Has anyone ever regretted a break up?

LegacyUser

Have you ever broke up with someone and then regretted it?

The reason I ask (and yes, this is another ex thread, sorry. ) is because my boyfriend broke up with me out of the blue last year. We were together almost a year, had a fight one night and he said 'maybe we should break up if I'm not making you happy,' so we did. I thought it would all blow over but we met up once after the breakup and he told me he 'just wasn't feeling it any more.' Hearing that, I cut all ties with him (removed his number from my phone and him from Facebook) and haven't seen or heard from him since. Fastforward a year and I still miss him as much as I did the day we broke up and would like to b****slap myself halfway around the country for that reason! Why the heck am I still caught up on this guy? Don't get me wrong, I haven't sat and wallowed over the last year. After allowing myself a suffient grieving period, I went out with friends, partied, did butt loads of new things that I'd never done before, volunteered in a couple of great events and made tons of new friends and have even started back at college! Not to mention that I lost weight (I've always been slim but took up a new fitness regime that has seen great results!), got a new haircut and actually developed a taste for fashion and dressing well (was a bit of a tomboy before that) that has seen the interest level of the opposite sex skyrocket! I've never been so busy and popular....and I've never been more miserable. Despite all the things I've achieved this year (and trust me, its been alot) and despite the fact that I got councelling for a few months after the breakup, I am still completely heartbroken after this guy! And I am so irritated with myself that I am. I only had two serious relationships before this (I'm 30), one lasted a year and the other three and a half and when those ended (although I was suitably berift at first), I got up and moved on so why is this time so bloody DIFFERENT?!!! I've done just about everything I can think of to get over this guy except date someone else (and trust me, that wouldn't work for me...I'm normally the kind of girl who prefers being single and I hate dating for the sake of it. If my heart isn't in it then I just don't want to do it) and here I am still in love with him! Am I mental? And even more insane is the fact that I keep feeling like he's the one...and I don't even believe in that nonsense!!! (I can't tell you how many irritated discussions I've hate with myself over that one). No one could ever accuse me of being romantic or sentimental, so why for the love of all things caffeniated, am I even thinking this crap?!!!!

I guess, what I'm asking (at the end of a very long rant, apologies) is, have you ever broken up with someone and then regretted it? Part of me hopes desperately he'll contact me telling me he's sorry and wants another go and the other (more rational, long suffering) part is telling me to just cop the f**k on because its over and he's not coming back. If he cared about me then he would never have broken up with me. I feel like I'm going crazy with these two voices constantly at war in my head and wish to god I could just forget this guy but I sodding well can't!

Feel free to give me hope or slap me in the face with reality because I'm bouncing between those two extremes anyway. Like I said, part of me (stupid, stupid, STUPID gut instinct) is hopeful he'll come back because I feel he's the one, while the other half (ah, blessed voice of reason) is telling me to just cop on because he's gone for good! Please don't think I'm mental for thinking this because I really am a sane, rational individual by nature and have never felt so irritated with myself in my life!

So....have you ever broken up with someone and then regretted it?

whatsamsn

Well first off op i think your gut instincts are right. Just that they are being over shadowed by feelings and desires. But hey, we're all guilty of doing the same in life at times But I dont think this is a case of can people have regrets as you ask.


I dont know if you would agree with me on the following after reading your thread:

• I think that because basically he was the one to break up with you. (aka you were happy to continue, he wasnt) You're the one that will be more hurt over it/be on your mind than his. I personally think its all about who breaks up with who. The "breakup-ee" will take longer I think than the "break-upper" - Its that mental mind game that gets played.
• Your right that you shouldnt get into a relationship for the sake of it. Totally agree. However, I reckon why you still think about him is because you havent met anyone else. No-one has replaced that void. It doesnt matter if you've been with other men since. It has to be on the same level as the ex was.

(Personally I think this next bit will help you) - I really think we dont get over someone until we meet someone else. Even if one hated their ex. That void is missing. I think that missing void sometimes can be translated wrong into thinking we miss the particular person. Of course we might for a sufficient period. But anything over that I personally think is us missing the bond, the experiences... even the sex.

I think alot of people feel the same as you in particular moments in their life. Just that you made a thread about it (being open/trying to find a soultion) While alot of people might just carry it with them until they meet someone else


As for a solution? I think you'll feel the same op until someone has filled that void

CDfm

You are going thru a lot of things and there is a lot of change in your life and self improvement.

A relationship would have given stability and you miss that

I hope you dont mind me asking -have you ever been dumpted before and what kind of stuff was the argument about.

Dropping all contact is part of the course ans sometimes people get back if the other has not moved on like new relationship or whatever.

LouiseLaw

Hey Op

Im commenting basically based on the fact that i went through something quite similiar to yourself....

I have quite a fullfilling life myself and keep myself busy with my work, friends, social life.. everything else i could need. I do often think about my ex and sometimes think I still have the same feelings for him...stupid as it may be.

However when i get to this way of thinking.. I say to myself.. whats meant to be is meant to be and you cant force a person to be with you.. if you are to spend your life concentrating on being sad/ reminissing about the ex then you will never find anyone else.. well people basically say that to me.. but its easier said then done sometimes..

Im not a great believer in when you meet someone else you fully get over the ex.. i have put myself out there and met guys and i just cannot seem to let go in my mind that "something" i once had with my ex...maybe when the right person comes along I will change..

I am one of those people who tries to get on with it but it still is in the back of my mind a year later ( its funny i was with the ex a year too) .... perhaps it takes people different lengths of time to get over people. I had been in a 5 year relationship previous to this guy and it wasnt as hard.. maybe cos i felt this guy i was with for a year was "the one" or maybe its cos im just so darn sick of never finding the real "one" that has my mind in a mess.

I think you need to be fully happy on your own and in your own skin before you can find the right person for you and be happy..

Maybe you will get the ex back.. may you wont.. but always remember.. whats meant for you wont pass you.

half resigned, half hopeful wrote: »

Have you ever broke up with someone and then regretted it?

