that men are very insecure deep down and can't express their emotions. They play up to some macho ideals..maybe that's a part of it?

Seems lad-y culture started up in the last few years too...sex and the city..empowerment blah blah blah..it's all crap really isn't it? The human mind is so powerful and so weak at the same time

LegacyUser

Wompa1 wrote: »

And women that have them don't have any self respect??..I assume it's a two way street?.

Yeah I suppose that's true. It pokes holes in the idea that men who think women are sluts/easy for sleeping with them on the first night though. If the woman is a slut/is easy, what does that make the man? I assume it's a two way street?

Your reference to Sex and the City is laughable by the way. I assume you've played video games once or twice, but yet didn't have the urge to go out and kill people after?

neveah

I would never dare to make sure a broad statement that men who have one night stands do not respect women, that's just a ridiculous thing to say. Are you saying that the girl who partakes in it doesn't respect herself? I think that's nonsense. If you have a ONS you choose to do it based on reasons only you know. For example the OP says she has never done it before, the guy she did it with could think that this is a regular thing for her, he would be wrong. People can't make assumptions about why others partake in ONS. People are motivated for different reasons. Letting your hair down after a LTR does not make you a 'slapper'. That's what annoys me about sterotypes and generalisations, if a guy does it he's a stud/legend whatever but if a girl does she's a 'slut'.

My advice OP, if you genuinely fancied him and would have liked it to go further you probably should have held out. Most guys just don't look seriously beyond a ONS unfortunately.

Ickle Magoo

I had a one night stand nearly eleven years ago and we'll be celebrating our 7th wedding anniversary shortly. Of course relationships form and are successful from ONS and of course some guys have sex in a ONS because they really fancy the girl and not just to get a leg over...but there are certainly people that pretend to be really into you just to get the leg over so you have to be pretty sure a ONS is what you want, regardless of what the other-party wants.

Best of luck OP.

Wagon

questionsONS wrote: »

Do guys completely rule girls out straight away after a one night stand? I should probably mention that he doesn't live near me. I'm just wondering does he just think of me as a slapper now because I was so easy? I am thinking he does and that just frustrates me because I'm just not like that at all generally.....

Sad truth is, yes, most men do. But I don't think he thinks you're a slapper. He just doesn't want a relationship.

That's pretty much what a one night stand is. Sex. Nothing more. Some love it, some hate it.

What makes someone a slapper is when they cheat on their boyfriends/girlfriends, have a new guy/girl every single weekend, lie to get it or just generally not give a flying **** about if they're married or have a partner. That makes a slapper. You aren't that.

cinderella2010

My experience of one night stands is this

Initially the morning after I have an almost euphoric feeling then I come crashing down and feel absolutely disgusted with myself - I have done it four times

Never ever again - well obviously not now anyway as I am married but even long before I met OH it had been a long time

Also one of my one night stands developed into a relationship (bad idea) after a few months of dating he broke up with me as he realised if I slept with him on the first night how many other guys had I put out to on the first night..totally made me feel like trash

kjl

I'm a guy,

I've had a good few one night stands, interestingly enough, 2 of my ex girlfriends were girls I slept with the first time I met them.

This is because I actually liked them, we had good chemistry. I also have had a lot of times where I know nothing will come of it and I'm just doing it for sex.

I don't see my ex's as sluts because they slept with me on the first night, sure I might have joked with them or whatever, but I would never be serious.

The problem is that women think that men do think they're sluts, when it couldn't be further from the truth. The truth is that guys call it getting lucky because its a hard thing to do, not because the women are so easy.

OP, I know that when the guy is attractive and the sex is good, its tempting to see where it goes, but generally guys do give indications as to weather they want something casual, or something more. You just have to listen. I had one last Saturday and I told her about 10 times, I'm not looking for anything serious. Despite this she kept asking me, what's to come of us?

Dudess

If you're worried about him thinking you're easy, why did you have sex with him? (Not that you shouldn't have). That's as contradictory as the "I have no respect for girls who 'put out' easily... yet I'll still have sex with them even though that makes me complicit in their 'loss of self respect'" peach.

Denimgirl

So just to make this clear dudess if you knew a girl for a few weeks say casualy not been out on dates or anything and then met her one night out in a club and had sex with her that with her that night would you count that as her being easy? or you think a strange girl one night in a night club going back with some guy is easy? the guys are having sex too! whats that make them?

Dudess

Do you always read things completely the wrong way (including gender/sexual orientation)?

Denimgirl

whatever your sexual orientation or gender is , I still would like to hear your opinion on what i said wether you gay or not,

ApeXaviour

questionsONS wrote: »

Even though I don't regret it because I enjoyed it, he never asked me for my number the next day and I suppose I'm wondering did I ruin it completely by sleeping with him too soon or was there anything even there to ruin in the first place? Am I reading too much into sexual chemistry? Do guys completely rule girls out straight away after a one night stand? I should probably mention that he doesn't live near me. I'm just wondering does he just think of me as a slapper now because I was so easy?

