Broke up with him, instant regret

Dark Artist

I'm a guy who's in a long-distance relationship with another guy in a far-away country (or I was, should I say). Usually we would message each other every day or every second day maybe. We've been going out about 2 months. I'll cut right to the chase.

Basically, he was unreachable for an entire week. I sent him about four messages over the course of seven days but received not one reply, while all the while my Facebook newsfeed showed me his status updates and comments he was leaving on his friends' pages. He even left a comment on one person's page acknowledging that he had received their messages and how he planned on replying to them the day after. I still had no word from him two days after that.

To me, it seemed he was receiving my messages but deciding to ignore me. Then he decided to hide his relationship status, which made things worse in my head. After five days I sent him a message telling him that if he didn't reply the next time he logged on, I'd end it. He logged on the next day, no reply. I gave him one last chance. He logged on yesterday, no reply. I ended it by changing my status to single, because I was convinced at that stage that he had decided to end the relationship by cowardly ceasing all contact with me. I didn't want to do this at all, in fact it killed me, but I believed he was the one deciding and I simply accepting that he considered us finished.

Immediately he appeared online and we started a chat window. Apparently he hadn't checked his messages all week and hadn't read mine, and that I should "know what he's like". He said he hadn't thought a week was too long to not be in touch, that he was telling friends earlier in the day about me, and that he was angry I had ended it without even talking to him. It finished with him logging off abruptly.

The one thing that stopped me from doing what I did for so long was the notion that he was innocent. By the looks of it, it appears he was indeed innocent, but also very f**king stupid. I know I should have trusted him more, but every time I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, something else would happen that simply screamed 'take the hint already'. I've ignored hints from people before and I wasn't about to make a fool out of myself again.

So here's my dilemma. Immediately after he logged off abruptly, I sent him a message apologising and saying he meant a lot to me, but that at the same time he had made a big mistake by not contacting me for a week. I asked him to get back to me so we could talk about it. It's been about a day and a half, no word from him.

He's extremely stubborn and not the type to apologise right away. Right now I don't know whether to try softening him up more or just taking a step back and leaving the ball in his court. He must feel hurt that I was so drastic, but surely he can understand how upset he made me feel by putting me aside for such a long time, and how I felt I had no choice to do what I did. The difference between me and him is that I can completely see his side of the story and I'm willing to listen to him, but now he's cut me off more than ever and I worry that I'll never hear from him again.

Most friends I've talked to agree with me but one person did say they thought what I did wasn't very well thought-through and quite drastic. I want to know if anyone else has experienced something similar, or how to get through this situation. Should I keep hope, should I give up hope? If I let him cool down will he get back to me? I'm not a person who enjoys losing their dignity by constantly sending messages that don't get any replies and I think that if I sent one more I'd feel pretty damn pathetic.

There's the possibility that he wasn't innocent and he's flat out lying to me, trying to make me the culprit so he feels less guilty. However, I find it hard to believe that he can be that heartless and cruel.

ldxo15wus6fpgm

Had a girlfriend like this...
Ignored me every now and then and made it kinda obvious she was doing it (maybe she was just a little on the slow side though :rolleyes:).
Treated me as her plaything, I there when she wanted me, as soon as she got bored of me I wouldn't hear from her for almost, sometimes more than, a week. Granted it wasn't too often, but still, it broke my heart. Whenever I mentioned it she denied it and said she was too busy to talk etc. How long does it take to send a fuggin' text like?
You're better off alone than being treated like a toy he can pick up and play with when he feels like it.

Tbh I'd only continue trying to salvage the relationship if nothing like this has ever happened before, because if it has it's just not worth the hassle and you'd be telling him he can treat you like this and get away with it, and believe me it will happen again. If it has happened before just move on, and when (not if, when) he tries to get you back tell him where to go.

That's my opinion... take it with a pinch of salt as I'm sure there are people on here with much more experience... I'm only 18

CDfm

I agree with munkymannmatt here.

No matter what gender or orientation you are long distance relationships are difficult and i have been there and done that.

From the outside you invested an awful lot of emotional energy in this one and got little back in return. Maybe your instincts are right and he does not value or want the relationship in the way you do.

I have a friend who is female and she is going through a break up right now and rings me at 5 in the morning because thats when it hits her.

You cant be a doormat and need to work out what you want out of relationships. You need to list out whats important to you and take it from there .

