Sad & Confused

LegacyUser · 09-09-2010 9:58am #1

I'm not sure exactly where to start with this one but I could really do with some advice.

I have been with my other half for five years, We've been together since we were 20 years old and met in University.

We moved in together recently, and while I dont think that this is the instigator in our problem, it's happened before, it's a part of it. I'm not sure how I feel about him. He is an amazing boyfriend and partner. He takes care of me, is unbelievably caring, loving, considerate, trustworthy and everything else you may need in a relationship. I'm still very much attracted to him.

I'm scared that I'm being horrible to him, because I'm not so sure about the relationship. I know that I could marry him in the morning and that we would be very content together for the rest of our lives. But how do you decide that this person is the one? I'm not sure... Lately, I've been thinking a lot about being single and wondering how I would cope on my own. I feel like we've been together so long and at such a young age that I have lost part of myself... I'm not sure if I know how to be on my own anymore, but think that I may need to be. Just to even prove to myself that I can be and that I'm still my own person.

Recently, a friend commented that I'm totally different around him. That when we are together I'm quieter and subdued and that when I'm out on a night out without him that I'm much more fun and careful and generally better fun to be around.

Have I lost who I am? I've spoken to him about it over the past few days and it's resulted in a lot of tears on both sides. He wants me to give him a chance and see if we can work on things, I'm not sure what the problem is to even work on! I dont have a solution, we dont have a big problem, just that I'm not sure if this is what I want anymore. He said that if I leave then thats it, and I totally understand that. I cant expect him to wait around until I make up my mind, and I'm not 100% sure I'm ready to give up on him either.

I just feel so sad about the situation and so sorry for him. He doesnt deserve this, he deserves someone that will appreciate him for everything that he is.

Has anyone else ever had doubts like this before and worked on it and solved the problem? Or do I need to move out and see what happens? The last thing I want is to get married with these doubts, and then make the situation so much worse. I know that he has been saving for the perfect engagement ring for me.

LegacyUser · 09-09-2010 10:22am

My gf has just ended it with me for the exact same reason, we've only been together a year. I'm just trying to give her time to work it out but know its probably futile, if you truely care for him talk to him and come to some sort of arrangement, like less time together and make more plans with friends, maybe holiday alone and see can you sort your head out. If i could get my ex to agree to that I'd be very very happy

princeofparma · 09-09-2010 10:45am

Is it true that you and your man believe in the whole true love idea and you both believe couples can be sole mates and love one another totally and completely?
You both got together when you were very young and have had a serious relationship.
Many other people have had lots and lots of sex with numerous partners and a string of casual sexual relationships. That clearly is what neither of you are into.
You seem to believe that if you are with someone, you are with a person you love and it is long term.
BUT you have to ask yourselves some hard questions.
Are you both together because of a fear of rejection or fear of loneliness?
Are you both just clinging together? If that is the reality - it may not be - is that what 'love' really means?
You both can only answer that question to each other.
Do you think you both should have a 'break' and see other people, have casual sexual relationships, just get out of each other's hair and give it a try some other time if you both still believe it is meant to be?
Perhaps there is nothing wrong at all, that you are just panicking normally the way most people do when marriage rears it's 'ugly' head.
Marriage is a big commitment, the most important commitment of your lives and it can seem final.
Does being married seem like a prison sentence or like a door is being slammed shut? Are you scared that this man is the only man you are going to be with for the rest of your life?
The reality is that marriage will not change anything - it just means that your relationship is official.
It does not mean you will not be attracted to or lusting after other men or that your partner will not be turned on by woman at the beach in her bikini or that both of you will not have rows or problems or fights.
Maybe you should stop setting the bar so high in your life?
Perhaps nothing is wrong and you are worrying over nothing?

CDfm · 09-09-2010 12:33pm

OP this is more your issue than his.

All this talk about not knowing who you are etc is very airey fairy IMHO.At 25 you should have a fair idea what you want out of life.

You are 25 and probably envy the single life a bit. Your friends comments are a bit superfluous as if I am out with my friends I am going to be a bit more risque in my conversation and behaviour than I would be than if I am out with my partner.Is your friend single.

The relationship book That Bitch has a relationship due diligence checklist etc which is available and its more of a what do you want from life checklist http://www.thatbitchbook.com/due_diligence.html

Thats not a comment on you but I have posted that link in a few places and the feedback has aklways been positive.

I am not a fan of those who suggest taking a break and seeing other people because it is very much like - I will come back for you if I cant do any better.

So if you think you are being a bit mean well you may be. I have a friend who is a bit older than you and she has gone thru this recently and they did break up. She is my friend and I was very supportive of her trying to get him back - I do feel she can do better because she was the one carrying him.

