Family Finance Problems

LegacyUser

Hi,

I am married with a young child. My partner and I share costs, I cover mortgage and household bills and my partner covers childcare costs.

The problem is coming towards the end of every month, I know my partner will say can I borrow X amount of you until I get paid. This means that I have to budget more because my partner can't budget properly.

I'm already starting saving for Xmas and my partner has a significant personal event coming up around that time and I have suggested that she needs to start saving, but I know whe won't and that I'll end up coughing up more money.

This is really starting to do my head in, because I don't have a bob left to spend on myself yet the minute payday comes for my partner, it's "hit the shops" time and to hell with budgeting for the rest of the month. I feel like I'm being taken for a mug.

Any suggestions on how to sort this out?

CDfm

Very familiar terretory my man.

You do need to do some sort of relationship course on normal living . The problem is she is probably copying her mother and it may be what she knows.

This is time for positive action a la Eddie Hobbs.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

This is really odd because you're pretty much echoing what was said to me some time ago. I have incredibly poor money management skills. I fell into a dirty, horrible habit of relying on my partner to get me over the hump of getting paid monthly. I will be very honest with you, it was nearly the end of us. He's a very generous person (as am I..just at the wrong times), and he let it go for quite a while, but eventually, I slipped very far behind in paying him back, I never seemed to have money, even though I was in a well paid job, and basically I was as flaky as all get out.

I got a nasty shock when he started talking marriage and I realised that no way in hell was I going into a lifelong partnership with debts and mess and bad habits and poor judgement. I got my arse down to MABS, got a spending diary, a spare-change box and a big attitude adjustment.

Somedays I'm great, I'm all about the frugality and thrift. Somedays I still look in my wallet going "wtf?" and somedays I be honest and go "I was a tit." But he is happy because he knows I'm trying.

You have to have it out with her - she's not going to pick up on hints. You have to do it calmly, rationally (being told you're bad with money and you don't want to carry her anymore is incredibly humiliating). You have to go for the problem, not the person (I love you babe, but seriously, you'll have us both broke). If all else fails.....

"Do you want our child to grow up picking up bad money habits from his/her Mum? Because that's exactly what's going to happen".

Sorry for the long post, but your problem just hit really home to me. I'm going to go in and hug himself for putting up with me for so long, but you could try showing her this. Sh!t does work out in the end once you pull your head out of the sand!

PPS - MABS are the kindest, most non-judgemental, most encouraging crowd I have ever dealt with. It might do well for the both of you to go down and talk about good money management and budgeting. It's a good skill for anyone to have, and if you both go down, then you're tackling it as a team, not as her punishment, if you get me?

LegacyUser

OP here again, thanks for taking the time to reply. Time for the big conversation so. I have tried this a few times, usually ends up going in one ear and out the other or with me getting angry and losing my temper. Still the only way to start to sort this out is to talk. Thanks.

Dymo

To be honest you and your partner should be acting as a unit as you have a child together. If your a serious couple you should be sharing everything not having a tit for tat arrangement over where every penny goes as this will only lead to fights. With myself and my wife it doesn't really matter where money comes into the house its seen as ours, why not pool your money together and you look after the finances if it's the way you say it is she'll have no problem

CDfm

unregistered wrote: »

OP here again, thanks for taking the time to reply. Time for the big conversation so. I have tried this a few times, usually ends up going in one ear and out the other or with me getting angry and losing my temper. Still the only way to start to sort this out is to talk. Thanks.

It is a great Idea for you both to go to Mabs as it seems to me that doing the fight thing has not helped.

Why not contact them and see what they suggest to you.

How Strange

Why don't you both open a joint current account and pay all household bills, mortgage, creche, food shopping from it. That way you are contributing 50/50 towards everything.

I think your OH needs to be told straight out, unequivocally that her spending habits are out of order and it's unfair for her to assume you will subsidise her because she can't budget her money.

She mightn't like to hear it but she needs to be told. IMO the current account shouldn't be optional. For a married couple with a mortgage and child it's the fairest solution.

CDfm

How Strange wrote: »

I think your OH needs to be told straight out, unequivocally that her spending habits are out of order and it's unfair for her to assume you will subsidise her because she can't budget her money.

I think it is easy to criticise but how it seems to me is that she is not only budgeting her own money but she is budgeting yours too OP.

Its because of this that you are running into problems and your funds are not stretching to meet your individual needs.

So maybe you need to reverse it a bit and budget for your needs on a "pay yourself first basis" that way your funds will be there for you. That is not being selfish. It is being realistic and you have to get used to saying no.

A friend of mine was in a relationship like this and money stopped having a value for him because he could not afford the basics even though he had a good job. His wife would borrow from her relatives and he would be caught into repaying them.

An idea might be a weekly shop by list at a retailer like Lidl or Aldi - just budget tightly and for your partner to go out just with enough money for what she needs -bus fare or whatever but without her cards. It is easier to say no if you do not have an ATM or Laser machine to fall back on.

Now you have a bit to do here too as you cannot delegate the shopping to her and she cannot give you a line about we absolutely needed that or the baby needed xy & z because the shop is agreed.

I definately think getting angry is not going to get you any type of result and not getting involved in a planned shopping or bill paying will just allow the system to repeat and it is sort of an event that keeps repeating itself.

Saying "no" is very effing hard by the way but both of you have to get "mean" to afford your lifestyle.

Distorted

unregistered wrote: »

Hi,

I am married with a young child. My partner and I share costs, I cover mortgage and household bills and my partner covers childcare costs.

Thats not what I would call sharing of bills! My sympathies are initially with you as I know too many women who look on the men in their life as a free meal ticket. But - you have a child together and I agree with the comments that such a rigid division of funds is unrealistic - why not have a joint account and support each other, rather than counting every penny.

Do you earn more than your partner? Does she cover the rest of the child's expenses, in addition to childcare costs - those can amount to a lot. Maybe after having a child and not having much left over for herself, she feels the need to cheer herself up by buying clothes, etc and thats where half the problems coming from?

LegacyUser

Distorted wrote: »

Thats not what I would call sharing of bills! My sympathies are initially with you as I know too many women who look on the men in their life as a free meal ticket. But - you have a child together and I agree with the comments that such a rigid division of funds is unrealistic - why not have a joint account and support each other, rather than counting every penny.

Do you earn more than your partner? Does she cover the rest of the child's expenses, in addition to childcare costs - those can amount to a lot. Maybe after having a child and not having much left over for herself, she feels the need to cheer herself up by buying clothes, etc and thats where half the problems coming from?

Thanks Distorted....first of all, my partner is great, so I don't want anyone to think that I feel like I'm having an overly difficult time. Her budgeting is just a small thing that gets to me sometimes. I do earn more than her, so I think it's fair that I look after the lion's share of the bills.

The point about the joint account makes sense...I think if we both know how much spare cash we have left for ourselves then spending it is not a big deal. CDFM made a good poit about paying yourself first, I think we can both follow that approach.