To marry or not

LegacyUser

I have a huge problem....I have been going out with a girl on and off for around ten years have been going out now straight for four years and we own a house together
Over the last few months she has been putting the pressure on to get engaged, she keeps asking how long, will it happen etc etc

We have had a few arguments over it....I love her to bits and know one comes near here, I am highly attracted to her, I feel great with her, we have our ups and down but I guess we are quite intense and have real fire between us

The thing is I cant see us ever getting married and I dont understand why, I want to be with her and I should want to marry her but something is just saying no but I still want her
Its hard to explain when I dont understand myself

Can someone please help me I dont want to mess this up

LegacyUser

Really I am desperate and would appreciate any advice
Have any of you guys out there being through this
My head is getting more and more messed up

Zaph

You only started the thread about an hour before your second post. It's late at night and there aren't many people around. Please have a little patience.

LegacyUser

Yeah I know ta........need to cool my jets but my head is just melted

finbarrk

Strange, you say you love her to bits. Then you say you can't see yourself marrying her.
It looks like both of you need to sit down and have a serious conversation regarding where ye are going.
Please do it for her sake.
My take on it is not to marry.
Unless she is loaded and really keen.

MissHoneyBun

Don't do it. Be straight with your girlfriend yes -marry her if your hearts not in it, noooooo.

Beruthiel

confusedman wrote: »

I love her to bits and know one comes near here, I am highly attracted to her, I feel great with her, we have our ups and down but I guess we are quite intense and have real fire between us

The thing is I cant see us ever getting married and I dont understand why

Considering what you say above, I suggest you really look at the reasons why you don't want to marry her.
Is is more than just a fear of commitment?

Think about 20/30 years ahead, do you still see yourself with her or not?
What exactly do you want from life?
Is it a wife and children or would you prefer to be single?

You need to come to a decision as she would appear to know what she wants and if it is something you cannot give her, you need to let her go so she can find someone who can.

Sit her down and talk to her.

LegacyUser

Yeah its so hard
I love her and I dont want things to end but I just cant see it
I wish I could - it would make life so much easier
She is a good girl

LegacyUser

I have a confession
Look I caved into the engagement a few months ago thinking I would get used of the idea and wedding is booked but I just can't see it happening and feel like I am in some dream

I want to be with her, shouldn't I want to commit, isn't that the next step

I ofter wonder if the pressure was taken away maybe I would have wanted to get engaged of my own bat instead of being dictated to

I didn't want to say I got engaged as I seem like a right Ahole

StarryMoon0

confusedman wrote: »

I have a confession
Look I caved into the engagement a few months ago thinking I would get used of the idea and wedding is booked but I just can't see it happening and feel like I am in some dream

I want to be with her, shouldn't I want to commit, isn't that the next step

I ofter wonder if the pressure was taken away maybe I would have wanted to get engaged of my own bat instead of being dictated to

I didn't want to say I got engaged as I seem like a right Ahole

Ok, not nice, but it happens. I can see your side of it, you felt pressure and thought you'd get be fine with it once it happened. I can also see her side of it tho, you've been together a while. Doens't make it right for her to pressure you though.

Try and decide why you are not so keen on it. What do you really want? If you really don't want to be with her for the foreseeable future, then marriage and kids is going to be a whole lot of heartache for her when you up and walk away form it all.

Walls

Okay, describe as clearly as you can your fears about getting married.

LegacyUser

Ok if you are still having doubts after 10 years going out with this girl as to whether you see a future with her then you really need to tell her this. Take a step back and think what life would be without her.

Making such a huge decision just because you feel pressure and have "caved" to her is not the way to go about this. If you don't want to do it tell her now and explain to her exactly why...(too much pressure etc.) She will not take this well naturally and be prepared for a tough time for a few months but it would be way better than feeling trapped in a contract that takes years to get out of.

Talk to her and see why she wants to marry you? After 10 years together seems that getting married is more of a paper excercise than anything else.

Is she doing this for your benefit (i.e. to protect your interests in future or exisiting children)
Is she doing this so that she can have an emergency contact that is you and not her current next of kin
Is she keen to get married so that you both and avail of any tax benefit.
Is she getting a whiff that you might not be in this for the longhaul and wants evidence that you are not about to up and leave any minute and is using marriage as a make or break scenario?