The reason I ask (and yes, this is another ex thread, sorry. ) is because my boyfriend broke up with me out of the blue last year. We were together almost a year, had a fight one night and he said 'maybe we should break up if I'm not making you happy,' so we did. I thought it would all blow over but we met up once after the breakup and he told me he 'just wasn't feeling it any more.' Hearing that, I cut all ties with him (removed his number from my phone and him from Facebook) and haven't seen or heard from him since. Fastforward a year and I still miss him as much as I did the day we broke up and would like to b****slap myself halfway around the country for that reason! Why the heck am I still caught up on this guy? Don't get me wrong, I haven't sat and wallowed over the last year. After allowing myself a suffient grieving period, I went out with friends, partied, did butt loads of new things that I'd never done before, volunteered in a couple of great events and made tons of new friends and have even started back at college! Not to mention that I lost weight (I've always been slim but took up a new fitness regime that has seen great results!), got a new haircut and actually developed a taste for fashion and dressing well (was a bit of a tomboy before that) that has seen the interest level of the opposite sex skyrocket! I've never been so busy and popular....and I've never been more miserable. Despite all the things I've achieved this year (and trust me, its been alot) and despite the fact that I got councelling for a few months after the breakup, I am still completely heartbroken after this guy! And I am so irritated with myself that I am. I only had two serious relationships before this (I'm 30), one lasted a year and the other three and a half and when those ended (although I was suitably berift at first), I got up and moved on so why is this time so bloody DIFFERENT?!!! I've done just about everything I can think of to get over this guy except date someone else (and trust me, that wouldn't work for me...I'm normally the kind of girl who prefers being single and I hate dating for the sake of it. If my heart isn't in it then I just don't want to do it) and here I am still in love with him! Am I mental? And even more insane is the fact that I keep feeling like he's the one...and I don't even believe in that nonsense!!! (I can't tell you how many irritated discussions I've hate with myself over that one). No one could ever accuse me of being romantic or sentimental, so why for the love of all things caffeniated, am I even thinking this crap?!!!!

I guess, what I'm asking (at the end of a very long rant, apologies) is, have you ever broken up with someone and then regretted it? Part of me hopes desperately he'll contact me telling me he's sorry and wants another go and the other (more rational, long suffering) part is telling me to just cop the f**k on because its over and he's not coming back. If he cared about me then he would never have broken up with me. I feel like I'm going crazy with these two voices constantly at war in my head and wish to god I could just forget this guy but I sodding well can't!

Feel free to give me hope or slap me in the face with reality because I'm bouncing between those two extremes anyway. Like I said, part of me (stupid, stupid, STUPID gut instinct) is hopeful he'll come back because I feel he's the one, while the other half (ah, blessed voice of reason) is telling me to just cop on because he's gone for good! Please don't think I'm mental for thinking this because I really am a sane, rational individual by nature and have never felt so irritated with myself in my life!

So....have you ever broken up with someone and then regretted it?

LegacyUser

Hi, OP here. Thank you everyone for replying.

whatsamsn wrote: »

I really think we dont get over someone until we meet someone else. Even if one hated their ex. That void is missing. I think that missing void sometimes can be translated wrong into thinking we miss the particular person. Of course we might for a sufficient period. But anything over that I personally think is us missing the bond, the experiences... even the sex.

I think alot of people feel the same as you in particular moments in their life. Just that you made a thread about it (being open/trying to find a soultion) While alot of people might just carry it with them until they meet someone else


As for a solution? I think you'll feel the same op until someone has filled that void

That's good advice but I'm afraid it won't work for me. I broke up with a long term boyfriend 6 years ago (I did the breaking up but really didn't want to, he was just having some serious issues that were seriously affecting our relationship and my mental health, and I just couldn't take it any more when I realised he wasn't willing to get help) and after three and half years together, missed him terribly. No more than now, I did everything under the sun to get over the breakup...including dating other guys. And I have to be honest, no matter how nice the guys were or how cute, I always felt a hundred times worse for days following the date. I even went out with someone for a month that I'd always had a major crush on and called it a day because it left me feeling so miserable that he wasn't my ex! However, seven months after the breakup, I felt much more my old self and even though I still missed my ex, it had got much easier. By the time a year rolled around, I had forgotten him altogether and stayed very contentedly single for the next four years until I met my last ex. And right now, even the idea of dating someone else makes me sick to my stomach. I get why you would think it would help because it does work for most people, but I'm just not someone who does relationships easily (I do find them work) and I don't like going out with someone if my heart isn't in it so I just don't. I'm old enough now in that I know what works for me and what doesn't.

CDfm, I have been dumped before by another boyfriend of a year (fecker cheated on me then dumped me by text!). I was pretty devestated but also so angry that it helped me move past that breakup...didn't really give a s**t about the guy after four months (and I had fancied him for two years before we got together!). The breakup of my longterm ex (see above) would have been alot harder. I'm guessing you asked me if I'd ever been dumped before to gage how I dealt with breakups? Answer would be pretty standard until now. Arguement was me being annoyed with him that we spent almost no alone time together (something we had talked about twice before and he'd promised to make more of an effort but never did). Spent lots of time together in groups (which I loved, don't get me wrong...I'm a very sociable person) but sometimes I just felt that I was been squeezed in around everything else with no time for me. We didn't really fight all that much aside from that one issue. As for the changes in my life, I instigated all of those after the breakup to keep my mind busy and they have kept me sane. I am not the kind of person who craves the stability of a relationship and that is not what I'm missing from my ex. I just miss HIM. Forgive me if I sound a little irriated when I say that but I've spent the last year having people telling me that it's the relationship I miss and I'll be fine once I meet someone else and it drives me nuts because everyone knows that I'm happy being single. Genuinely happy, its not just something I say.

Sunflower, glad to hear it worked out for you and your ex. But I really amn't sitting around waiting for my ex to come back...like I said already, I've accomplished more in the last year of my life than ever before. What's killing me is that it still isn't helping me to forget him and after a year of feeling like this, I'm getting worn down and burnt out and just want to forget him so I can stop being so miserable without him. I should think that after a year of the breakup I would be feeling some bit better but I feel as bad as I did the day we broke up.

Oh dear, I've just read back over my response and it sounds like I'm being really ungrateful for the advice given! I'm not and I really do appreciate it that all of you took the time to reply. I'm just frustrated that I'm still so miserable a year after the breakup and I just want to go back to feeling normal again. It's awful to have so much and yet still feel so miserable and I can't understand why I do. What is making this guy so different to my other breakups? Why can't I just get him out of my head and far far away from my thoughts? I think the reason I psoted this thread is because I was hoping someone would tell me that people do regret breakups and can get back together because part of me is hoping that my ex will change his mind. The other part of me is just comepletly withered from the whole thing and just wants to forget him and go back to feeling happy again (a year of this and I feel like I'm in hell) and I want someone to tell me exactly how I put him out of my head because short of a car accident and amnesia, anything I've tried hasn't worked. It's just sheer misery, frustration, anger and bitterness that's making me post things I would never normally post on a board because I feel like if something doesn't change soon, I'll have a breakdown. I've done a year of feeling like this and I just don't think I can do it for any longer.

LegacyUser

Why not contact him OP?

LegacyUser

Hi OP

I know how you feel and its horrible. My boyfriend broke up with me 9 months ago after 7 years, 3 living together. I've been exactly like you, I tried to avoid sitting in moping and I've been more sociable and outgoing in the past months than ever before. I've met loads of new people, done night classes, volunteered, started going to the gym. I feel like I'm doing everything right, I'm doing everyhing I should be doing, but it hasn't made that much difference.