I think you should calm down on the talking to him so deeply but you should speak to someone about it as like it or not you are talking break up . Maybe not a counsellor but maybe you have a sensible friend, sister or your Mum or Dad who you can be honest with and who you can tell your feelings too and maybe who could tell you if they think you are selfish or a drama queen or whatever. Like would he be able to post what you said about him about you

We moved in together recently, and while I dont think that this is the instigator in our problem, it's happened before, it's a part of it. I'm not sure how I feel about him. He is an amazing boyfriend and partner. He takes care of me, is unbelievably caring, loving, considerate, trustworthy and everything else you may need in a relationship. I'm still very much attracted to him.

The reason I am saying this is others might see you differently than you see yourself.Not everyone has a Posh'n'Becks life and while you are questioning what he does for you-he might equally question and speak to people about what you bring to the relationship

I hope I am not being harsh on you because your post is very brief and I can only talk relative to my own experience.

Now you may not love the guy and he may not be the one for you and you are young enough to start over again. The whole timing thing may not be right for you and you may want to do other things with your life and thats ok to. Its no reason to give the relationship the death of a thousand cuts while you make your mind up.

sbsquarepants · 09-09-2010 1:06pm

I think your problem is this, how many people do you know, that met their partner early on in life and then went on to have life long happy relationships? I'm sure it happens, just not very often and among the younger generations practicaly never.
Boy meets girl, they fall in love and live happily ever after is a great fairy tale, but unfortunately that's usually all it is. I personaly know of loads of people who done just what you've done, settled down way too early and in all the cases i know of, it didn't last. You start to feel like you've missed out on your youth. Pubs and clubs etc are full of 40 year olds behaving as if they're 20, probably because when they were 20, they behaved like they were 40! Forever is an awfull long time if you start at 20 years old!
I could be totaly wide of the mark, but that's my take on things anyway!!

LegacyUser · 09-09-2010 2:07pm

In ways I think all of the responses are correct.

What I meant by not knowing who I am, I had been suffering from depression when I met my OH. He literally picked me up off the ground and sat beside me for the next 5plus years to help me get back on track. Now that I'm feeling stronger I have an urge to know if I can go about life as a single person or so I rely on him too much to help me when I'm feeling down.

I guess I'm at a stage where I either agree to marry him, or start afresh on my own. I'm just not sure that he's the one, or that there is ever the one?! It might sound ridiculous but how do you know? Or is it a case of they are just the right person at the right time? As in, you settle down with the person that you just happen to be with when you feel like you're ready to settle down?

I understand that it's more my issue than his and its not fair to be putting him through this when he has done absolutely nothing wrong. Sure he would he would be a brilliant husband, provider, dad.. everything you could ask for.

Moomoo1 · 09-09-2010 2:57pm

sbsquarepants wrote: »

I think your problem is this, how many people do you know, that met their partner early on in life and then went on to have life long happy relationships? I'm sure it happens, just not very often and among the younger generations practicaly never.
Boy meets girl, they fall in love and live happily ever after is a great fairy tale, but unfortunately that's usually all it is. I personaly know of loads of people who done just what you've done, settled down way too early and in all the cases i know of, it didn't last. You start to feel like you've missed out on your youth. Pubs and clubs etc are full of 40 year olds behaving as if they're 20, probably because when they were 20, they behaved like they were 40! Forever is an awfull long time if you start at 20 years old!
I could be totaly wide of the mark, but that's my take on things anyway!!

I can think of at least nine such people off the top of my head. A couple I know married at 18, still together after 12 years. Another married at 23 (having met at 19-20), still together after 8 years. Another girl married at 22, having met her partner at 20, still together after 10 years. And so on: people who meet at 18-19-20 and end up in LTR's or marriage.

I always say that there is no such thing as 'too early' or 'too late' in relationships. If you feel it's 'too early' then there's something wrong with the other person, not with what age you started dating.

EDIT: oh, and what exactly is wrong with 40yo's behaving like they are 20? In a way, I admire people who stay young and don't get sucked into the dreaded middle-age.

Moomoo1 · 09-09-2010 3:06pm

OP.... wrote: »

In ways I think all of the responses are correct.

What I meant by not knowing who I am, I had been suffering from depression when I met my OH. He literally picked me up off the ground and sat beside me for the next 5plus years to help me get back on track. Now that I'm feeling stronger I have an urge to know if I can go about life as a single person or so I rely on him too much to help me when I'm feeling down.

I guess I'm at a stage where I either agree to marry him, or start afresh on my own. I'm just not sure that he's the one, or that there is ever the one?! It might sound ridiculous but how do you know? Or is it a case of they are just the right person at the right time? As in, you settle down with the person that you just happen to be with when you feel like you're ready to settle down?

