I have no friends

LegacyUser

Well, I suppose the title says it all really. I have no friends, I had a few when I was a kid, but now (at 21) I can totally say I'm a complete loner.

I've just sort of accepted it now, but sometimes I find it just hard to take (especially friday/saturday nights.)
I'd just really love to have a few good friends to chat to, be there for each other through thick & thin & to accept you for who you are.

It's not like I don't have any hobbies or anything, I do, but whenever I join something (a club or whatever) everyone is (a) already really close, so it's a tad hard to fit in at times, or (B) they already have good friends from their school days & have loads of history & stories to tell, that I don't have at all. People notice this & think it's odd that I have no hilarious drunken stroy to tell.
I feel like a weirdo when I don't mention anything about "I did this & that with a mate from school".
I'm tempted to make stuff up, but that's just fu*king sad, & I'd probably get found out in the end.
I don't what to meet people through the internet...I don't know...it's just a bit...not for me.

I seem to get shy the more frequently I see someone. It's odd, for example. on the first day of college or joining a club (when no one really knows each other) I'm GREAT with breaking the awkwardness, but as weeks follow & everyone settles in I just get really quiet. I don't know why. It's really odd. I guess it's that I'm not used to developing a friendship.

sometimes I get REALLY down about this, whenever I'm on the bus & some group of people my age get on & are laughing away happily, it just keeps reminding me that I have no one.

I'm convinced I'm gonna be like this forever, & it freaks the bejasus out of me!!!!

thanks for reading.

LegacyUser

wow thats sounds exactly like my situation at the moment i actually wondered for a second if i had wrote it and just forgot i can see where your coming from i dont really know what to say though since im in the same situation

Red Hand

You say that you're great at breaking the awkwardness when you are in a group where noone knows each other? Well, I guess if you are good at that, then you need to take the next step and sort of suggest things to the group? Like, go for a pint or something like that?

Azure_sky

You're only twenty one, that's very young. Hell, you're not even old enough to get in some bars yet, so don't give up. You sound like you have social anxiety disorder,imo. Bars and pubs are not the best place to meet people, and it's boring going in on your own.
I would recommend developing your confidence, as it seems that you confidence issues. Clubs are good. As for not fitting in well all I can say is just keep trying.

Another option is the psych road, which I would personally recommend as a last resort. Your GP could put you an something to lower your anxiety, and you could get psycho therapy to deal with your self confidence issues.

Ickle Magoo

Azure_sky, as per the forum rules, please do not attempt to make an internet diagnosis - be aware that doing so can earn you a forum ban.

Many thanks.

Ickle

Zen65

nofriends wrote: »

It's not like I don't have any hobbies or anything, I do, but whenever I join something (a club or whatever) everyone is (a) already really close, so it's a tad hard to fit in at times, or (B) they already have good friends from their school days & have loads of history & stories to tell, that I don't have at all. People notice this & think it's odd that I have no hilarious drunken stroy to tell.

Do you think you might only be comfortable where everybody is starting from the same point? Very few opportunities like that arise in life. The "trick" is to join in with groups even if they already know each other. You'll be surprised how quickly people accept the newcomer, and enjoy their company.

And don't worry about not having stories to tell. You're probably the only one who notices this. Most young people are not taking notes as they go along!!

Get out, make friends, enjoy!! Stop judging yourself so harshly!

Be at peace,

Z

jay93

i had no friends all the way through my primary school years it was horrible at the time been on my own in the school yard for all those years when i started secondary school the friends started to flow in i must have had 80 or more good friends since leaving school tough i have all of about 15 friends at the most but all of them are very good people ..
maybe your luck may turn and you can get to know some people if you get out alot more you may be able to find some nice people to talk to and make some friends

LegacyUser

hi guys, thanks for the info.

I don't know, today i found it really hard, just woke up depressed thinking "at 21, it's just too fu*king late."
& when I was going to work I saw those ads for meteor with the college students & their phones. I know it's silly to get a little sad about that, but I just couldn't help it.

I also just heard some people my age walking past my window chatting away happily. It's never happened before, but I just burst into tears, crying for about 10 minutes, thinking "this is getting a bit much."

I know I'm trying, but I keep beating myself & saying "You're obviously not trying hard enough." Thanks for your support Zen65, but I can't stop judging myself harshly, i think it's just part of my mentality now.

