Affair turns into real love

LegacyUser

Ok try to keep this short

Married very young (21) Kids now in their late teens,the usual house,car,pets wife not working but will be soon,were both in our early 40s

My relationship with my wife has been very rocky for the last 5 years,sex life non-existent
no real communication,basically grew apart we're more like brother and sister,but i cant fault her as a mother or wife and basically she built up a beautiful house,while i was working

So last year i met a woman i know through work (single with two kids)same age as myself and ended up having a passionate affair,because my work takes me away from home alot,i began to see this woman every week for a couple of days,infact we even had two holidays together,its even got to the point that i have met her entire family and friends (i live in dublin,she lives in a small country town)and am first name terms with her neighbours

We have falling Head over heals in love with each other,we feel we are soulmates,we think and act the same,we are totally relaxed in each others company and both us feel empty when we are not together

So back to my suffering innocent wife,she had started to realise something was up months ago and noticed something was up and in a drunken argument asked me did i love her? i said" i dont think i do anymore",the next day she tried to take her own life(i wont go into what she did) it shocked and saddened me that i drove a woman to do what she did,but at the same time i resented her more for doing it,anyhow after some counselling shes seems fine now

Fast forward to now im still seeing this woman more and more even to the fact that i see her more than i see my own family,its also getting to the point where anytime my wife has a glass or two of wine she starts on about me seeing someone else and im not silly type of remarks,thing is i want to tell her ,feel shes entitled to know and both of us can get on with the rest of our lives(she can have the house,car and i will also pay her whatever she needs)

What im afraid of is that she might do some harm to herself again, and i find this very hard to deal with as it feels like some kind of emotional blackmail,if i do tell her the truth(even though i know she knows but wont admit it to her self)

Edit:The other woman knows everything about me and knows from the start and has put no pressure on me to end my relationship with my wife,infact she says shes willing to wait for as long as it takes and maybe better when he kids grow older and before anyone mentions it were not still going through a honeymoon lust type period,this is pure and simple love,we just clicked from the word go

Thanks for taking the time to read this

coolcat63

The longer this situation goes on the worse it will get, for your wife, your children (who you hardly mention), your lover, her children and you - although as the author of the whole mess you are going to have to live with the guilt.

If your marriage is dead then have the balls to give it a decent burial. Talk to your wife and children, manage the split as well as you can, be very generous when it comes to the finances and accept whatever fallout occurs with grace and humility.

Oryx

Id suggest going to couples counselling with your wife, in order to have a safe space to discuss the ending of your relationship. Given your wifes fragility, I dont think its something you can do just between the two of you.

But definitely make moves to sort out this horrible situation, its not fair on either of the women involved.

Distorted

Its you who has let it get to this stage and your'e going to end up making someone unhappy. I'm not surprised your marriage hit the doldrums if you spent hardly any time with the poor woman! And it was also your decision to get married at 21. The other woman is also in the wrong for knowingly getting involved with a married man, but I guess since she wasn't attached and had two kids, she had nothing to lose. Just be aware the grass isn't always greener and if you do hit the reality of making a future with the other woman, theres no guarantee you won't feel this way again. At the moment you sound infatuated with her and probably won't see if she has any faults. Your wife has behaved the best out of all 3 of you and sounds a very genuine woman who doesn't deserve this. The best you can do is now to behave as decently as possible but I echo that you should give marriage counselling a go first as it sounds like you have put very little effort into your marriage and wife, and she's the only one of the three of you who actually deserves it! At the very least, it will give the poor woman a chance to discuss her feelings about it all in front of a neutral third party and at least help her deal with it (I also suspect once she sees you for what you really are, she might feel a bit better too).

Sometimes you see your partner in an idealised light because you don't know the truth about them. I was once in a ltr with a guy who became very flaky and complained about me all the time. I was so upset when he didn't even give me a birthday card then one day I saw that he had left a flirty birthday message on the Facebook wall of a 16 years younger woman, and she had tactfully pointed this out to him (she was so not interested). And suddenly I saw him for what he really was, I no longer felt upset and got rid of him asap - he still contacts me now, pleading to get back in touch! So what I'm saying is that by lieing to your wife, you are preventing her seeing the real you and if she did, once she got over the initial upset, she might not feel suicidal any more.

jessiejam

If your poor long suffering wife did what she did when you told her that you no longer loved her, I'm thinking leaving her will probably do the same.