I understand that it's more my issue than his and its not fair to be putting him through this when he has done absolutely nothing wrong. Sure he would he would be a brilliant husband, provider, dad.. everything you could ask for.

why can't you learn to stand on your own two feet whilst being in a relationship? Apart from sleeping with other people, what do you get in single life than you can't have in a relationship?

If you want independence, being able to do things on your own, it's all in your own hands. You seem to be blaming him for your lack of it, and it's obviously easier to be independent if you lose your crutch rather than still have it tempting you, but is it really impossible?

If you were a guy with children (like me), who has to earn a living for his family, and is therefore (through responsibilities) severely restricted in what he can do in life (eg I couldn't just go off and study, or take up a job on the other side of the world), then you could at least claim that the relationship affects the choices you make. But you aren't a guy, and you have no children, so what's the problem? Get off your backside and build a life of your own, and only then re-assess things about your relationship.

LegacyUser · 09-09-2010 3:18pm

Moomoo1 wrote: »

why can't you learn to stand on your own two feet whilst being in a relationship? Apart from sleeping with other people, what do you get in single life than you can't have in a relationship?

If you want independence, being able to do things on your own, it's all in your own hands. You seem to be blaming him for your lack of it, and it's obviously easier to be independent if you lose your crutch rather than still have it tempting you, but is it really impossible?

If you were a guy with children (like me), who has to earn a living for his family, and is therefore (through responsibilities) severely restricted in what he can do in life (eg I couldn't just go off and study, or take up a job on the other side of the world), then you could at least claim that the relationship affects the choices you make. But you aren't a guy, and you have no children, so what's the problem? Get off your backside and build a life of your own, and only then re-assess things about your relationship.

Standing on my own two feet because we have all the same friends, and we do everything together. It's so easy for me to do these things because he's always there supporting me. I guess I want to know that I can support myself and in a way I cant do that while I'm with him.

I'm not saying that you're wrong, I just feel like you're being a tad harsh as it's not that easy to just get up and do other things. I obviously have very low self esteem after suffering from depression, He's in a permanent job that he would never consider leaving where I would like to just take off for a while, act our age, do some travelling and not be so concerned with paying rent, bills and life that I see as being older than I am. Maybe this makes me immature, but it doesnt make me a bad person.

I'm not blaming him for anything at all, I said that he in fact deserves better than the way I feel about him at the moment.

CDfm · 09-09-2010 4:14pm

OP........ wrote: »

Standing on my own two feet because we have all the same friends, and we do everything together. It's so easy for me to do these things because he's always there supporting me. I guess I want to know that I can support myself and in a way I cant do that while I'm with him.

So why dont you pay your own way equally in everything from now on.

I'm not saying that you're wrong, I just feel like you're being a tad harsh as it's not that easy to just get up and do other things. I obviously have very low self esteem after suffering from depression, He's in a permanent job that he would never consider leaving where I would like to just take off for a while, act our age, do some travelling and not be so concerned with paying rent, bills and life that I see as being older than I am. Maybe this makes me immature, but it doesnt make me a bad person.

Whats wrong with him not giving up a safe secure job and living precariously.It does not make you a bad person but it does mean that you are not ready for marriage.If you suffer from depressiion you should be seeking help for it and your self esteem issues as you have been to university so you are not stupid. Certainly if you want to give up work and take off part it may be you want him there as security . So if thats what you want to do why are you not doing it yourself . So is it because if you screw up and what you dont want to give up the security he gives.{quote]I'm not blaming him for anything at all, I said that he in fact deserves better than the way I feel about him at the moment.[/quote]could it possibly be that you are not getting your own way

sbsquarepants · 09-09-2010 4:29pm

Moomoo1 wrote: »

EDIT: oh, and what exactly is wrong with 40yo's behaving like they are 20? .

Ha, absolutely nothing at all. I'm only a few short years away from doing it myself!:D

But I do think that the majority of people who settle down early in life regret it later on. Well, maybe regret is maybe too strong a word, but i've personally seen a lot of such relationships break up and it's usually cos either 1 party, or both, kind of rebelled later on, an early mid life crisis of sorts.
Also people change and evolve all the time, but the rate of change slows dramatically with age. It's altogether concievable that you'll be more or less the same person at 50 say, that you were at 40, much less so that you'll be the same person at 30 that you were at 20.

IrishEyes19 · 09-09-2010 5:06pm

Moomoo1 wrote: »

I can think of at least nine such people off the top of my head. A couple I know married at 18, still together after 12 years. Another married at 23 (having met at 19-20), still together after 8 years. Another girl married at 22, having met her partner at 20, still together after 10 years. And so on: people who meet at 18-19-20 and end up in LTR's or marriage.

I always say that there is no such thing as 'too early' or 'too late' in relationships. If you feel it's 'too early' then there's something wrong with the other person, not with what age you started dating.