Another thing I just realised was most of the clubs I join I'm usually the youngest by about 15/20 years. Not that that's bad, but I seriously lack any connection with people my own age group, & whenever I come in contact with them I get really nervous, & over analyse the conversation. I don't know if my hobbies are odd for my age. (Jogging, weights, languages, music)
(I go to a very small college, so there are no societies)
I looked up social anxiety disoder, I probably have it, it would make a lot of sense, even so it's a mild form anyway.

I feel like such a failer, especially with my dad. He & his mates had a great time when they were my age.

sorry if I come across as a big moaner, but I'm just so down right now. Sometimes I don't even know why I'm on this fu*king planet.

jdivision

you could be just quiet rather than shy. Force yourself to talk sometimes, it does make a difference. i was similar at your age, now I'm hte opposite

Ickle Magoo

OP, why don't you set up a society at your college of something you are really interested in & advertise for members? If you aren't great at going out and selling yourself, that might be a way of getting potential friends to come to you?

I moved country and knew no-one so I advertised for friends for a night out to show me around their town and of the people that replied, I'm still friends with loads of them. Sometimes you just have to bite the bullet, ignore the fear and do it anyway.

Best of luck.

Miss Fluff

nofriends wrote: »

I don't know, today i found it really hard, just woke up depressed thinking "at 21, it's just too fu*king late."

I'm sorry OP but that kind of attitude will bring you on a one-way trip to misery. Ever seen the film Vanilla Sky? There's a great quote in the film, which is "Every Passing Minute is Another Chance to Turn it All Around".....stop wasting more time and start making those changes today. Your happiness really is in your own hands in this instance.

LegacyUser

wow op my situation is pretty similar. im 24 and ive only ever had a few friends and when we left school nobody kept in touch so now im virtually on my own. not really into pubs or clubs like most other people and it seems nobody wants to do anything other than drink. its a pity like because i love doing loads of other stuff like play and watch sport go to the cinema etc. i know ive not helped you in any way but i just said id let you know youre not alone!

MonkeyBone

Hi OP,

I think you need to just get out there and get active with clubs and societies. You may be your own worst enemy when it comes to making friends if you over think how you should make conversation, participate in anecdotal stories etc... I was the same when I started college and it took me time to find my feet but I learnt that if you just get out there and are comfortable with yourself then making friends becomes easier. I was class rep every year for the 6 years I was in college and being class rep opened doors for me in terms of making friends (and organising the odd class party didn't hurt either :P) so that may be an idea....

The main thing is to stop knocking yourself! If you start having more confidence in yourself and are comfortable with who you are then it will be easier to make true friends in college (and life).

Moomoo1

Unfortunately confidence isn't everything. You can be the most confident person in the world, but if you don't have social/conversational skills to back that up then people will just think you are weird.

Do you have problems in your (spoken or non-spoken) communication, OP? Do you find it hard to hold a dialogue?

LegacyUser

You're 21, you're practically a teenager! I barely hang out with any of the people now (29) that I hung around with at 21, my closest friends are people i've met since. I do have friends from school etc still but at this point they're more just former friends/aquaintances that i'd be very loyal towards but at this stage have little in common with.

More importantly, none of my current close friends are people I 'tried' to become friends with, it just sort of happened, and never in a group situation - i'm not an outgoing person, i'm never going to be able to just step into a group and befriend everyone - in fact thats got to be the most difficult way possible to make friends.

Just relax, be yourself, talk to people at work, talk to people you meet.. People are social creatures and by their nature will come to recognise people they communicate with regularly as friends over time. I know just by reading your post that you're a really nice, genuine, humble person, exactly the the qualities I personally find most appealing in a friend. You need to forget about 'trying' to make friends, start trying to be confident in the fact that you're a good person, hard though it seems, and the rest will follow. Its a weary ****ing cliche but just learn to like yourself, be the sort of person that YOU'd want to be friends with.

Put it like this, do you have any enemies? Have you ever met anyone that disliked you or anyone who's personality you clashed with? I'd venture to guess that i've experienced all those things more than you ever will, probably because I always tried too hard to influence other peoples opinions of me instead of just being myself. And I was a lot older than you are now before I realised that.

LegacyUser

Hi guys OP here.

Moomoo1, thanks for your reply, but yeah, I guess do find it hard to hold a dialouge, I don't know I just get nervous & can't really think about what to say, & also see my above post about not having many crazy stories to tell, ('cause I don't go out) that's a real drawback imo.

