Old flame, old burns

LegacyUser

Hi All,

a couple of years ago i dated a girl (for 2 years) who i was completely mad about but she broke up with me because "i wasn't good enough for her" (her words). She wasn't nasty about it but she did say that i wasn't going anywhere with my life, i wasn't fit enough and i wasn't the kind of guy she wanted to date anymore.... tbh i was devastated and it took me many months to get over it as it really knocked my confidence.

anyways, i eventually got over it and got on with my life. i now have a great job etc and i am this perfect guy that she described... not because of anything she said to me back then but because i grew up and became more sure of myself. i went to the gym alot, studied, got a better job and started a business with a friend.

fast forwards 2 years from then and i bump into this girl again (on a couple of occasions) and she really lays on the charm, kept going on about our past, basically threw herself at me and has asked me out. tbh this was a major ego boost for me in one sense but also it reminded me of the callous things she said back then. i just am not sure if i should give her a chance again, i am not the same guy from back when we first went out and maybe she has changed too....

my mates say i should just use her for the shoddy treatment she showed me back then but i would never do that to a girl.....

so confused right now and not sure what i should do.....

Ickle Magoo

She wasn't nasty about it? She said you weren't good enough for her and rather than discuss what about you was puting her off - she dumped you, all for completely superficial reasons...

So now you've put some work into your aesthetics and pay packet and suddenly you are good enough? Even though you as a person are the same that she wasn't interested in dating without a particular physique or adequate pay packet? I'd tell her to sling her hook, she's not good enough for you. Find someone who doesn't put so much stock in the superficial and you don't have to worry about dumping you when your hair goes grey or you start getting wrinkles.

Best of luck!

lizzie09

Walk...fast


You are and always were TOO good for her...the cheek of her!:)

metrovelvet

confusticatedOP wrote: »

Hi All,

a couple of years ago i dated a girl (for 2 years) who i was completely mad about but she broke up with me because "i wasn't good enough for her" (her words). She wasn't nasty about it but she did say that i wasn't going anywhere with my life, i wasn't fit enough and i wasn't the kind of guy she wanted to date anymore.... tbh i was devastated and it took me many months to get over it as it really knocked my confidence.

anyways, i eventually got over it and got on with my life. i now have a great job etc and i am this perfect guy that she described... not because of anything she said to me back then but because i grew up and became more sure of myself. i went to the gym alot, studied, got a better job and started a business with a friend.

fast forwards 2 years from then and i bump into this girl again (on a couple of occasions) and she really lays on the charm, kept going on about our past, basically threw herself at me and has asked me out. tbh this was a major ego boost for me in one sense but also it reminded me of the callous things she said back then. i just am not sure if i should give her a chance again, i am not the same guy from back when we first went out and maybe she has changed too....

my mates say i should just use her for the shoddy treatment she showed me back then but i would never do that to a girl.....

so confused right now and not sure what i should do.....

Dont use her for shoddy treatment. Dont use anyone. That makes you less of what you are and less than what you were. Maybe she has changed, maybe she hasnt.

But why are you still interested/

darad

I think she might be looking for a meal ticket and youre it. No surprise she is still single!! Don't let her back into your life.

AnnyHallsal

Run away. She really sounds like a horrid person. There are plenty of nice girls going spare!

ManOfMystery

confusticatedOP wrote: »

Hi All,

a couple of years ago i dated a girl (for 2 years) who i was completely mad about but she broke up with me because "i wasn't good enough for her" (her words). She wasn't nasty about it but she did say that i wasn't going anywhere with my life, i wasn't fit enough and i wasn't the kind of guy she wanted to date anymore.... tbh i was devastated and it took me many months to get over it as it really knocked my confidence.

anyways, i eventually got over it and got on with my life. i now have a great job etc and i am this perfect guy that she described... not because of anything she said to me back then but because i grew up and became more sure of myself. i went to the gym alot, studied, got a better job and started a business with a friend.

fast forwards 2 years from then and i bump into this girl again (on a couple of occasions) and she really lays on the charm, kept going on about our past, basically threw herself at me and has asked me out. tbh this was a major ego boost for me in one sense but also it reminded me of the callous things she said back then. i just am not sure if i should give her a chance again, i am not the same guy from back when we first went out and maybe she has changed too....

my mates say i should just use her for the shoddy treatment she showed me back then but i would never do that to a girl.....

so confused right now and not sure what i should do.....

Avoid like the plague.

What happens if (touch wood) you lost your job?

What if you suddenly had less time for the gymn and gained weight again?

She's a very shallow, superficial person who only seems interested in how you look to everyone else. People like this don't stick with you through the bad times.

It's a big world out there and there are thousands of other nice women, go out and enjoy yourself and leaves your exes as they are.

LegacyUser

I don't know... For the record here, my ex dumped me. I loved him with all my heart and was devastated beyond belief when he broke up with me. But now I can see that he was a complete waster. By his late 20's, he'd never had a job more serious than a bartender. He moved from job to job and refused promotions to manager because he didn't want the extra work. He went back to college as a mature student and moved back into his parents house. He refuses to get a job now and supports himself through a mixture of his parents' generosity, the dole and grants. He's constantly bumming money and I paid for nearly everything when we were together. He failed two out of two exams because he went out drinking the nights before. He's nearly 30.

I'm studying towards being a highly skilled professional and ambition and motivation are very important to me. If he hadn't broken up with me, I'd have finished it with him because I couldn't cope with someone who was so work-shy and unmotivated. Those fundamental things made us completely incompatible. But I'll never stop hoping that he'll change. He broke up with me out of immaturity, pure and simple. If I met him in 2 years time and he'd moved out of home, gotten a job and basically grown up, then yeah, I'd be very very keen to get back with him. Like I said, I loved him with all my heart but our opposing views on motivation and ambition meant we'd never have survived as a couple. If that changed and was no longer an issue, then we'd have a shot at a truly fantastic relationship.