Just so you know I have absolutely nothing to say about your sordid little affair. If i did start it would no doubt lead to another long ban from boards.

Your wife and your kids (just in case you forgot about their feelings in all of this) will be hurt big time. Basically its your fault they will be hurt. You are going to have to step up be a man and deal with the aftermath.

Its the least you owe her after what you've been doing
At lease you can now set her free to meet someone faithful and decent, who may show her some sort of respect.

LegacyUser

Just follow your heart pal

darad

If you dont love your wife you know what you have to do.

Milkmaid

If you tell your wife you will destroy your whole family. You should go to counselling with your wife. Go with her and in front of counsellor tell your wife you are not happy. Tell her what has to change to improve your marriage.

I was in your wife's shoes and my ex destroyed his whole family. He moved in with his GF and after a year she decided she didn't like the pressure of being a step parent and my Ex found her children unbearable to live with. He lost the respect of our kids and by his own admission screwed his whole life up.
They had a little bubble when they had their affair and the reality of bills (hefty maintenance) and dealing with kids (who just aren't as cute when they don't have your DNA) caught up with them.

I knew he had a GF and wanted him to go to counselling with me. Your wife is with you a long time and maybe if you tried to be more attentive outside the bedroom the mood in there would perk up.....not being harsh but YOU need to look hard at yourself before you say "sex is non-existent"...
It is very easy to get turned on and fall in love with a new fresh woman but will she stick with you for thick and thin? Will she love you forever? Your wife and you have a long long history and somewhere in there is REAL love....the bread and butter kind so do not throw it away..for a fantasy that more than likely will not last.

TheBlock

The longer you stay in a loveless relationship the more damage you will do to all involved. You need to man up a little and tell your wife and teenage kids were things stand. Plus one on the advice from a previous poster regarding ensuring your wife and kids future is financially as sound as possible. If you want to start again with a new lady you should start again from almost scratch and ensure that things are as smooth as possible for your family.

CDfm

I kind of disagree here.

Your marriage became unhappy and the sex became non existant and that was not all your fault.

Financially, you have a lot to loose with any break up and you are not responsible for your wife's mental health or suicide attempt totally on your own. One poster mentioned maintenance etc.

Check out this thread.

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2055694680

IrishEyes19

CDfm wrote: »

I kind of disagree here.

Your marriage became unhappy and the sex became non existant and that was not all your fault.

Financially, you have a lot to loose with any break up and you are not responsible for your wife's mental health or suicide attempt totally on your own. One poster mentioned maintenance etc.

Check out this thread.

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?

t=2055694680

@ CDfm, how is he not responsible for her suffering, he had an affair with another woman behind her back, he wasn't at home much which he admits himself, and when his wife became suspicious and asked him if he loved her, he told her no....and still never admitted the affair. This woman's life has been turned upside down. Fair enough if he admitted he didnt love her anymore, it happens, but having an affair.

OP, you don't sound like a terrible person, but its a terrible thing to do, I have to be honest and your family, especially your kids are going have to live with the consequences too. It's easier for the woman you are having the affair with, as you said, she's single and you've met her family, she isn't breaking anyones heart. I think you should do the right thing, and take care of your own family right now. Sort out your differences, see a councillor and see where you can go from there, be it seperation or divorce. But your wife deserves honesty.

CDfm

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

@ CDfm, how is he not responsible for her suffering, he had an affair with another woman behind her back, he wasn't at home much which he admits himself, and when his wife became suspicious and asked him if he loved her, he told her no....and still never admitted the affair. This woman's life has been turned upside down. Fair enough if he admitted he didnt love her anymore, it happens, but having an affair.

I went out on a limb here but no he did not cause his wifes suicide attempt it is something she did herself. He has become a good provider and the physical relationship is non existant.

I am being realistic here that he should look out for his own interests too.

Ickle Magoo

I think you have to end your marriage or not only will the guilt of messing with two peoples head and heart get to you - but it's only a matter of time before the kids work out what is going on and blame you for tearing their family apart, mucking their mother about and hurting her and them - presumably if you are spending more time with your affair than your family, your kids are suffering too. Stringing them along while keeping your girlfriend on the side may leave you better off financially but it could irreparably damage your relationship with your children.