Once you see her motivation to get married decide whether you agree or disagree on these items. It is make or break time now it seems so talk it through and if you both aren't on the same page and can't compromise then let her go and stop toturing yourself

LegacyUser

OP, it sounds to me like you've got more going on than just pre-wedding nerves. Yes, you say you love your fiancee and don't want to break up with her, but at no point to you seem to consider that you may want to be with her in 5, 10 or 30 years time. Do you see yourself having children together? Are you ready to be a father and give up on a lot of your own time and social activities? Because if you are together for 10 years, you are probably already late 20s to early 30s and your fiancee will probably see this as the next thing to do.

Another thing I noticed in your post is that you've been together "on and off" for 10 years. What happened that ye were off? Did ye break up multiple times? Was it usually you that broke up and did your own thing for a few months? Or was it her? I think these things are very relevant. If you two have broken up lots of times before over probably small things, then how will you deal with the stress that planning a wedding, marriage, building/buying a house, pregnancy, children, etc. bring? Believe me, anything that went on in my life before we reached that stage was a walk in the park compared to the pressure that these things can bring. Now, don't get me wrong, I love it, but you've got to be ready for it and be sure that it's what you want.

My feeling is that you need to figure out exactly what you want for yourself in 5-10 years time. If you don't think you see yourself being married with kids in 5 years or if this freaks you out completely, then you've got a serious problem and need to discuss it with your fiancee. The wedding date is going to creep up on you very very fast and these things have to be sorted.

I hope for both your sakes you either sort this out and you get over your nerves. Because, although married life with kids is absolutely not a walk in the park, it is, for me anyway, extremely happy and fulfilling. Best of luck with your future OP.

LegacyUser

I just never thought about getting marred ever its not something I ever wanted to do
but shouldn't I want to marry her isn't it the next natural step

angelxx

OP unless you are absolutely certain, Don't do it. Getting married is a huge life changing decision and you need to be certain. Talk with your girlfriend tell her that you love her and discuss your feelings, Honestly she will understand in time that your not ready.

Walls

angelxx wrote: »

OP unless you are absolutely certain, Don't do it. Getting married is a huge life changing decision and you need to be certain. Talk with your girlfriend tell her that you love her and discuss your feelings, Honestly she will understand in time that your not ready.

In fairness, a lot of that understanding might be strained once the wedding invitations are printed and sent out. You guys going to do a premarriage course? There are some good ones out there.

Penny Dreadful

confusedman wrote: »

I have a huge problem....I have been going out with a girl on and off for around ten years have been going out now straight for four years and we own a house together
Over the last few months she has been putting the pressure on to get engaged, she keeps asking how long, will it happen etc etc

We have had a few arguments over it....I love her to bits and know one comes near here, I am highly attracted to her, I feel great with her, we have our ups and down but I guess we are quite intense and have real fire between us

The thing is I cant see us ever getting married and I dont understand why, I want to be with her and I should want to marry her but something is just saying no but I still want her
Its hard to explain when I dont understand myself

Can someone please help me I dont want to mess this up

I was in practically the same situation as you a year ago. I had been with my boyfriend for 10 years and we'd been over and back the will we won't we get married. It matterd a lot to me that we did, I need our life to move on, wanted to have a family etc.
My boyfriend lied to me about getting married for well over 2 years and eventually when backed into a corner admitted that he never wanted to get married or have a family. I was devestated to put it mildly. We went for counselling and I worked very hard to try to salvage the relationship but it was done and dusted really. We broke up finally last November and while it was hell to go through I knew in my heart and soul it was the best thing.
My advice is to be honest with your girlfriend, I was so angry at being lied to, angry at myself for believing that we would make it and be happy, angry at the amount of time I thought I had wasted. I missed my boyfriend after we broke up as I could remember the good stuff as well as the bad and had all of the emotions and feelings you have after you break up with someone.
If you love her, really and truly love her be honest. If you're not you will make your life and her life awful until you have no choice but to be honest.

Zen65

confusedman wrote: »

The thing is I cant see us ever getting married and I dont understand why, I want to be with her and I should want to marry her but something is just saying no but I still want her
Its hard to explain when I dont understand myself

Can you explain the paradox in this please?