OP it's great that you've grown up and gotten your life on track. But would that have happened if your ex didn't give you the kick up the arse you needed by breaking up with you? Maybe she was harsh to you, but she was being true to herself. Many things cause a relationship to end. If those issues are fixed, then there's no reason why the relationship wouldn't stand a good chance of surviving next time.

To posters like ManOfMystery, I don't think it was issues like being unemployed or gaining weight that were the problem. It sounds like perhaps the OP just spent a lot of time slobbing on the couch or drinking with mates etc. He basically needed to grow up. Which he has done. Presumably if he found himself out of work now, he'd spend his time trying to find new employment rather than just hanging around doing nothing.

I don't think your ex was as superficial and horrid as other posters have suggested. I think she probably fell out of love with you as she realised life had gone in such a way that you were now completely incompatible. Would you have rathered that she stay with you and nag you every day about getting a job and going to the gym? Or that she be honest but break your heart by breaking up with you, but started you off on the right track?

FWIW, when my ex broke up with me, it made me realise I had a few issues that I'd never acknowledged. It made me sort myself out and now I'm a better person than I was when I was with him.

It's up to you what you do, but I don't think you should dismiss her immediately because she hurt you a few years ago.

TitoPuente

Stay well away from her unless you want to be miserable.

LegacyUser

opposite_opinion wrote: »

It sounds like perhaps the OP just spent a lot of time slobbing on the couch or drinking with mates etc. He basically needed to grow up. Which he has done. Presumably if he found himself out of work now, he'd spend his time trying to find new employment rather than just hanging around doing nothing.

I never spent my time "slobbing on the couch", I just wasn't rugby player fit and my last job was a good one but it lacked the prestige of my current one (in hers and others eyes).

Anyways, it wasn't her breaking up with me that made me re-evaluate my life but other factors (that I won't mention on boards).

LegacyUser

opposite_opinion wrote: »

I don't know... For the record here, my ex dumped me. I loved him with all my heart and was devastated beyond belief when he broke up with me. But now I can see that he was a complete waster. By his late 20's, he'd never had a job more serious than a bartender. He moved from job to job and refused promotions to manager because he didn't want the extra work. He went back to college as a mature student and moved back into his parents house. He refuses to get a job now and supports himself through a mixture of his parents' generosity, the dole and grants. He's constantly bumming money and I paid for nearly everything when we were together. He failed two out of two exams because he went out drinking the nights before. He's nearly 30.

I'm studying towards being a highly skilled professional and ambition and motivation are very important to me. If he hadn't broken up with me, I'd have finished it with him because I couldn't cope with someone who was so work-shy and unmotivated. Those fundamental things made us completely incompatible. But I'll never stop hoping that he'll change. He broke up with me out of immaturity, pure and simple. If I met him in 2 years time and he'd moved out of home, gotten a job and basically grown up, then yeah, I'd be very very keen to get back with him. Like I said, I loved him with all my heart but our opposing views on motivation and ambition meant we'd never have survived as a couple. If that changed and was no longer an issue, then we'd have a shot at a truly fantastic relationship.

OP it's great that you've grown up and gotten your life on track. But would that have happened if your ex didn't give you the kick up the arse you needed by breaking up with you? Maybe she was harsh to you, but she was being true to herself. Many things cause a relationship to end. If those issues are fixed, then there's no reason why the relationship wouldn't stand a good chance of surviving next time.

To posters like ManOfMystery, I don't think it was issues like being unemployed or gaining weight that were the problem. It sounds like perhaps the OP just spent a lot of time slobbing on the couch or drinking with mates etc. He basically needed to grow up. Which he has done. Presumably if he found himself out of work now, he'd spend his time trying to find new employment rather than just hanging around doing nothing.

I don't think your ex was as superficial and horrid as other posters have suggested. I think she probably fell out of love with you as she realised life had gone in such a way that you were now completely incompatible. Would you have rathered that she stay with you and nag you every day about getting a job and going to the gym? Or that she be honest but break your heart by breaking up with you, but started you off on the right track?

FWIW, when my ex broke up with me, it made me realise I had a few issues that I'd never acknowledged. It made me sort myself out and now I'm a better person than I was when I was with him.

It's up to you what you do, but I don't think you should dismiss her immediately because she hurt you a few years ago.

I was going to say something along these lines too.
I agree with the OP, she wasn't nasty, she was just honest in a way most people never are. Laziness and lack of ambition are not superficial traits, and in a long term relationship they will have a massive impact on both parties quality of life. You've changed but honestly could you have changed that much while remaining in the relationship?

As for getting back with her. I wouldn't. What she said hurt you then and still hurts you when you see her. That's clear from your post. You haven't forgiven her for what she said, and you haven't forgotten it either. If you can get passed that, and it'll probably require actually sitting down and talking about it a few times, then it could work. She's probably changed too, is she still someone you want to date anyway?

Getting back with her to screw her over is just childish and immature. It puts you well below her level and it'll make you feel completely ****ty about yourself. Is the guy who does that really the sort of person you want to be?

rustynutz

Its simple....Next time she tries it on with you sit her down and explain to her that now you are going somewhere in life you don't think she is good enough for you! LOL love to see her face

Wagon

ConfusticatedOP wrote: »

I never spent my time "slobbing on the couch", I just wasn't rugby player fit and my last job was a good one but it lacked the prestige of my current one (in hers and others eyes).

So you wearn't that lazy then. You were fit but not fit enough. Your job was good but wasn't good enough...

She isn't a nice person mate. Hate to break it to you. If you get back with her she will more than likely try and change you down the line again.