As unpleasant as divorce is, at least you will be able to live your life as you see fit and be happy and your wife can come to terms with the end of the relationship which I think in some ways may be easier than constantly having your husbands affair thrown in your face. I think you will regret not going down that route sooner rather than later.

Best of luck

Chinafoot

CDfm wrote: »

I went out on a limb here but no he did not cause his wifes suicide attempt it is something she did herself.

Well it sounds like the lack of a loving relationship on both thier parts is a huge factor in it. She's most likely depressed and in need of some help. Is it all his fault? No. Does he have a part to play? Absolutely.

CDfm wrote: »

He has become a good provider and the physical relationship is non existant.

And there it is. He pays the bills but she's not giving it up so he's now entitled to have an affair? Funny how her suicide attempt is all her and nothing to do with him yet his affair is her fault. He had the option to speak to his wife before this affair started....2 holidays and first name basis with her neighbours?! It takes a lot to get to that point while his wife is at home with his children. The fact that their sex life had stalled does not mean its perfectly acceptable for him to go off and have an affair. He should have ended his marriage and saved his wife the betrayal that she will now have to deal with.

CDfm wrote: »

I am being realistic here that he should look out for his own interests too.

He should look out for the interests of his family. He has barely mentioned his children in this. Thats who he should be considering now since he clearly hasn't given a toss before this.

OP, tell your wife and end your marriage. What else do you expect to happen here? You don't love her anymore, she is aware on some level of your betrayal and your continued, albeit slight, presence in her home is hardly going to help her state of mind.

I'd echo the others who suggested the counselling. Let this woman get on with the rest of her life without you in it.

CDfm

Chinafoot wrote: »

Well it sounds like the lack of a loving relationship on both thier parts is a huge factor in it. She's most likely depressed and in need of some help. Is it all his fault? No. Does he have a part to play? Absolutely.

But so does she

And there it is. He pays the bills but she's not giving it up so he's now entitled to have an affair? Funny how her suicide attempt is all her and nothing to do with him yet his affair is her fault.

She had no knowledge of the affair.

I am not justifying his affair. What I am saying is that she had other options to suicide.

He had the option to speak to his wife before this affair started....2 holidays and first name basis with her neighbours?! It takes a lot to get to that point while his wife is at home with his children. The fact that their sex life had stalled does not mean its perfectly acceptable for him to go off and have an affair. He should have ended his marriage and saved his wife the betrayal that she will now have to deal with.

I think no sex life for 5 years is a major issue here.

There is a lot that the OP did not post. He said that the suicide attempt arose from a drunken argument. What else, drink issues , depression ??

He should look out for the interests of his family. He has barely mentioned his children in this. Thats who he should be considering now since he clearly hasn't given a toss before this.

OP, tell your wife and end your marriage. What else do you expect to happen here? You don't love her anymore, she is aware on some level of your betrayal and your continued, albeit slight, presence in her home is hardly going to help her state of mind.


I'd echo the others who suggested the counselling. Let this woman get on with the rest of her life without you in it.

I have never suggested that the guy should leave the marriage.

I also think that after a suicide attempt , which was precipitated by a drunken argument, it may not go well for her in the Family Law Courts as lots of couples argue but not many make suicide attempts.

As it happens I think the OP is having a bit of a midlife crisis and I do not think he should act hastily. He says he married hastilly and has had a relationship fall apart. Pattern anyone.

JJJJNR

She should be delighted he's moving out ! he admitted never seeing his own family win win situation for her, someone should sit her down and pop open a bottle of champagne OP has she no friends.?

StillWaters

You are being so incredibly unfair to both these women. You are gaslighting your wife - google it.

She suspects an affair, and has asked you outright, but you deny it. Thereby she doubts her own intuitiion and sanity and is living in turmoil.

"she starts on about me seeing someone else and im not silly type of remarks,thing is i want to tell her "

You are a coward.

IrishEyes19

JJJJNR wrote: »

She should be delighted he's moving out ! he admitted never seeing his own family win win situation for her, someone should sit her down and pop open a bottle of champagne OP has she no friends.?