Hi Package spunal, by far your post hit me the most.
I suppose I should just learn to relax & let things flow naturally. you're right, learning to like yourself is difficult, but I'm up for giving it a try. & as you say, HOPEFULLY things will just follow after that.

I think I also just have to bite the bullet more & say "fu*k it" to fear, I guess that's been crippling me a bit, since school.

dan_d

Feel the fear and do it anyway:D

What's weird about your hobbies?? I'm into (and always have been - play 2 instruments) music, love jogging (specifically on my own, hate it with other people) and I'm a compulsive student - restarting Spanish classes shortly and investigating french classes. I'm 27, and have always had these interests.Can't comment on the weights. I'm also a compulsive reader - not what you'd call a team sport.

When you say you're into music, how do you mean? You like listening to it??Or do you play an instrument? If so, there's endless groups out there to join. If you sing - find a choir (also on my list of things to do...)

Just examples. But seriously OP, go out there and terrify the life out of yourself because it's the only way to start living. Find a group, initiate the conversation, and keep it going.Really. You have so much of your life ahead of you, don't write yourself off now.

Nodferatu

i can understand this. I'm 27 and been a loner since secondary school, i have no friends. well 2 internet friends. i find friday/sat/sunday's difficult. the worst company is myself i have too much time to think. too much time to reflect on the past.

Lwmusic

Hey
I had to create an account cause I felt so strongly about this. You're not alone. I'm a twenty year old language and music student, and I feel so alone. I feel like I have noone to contact, and despite being in bands and things and performing in front of huge crowds, I feel totally alone I'm confident and yknow, a decent looking girl. I dunno what I'm doing wrong! I hate hanging round with people who do drugs and stuff, so I became sort of ostracised from my old group of friends...

saa

I used to feel like I had no one and couldn't make friends and then it helped to not focus on it and feel content doing things on my own getting active in things and people gravitated towards me,

Most people don't want to be friends with me because I am quiet, a bit strange, and have alternative interests and I'm happy with the fact that thats okay most other people don't gel with me, you will meet people who aren't looking for you to entertain them.

I didn't make any friends until my third year and I still feel like I don't like most of the people in college because a lot of them seem to still be immature and loud.
When you leave college if you get involved in a certain kind of work, interest or volunteer you will usually meet friends but I still think its really difficult to make friends in ireland...

LegacyUser

Wow OP, are you me? Seriously, reading through that post was like reading my biography. Same age and everything. For a few years now it's really started to creep up on me and like yourself I'm getting more and more bothered by the little reminders everywhere. I don't go out on the weekends and I dread birthdays and xmas because I get so lonely. I long so badly to feel close to someone and to rely on someone, to have a few mates to have a laugh with. I don't have any advice for you I'm afraid - just know that you're not a freak and there are others out there going through the same thing! Stay strong and good luck.

EdenHazard

I hate seeing stuff like this, because it was once me. I had mates in my early teens, but I didn't hang out with people from school and when my estate friends all moved to different places I was left with nobody. Those few years were the worst ever. Thankfully I got the guts to eventually leave my house and go out on the road and make new mates like I would have done back when I was 7 or 8 and today it's all good. Just do something, any of you experiencing this, it's not hard, your not gonna have hang out all the time mates most likely but the reality is as you get older nobody hangs out all the time, for example I live in an estate and im mates with about 11 people in the estate but wouldn't see them all the time, mayb one or two at a time for football or whatever. But it shouldn't be too hard to find mates to do activities with/go on nights out etc.

EdenHazard

Lwmusic wrote: »

Hey
I had to create an account cause I felt so strongly about this. You're not alone. I'm a twenty year old language and music student, and I feel so alone. I feel like I have noone to contact, and despite being in bands and things and performing in front of huge crowds, I feel totally alone I'm confident and yknow, a decent looking girl. I dunno what I'm doing wrong! I hate hanging round with people who do drugs and stuff, so I became sort of ostracised from my old group of friends...

Awwww, are you in college or?

Ickle Magoo

As this thread has been bumped from Sept 2011, I'm locking it

For anyone suffering similar issues, please feel free to start your own thread.

If you haven't already done so, please take the time to read the [URL=" http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]forum rules[/URL] in the charter.

Many thanks.