Your logic is a little unsettling. Your repetition of "I don't regret" especially. It sounds like you do regret it. You shouldn't, it hasn't left any invisible taint on your soul. You should feel free to sleep with whomever you want, quit overthinking and using out-dated patriarchal terms (slut/slapper etc. ugh).

Ruling out copious amounts of alcohol, men (and I assume women are capable of this too) can have two primary modes/motivations when engaging in sex.
1) I like you and want to see where this goes, in which case he would have asked you for your number.
2) I think you're sexy, I like you too, let's have some fun. (I'm not looking to get tied down right now).

He would only "rule you out" relationship-wise for sleeping with him on a first date if he was an immature tool with severe sexual hangups. In which case you really wouldn't want him. Go out, enjoy yourself.

shellyboo

Wompa1 wrote: »

I couldn't see myself having a relationship with a girl that gave it up the first night...

My opinion on this is... if you have a preference for girls who don't "give it up" easily, then you're going to end up with a girl who feels that sex is something to be "given up". A prize, as it were. Or possibly a reward for patience and/or good behaviour.

And there are an awful lot of men out there complaining that their girlfriends aren't being intimate enough with them, don't want sex as much as them, punish them by witholding sex etc. I get the feeling these are the same men who wouldn't be in a relationship with a girl who "gave it up" the first night.

I couldn't see myself having a relationship with a person who would withold sex *that they also wanted to have* from me for any reason -- society be damned.

Dudess

Denimgirl wrote: »

whatever your sexual orientation or gender is , I still would like to hear your opinion on what i said wether you gay or not,

Poster worried that she was easy - I asked why she went ahead and had the one-night stand so (didn't say she shouldn't have). I found it contradictory and compared it to when some guys express how they lose respect for a woman who "gives it up", despite those same guys being complicit in said "giving up".
I am a heterosexual female - I'm not into girls.

Darlughda

AJG wrote: »

Fair enough man. I am ****ed up. But seriously my only advice to this girl would be next time there's a genuine attraction maybe get his number and meet up with him a few times before sleeping with him. Make him work for it. If he genuinely likes you he'll wait and there would more chance of it going further. Call me old fashioned or ****ed up. Whatever.

Hia Old Fashioned,

As the name Darlughda, and the avatar suggests, I'm a woman, not a man.

Sometimes for some people sex on that night works. Couples do get together after first night sex, many others have ONS and enjoy it for what it is.

What the f are you on about with 'make him work for it'????
That means mind games.
Few women who are straightforward and honest are into that nonesense.

Holding out with sex is really a game for the 1950's housewives, and women who want to emulate that kind of stepford wives life.

Darlughda

Denimgirl wrote: »

whatever your sexual orientation or gender is , I still would like to hear your opinion on what i said wether you gay or not,

Sorry this is too funny not to have serious LOLs at.:pac::pac::pac:

Denimgirl

Well if you read the posts you would understand why I posted it you plonker! get a life! I hate know alls like you! LOL at that!!
I really don't understand why the moderators don't do something about the jears and snears on here, smartass's that take the time out to bother to write meaningless posts going straight off the topic of conversation!! SAD!

Ickle Magoo

Denimgirl, Darlughda - don't post on this thread again.

AJG

Darlughda wrote: »

Hia Old Fashioned,

As the name Darlughda, and the avatar suggests, I'm a woman, not a man.

Sometimes for some people sex on that night works. Couples do get together after first night sex, many others have ONS and enjoy it for what it is.

What the f are you on about with 'make him work for it'????
That means mind games.
Few women who are straightforward and honest are into that nonesense.

Holding out with sex is really a game for the 1950's housewives, and women who want to emulate that kind of stepford wives life.

Well she didn't hold out and it didn't get her anywhere, dude got his hole and scarpered. This is getting into a whole other debate. I probably didn't word some of my posts as well as I could have. By all means screw whoever you want, when you want that's your prerogative. I was just trying to shed some light on a particular mind set.

I think what most people here are saying is by all means have your fun but if your looking for a long-term thing then take it slow. Sure something could come from a one-nighter but generally it doesn't, it's just 'one-night'.

PS. Sorry mods I just saw the later replies.

Wompa1

AJG wrote: »

Well she didn't hold out and it didn't get her anywhere, dude got his hole and scarpered. This is getting into a whole other debate. I probably didn't word some of my posts as well as I could have. By all means screw whoever you want, when you want that's your prerogative. I was just trying to shed some light on a particular mind set.

I think what most people here are saying is by all means have your fun but if your looking for a long-term thing then take it slow. Sure something could come from a one-nighter but generally it doesn't, it's just 'one-night'.

PS. Sorry mods I just saw the later replies.

I'd agree with this. I don't know what it is but sticking with a girl that goes all the way the first night wouldn't feel right. Maybe it's because I'd be paranoid about her being more likely to cheat because she has shown that she thinks nothing of just going for it. Which would be naive of me because I'd say alot of women would go for it on the first night. It would be interesting to know why ONS girls are less attractive partners!