Is that a joke? This woman has been married to the OP since she was 21, raised a family with him, and despite the fact that he's been away with work and not been around as much as he should have, her whole life is after crashing down. I mean someone who gets married at 21 wouldnt have had the life experiences or chance to do as much as other who wait till their older, and I mean this for both the OP and his wife, not just his wife, but christ above. This isn't something to celebrate. Breaking up regardless is terrible. Knowing that something isn't right is even worse.

Whynotme

Once again I have to agree with CDfm. Yes op is having an affair but he didn't cause his wife to attempt suicide. That was her choice. However wrong/right for her and the family. As op hasn't thought of family nor did his wife.

OP tell your wife marraige is over. As someone who was in the same position, to know is to know you are not mad. Not dreaming. Not over-reacting. That in itself will help her. She doesn't know at this point what the hell is happening but that something is seriously wrong. Put her out of her misery. Put yourself out of your misery.

I would suggest that you end BOTH relationships for now. Separate from your wife. Sort that out. Take time out for YOU. Then and only then, when all is sorted, decide if this other woman is for you. If you leave your wife (and children) for this other woman, then you are guaranteed your children will NEVER accept her. If you walk away now from both and then decide in the future that the 'other woman' is for you, then you do have some hope of it working for you.

A marraige break up is never easy, don't make it harder on yourself.

IrishEyes19

Whynotme wrote: »

Once again I have to agree with CDfm. Yes op is having an affair but he didn't cause his wife to attempt suicide. That was her choice. However wrong/right for her and the family. As op hasn't thought of family nor did his wife.

OP tell your wife marraige is over. As someone who was in the same position, to know is to know you are not mad. Not dreaming. Not over-reacting. That in itself will help her. She doesn't know at this point what the hell is happening but that something is seriously wrong. Put her out of her misery. Put yourself out of your misery.

I would suggest that you end BOTH relationships for now. Separate from your wife. Sort that out. Take time out for YOU. Then and only then, when all is sorted, decide if this other woman is for you. If you leave your wife (and children) for this other woman, then you are guaranteed your children will NEVER accept her. If you walk away now from both and then decide in the future that the 'other woman' is for you, then you do have some hope of it working for you.

A marraige break up is never easy, don't make it harder on yourself.

I agree mostly with this too. Both relationships should end, considering that this woman was aware of the affair means she cares nothing about the OP's wife or his family. I think however, the OP yes should sort out his himself, but his kids are going to need some reasonable shoulder to cry on when this comes to head and if his wife isn't emotionally capable of being there for them, he owes it to his kids to be there for them. If you ask me, they are also one of the real losers in this situation.

All in all this is terribly sad to be honest. And an awful situation to be in.

CDfm

I think people are forgetting that at the prospect of her marriage ending the OP's wife attempted suicide. Maybe, just maybe, she would not be able to handle the seperation/divorce.

One option for the OP is to put the affair on hold and deal with the lady's health first and his family. I mean a suicide attempt is a big thing and like it or not the same situation repeated could cause a repeat.

There are also children and young adults to consider. Who is going to mind them.

So one option OP is to defer the decision for now and take time to sort out family. There is no urgent need to do anything now.

OP have you considered going to a counsellor for yourself and teasing the issues out.

As for the neighbours etc at your girlfriends place I think you paint a rosy picture about soulmates ,and maybe you are, but the mundane realities will include access, maintenance and accomadation and the whole blended family thing. That would be far from the rural idyll that you are describing and involve her ex partner and your wife.

Sorry if this is a bit like Devils Advocate but sometimes you need to look at the hard options too.

King of Kings

you are responsible for your own happiness if you love the other woman then act on it.
If you want to save your marriage then act on that.

Your wife's reaction to you leaving/staying if not your responsibility - are you going to do nothing with your life cos your wife will react badly?

I'm not making light of a suicide attempt but she is responsible for herself and you for yourself.
It was her choice to attempt suicide not yours.

IrishEyes19

King of Kings wrote: »

you are responsible for your own happiness if you love the other woman then act on it.
If you want to save your marriage then act on that.

Your wife's reaction to you leaving/staying if not your responsibility - are you going to do nothing with your life cos your wife will react badly?

I'm not making light of a suicide attempt but she is responsible for herself and you for yourself.
It was her choice to attempt suicide not yours.