I am not gay but check out this link as i am sure whatever your thing relationships are challenging in the same way.

http://www.thatbitchbook.com/due_dilligence.html

dory

Forget about him. He seems like a drama lover. I had an ex like that too. Didn't contact for a while and I'm convinced it was only to get a reaction out of me. Time to move on I'm afraid. Find someone who won't do that to you.

blairbear

A week is a loooooong time not to contact someone you're in a relationship with. Unless someone was travelling somewhere in a place that made contact difficult, I wouldn't accept this at all. He knew well you'd be expecting contact from him as this was the norm for your relationship.

I refuse to believe that someone who's visibly active on facebook isn't checking their private messages on it. If for no reason other than the red notification thingy is really distracting until it's checked! He made a conscious decision not to bother responding to you. Big fecking deal if he was talking about you to his friends at some point. Does he want a medal for it?! His pride was obviously a bit put out when you changed your status to single as mutual friends would be able to see this, and he's tried to turn it round on you and make you look like the drama queen.

At best, for a whole week, he never once thought to initiate contact with his boyfriend or bother to check his messages to see if his boyfriend contacted him.

At worst, he saw your messages, decided to ignore them and is now trying to make you feel worse than you already do by blaming you for his mistake.

It's only two months in, and given that he lives really far away, a big effort is needed.. I don't think he's mature enough to make the effort that you deserve, hun.

ManOfMystery

Forgive me if I'm stating the obvious here, but all this texting and facebook messaging - did it never occur to you to actually ring the guy for a chat? I can't imagine conducting a relationship through text messages. What age are you both?

Again, if you did and merely omitted this from your account above, forgive me.

In any account, I agree that the guy in question is most definitely in the wrong. It's plainly obvious that he's lying and decided to ignore your messages. Even if he genuinely didn't read them, it should have occurred to him at least once that a week is a long time to go without initiating contact with your other half.

Supercell

A week is too long, if he really cared for you he would have replied sooner, you did the right thing, you deserve better.
I am 100% sure there are other fellas out there for you that wouldn't treat you like a doormat.

Dark Artist

Thanks a lot for the replies guys. It's been 12 more hours and still no word from him.

A few of my friends did mention the phone thing. We actually never even discussed exchanging numbers or making phone calls because we regularly chat on Skype with video and audio for free (there's a plug for you). The thing is, I never expected to find myself in a situation where he was completely out of reach, so I wasn't pushed to get his number or give him mine. Didn't think there was any need.

In response to whether it has happened before or not - no, he's never gone this long without contacting me. The longest was probably three days. Another thing I forgot to mention is that he once told me he actually broke up with his last boyfriend this way, hence my increased suspicions.

We couldn't Skype for the past week because he was actually on holidays and not at home, so we didn't have Skype or MSN or any form of instant messaging, we just had Facebook. So yes, contact was made difficult, but again, the comments he was leaving on other pages blows this argument out of the water. Today he arrives home to full contact capabilities so we'll see what happens.

If I do hear from him it depends on how well he listens to me and acknowledges his mistakes. I know what my mistakes are. There was some truth to him telling me to know what he's like. I've seen him in person log on to Facebook and not check the 10 or so messages waiting for him, but I don't think I'm wrong in feeling he should prioritise me when choosing who to keep in touch with while on holidays.

If I don't hear anything from him soon I'm going to be extremely hurt but at least I'll know I made the right decision. I don't think I could have him back if he went another week without contact. Since we're technically broken up, I have a sick feeling he's going to use that as the perfect excuse.

ManOfMystery

This is all a bit strange ................ you've been going out a few months but don't have each other's numbers?

Have you actually met or is this relationship conducted entirely online?

Dark Artist

Again I never saw any reason to have his number because we talk the same way for free regularly. I know now how important it was to have his number but it just never dawned on me.

Yes, we've met in person. He's come here and stayed with me twice before for a week each time. We decided to make it official by the end of the second week he was here. So it's been nearly 2 months since I saw him in person.

ManOfMystery

Ok. I was only asking because if you hadn't met I'd be inclined to say this guy could be wherever he is telling you absolutely anything, and you'd have no choice but to believe it. But you obviously have a bit more history and trust than that. Nevertheless, he's very much in the wrong here - so don't give in and let him blame you for this. Him not getting your messages or not seeing them is a total fabrication, anyone can see that.

Dark Artist

It's nearly been five days now and not a peep out of him. I'm starting to think that my worst fear is true, that he was only trying to make me feel guilty by lying to me about not getting my messages. No one can be this stubborn. He was online today and I sent him an instant message but no response. The connection was bad but I'm pretty sure he got it. At least I know now that I did the right thing.

I guess this is where this thread ends. Thanks for your responses guys, you helped me stay strong and not beg or plead with him to reply to me.