EDIT: oh, and what exactly is wrong with 40yo's behaving like they are 20? In a way, I admire people who stay young and don't get sucked into the dreaded middle-age.

Have to disagree there, I think if you meet your life partner at 20 and you are very happy and feel you have had enough experience in life to settle down so young, fair enough and best of luck to you. But I think its rare that it happens that way, I can see the OP's reasons for being not so sure. Settling down into a serious relationship so young isnt easy.

Zen65 · 09-09-2010 5:44pm

Lost & confused wrote: »

Recently, a friend commented that I'm totally different around him.

...... that when I'm out on a night out without him that I'm much more fun and careful and generally better fun to be around.

[I think you probably mean "carefree"]

This is true of most people in a long-term relationship. In your case perhaps the difference is more pronounced because you are away from him for such short periods.

Just because you enjoy your "own time" don't jump to the conclusion that you'd be happier away from him permanently. I'm happy walking the streets alone at night, but if I was homeless (or did not have a loving family to come home to) it would be a very different experience for me, and certainly not a happy one.

Develop your own interests - independent from your OH - before you decide that your relationship is suffocating you. Most people learn to balance an "independent life" with a relationship.

Be at peace,

Z

Structurally Sound Mentally Unstable · 09-09-2010 8:18pm

Hello lost & confused, I can totally relate to this situation.

I am 20yrs old, with my boyfriend for 3 years, love him to bits etc. I can associate with you completely, from the depression to the feeling of unsettlement. I am not looking to take over this thread just put down some of my feeling that may help you.

Lets face it, these feelings are here for a reason. Whether it is due to boredom in your relationship or boredom in yourself, something is not 100% in your life. Even if you are 99% sure you want to be in the relationship, 1% can feel like the weight of the world on your shoulders.

I feel like my relationship is great, and I know it sounds selfish, but maybe its time to just think about yourself. Now is the time and age to be selfish and discover who you are. Someone above said you can discover who you are in a relationship but this is nearly impossible. You probably will invent a new you to suit the relationship, all of course subconciusly. This is probable what your friend meant. I have done this too, but it may not be completley a negative thing. You run the risk of loosing your OH because they might not like the new you.

I am waiting to see my boyfriend again to talk to him. Because deep down you know the only thing you can do is talk to him about it. If the relationship ends, then the decision is made for you. On the otherhand he might not let you go because he loves you so much. Then go with your gut. You either stay with him because you love him so much and realise you were just unsure, or you realise deep down that its over.

Talk to him, explain what you said to us, and go with your gut. This is what I am going to do, but deep down I know my gut will tell me my relationship is over. I really hope you can resolve this issue, because it drains all your energy I am sure!

Best of luck
x

Moomoo1 · 10-09-2010 12:04am

sbsquarepants wrote: »

But I do think that the majority of people who settle down early in life regret it later on. Well, maybe regret is maybe too strong a word, but i've personally seen a lot of such relationships break up and it's usually cos either 1 party, or both, kind of rebelled later on, an early mid life crisis of sorts.
Also peple change and evolve all the time, but the rate of change slows dramatically with age. It's altogether concievable that you'll be more or less the same person at 50 say, that you were at 40, much less so that you'll be the same person at 30 that you were at 20.

true, but we do things that we'd later regret all the time

. Doesn't necessarily mean they weren't worth doing to start with.

all I am saying is that one should be going with one's heart, not some pre-conceived notion of what's best at what age.

Moomoo1 · 10-09-2010 12:25am

OP........ wrote: »

Standing on my own two feet because we have all the same friends, and we do everything together. It's so easy for me to do these things because he's always there supporting me. I guess I want to know that I can support myself and in a way I cant do that while I'm with him.

I'm not saying that you're wrong, I just feel like you're being a tad harsh as it's not that easy to just get up and do other things. I obviously have very low self esteem after suffering from depression, He's in a permanent job that he would never consider leaving where I would like to just take off for a while, act our age, do some travelling and not be so concerned with paying rent, bills and life that I see as being older than I am. Maybe this makes me immature, but it doesnt make me a bad person.

I'm not blaming him for anything at all, I said that he in fact deserves better than the way I feel about him at the moment.

why can't you do it?

you can move out. You can go on a holiday by yourself, have an LTR for a few months and see how it feels. And so on.

I have no doubt that he isn't perfect either: that he acts the father role that he's so used to and doesn't really let you do much by yourself. When you socialise he needs to perhaps let you speak more, so you can be yourself? For example I am not aware of acting differently with my partner than without, so it's quite strange that you are. So that's something he needs to work on as well...

bottom line is, to men everything you are saying sounds like 'I don't love you'. And I bet that's how it sounds to him. Esp. given the fact you were depressed for most of the relationship (?), so now that you've got a chance to spread your wings he maybe feels that you feel that you can do better now?

Sad & Confused

Comments