In a way I know it has done me some good as I'm more confident and outgoing than I used to be. And to look at me you wouldn't think that anything was bothering me. But there is still a huge, deep unhappiness and regret with me about the break up and I can't imagine ever leaving that behind. I know people will say it will change when I meet someone else, but the way I still feel I don't want anyone else. I thought I would spend my life with him and I still haven't really taken in that that won't be happening.

Like you, I have always been quite independent, even during the relationship, so I know its not just a matter of missing his company. I miss him. He is still my first thought in the morning and I spend a disgraceful amount of each day thinking of him. And I don't know what more I can do to change that. Also like you, I'm so angry at myself for still feeling like this.

For me it has gotten to the stage where I think a more drastic change is needed to drag me out of this. I'm looking at new jobs and considering whether to go travelling or move to another city as I feel like SOMETHING needs to happen to change the way I am now. I also think I'm going to go to counselling. It's like I've gotten stuck in a rut of constantly thinking about it and still hoping (but never admitting to anyone) that he will come back, even though I genuinely amn't sitting around waiting for him. I stupidly went to 2 fortune tellers in the horrific early days of the break up and they told me he would come back and I think that made things worse.

I don't know what I can say to make you feel better and I'm sorry for hijacking your thread. But I know you said that you're no better than you were when it first happened - try to give yourself some more credit, it sounds like you're doing really well and if you think back to the early days of the break up, I bet there's no comparison to how far you've come and that you're being hard on yourself by saying you've made no progress. Give yourself more time and that improvement will continue. Would you consider maybe going to counselling if you haven't already?

I also think that age is an issue, I've been through breakups before and gotten over them relatively quickly but I'm about the same age as you and at this age you tend to start thinking that a long term relationship is hopefully for keeps so it hits you harder when it turns out that it isn't.

Go for it girl! wrote: »

Why not contact him OP?

This is something I consider on the darker days and I always end up thinking that I can't put myself through that hurt again. If you are tempted to contact him to see if there's any chance to give things another go and if you think that would help you feel like you've given it your all, then go for it. But make sure you're prepared for a possible negative outcome. How would you feel if he said no, I'm with someone else and very happy? Would you be able to take it?

Best of luck OP, I hope it gets easier for both of us!

LegacyUser

Go for it girl! wrote: »

Why not contact him OP?

Oh, how I wish I could. The last week has been so crazy that I haven't even been online. I'm literally squeezing sleeping and eating in around college, working, my volunteer work and friends...yet I still miss my ex terribly and cry myself to sleep every night. Last night I had a weird dream about him and woke abruptly at 4am! I couldn't get back to sleep after that. It's been a year and this is not normal behaviour. I'm going out of my mind (and even as I type, I'm gnashing my teeth at how irritating and whiney my posts sound). I'd contact him in the morning if I thought it would make a difference but the rational side of me knows that I'd only be contacting him in hope of getting back together and then be crushed by him telling me he doesn't want to or (worse) he's seeing someone. Even though half of me wants nothing more than him to contact me, the other half knows its over. I just want to end the hell I'm in and move on with my life.

LegacyUser

know the feeling wrote: »

I stupidly went to 2 fortune tellers in the horrific early days of the break up and they told me he would come back and I think that made things worse.

What were ya expecting going to crank fortune tellers in dublin, from what I hear they are all spoofers (i have never done it myself mind) they tell you what you want to hear, listen to your heart not these scam artists. I am sorry for your sadness

CDfm

half resigned, half hopeful wrote: »

Oh, how I wish I could. The last week has been so crazy that I haven't even been online. I'm literally squeezing sleeping and eating in around college, working, my volunteer work and friends....

Maybe you didnt have time for a relationship or even another one to get over the break up. Too busy.

I think you have put yourbreak up blues on the long finger and life has moved on but you havent.

LegacyUser

feel yer pain wrote: »

What were ya expecting going to crank fortune tellers in dublin, from what I hear they are all spoofers (i have never done it myself mind) they tell you what you want to hear, listen to your heart not these scam artists. I am sorry for your sadness

I know that, that's why I said I "stupidly" went to them. It's all very well to ask me what I was expecting but it was a horrible time, I wasn't thinking straight. I was extremely down and low and willing to try anything that would give me some hope.

To go back on topic, OP as I said I'm in the same boat and I feel that if at this stage I'm not getting over by myself despite doing all the supposedly right things its time to get more help. I'm definitely going to start counselling and maybe this would help you too. Just something to think about. Best of luck.

LegacyUser

CDfm wrote: »

Maybe you didnt have time for a relationship or even another one to get over the break up. Too busy.

I think you have put yourbreak up blues on the long finger and life has moved on but you havent.

But I did make time! The first two/three months after the break up, I did nothing but wallow, cry, talk to friends and family, see a councellor and shop (essential break up therapy in my opinion! ). And then I got up and got on with life (there really is only so long you can stay in that extreme grieving period without it turning into depression). The reason I've taken so much on at the moment and over the last few months is because it's the only thing that's keeping me sane! When I stop, even for a moment, I feel like I'm going to cave. I'm getting desperate at this point because I'm tired of feeling so miserable all the bloody time! And I'm irritated with myself for still feeling this way as well, it's been over a year now, longer than the time we were together and I'm still completely heartbroken over this guy.

Knowthefeeling, I'm sorry to hear you're in the same position, it's sheer hell, isn't it? I feel like I'm going to jump off a bridge if things don't improve soon; a year of feeling like this and my sanity is starting to suffer. And I attended counselling every week for five months following the break up. It didn't help. I started back in councelling a few weeks ago with a different councellor in hopes of making some progress in forgetting my ex and moving on but so far, nada.

I swear, I will never EVER get into a relationship with someone again because nothing is worth this (and I know everyone says that after getting their hearts broken but I really, truly mean it. I've lost every good feeling about life, happiness and things in general over this last year and it's been going on so long that I really feel like I'm losing my sanity).

I realise I sound like a desperate mad woman (okay, so I am one!) on these posts but I just don't know what else to do. I'm tired of feeling so miserable all the time (and I mean ALL the time). Aside from getting ridiculous, it's really starting to wear me down and I have tried everything under the sun to get over my ex. I would just love someone to hand me a magic pill that would make me forget him because I cannot go on much longer like this, it's destroying me.

