deja vu.

Whynotme

4 yrs ago my daughter had a 'surprise' child. I had suspected previously that she may be pregnant but she denied it. She had been undergoing treatment for other ailments and we put it down to that. Then she had a baby, 2 hrs notice.

Now I notice many of the same symptoms that she had previously. Exactly the same. Others have also noticed and said it to me. They know how hurt I was the last time. I have been worrying about this for a few weeks now and don't know what to do. I have asked her and she denies being pregnant, but she did this before.

I stepped up the last time, had them live with me, supported her, babysit all the time etc. However, if she is in denial, again, I am not prepared to do it again. The last time I put it down to her being so shocked that she totally blocked it out, I can't do it again. I may be totally wrong. She is an adult so its not like I can drag her to the doc to have it confirmed, either way.

Any suggestions? She refuses to do a test. Does that say something???

Ickle Magoo

How old is your daughter OP?

Whynotme

26

Taltos

Some times you just have to walk away.

And that means from the prying and questioning as well.
If she has chosen to have another child - and is an adult then your role is simple... Be there to spoil the child for an hour or two a week - but after that it is up to her to manage her family...

Don't pry. Don't question. Let her know you love her and her family. But as you rightly pointed out - she is an adult and should be more than capable of taking care of any children she has either now or in the future...

Ickle Magoo

26 is well old enough to make her own decisions about kids and anything else in her life for that matter. I actually don't think you have any right to ask her to take a pregnancy tests or even divulge information to you about it. As you say, she's an adult - you have to decide what role if any you want to take in proceedings and that's as much of a say as you get, I'm afraid.

Best of luck.

cheesey1

26 is old enough to know if she has a child that she is responsible for it and that you have reared your child(ren). Does you daughter still live at home with you?

Whynotme

No she doesn't live with me. Having said that she is in my house at least 5 days a wk.

What I don't get, and this is my cause for concern, is the fact that all the signs are there, like before, and she may be in denial, again. She had always said she didn't want children until late in life and we were very concerned when she did have her child. She adjusted well after a period of time and is overall a brilliant mother. I am worried that if she is indeed pregnant that she won't cope as well this time if she doesn't admit to it (to herself, her boyfriend).

If she is pregnant, I would like her to mentally prepare this time! Not hide it from everyone, including boyfriend. Dad of her child is not around, obviously was a shock to him and he denied child so she has never pursued him. I want my grandkids to know their parents, their heritage, medical background etc.

Cheesey, your point that I have raised is another 1 for me. I have raised my kids, I am nearing the end of hands on parenting and really don't want to be back to square 1 again. I invested a lot of time and energy into my daughter and grand daughter and just don't want to go that road again, especially unexpectedly!

Miss Fluff

She needs to get her GP to refer her to a psychiatrist. I have read about a condition before where women totally conceal and/or deny that they are pregnant, often a side-effect of underlying depression which can be exaserbated by pregnancy hormones.

This is not a medical forum though so am obviously not in a position to give you proper advice. I'd urge you to march her to a GP though and get him to conduct a pregnancy test in front of you and then have her referred.

LegacyUser

Hey OP,

First of all take a deep breath, she mightn't be pregnant and if she's not you are worrying about nothing. Secondly take a step back, she's 26, and as you say you went through all this before, don't mean to sound harsh to your daughter but this really isn't your problem, it's hers.

I have an acquaintance who has handed her mother 3 children to rear, not 1, not 2 but 3 babies and that poor woman is 65 and looks 75 from all the stress. Now I was appalled that this girl could do this to her mother but the more I learned about the dynamic of that mother/daughter relationship the less surprised I was. The mother has bailed her daughter out of everything and so she's never had to cop the bloody hell on and she continues to use and abuse her poor elderly mother to such an extent that I can't be around her coz it's just too sickening. The reason why this girl has done this? Because she can, her mother has let her drop out of school, let her remain unemployed (she's never worked), paid off debts, paid off drug debts, raised her kids etc, she's only short of giving her a kidney and she would if she asked her too. Now I'm not saying that your daughter is that kind of despicable user but I'm asking; IS SHE? As in is she handing you another kid to raise because you made having the first one so unbelievably easy? The girl I know hands her mother her babies for 5 to 7 hours a day so she can go home and laze around the house on her own and then gives her the babies for the whole weekend so she can go out and act like a scummer and have more unprotected sex. I'm telling you all this because if that is the case with you please cop on and don't bail your daughter out, like at all, just say NO!!! If the story above sounds familiar then please get yourself into councelling to learn some boundaries, I know you love your daughter and grandchildren but you know what; you deserve a life too and after raising your family you deserve to not have to do it again with someone else's kids.

Now, there was ALOT of ifs in the above paragraph so please excuse me if it was way off the mark. If you feel that she's genuinely in denial then I would go and have a chat with your GP to see if there is anything you can do to help her. At the moment your hands are kinda tied as you don't have a clear picture of what is actually happening, I would suggest that you throw yourself on her mercy if she is a kindhearted girl? I know that if my mam was as upset and worried as you sound I'd tell her the truth even if I'd be in the bad books for it.

Whatever the story is take solace in the fact that she's ok now, isn't she? It's happened before and she's grand now so chances are that even if it is more of the same then she will eventually be ok, and this time she's older and this time she has a partner so it's a hell of alot better than last time. Please do not drive yourself mental with worry. Ask her again what is happening and if there's no joy there go and have a wee chat with your GP, other than that there's not really alot you can do but try to stay calm and not worry too much, although if you're anything like my own ma that'll fall on deaf ears!