I think perhaps people are losing sight of what's at stake here...the OP has children, fair enough if you feel his wife has to accept the marriage is over, but why should his kids suffer for his cheating. I don't think leaving and acting on his "love" for this other woman is priority right now. Whether or not people feel this man derserves to be happy with another woman, his current family and especially his kids deserve some stability in their lives right now and his wife deserves the truth.

And sorry but what he did was wrong, if he had told his wife he didnt feel things were working out and seperated and met this woman, fair enough. But he cheated, on his wife and his children. Its very easy for the single mother to sit back and say she can wait for him. She doesn't have a partner at home or kids wondering where dad is. It's tragic to be honest.

King of Kings

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

I think perhaps people are losing sight of what's at stake here...the OP has children, fair enough if you feel his wife has to accept the marriage is over, but why should his kids suffer for his cheating. I don't think leaving and acting on his "love" for this other woman is priority right now. Whether or not people feel this man derserves to be happy with another woman, his current family and especially his kids deserve some stability in their lives right now and his wife deserves the truth.

And sorry but what he did was wrong, if he had told his wife he didnt feel things were working out and seperated and met this woman, fair enough. But he cheated, on his wife and his children. Its very easy for the single mother to sit back and say she can wait for him. She doesn't have a partner at home or kids wondering where dad is. It's tragic to be honest.

true it's tragic and by no means have I forgotten the children but he can be a better dad when he is happy.

The kids will benefit more from a happier dad and not one held to ransom over his wifes actions (be they intentional or not)

True he could/should have dealt with the situation better and not arrived where he is but he is where he is no - we're here to give advice on where he is - it's not the 20/20 hindsight forum.

please remember it's easy from a pc in your home to say how things should or should not be not as easy to actually carry out those actions.

IrishEyes19

King of Kings wrote: »

true it's tragic and by no means have I forgotten the children but he can be a better dad when he is happy.

The kids will benefit more from a happier dad and not one held to ransom over his wifes actions (be they intentional or not)

True he could/should have dealt with the situation better and not arrived where he is but he is where he is no - we're here to give advice on where he is - it's not the 20/20 hindsight forum.

please remember it's easy from a pc in your home to say how things should or should not be not as easy to actually carry out those actions.

I'm not disputing that king of kings, of course it's easy for me to say that, but anyone with half a brain would agree that right now the other woman is not the main priority. His kids are. And to give advice on where he is? Right now he's still lying about the affair to his wife. I'm not at all telling him what to do, but right now he needs to deal with his family, not his lover. They will be the ones left unhappy after this.

LegacyUser

I'd like to share some experience.

To cut a long story short, I messed around between my husband and another man for about two and a half years.

Here's what I learnt:

People are tougher than you think. Your wife can probably withstand the break up, though it may take her a few years to really be ok again. She can't withstand you messing with her sanity. I wished I hadn't spent to long driving my husband mad. At least if you leave now she has a chance of finding someone else before she's old.

The third wheel who says they can wait, 'take your time' etc., actually can't. Your hurting your relationship with that person and that can come back to haunt you, no matter what the third wheel says now.

There is no going back to a sexless relationship (in my experience).

There is no point wasting your life fretting about this stuff.

I think you should set up a three month deadline & go for counselling with the mrs. Aim to be gone in 3 mnths. Don't blame her, even if your sex life went to ****, whatever. This break up is your decision, not hers, so you have to should the responsibility i.e. blame. Be as nice to her as you can.

Good luck.

Milkmaid

Serial Idiot,
I think you are in a very confused situation. Go to counselling at least for your kids' sake....and think twice before you do anything rash.
The relationship with the other woman is in a cocoon, it has developed because you are unhappy and it is meeting some need in you. Normal healthy relationships are between two unattached people.You have not addressed what has caused you to look elsewhere..you haven't given yourself time to heal and are jumping straight into another relationship.
Also I would question the character of the other woman....she is aware you are married....when things get tough between you two in the future as a stressed-out blended family does HER wedding ring come off because to her a wedding ring means nothing??
Bottom line if you want to separate bear in mind that you will more than likely be living on your own , your kids will grow up as kids do. That is the reality of separation/divorce for most people. The other woman will be fine, but where will you be?

Chinafoot

CDfm wrote: »

But so does she

And where exactly did I say she doesn't? If you actually read my post you would see that I said they BOTH have a part to play here. The difference is that he chose to embark on a very serious affair. She didn't.