LegacyUser

im exactly in the same position and finding it very hard to get over my ex. im so glad this thread exists. basically i was miss my ex 5 years and we split over 16 months now. Im 32 and with her since i was 25. i lost a hell of a lot than just a girlfriend. think this was the first time and only time ive ever truly been in love and i think of her everyday. certain things such as places, songs, even the stupid things send images her into my mind and i think of the times we had, the things we did. her smile, the way she loved me etc.. and it kills knowing when i open my eyes, she isnt there. As said, 16 months on, I feel old, i feel tired, i feel alone and i wish i could just turn it off. I see myself at a crossroads looking both left and right, but thats it. no moving forward in any specific direction. just stood still as time goes by. people moving on with their lives, making advances in all aspects, but me and its sickening. Im 32 going on 50 and well, i aint getting any younger. to be honest i dont have that many friends. i lost most of my (so called) friends when we broke up but thats another story. So yeah its more than just 'hard' to deal with.

I know what the OP means when you say the thought of being with anyone else makes your stomach turn because i feel exactly the same. nobody can replace what you've lost and being with someone else to 'fill the void' is kinda selfish because you are in practice pretending to like someone for all the wrong reasons and only possibly causing more hurt to both you and the other person. i could not be with someone right now and cant see it happening for a long time if ever. being burnt once is enough for me to throw in the towel with relationships.

I wish i could give you an answer of how to get over this and make it right for you, but if i ever come across this answer i'll be sure to let you know the secret first. just so you know, your not the only one that has the same feelings. guess we think we're goin mad when we feel like the way we do when something tragic happens in our lives. wish u all the best

LegacyUser

I'm sorry to hear of your predicament and am in a very similar situation to dmchale. The reality as i've found out is that it doesn't get any better and time doesn't heal. I hope that doesn't sound blunt but from my experience, i'm no better than i was when we broke up, constantly thinking of her, memories, good times, regrets on where i slipped up, etc.

My girlfriend of 4 years broke up with me after a holiday over 10 months ago. I'm also 32 and know that i've lost the love of my life. I've tried to contact her and she doesn't want to know....i messed up with the usual desperation at the start and it appears to have made things worse. I can completely relate to people not wanting to jump in and get hurt again. I'm seeing someone at the moment who is lovely and im trying but i just know my heart isnt in it....i'm still in love with my ex. This girl is aware of what happened as well so i'm being open about it and taking it slowly, although she is a lovely girl, she's not my ex.

The worst for me was 'No Contact'.....i think this is the worst thing someone could do to you despite numerous people advising it and with no contact, you don't get any closure whatsoever. People need to have a proper discussion a few weeks after the breakup (even months) but i never got that opportunity. I still know where i went wrong and know that my ex wanted everything that i want a few months previously. The only problem was i didn't get a proper chance to explain. I was going to propose at Christmas, she knows all this but it's too late now, she wanted commitment even up til this time last year which i was always going to give her but dragged it out too long. I am a firm believer in hope and maybe stupidly think that anything can happen and she could come back. But as time goes on, it's increasingly unlikely.

I've lost a lot of my friends who in some cases ironically are still friendly with her. One best friend has even deserted me which i'll never forget and he and his girlfriend are in touch with her. One of the hardest parts of the breakup was having no one to talk to bar one friend who wasnt in the country and my family. She on the other hand has told my sister that it was the hardest thing she's ever had to do and obviously still cares about me, apart from her feelings not changing. IMO girls have far better support in these situations and i know my ex certainly did even though she would tend to be a fairly reserved person.

She was unfortunately a little impatient and has gone away with the view that i couldn't change or wouldn't change which isn't true but i am pretty sure that if she doesn't agree to meet me, i'll be no better this time next year!. Can honestly say,it's been the one girl (out of about 3 reasonably serious relationships) that i won't ever forget and i know she was the one for me.

CDfm

OP feelings do not run on a timetable and emotionally you may be stuck at the break up point doing stuff thats motivated about making you attractive to your X.

So moving on for you may be looking for another relationship.Your life seems terribly busy like thats the last thing on your to-do list.

Its just an observation and I may be well off the mark.

LegacyUser

8178:

You shouldn't be with a girl your not into, its not fair on her.

Why don't you break up with your current girlfriend and propose to your ex - if she says no - thats closure. I'd expect a guy to go to every effort, if he thought I was 'the one'. If he doesn't hes just not bothered! (You already know from her that she still likes you). Mind I also think these things are alot easier for guys.

No contact is a hell of a lot better than false hope, which is what I think is alot of the OP's problem.

I don't have the answer OP. I'm hoping I'm just going to snap out of it some day soon, just taking each day, one at a time.

I'm going to keep tuning in until someone who does have the answer lets us all know. Here's to more false hope

LegacyUser

I dunno either:

I wish it was that simple. I do agree with not leading a girl on which is why i told her...she preferred me being honest and realistically i will be ending it.But i've also got to face the harsh reality that my ex might never come back...she's incredibly stubborn with stuff like this and this has left me in a mess.

Maybe i phrased it wrongly but what i meant was she told my sister (by text) for me to get on with my life and that she couldnt contact me after the calls before christmas but wouldn't like to see any harm come to me. She was obviously worried but she did say that her feelings hadn't changed.

Re: proposing, i wanted it to have the usual spontaneity, etc. I had actually half planned for it to happen on holiday but work was so busy that i hadn't got my house in order, etc.
So when she did break off with me in Novemeber, i did propose as i wanted it but it was the worst possible moment as the damage had been done and too late. This is the girl who wanted this for the 12 months previous. She said i was the 'love of her life'.

But i have tried, emails, texts, phonecalls, letters and she pretty much has rejected most of it. No Contact may work once you get proper clarity on the situation once things have settled some time after that. But by not getting that is so much worse. Essentially, she hasn't got the guts to talk to me and i'm still pretty sure that she won't meet me again because she'd feel the connection and it'd start the whole grieving process again if it didnt work out for her. Not having any contact with her side is the worst of all, that way i don't get a chance to give my side of the story and let people see that i've changed for the better. It's the old cliche...'don't realise what you had til it's gone' and it doesn't get any easier. I'd love to go and lay everything on the table again but she has me blocked. She even blocked me from FB when i set up an account earlier on in the year.

I wish i had the answer. Is there any way i could make anymore effort? I didnt contact her family (even though they previously got on great with me!) but i'm afraid they may see a whole different me now.

OP. Speaking as a man, no matter what happened I'd still prefer if you contacted me if you had these feelings rather than the silence I've experienced with my ex.

LegacyUser

CDfm wrote: »

OP feelings do not run on a timetable and emotionally you may be stuck at the break up point doing stuff thats motivated about making you attractive to your X.

So moving on for you may be looking for another relationship.Your life seems terribly busy like thats the last thing on your to-do list.

Its just an observation and I may be well off the mark.