Is it that you don't ever want to marry (anyone), ... or do you not want to marry her?

There's a world of difference.


Z

metrovelvet

Marriage changes things. Are you scared of not knowing how or what its going to change? I can see how that would be scary.

tinkerbell

If you don't want to get married, then you need to tell your girlfriend. Obviously marriage seems to be very important to her judging from your original post. So you should give her the respect that she deserves and tell her how you feel. And why don't you want to marry her? If she wants to be married, then she isn't going to just settle for being "someone's girlfriend" forever. Marriage is important for a lot of people.

So why don't you want to marry her?

mylittlepony

When people get married, the next step is children.

Like the poster above, why you dont want to marry? Is it HER or anyone?
Also do you want children?

Also the fact that ye have been on/off over 10 years is not very good.
Why did it happen?
Does the reasons that ye were off, is that putting you off marrying her?
Whether it was your fault or hers?

martina81

hey confusedman,
its a horrible situation your in but in fairness you shouldnt have proposed in the first place! However its not too late whereas it will be too late once your married.
if you love your OH like you say you do then respect her enough to tell her the truth. Its not going to be easy and expect tears etc but theres a danger you could end up resenting her later on in life and thats not fair on you both!
plus give her some credit she knows you 10yrs so she prob knows theres something up...

sbsquarepants

I think the mistake your making here is in assuming you SHOULD want to get married for whatever reason. Marriage is not for everyone, plain and simple, maybe it's just not for you?
It doesn't make you a bad person, there is a kind of expectation in some people that life should follow a preset course, you meet a girl, fall in love, get engaged, get married. But ask people why do these things and they often don't have a good answer or any answer, it's just what they think you should do.
Personally I would like to be married at some stage, but only at a time that's right for me, not just because i've been with someone a preset amount of time, or cos they want a big day out, or to suit either persons families or any number of the stupid reasons people get married. Engagement means absolutely nothing to me so i will most likely never be engaged as far as i'm concerned if you're going to promise to marry someone, why not just marry them?
Be yourself and if marriage is not right for you, don't enter into it. Doing it half hearted would only cheapen it and what would be the point in that?

CDfm

Here is something that may interest you by Mary Cleary who founded Amen and its a due dilligence checklist for men and women about their partners.

http://www.thatbitchbook.com/due_diligence.html

It was on line but they send them out by emails.

It sounds like you have nerves to me but who knows it might help if you wrote down your wants and needs.

Some people expect a glamourous Posh n'Becks style happy ever after relationship but that is unobtainable but happiness is.

Distorted

Well I admire people who are not afraid to be different and follow the slightly non-standard path. But I think you're also very lucky your girlfriend has stuck with you for so long. Not everyone thinks the same and a lot of women do want a bit of security in their lives. So be aware that your desire not to marry (which you don't really articulate and hence comes across as a little mysterious) might cost you your girlfriend, and also that the alternative to marriage isn't necessarily that great - another long term relationship ending the same way (if you're lucky), a series of unsatisfactory dates dwindling in number and quality as you get older (if you're not lucky). Maybe think about if you're happy being single if you don't want to take up this chance of marriage - you must be reasonably compatible with your girlfriend to have lasted that long and not have found someone else in that time.

Also be aware that not every woman who wants to get married wants children - but surely you must have discussed these things?

LegacyUser

I used to feel unsure about marriage like you. I felt that I was constantly hearing "when are ye going to get married". So I can understand where you're coming from. However I never felt pressurised into getting engaged when I wasn't ready.

I suppose I asked myself one day, can I see myself living "without" this person. I couldn't and then knew that the time was right for me.

I don't think you've reached that point yet, although you're the only one who can say that for sure.

You have time still hopefully....think this out carefully and try to be kind to everyone including yourself.