CDfm wrote: »

She had no knowledge of the affair.

Well from what the OP has said she is very much aware that something is going on. His refusal to take responsibility for his actions by either leaving his wife or ending the affair is of course going to impact on her state of mind. Did he make her try to kill herself, nope. But he absolutely had a part to play in her getting to that stage.

CDfm wrote: »

I am not justifying his affair. What I am saying is that she had other options to suicide.

And he had other options to an affair. Not getting sex is really not reason enough to go out and start shagging around. If you are not getting what you want from the relationship and are no longer in love with your spouse then you leave. You don't stay there while having a full-blown relationship with someone else and continuously deny your actions when questioned by your wife.

CDfm wrote: »

I think no sex life for 5 years is a major issue here.

Again, it is not justification for what the OP has done. I'm sure I'm wasting my breath here with you given your previous "you're a good provider and your sex life is non existant" comment. Sums it up really. He had the option of talking, counselling or even leaving. Instead he chose to embark on an affair that he now claims is love, and yet he is still refusing to leave his marriage and let his wife come to terms with what has happened.

CDfm wrote: »

There is a lot that the OP did not post. He said that the suicide attempt arose from a drunken argument. What else, drink issues , depression ??

Ah so now the wife is a raging alcoholic manic depressive? Why don't you actually comment on what the OP has said instead of inventing your own scenarios here. The drunken argument and suicide attempt came after the affair had been going on for a while, the wife knew something was up but was told there was nothing and then she gets told he doesn't love her anymore. She reacted in a bad way, and while you seem to enjoy focusing on this aspect of it and completely ignoring the fact that the OP has had a huge part to play here, you most likley missed the point where the OP said his wife has had counselling and appears to be a lot better. Unfortunately what the OP seems to be missing here is that any attempt she makes to recover from this will be destroyed by him continuing this affair and staying with his wife.

CDfm wrote: »

I have never suggested that the guy should leave the marriage.

So what should he do then? Do you think he should stay there and continue lying to wife leading her to question both her self-worth and her sanity?

CDfm wrote: »

I also think that after a suicide attempt , which was precipitated by a drunken argument, it may not go well for her in the Family Law Courts as lots of couples argue but not many make suicide attempts.

Considering the fact that the OP has made barely any mention of his children I seriously doubt this will be an issue for her.

CDfm wrote: »

As it happens I think the OP is having a bit of a midlife crisis and I do not think he should act hastily. He says he married hastilly and has had a relationship fall apart. Pattern anyone.

Again, what do you suggest? He should have his cake and eat it?

CDfm wrote: »

I think people are forgetting that at the prospect of her marriage ending the OP's wife attempted suicide. Maybe, just maybe, she would not be able to handle the seperation/divorce.

One option for the OP is to put the affair on hold and deal with the lady's health first and his family. I mean a suicide attempt is a big thing and like it or not the same situation repeated could cause a repeat.

How the hell is him staying with her when he no longer loves her and wants to be with someone else going to help her? Explain it to me, please.

CDfm wrote: »

There are also children and young adults to consider. Who is going to mind them.

Your constant focus on her suicide attempt is distracting from the facts here. I actually don't think I can continue engaging with you as (and I will happily accept a ban for this) absolutely every post by you here in this forum repulses me to my very core. Your issues with women are astounding.

OP, you can not continue this affair while staying with your wife. She knows what you're at and if you have any semblance of care for her you need to end either your marriage or your affair. You can't have both.

CDfm

Chinafoot -I am not saying anything like that.

I am saying that given what has happened he should take his time and not rush until his wife has recovered and that like it or not there are some ethical considerations here and these need to be considered and they are the best interests of the children and the wifes mental health.

Given what has happened - suicide attempt,affair & drunken fights - if it got into the Family Law Courts and given the little history we have here you would expect it to & you will have court ordered reports etc.

I don't think the OP should disclose his affair without discussing it at least with his GP and he cant just decamp and move in with his mistress as the welfare of the kids need to be considered. So if she is not capable and he is not willing then the kids could end up in care.

So while he can just walk away -thats the easy option but it is not necessarily the best option for all concerned. It might be the most selfish option at the moment. Its not just they who has a say but doctors, teachers etc can notify the HSE too and the decision could be out of both their hands.