Big hug and the very best of luck.

Whynotme

a condition before where women totally conceal and/or deny that they are pregnant, often a side-effect of underlying depression which can be exaserbated by pregnancy hormones.

This is exactly my worry. Sorry for resurrecting this thread again. But this is my feeling. I do feel that she is suffering from depression, other issues that she has never dealt with and this has carried over into this one.

She has blatantly lied to me which I can prove. I am now contemplating making an appointment with her gp and discussing my concerns with him. i will then leave it to him what steps to take as she is a regular with him on other issues. There is also a particular health issue that this could have a serious effect on if she is in denial.

You hit the nail on the head with your post. I am a protective mother, won't deny it, but I do have my reasons, I have also learnt to go with my gut instinct as I am generally right (as all mothers are!!!)

Miss Fluff

You are welcome. It certainly sounds similar doesn't it? You do have to be realistic though, you voicing your concerns to your family GP wont really suffice as unless someone is "sectionable" you can't in all honesty force them to see a doctor nor force a doctor on them. If she is seeing the GP regularly they probably can do a urine test on innocent grounds......dodgy territory in these litigious time though. If you are that concerned (and rightly so) make her do a pregnancy test in front of you....I don't envy you, sounds like a minefield

Whynotme

If you are that concerned (and rightly so) make her do a pregnancy test in front of you....I don't envy you, sounds like a minefield[/QUOTE]

She has refused to do this. That is my concern. My other daughter and I have spoken about this and she stated that she would do it in a heartbeat esp if she had nothing to hide. My concern also is for the boyfriend. Ah motherhood never ever ends!

Miss Fluff

Whynotme wrote: »

I stepped up the last time, had them live with me, supported her, babysit all the time etc. However, if she is in denial, again, I am not prepared to do it again. The last time I put it down to her being so shocked that she totally blocked it out, I can't do it again

Have you made this very clear to her? And do you actually mean it?

If so, maybe stop with the elephant in the room attitude and the softly softly approach. I'd assume she is pregnant and act accordingly. She is lying and expecting you to pick up the pieces like last time...... time for tough love imho. Make that clear to her, she is obviously very unwell. What has her partner to say about all of this? I know you are her Mum and you love her but what is her partner's take on all of this?

Whynotme

Hi,

I haven't spoken to him about it. I don't know if he knows the circumstances around her daughters birth. I don't know if she has told him what I asked her to do, pregnancy test. I don't know whether to tell him what I suspect. Do feel he should know but others think I should keep out of it. She is very good at denial.

Taltos

OK.

She is 26 - MORE than an adult - whatever the heck you think.
She has a partner.

You need to STEP AWAY.... Don't involve yourself in their dynamics - leave it totally to them to sort out.

Yes your daughter might be pregnant, yes she might be a liar, yes she might have this condition.
HOWEVER - unless you are afraid for her safety or that of her daughter you need to leave well enough alone.

Seriously. Going to her GP? Going to her partner?
Really what do you think you are going to accomplish here except create world war three....

If you must talk to her alone - let her know your concerns - but then step away before she runs away and leaves you alone with your worries...

thefeatheredcat

OP,

You've done enough and all that you can do. Your daughter is old enough and capable enough to stand on her own two feet at the age of 26 and deal with her own problems, even if it's with the help of her GP too. Well done to you for showing concern, not all mothers and grandmothers do.

From what I can gather of your daughter's situation she's probably been through the mill and I know from friends and family if there were difficulties with the last father of the child, no doubt she is still reeling from it, so I can understand there are a lot of issues your daughter may have and she may not be ready to discuss all the facts with you regarding it.

She is getting help through her GP with this and you're not privy to that information under doctor-patient confidentiality; while her GP may accept your concerns that's about as much as you can do and whatever happens next is, quite frankly, none of your business and totally up to your daughter.

Nor, may she be ready to discuss this current situation with you, should she have even had a chance to process it.

I highly recommend that you DO NOT approach her partner/ex partner - this will only cause a huge issue between them and both will resent you for it. It may be well intentioned but it's not your business. Don't go sticking an oar in there where it doesn't belong. He could end up denying paternal responsibility/deny it's his kid and relinquishing all rights to the child and should the entire situation as a whole ever go to courts (as these things can over guardianship, custody, visiting rights, SS suspecting your daughter's not currently in a fit state to look after kids, welfare payments, child maintenance etc) it will be looked at unfavourably.

Give your daughter a chance to process the situation and speak to the father of the child that she is or isn't carrying (as there's no proof) herself and let her take charge of the situation. And let her GP help her.

Your only role in this is to be her mother and a grandmother to the existing child; support your daughter when its needed when she comes to you and hope for the best for her. Offer your help to some degree when it's needed, without having to feel like you have to raise her child/children. Give her hugs and understanding. I have a feeling there's a whole lot regarding your daughter's situation that you know nothing about; your intentions are obviously well-meaning and kind hearted but also could do more harm than good.

Give your daughter time, respect the fact she has professional medical help available to her, encourage her to use it and I'm sure her GP will do their best to help your daughter. Keep open communications with your daughter and let her know that you're there for her. That is pretty much all you can do.