You're completely right CDfm, another relationship is the last thing on my list! In fact, I would go as far as to say I never, EVER want to go out with anyone again. The very idea practically gives me a panic attack. The things I'm doing are not to make me attractive to my ex (whom I haven't seen in a year), they're to keep me busy and sane and NOT thinking about him. I can see where your coming from with the whole 'another relationship' thing but I know myself that it is the last thing that would work. I'd be miserable and comparing him to my ex and the poor guy would never measure up. And aside from not being fair on some poor guy, it would only make me even more miserable. Another relationship might work for some people, but it doesn't work for everyone and I'm one of those people it's not going to work for. Trust me, I've been there before and I know myself well enough by now that being in another relationship when I'm in love with someone else is the most miserable feeling in the world. If my hearts not in it, then I just can't go there. And truth be told, I don't think I'd ever be able to again. I really loved my ex (and still do) and truly thought he was the one (something I'd never believed in until I met him) and the fact that I got it so wrong and got hurt so badly means I am too terrified to ever go there again incase it happened again. Getting over this breakup has wrecked me, I'd never have the strength to do it again (indeed, I'm rapidly running out of the strength to keep going now). What's wrong with me is I'm looking for a magic formula to completely forget my ex and there is none. All I can do is keep plugging away and hope that things get better.

8178, I'm sorry to hear you're going through such an equally s*** time. Worst feeling in the world isn't it? I've lost a parent and a friend and the pain of either of those deaths (madly enough) didn't compare with this. I would love to contact my ex but there would be no point. I'd only be contacting him out of the hope of getting back together and he doesn't want to be with me.

CDfm

half resigned, half hopeful wrote: »

You're completely right CDfm, another relationship is the last thing on my list! In fact, I would go as far as to say I never, EVER want to go out with anyone again. The very idea practically gives me a panic attack. The things I'm doing are not to make me attractive to my ex (whom I haven't seen in a year), they're to keep me busy and sane and NOT thinking about him..

But OP its not working.

You were/are in love and for whatever reason havent been able to switch that off. You also have your ex on a pretty high pedestal. You have been running yourself into the ground keeping up with your commitments and it is not working.

Have you talked to anyone about this. Would you consider going to your GP and saying to them " I know this sounds silly but this is what I have been going thru over the past year.Its like your head knows it but your heart hasn't gotten the message.

LegacyUser

half resigned, half hopeful wrote: »

I've lost a parent and a friend and the pain of either of those deaths (madly enough) didn't compare with this.

I'm so glad that someone else feels that way, I've felt that the break up was harder than when I lost a parent and I felt awful for feeling like that, like it was a betrayal or something. But it is harder because firstly, in a break up someone chooses to leave you so as well as the sadness and lonliness you have to deal with rejection and your confidence taking a bashing and secondly, you know that they are out there somewhere getting on with their life without you.

Unfortunately there isn't a magic cure for any of us. But I really think we are probably not giving ourselves credit for how far we've come. I know that I often feel I haven't moved on at all but really there's no comparision to how bad I was for the first few months. So hopefully that improvement will continue. I'm hoping that I'm moving on slowly, maybe without even realising.

LegacyUser

half resigned, half hopeful;

I can completely relate to what you've been going through....definitely have to agree with you on the death of a relative bit. Thankfully, I haven't had do deal with the death of a parent, but agree with 'know the feeling' mentioning it was harder than losing a loved one. I hate myself for feeling like this but i think breaking up with my ex has completely shattered me and i did view it as worse than a death. My own feeling/reasoning on this is that you can get closure on a death but not (sometimes forever) on a breakup. Loneliness is a big factor as well, we lived together for the last year, and now i have an empty apartment with some of her stuff still there...she won't let me give it back and i can't bring myself to dump it...meant too much!

Terrible experience that you just can't shake off. It's now got to the stage where friends and family say...just move on, get over it...but it's not easy. It's different for some people.

I know it's really tough for some people to try contacting their ex again probably because of the fear of rejection again.

I know my ex was at Michael Buble this weekend with my best friends wife and i'm not told a thing about it.....so the fact she's still hanging out with friends on my side, and those friends have effectively done very little IMO to try help salvage what we had and mention how i've changed, etc. - that's extremely tough.

I hope it gets better for you both but i have become extremely disillusioned with my situation. I'd love if the 'What's meant for you won't pass you by' saying was true, but i really think if it was, I'd have been saved almost a year's torture.

LegacyUser

CDfm wrote: »

But OP its not working.

You were/are in love and for whatever reason havent been able to switch that off. You also have your ex on a pretty high pedestal. You have been running yourself into the ground keeping up with your commitments and it is not working.

Have you talked to anyone about this. Would you consider going to your GP and saying to them " I know this sounds silly but this is what I have been going thru over the past year.Its like your head knows it but your heart hasn't gotten the message.

Oh do I ever know it's not working, hence all the lunatic ramblings here! :rolleyes: Problem is, my heart is still too broken to get the message. And yes, I've been to my GP who sent me for councelling (for five months!) and I'm back in councelling again! I feel like a sad desperate lunatic and I just want to get him out of my head. Been over a year since the break up; we were together 11 months and 2 weeks...why is it taking me longer to get over him than the duration of the relationship? I feel like I'm going demented! Back in December, I kept telling myself "it won't be this bad in a few months time but here I am nine months later and I'm still miserable despite my best efforts. I know I sound like a whiney cow but I'm just very, very tired of feeling like this and wish I had never met my ex. Life is so s*** right now even though I have so much; fantastic family, amazing friends and doing a college course I really, REALLY love...so why am I so miserable? I have so much to be grateful for, so why do I hate life so much? This is a horrible feeling and I never ever want to experience it again. I'm not trying to shoot down all your suggestions (which, thank you so much for btw), but I really have tried everything to get over my ex and here I am more than a year later, crying my heart out in bed every night and feeling like the pain in my chest might actually suffocate me! I'm just so, so desperate to get over my ex and I've run out of ideas.

8178, shattered is a good word to describe the feeling. I feel shattered too, worn down and broken. I'm exhausted from the misery and I go to bed every night hoping I'll fall asleep and never wake up. I'm normally a pretty, strong together person despite all the s**** life has thrown at me and suddenly, I've turned into this miserable wreck whose coming apart at the seams and doing her best to hide it from everyone in case they have me committed! I'm so irritated with myself and would really love to slap some sense into me if that were physically possible...I mean how pathetic do I sound right now?

Has anyone ever been in a similar situation and have they come through it? How long did it take? I really want to know because I seem to becoming a little more unhinged every day. I don't want to turn into a crazy lady, I like sanity!