I am not on anyones side here but it was the OP who posted and the talk of soulmates and the like is all very airy-fairy to me given the gravity of the situation.

This is not my issues with women but its what the facts suggest as a possible outcome. I think the OP needs a bit more backbone.

IrishEyes19

CDfm wrote: »

Chinafoot -I am not saying anything like that.

I am saying that given what has happened he should take his time and not rush until his wife has recovered and that like it or not there are some ethical considerations here and these need to be considered and they are the best interests of the children and the wifes mental health.

Given what has happened - suicide attempt,affair & drunken fights - if it got into the Family Law Courts and given the little history we have here you would expect it to & you will have court ordered reports etc.

I don't think the OP should disclose his affair without discussing it at least with his GP and he cant just decamp and move in with his mistress as the welfare of the kids need to be considered. So if she is not capable and he is not willing then the kids could end up in care.

So while he can just walk away -thats the easy option but it is not necessarily the best option for all concerned. It might be the most selfish option at the moment. Its not just they who has a say but doctors, teachers etc can notify the HSE too and the decision could be out of both their hands.

I am not on anyones side here but it was the OP who posted and the talk of soulmates and the like is all very airy-fairy to me given the gravity of the situation.

This is not my issues with women but its what the facts suggest as a possible outcome. I think the OP needs a bit more backbone.

I think CDfm has hit the nail on the head here. If he walks away, leaving his kids with a woman who is obviously very unstable right now and unhappy would be damaging for them.

CDfm

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

I think CDfm has hit the nail on the head here. If he walks away, leaving his kids with a woman who is obviously very unstable right now and unhappy would be damaging for them.

Yes, but, also potentially for her too.

LegacyUser

OP deserves to be happy too. If he decides to stay it will always be just her her her. To me she`s only an emotional blackmailer and certainly very unstable person. I feel for her but its nothing but a drag and they will split up eventually.

IrishEyes19

CDfm wrote: »

Yes, but, also potentially for her too.

That's for sure and speaking in simply just moral terms leaving out the fact that the poor woman is in a very fragile state right now, she foesn't deserve to be humiliated either when she discovers he is still lying about the affair.

jessiejam

I think you should come clean to your wife. Maybe her instability is caused by all the lies you are telling and the sneaking around you are doing. She has obviously copped it that there is something going on. Personally, that alone would drive me insane. She has the balls to confront you about it and give you the opportunity to come clean and you bottle out?

Maybe you being honest with her might give her the clarity and objectivity to finally see the full picture.

But OP, she does deserve the truth. The whole truth. How you lied etc. Why you weren't where you said you were at certain times. Otherwise she will beat herself up until the end of her days, wondering what she did wrong for you to fall out of love with her.
I think if she knows you are a liar and a cheat, she will be able to move on a lot quicker than thinking there is still hope for you both.

LegacyUser

I am in a similar situation as the OP. I am the wife. I have not had a physical affair but am crazy about someone else, who I am progessively getting closer to.

My husband and I have also been together for a long time since very young.
He also told me that his life 'didn't work' without me. I care for him deeply but not 'in love'.

OP - wondering how you got on and how things are for you now.
Best of luck with everything

Milkmaid

To the_wife:
I would caution you to take stock of the Pandora's box you may open....
as someone who was on the receiving end of someone else's mid-life crisis I can tell you the hurt and damage done to me and my children was unbelievable...this was besides the huge financial loss of divorce.
The truth is once a couple are together a long time there is a certain amount of effort needed for both persons to get what they need from the relationship once the honeymoon stage or "falling in love " stage is past.
You would be wise to seek counselling to find out what you are missing from your marriage, and allow your husband to rectify things along with you as a couple.
Please don't fall for the Mills and Boons crap of romantic love....there are lots of people in this life we can fall in love with..but that doesn't mean that love will mature into a grown up life-long commitment. My marriage counsellor has seen lots of couples who got together very young start to question their marriages as they age......when really the reality is that they just don't have the maturity to see that a life-long commitment can have lots of ups and downs.
You have a good husband, do you really think that some other man is going to ride up on his white horse and love you the same way? Do you have kids?
My kids are grown and the think my Ex is a selfish, immature man who chased a romantic notion with a woman who in the end dumped him and was a rubbish stepmother. Is this what you want ? Sorry for being harsh but wake up and if you have kids then grow up!!