When is it too late to tell the truth

LegacyUser

Hi

Just recently I found out I may have a life-threatning illness and may not have too long left to live...I'm 33 but I dont want any pity or anything like that. My biggest worry is that I got pregnant 17 years ago and had a little girl. In my mid-twenties I married my present husband, whom my daughter has always regarded as her 'daddy'. She does not know that he is not her biological father. I need some advice...should I tell her the truth before I die, if that is what is to happen to me or is it better to say nothing ( I have only my daughters feelings in mind, I don't care as to whether it is better for myself or not...finally ye might say...I know I've been a selfish coward for not telling her but our lives have had been so perfect until now.......)

am i bovvered

I am not the biological father to my son, I believe we have an extremely tight bond, I have been his dad since he was 6 months, however we have let him know over the years what the situation was.
The likelyhood is your daughter will find out, these things usually come out eventually, but now is probably not the time to tell her, ye will all have enough to deal with already.
My advice would be to write her a letter and give it to your husband to give to her when he felt it was the right time.
I really wish you the best of luck, reading your post puts life into perspective.
X

Miss Fluff

I'd be inclined not to. Your daughter is seventeen and if she loses you to illness, losing her other parent at the same time could ruin her life. Sometimes there really is reason to let sleeping dogs lie imho. How does your husband feel about you weighing up this as an option to tell her? I can't imagine that he is overly bowled over with the prospect of losing both you and his daughter....

CDfm

Sorry about your illness and i hope things improve.

A friend of mine has two adopted boys and some years ago her husband died when the oldest boy was around twelve. It was fairly obvious that they were adopted because they are south american. His family who she does not particularily get on with have been incredibly supportive with the boys.

Now what she said was the boys biggest fear was loosing the other parent now I imagine that you might find out more from the probable affects on your daughter on the adoption forum.

You have not planned this and there are a lot of issues out of your control including if the biological dad wants to make contact. This is an issue for you and your husband and not you alone.

Best of luck for you and your family.

metrovelvet

I also think you need to have some kind of back up in case something happens to your husband or if he never gets around to telling her. She eventually should be told. These things have a way of coming out in the wash.

John Mason

what a horrible situation - my heart goes out to you.

when your daughter hits 18, she is going to a need a copy of her long form birth certificate to apply for her passport - is her bio fathers name on it ?

I would tell her now, imagine her horror if you do pass and she finds this out? she will have loads of questions that only you can answer.

if you dont tell her, make sure you have left her a long detailed letter explaining your reasons for not telling her and answer as many questions as you can about her bio dad.


take care

metrovelvet

You know what... I thought about this again and I think that there is a real downside to leaving it to your husband to be the messenger. Your daughter will have a lot of questions and might want to express her feelings to you, her mother about what she is feeling and if you die and leave her hanging, she wont be able to do that. I would be seriously pissed off if my mother did that. If I buried my mother, went through the grieving process and all the pain taht entails, and suddenly found out she lied to me for eighteen years about who I was, and didnt give me the chance to slap her in the face, or ball my eyes out, or ask her questions about my father, my entire grief would have been a fraud, my entire relationship with my mother would have been a fraud.

I'm sorry to be blunt about it. I really don't envy you or least of all your daughter who's world is going to be turned upside down.

CDfm

irishbird wrote: »

when your daughter hits 18, she is going to a need a copy of her long form birth certificate to apply for her passport - is her bio fathers name on it ?

I would tell her now, imagine her horror if you do pass and she finds this out? she will have loads of questions that only you can answer.

if you dont tell her, make sure you have left her a long detailed letter explaining your reasons for not telling her and answer as many questions as you can about her bio dad.


take care

That is my feeling too - none of this is of the girls making and while the timing is not ideal -it is better coming from you.

Ickle Magoo

I would be completely transparent with your daughter and give her the opportunity to ask all the questions she needs to so she can come to terms with everything. It's best she hears it from you and the reasons why she hasn't been told from you so she can't hold your husband responsible or carry resentment that you never told her the truth and sully your memory should the worst happen.

Kids are much more resilient than we give them credit for but as an adoptee, I think most would prefer to know the whole story and learn to live with whatever than means than find out later in life that life is based on a pretence than everyone bar you knows the truth about.

All the best.

The Sweeper

I would say tell your daughter for one reason: if you die, and she finds out afterwards, you won't be there to answer any of her questions.

I wish you all the best and I hope whatever you have, you can beat it and live a long and happy life.

LegacyUser

Hi again OP here

Ive had the best possible news today and found out that my ovarian tumour is beingn. I feel like Ive been given a second cahnce at life, I was so sure things would turn out badly and that I had very little time left. However it has forced me to face up to the situation with my beautiful daughter and from reading your comments and reflecting on everything as I have been forced to do, I know that I cant decieve her any longer. Even though I said I was not afraid of dying, and truly meant it because when you are confronted with such news you only think of your loved ones and not your own situation, i am noe very worried as to how to break the news about her bioogical dad to her

CDfm

OP happy daze

You have now started a process of growth yourself and have to face up to the possibility of what to tell your daughter and when. So how are you going to tackle it.

AssaultedPeanut

Op I'm sure you will find the right words at the right time. It's a difficult situation for all concerned, but hopefully your daughter will see that being a biological father and being a good father can be 2 very different things, the latter being the most important.

I have to say reading through the thread and then coming to your post that you got the all clear, I breathed a sigh of relief for you. I think you're incredibly selfless, you were faced with the possibility of a death sentence and the first thing you did was think of loved ones. Your daughter & husband are lucky people

Take care and I hope all goes well

JonathanAnon

Congrats on your good news.... For what my two cents is worth, I think you should sit her down and tell her when she is 18, i.e. mature enough to handle it and old enough to try and find her biological father if she should wish.

Would it create difficulties for you (and your husband) if you told her and she wished to make contact with her biological father? What sort of guy is he?

LegacyUser

fully agree with the poster JonathanAnon, if your daughter is 17 I take it she may not have sat the leaving certificate, telling her now will distract from her studies and could ruin a very important year for her. Regardless of how you tell her she'll be a little shocked and it will raise so many questions in her mind about her own origins that it would be unfair to share this with her until such time as she has the "time" to deal with it.
I read your thread the other night and really felt for you, now I'm delighted with your good news and wish you a very long and happy future!