Forever Hopeful

half resigned, no longer hopeful wrote: »

Oh do I ever know it's not working, hence all the lunatic ramblings here! :rolleyes: Problem is, my heart is still too broken to get the message. And yes, I've been to my GP who sent me for councelling (for five months!) and I'm back in councelling again! I feel like a sad desperate lunatic and I just want to get him out of my head. Been over a year since the break up; we were together 11 months and 2 weeks...why is it taking me longer to get over him than the duration of the relationship? I feel like I'm going demented! Back in December, I kept telling myself "it won't be this bad in a few months time but here I am nine months later and I'm still miserable despite my best efforts. I know I sound like a whiney cow but I'm just very, very tired of feeling like this and wish I had never met my ex. Life is so s*** right now even though I have so much; fantastic family, amazing friends and doing a college course I really, REALLY love...so why am I so miserable? I have so much to be grateful for, so why do I hate life so much? This is a horrible feeling and I never ever want to experience it again. I'm not trying to shoot down all your suggestions (which, thank you so much for btw), but I really have tried everything to get over my ex and here I am more than a year later, crying my heart out in bed every night and feeling like the pain in my chest might actually suffocate me! I'm just so, so desperate to get over my ex and I've run out of ideas.

8178, shattered is a good word to describe the feeling. I feel shattered too, worn down and broken. I'm exhausted from the misery and I go to bed every night hoping I'll fall asleep and never wake up. I'm normally a pretty, strong together person despite all the s**** life has thrown at me and suddenly, I've turned into this miserable wreck whose coming apart at the seams and doing her best to hide it from everyone in case they have me committed! I'm so irritated with myself and would really love to slap some sense into me if that were physically possible...I mean how pathetic do I sound right now?

Has anyone ever been in a similar situation and have they come through it? How long did it take? I really want to know because I seem to becoming a little more unhinged every day. I don't want to turn into a crazy lady, I like sanity!

There is no denying it, still being in love with someone who doesn't want to be with you is hell with the cover off. I have been in love with the same guy for, oh, I'd say coming on 7 years now. We were on and off for most of that time but now its finally over with the last year and I miss him every day. Some days are worse than others. We believed we were soulmates. He told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. He was badly hurt, long before me, and became fearful of getting close again. I loved his vulnerability and I loved the fact that he was so genuine. It was the most exhiliarating, heartbreaking experience of my life. I've never been as open about my feelings with anyone before and to continue to describe it would not do it justice. I hung in there. Foolishly believing that deep down he really wanted me as much as I him. If he knew how much I loved him, he wouldn't let that go. Finding someone who loves you for all of you is so hard to find and I was that person for him but I don't think he realised it or maybe he did and lost respect for me. Who knows. I'm not young either, I'm in my late 30s so when he told me that it was over, I was absolutely devastated. Surrounded by friends who were getting married and having babies and there I was losing the love of my life. We are not in contact now and boy do I have those days when I want to reach out but something stops me. I too feel like there is no way in hell I will ever feel that way about someone again, its just too painful. I sit up late at night, have to drag myself out of bed in the morning. I had to endure a lot of change this past year also, so when everything came together, I thought I was losing my mind. Some days I still believe I'm going to end up in a padded cell but I realise those days aren't as frequent as they were. It doesn't mean I am over him or I love him less, it just means I'm getting stronger. To everyone who is hurt, remember you are the remarkable human beings with huge hearts that deserve to be loved the way you have loved. Oh, I still wake up mornings like something has kicked me in the gut and many times I don't want to go to work but then I realise my life is passing me by. There are so many more people out there who's lives are destroyed by circumstances beyond their control and I'm sad because the man I want doesn't want me. There are remarkable stories of people who have endured hardship who have gone on to lead contented lives. Who is to say that can't also happen to us too? No one knows what is going to happen in the future and isn't it exciting knowing that anything is possible? What now gets me through the days is thinking positive. Its not easy, believe me but we are all the same, we always want what we can't have and doing your best to be the best version of yourself will change things for you. It has to because I believe it.

LegacyUser

Half resigned no longer hopeful:

It's a terrible state of affairs alright...i've recently questioned why the hell i made so many stupid mistakes, the signs were there and i should have acted on it on time, i.e. propose, etc as she wanted the whole deal and i did as well but my job took over my life. Then sometimes i say to myself it wasn't all me...she had her faults as well. She let things build up and then we'd have a row every month or 2 for the last few months when we moved in together. This i guess delayed it as well...as i just wanted us to have a good run. Other than this she was a fantastic kind girl who has changed dramatically in the last year and i feel this is due to friends and my 'desperation' actions pre-Christmas. You're not alone....i have been told that i've been acting in the exact same way to the point that family are fed up listening now!

I have never been as miserable as i have in the last year and what makes it worse is many (even most) of my friends ....the few that have stuck with me! are all settling down and there's me left when i was that potential person last year with everything lost now.

Forever Hopeful:
'If he knew how much I loved him, he wouldn't let that go. Finding someone who loves you for all of you is so hard to find and I was that person for him but I don't think he realised it or maybe he did and lost respect for me. Who knows. I'm not young either, I'm in my late 30s so when he told me that it was over, I was absolutely devastated. Surrounded by friends who were getting married and having babies and there I was losing the love of my life.'

I can completely relate to you here 'Forever Hopeful'.....i think in my case, my ex-girlfriend wouldn't have let go had she known how much i really loved her a few months before we broke up. She often thought i didn't really mean it and wasn't going to commit but she was wrong. And worse still two sets of newly married couples have had to spend a lot of their first year apart due to the economy, etc. but despite everyone saying how terrible it is, it's not a patch on what you or I are going through. We've both lost our soulmates and i certainly am still hopeful that i can turn it around but it's so unlikely unless a miracle in my case.


Has anyone ever successfully taken back their ex (particularly girls) where nearly a year had passed and it was deemed a bad breakup?

IrishEyes19

God, guys, this thread has completely depressed me, but its so informative and eye opening all the same. I actually have to believe you can fall in love with someone, they break up with you, you hurt, but eventually you will fall in love again, Im really banking on it. Considering that Ive been contemplating on contacting an old ex as well who left out of the blue, and deep down I know I shouldnt.

OP, dont know what to say. Maybe do get in contact if you feel you could have a chance. I wish I had the guts to do it. I think of him all the time and its been 8 months.

Ickle Magoo

Please keep replies on topic and helpful to the OP. If you have an issue you wish advice on then please post your own thread rather than hi-jacking this one.

Be aware that off-topic and unhelpful posting can earn you a ban from this forum.
Please take the time to read the forum rules in the charter and abide by them.

Many thanks.
Ickle

IrishEyes19

ooops sorry, Ickle Magoo. My bad there. Went off on a tangent I think.

@OP, I think people do regret breaking up, but it doesnt mean they will go back with that person, often they regret how they may have treated people and what they should have done in ending it properly than the way the did. But I think you need to move on from this ex, and start afresh. Hoping that someone regrets it, just keeps you in the past and therefore if you ever see them again, and if they're moved on, it will hurt more. Best of luck!!

I am a friend

Strangely enough it's actually mind over matter .

