A very complicated situation...

endpoint

Just wondering for people's thoughts on the following situation...

A few weeks ago, I kissed a friend who I have known for ages and have also known that he has had feelings for me for a while. The problem is that he was previously casually seeing a friend of mine and she still likes him even though they never actually dated.

He is aware of this but has told her that he's not interested in a relationship, and has asked me out for dinner. I don't think that it is appropriate for me to go given the fact that I know my friend wants to be with him, and am torn between allegiance to my friend and wanting to see where it could do with this guy...

Squiggler

endpoint wrote: »

Just wondering for people's thoughts on the following situation...

A few weeks ago, I kissed a friend who I have known for ages and have also known that he has had feelings for me for a while. The problem is that he was previously casually seeing a friend of mine and she still likes him even though they never actually dated.

He is aware of this but has told her that he's not interested in a relationship, and has asked me out for dinner. I don't think that it is appropriate for me to go given the fact that I know my friend wants to be with him, and am torn between allegiance to my friend and wanting to see where it could do with this guy...

Ouch, never a nice situation to be in. How long ago did he tell your friend he wasn't interested in a relationship, and how long is it since they didn't date?

How serious are you about this guy? Do you think he would be worth potentially losing a friend over?

You need to balance out your friend's feelings and your feelings for your friend and this guy. Is it worth losing her over a fling, probably not? If you tell him that you need to take things slowly for her sake will he hang around? (if not he's not worth it).

Dinner can just be dinner and it might give you and the guy a chance to talk it over. But it is likely that he let your friend down gently but allowed her to continue to have hope, instead of making it clear to her that he wasn't interested in a relationship with her. Until he does that, and she gets over her disappointment, things are going to be tricky.

endpoint

obviously, I know it shouldn't have happened in the first place as I knew about the history there, and even though I knew that he had feelings for me I never even considered whether I had any for him on the basis that it was a no go area. I'm not really sure what happened that made me disregard my previous reasoning but sometimes I think that things just happen.

It's been about 3/4 months since he told her he wasn't interested but I think they may have been together once of twice since that happened. To be fair to him he always stressed the fact that he wasn't looking for a relationship.

I really don't know if I am serious about him at all as it wasn't something that had crossed my mind and I guess that without seeing him again I can't make that decision which is obviously where the problem arises.

I have told him that I don't think it's a good idea as I am trying to put myself in my friends shoes and seeing things from her perspective.

I suppose I kind of know what the answer should be, but it is difficult to write off something with someone who you have an attraction to.

LegacyUser

i would not go on the date with a guy that my friend has a history with and still fond of.

does the girl clearly know that there is no hope between herself and the guy?

wait for a little while more until the girl finds herself another target. maybe you can help a bit here?

there are always guys out there. stay away for a while til the air is clear.

Squiggler

I don't think you have done anything wrong. He shouldn't be stringing your friend along, and by asking you out he has put you in an awkward position.

I've been there, a few times, and I don't think there is a one-size-fits-all solution. Only you can figure out how best to deal with this. Take your time and don't rush into anything, or hastily rule anything out either.

princeofparma

I don't think that it is appropriate for me to go given the fact that I know my friend wants to be with him, and am torn between allegiance to my friend and wanting to see where it could do with this guy...

There's an old saying - All is fair is love and war.
If you like this guy and he is into you in the same way, it shouldn't matter what your friend thinks. It is up to her to fight her corner.
There is no nice way out of rivalry over a man.
It is pretty clear that he can't have both of you and it seems like he has chosen you over your friend.
Your friend should be able to understand that you are now his girlfriend and not her.
She can always find someone else too.
You would have to do the very same if you were in her shoes.
If you decide not to see him because you don't want to upset your friend, you might miss out on something you might always regret never going after.
What good would it be if both of you decided to give him up for the sake of each other and he was snapped up by another girl neither of you know?
You both might have a falling out over him anyway?
In this situation, if you really like this man, you friend will just have to like it I'm afraid.

Lorrs33

If you put yourself in your friend's shoes, then you'll see that you're probably doing your friend a favour by going out with this guy. If you give up on him, then she's just going to continue wanting him until he's got someone else. At least now, she can accept that he has moved on and so she can move on sooner rather than months from now.