If you keep telling yourself 'i am not over him' then you never will. You need to tell yourself each day you are a little bit more over him than the day before. It works, trust me. The alternative is staying in limbo and never moving on

LegacyUser

I am a friend wrote: »

Strangely enough it's actually mind over matter .

If you keep telling yourself 'i am not over him' then you never will. You need to tell yourself each day you are a little bit more over him than the day before. It works, trust me. The alternative is staying in limbo and never moving on

I've been hearing the same thing from friends for the last year. If it were that bloody simple then I wouldn't be where I am now and saying things like this to me only makes me feel worse because then I'm thinking 'what's wrong with me that I can't pull out of this?' I have spent the last 13 months telling myself 'you will get over him, everything is going to be fine.' If it were as simple as all that then we'd never have depression and wouldn't need councelling. I am shattered, withered and no longer have the strength to keep telling myself this when clearly it's all bull**** because I'm not over him and am nowhere near over him. I have not sat on my ass for the last year wallowing; I've gone out and done things for myself, moved on with my life, got several months worth of councelling and spent a good deal of everyday telling myself I'll get over him and I'll be fine. None of those things made one iota of difference. I am not a pessimistic person by nature, nor am I one to sit around feeling sorry for myself thinking 'poor me, I have it so hard.' I try to always look on the bright side of life and tell myself that everything will work out for the best. I repeat, NOTHING has worked and I am not in this position because I want to be here. I don't know why I'm in this position and all I want is to move on. 13 months on and I'm still completely heartbroken and can feel the pain as fresh as if we broke up yesterday. I am at my breaking point and I'm just not able to keep going. I hate life. Really, REALLY hate it and I'm worn down by the misery that always seems to be present. I know people mean well but telling me I can get over my ex if I want to makes me want to scream at them! I WANT to get over my ex, who in their right f****** mind would want to feel like this?! I have done everything under the sun that I can think of to get over him and I'm exactly where I was thirteen months ago. I thought I would have made good progress by now; it's what got me through the last year by telling myself I'd be feeling much better in a few months time. I don't and I don't have the energy left to keep fooling myself. I am desperate. I'm not going to be able to keep going like this and its actually making me feel a million times worse that people think I'm still in this position because I want to be. Believe me, I don't.

I am a friend

resigned, no longer hopeful. wrote: »

I've been hearing the same thing from friends for the last year. If it were that bloody simple then I wouldn't be where I am now and saying things like this to me only makes me feel worse because then I'm thinking 'what's wrong with me that I can't pull out of this?' I have spent the last 13 months telling myself 'you will get over him, everything is going to be fine.' If it were as simple as all that then we'd never have depression and wouldn't need councelling. I am shattered, withered and no longer have the strength to keep telling myself this when clearly it's all bull**** because I'm not over him and am nowhere near over him. I have not sat on my ass for the last year wallowing; I've gone out and done things for myself, moved on with my life, got several months worth of councelling and spent a good deal of everyday telling myself I'll get over him and I'll be fine. None of those things made one iota of difference. I am not a pessimistic person by nature, nor am I one to sit around feeling sorry for myself thinking 'poor me, I have it so hard.' I try to always look on the bright side of life and tell myself that everything will work out for the best. I repeat, NOTHING has worked and I am not in this position because I want to be here. I don't know why I'm in this position and all I want is to move on. 13 months on and I'm still completely heartbroken and can feel the pain as fresh as if we broke up yesterday. I am at my breaking point and I'm just not able to keep going. I hate life. Really, REALLY hate it and I'm worn down by the misery that always seems to be present. I know people mean well but telling me I can get over my ex if I want to makes me want to scream at them! I WANT to get over my ex, who in their right f****** mind would want to feel like this?! I have done everything under the sun that I can think of to get over him and I'm exactly where I was thirteen months ago. I thought I would have made good progress by now; it's what got me through the last year by telling myself I'd be feeling much better in a few months time. I don't and I don't have the energy left to keep fooling myself. I am desperate. I'm not going to be able to keep going like this and its actually making me feel a million times worse that people think I'm still in this position because I want to be. Believe me, I don't.

Nice response when I was trying to help you from my experience... Its not bull cos that how I managed earlier this year. I lost my partner, home, dog and life and I chose not to wallow...

You sound like you are indulging yourself to be honest. So what are you missing about him? How do you know you are not over him? Do you miss him or being in a relationship? If its off 13 months how much do you actually remember about the relationship and him...

Dont know what you want to hear but your attitude to people trying to give you a kick in the butt is appalling. Wallow all you want (in your own mind) - its what worked for me..

LegacyUser

I am a friend wrote: »

Nice response when I was trying to help you from my experience... Its not bull cos that how I managed earlier this year. I lost my partner, home, dog and life and I chose not to wallow...

You sound like you are indulging yourself to be honest. So what are you missing about him? How do you know you are not over him? Do you miss him or being in a relationship? If its off 13 months how much do you actually remember about the relationship and him...

Dont know what you want to hear but your attitude to people trying to give you a kick in the butt is appalling. Wallow all you want (in your own mind) - its what worked for me..

I don't mean my response in a bad way and I'm sorry if you think I'm being ungrateful. I'm just trying to explain how frustrated I am with essentially being told that it's all in my head. If you read back over my earlier posts, you'll see that I've been told the same thing (albeit in different words) from other posters and I keep explaining that I've done all the tried and tested means of getting over a break up...I really truly have. And I'm not 'indulging' myself as you put it but it's sentiments like that and your previous post that have left me feeling like the most useless being in the world that have me responding so heatedly. I am grateful for people's advicee thanked them, I know everyone is trying to help but the problem is (as I've already said over and over), I've done all the usual things and none of them have worked. Please read over my previous posts and you'll see that. But I am completely miserable and on the verge of a nervous breakdown despite my best efforts and I'm desperately looking for a way out, hence why I posted. Telling me 'it's mind over matter' just made me feel like it's my fault that I feel this way and made me feel even worse. You have no idea how hard I have tried to forget this guy, or how badly I want him out of my head and my life back to normal. I am not 'wallowing' as you put it and truth be told, none of my friends or family know that I still feel this badly about the breakup. They know I'm still hurting but I've kept just how badly I am hurting from them so they won't worry. The only person I've truly opened up to is my councellor. I am out and living life everyday and keeping so busy that people who look at me think I have it all. Is that wallowing? I am glad 'mind over matter' worked for you and I am sorry to hear of your misfortune, but it hasn't worked for me.

And you asked me what I missed about my ex and the relationship? Whether I missed him or being in a relationship? The answer is I miss him. I miss his laugh, I miss his terrible jokes that could make a room cringe, his lousy dance moves (which used to mortify me when we went out and for which I would now give everything I own to see again) and his kind heart. I miss his smile, I miss his warm eyes and the way everyone automatically warmed to him because he was just such a good person. I miss the odd nuggets of humour that the two of us shared which everyone thought was half cracked and I miss the incredible person that he is along with a thousand other small things. Do I miss him or the relationship? I miss him, pure and simple. I've never been someone who needed to be in a relationship and I'm very content being single because I have a life full of fantastic friends and family. If you read over my previous posts, you will see that I've spent most of my life single and am quite happy about it. I genuinely don't need a relationship and that is not what I'm missing now. I miss my ex, end of story. What do I remember about him and the relationship? Everything; the good, the bad and the mundane. I get flashes of our time together at the most inoppertune moments and sometimes those memories are almost crippling. I keep myself hectically busy so that I don't think about him. I go to counselling to try and deal with my feelings and get over him. I spent time with my friends and family and do all the things I enjoy to remind myself that life is great. I've told myself everyday for the last 13 months that I will get over him. Has any of it worked? No.

I'm sorry if you felt I was being ungrateful for people's responses. I really wasn't but your comment of 'mind over matter' made me feel belittled and pathetic like some sad drama queen who wants to be miserable. As I've worked really hard to try and get over my ex without success and am posting here out of desperation, I took affront to your post. I hope you can understand why now.

I am a friend

I'm sorry if you felt I was being ungrateful for people's responses. I really wasn't but your comment of 'mind over matter' made me feel belittled and pathetic like some sad drama queen who wants to be miserable. As I've worked really hard to try and get over my ex without success and am posting here out of desperation, I took affront to your post. I hope you can understand why now.

---

response

hon with all due respect only you yourself can make yourself feel all of these things.....

Mind over matter to me means releasing and moving on. It's realising that he Is not the only man on thr planet with a great laugh and also realising that ultimately we were not suited cos if we were and if both of us knew we were suited then we would be together.

You are idealising him and at the end of the day he is only a man, not god, not superman and not the dalai lama. You will, if you allow yourself, meet the same or better again.

Ickle Magoo

Would you go back to your doctor and explain how you feel now, OP?

If the relationship was that great then it wouldn't have ended. You have to stop feeling that you miss him and all the good stuff and get angry. If you can't get angry at the things he did while you were going out then get angry that you aren't still together.

LegacyUser

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Would you go back to your doctor and explain how you feel now, OP?

If the relationship was that great then it wouldn't have ended. You have to stop feeling that you miss him and all the good stuff and get angry. If you can't get angry at the things he did while you were going out then get angry that you aren't still together.

Been to my doctor several times. She referred me to a councellor the first time around and prescribed antidepressents (which I ended up having to come off as they seriously agitated an existing stomach problem). Went back to her two months ago and she referred me for councelling again. And I have tried to get angry at him, I really, really have, (my councellor will testify to that) but I can't because at the end of the day, he's a really good guy who was incredibly good to me. Getting angry at the fact that we're not together only makes me mad at myself because I blame myself for the breakup. And as for letting him go, I am a friend, that's exactly what I'm trying to do (hence why I'm posting here). I am not idolising him (I know exactly what his faults were and where he could have made more of an effort in the relationship) nor am I romaticising the relationship as perfect because I know it wasn't...no relationship is. All I'm trying to point out is that I'm not missing the workings of a relationship, I just miss HIM. I swear, I didn't know it was possible to miss one human being this much and after the torture of this last year, I will never, EVER let myself fall for someone again because there is nothing in the whole wide world worth this. What I'm trying to do now is get over my ex and desperately looking for advice. If I weren't letting him go then why would I be posting here asking for advice on how to forget him? I am trying so hard to get over him and I think that's what's making things so much worse...the usual means aren't working and I am beyond desperate at this point because I miss him and think about him everyday. He's the first thing I think of every morning because I dream about him every night (and if someone knows how to stop that then please tell me because that's one of the worst things) and I get random flashes of our time together that just intrude in my memory at random moments of the day even when I'm not thinking about him and sometimes, they almost paralyse me. If it weren't so ludicrous and laughable, I'd say they were like PTSD flashes. And above all, I am so frustrated with myself that I am still here thirteen monts after the breakup, crying after him and posting like some sad desperate lunatic for advice on boards. I am sick of feeling like this and I often wish I could be in a car crash and get amnesia that makes me forget the last few years of my life because I hate the sadness and the misery and the fact that I still miss him so much. I'm worn out.

Do you know what? Thank you so much to everyone whose posted here offering advice and I'm sorry I've practically thrown it back in your faces by saying 'no, didn't work.' Maybe I should just forget it. At this stage, I don't even have the energy so what's the point?

Ickle Magoo

Does your doctor know you came of the medication? That could be one avenue to look down.

I really feel for you OP. I don't know who broke up with whom nor why but I think you can still muster anger, even that you're feeling like you do now. You seem to be turning the anger that should be directed at him and your relationship together on yourself, which really isn't healthy.

Dreaming of him, thinking of him all the time 13 months on does sound a bit obsessive - I hope you are going to the counselling and if you don't feel it's working, go to someone else until it is - consider different kinds of treatments such as hypnotherapy or CBT along side your counselling.

All the best

Wonkagirl

I couldnt ever imagine pining over someone who didnt want me.

Why waste the mental energy on someone that doesnt want you in their life?

easier said than done i know..

Forever Hopeful

OP, would you not consider contacting him? I know what I am suggesting is controversial but its been over a year. Maybe reach out and test the waters of friendship and you might find that he isn't as great as you thought he was. I too am guilty of putting the guy on a pedestal and my friends tell me he isn't a catch and to stop idolizing him. We've recently gotten in touch again and though I still love him, a lot of the reality of him has hit me again and it doesn't feel so bad. I don't know... I too wish there was a pill we could take but I think knowing we're not alone does help...even a little.

Wonkagirl

Forever Hopeful wrote: »

OP, would you not consider contacting him? I know what I am suggesting is controversial but its been over a year. Maybe reach out and test the waters of friendship and you might find that he isn't as great as you thought he was. I too am guilty of putting the guy on a pedestal and my friends tell me he isn't a catch and to stop idolizing him. We've recently gotten in touch again and though I still love him, a lot of the reality of him has hit me again and it doesn't feel so bad. I don't know... I too wish there was a pill we could take but I think knowing we're not alone does help...even a little.

+1, me too. I ran into my ex who i'd been crying over for 9 mths on saturday nite.. in my memory he was the most beautiful man on the planet, brad pitt wouldnt be a patch on him.. and caring, and loving, despite my friends telling me he was an immature shaper.

Ran into him on sat nite, he indeed is an immature shaper, and he's more brendan grace than brad pitt all told.

You definitely need closure, and while you may be afraid of getting it, it WILL help. I am eons ahead today of where i was a week ago. It still hurts, but i know now i have to move on.

Call him. you cant continue like this