LegacyUser

I think i am in your girlfriends position. The person who has given every bit of herself to someone who isn't as sure about them. It is very hard to understand why if you love someone and say you want to be with them forever, why formalising this already given commitment is so difficult.
I love the guy i am with, with all my heart and soul, and have had disappointment after disappointment whilst all the while trying not to put pressure on him and let him figure out what he wants. However, it is my life too and our future together, that he is so unsure about, and that hurts.
Still you can only put off the inevitable conversation that is coming and the consequences of the conversation for so long. Probably better to face it head on. I'm sure your girlfriend knows. I certainly do. And although we are not engaged, there is very difficult times coming. I know I will have to be the one to raise this subject again, 'Put Pressure' on him. It is not pressure wanting to know where you stand. But just because i will be the one to initiate and brooch the subject that is how it will be perceived.
Women i think need to know! Even if that means not getting the happy ever after, there will be tears, anger and devastation. But eventually some understanding and maybe even recovery.

princeofparma

The thing is I cant see us ever getting married and I dont understand why, I want to be with her and I should want to marry her but something is just saying no but I still want her
Its hard to explain when I dont understand myself

The only person who can make the decision is you.
Nobody can tell you if you really want to marry her or not. Only you can answer that question.
What I can tell is that this is an either/or situation.
This woman obviously wants you to marry her.
You are not sure and you have to decide one way or another.
You have no way of knowing how this could pan out - you might make the worst mistake of your life or the greatest decision you ever made - whether it is marriage or telling her it's all off.
The bottom line is you must decide.
Make the decision before it is made for you.
Best of luck.

ynul31f47k6b59

confusedman wrote: »

I have a huge problem....I have been going out with a girl on and off for around ten years have been going out now straight for four years and we own a house together
Over the last few months she has been putting the pressure on to get engaged, she keeps asking how long, will it happen etc etc


The thing is I cant see us ever getting married and I dont understand why, I want to be with her and I should want to marry her but something is just saying no but I still want her
Its hard to explain when I dont understand myself

Can someone please help me I dont want to mess this up

There's no point in telling you that you shouldn't have proposed, I'm sure you know that yourself. What I'd like to know is, if you've been together for 10 years, why is it only the last few months that this has become an issue? Does she want children?

That's not to say you have to get married to have children - I've got a son with my OH and we're not married, we're together 7 years. I think my situation is a little different - although neither of us have an interest in getting married right now, we've often talked about it and we will do it one day. The part of your post that's worrying is the part I've underlined - can't you ever see yourself getting married?

This is hard to say, and I'm sure it's hard to read, but you seriously are not ready to get married and you need to tell your girlfriend ASAP. She is under the illusion now that you want this - come clean. How would she feel about a long engagement? Maybe you'll feel different in a year? Because you're setting yourself up for a life of unhappiness and an extremely bad marriage if you start it like this.

Best of luck, I really, really hope you get things sorted - but you seriously need to talk to her. If you've been with her for 10 years, you should be able to talk to her about anything. Good Luck.

You shouldn't propose if you're not ready. Remember a relationship is TWO PEOPLE. Not just her. Maybe you need to remind her of that. If what you're giving doesn't suit her maybe it's best for both of you if you split.

Wisco

Talk to your fiancee. If you're having doubts as serious as what you seem to be having, I'd have to say don't do it. And she may be unaware of your doubts, so you need to talk about it- she mightn't be so keen if she knows how you are feeling right now.
Marriage is a huge commitment, and speaking from experience, it's pretty hard to get out of, especially in Ireland.

bills

There is nothing wrong with not wanting to marry in general or not wanting to marry this girl.

However, you should not be misleading her. I would be more than a little annoyed if after 10 years & asking me to marry him, my boyfriend told me he did not want to marry me.

You need to tell her ASAP.

If you care at all, be honest with her & stop wasting her time.

Penny Dreadful

bills wrote: »

There is nothing wrong with not wanting to marry in general or not wanting to marry this girl.

However, you should not be misleading her. I would be more than a little annoyed if after 10 years & asking me to marry him, my boyfriend told me he did not want to marry me.

You need to tell her ASAP.

If you care at all, be honest with her & stop wasting her time.

Couldn't agree more.

Distorted

bills wrote: »

There is nothing wrong with not wanting to marry in general or not wanting to marry this girl.

However, you should not be misleading her. I would be more than a little annoyed if after 10 years & asking me to marry him, my boyfriend told me he did not want to marry me.

You need to tell her ASAP.

If you care at all, be honest with her & stop wasting her time.

Can I just add to this that while you seem to be getting everything out of this relationship that you want/need, your girlfriend clearly isn't, and in those circumstances it is selfish of you to seek to sting her along further in continuing it the way it is.

Penny Dreadful

Distorted wrote: »

Can I just add to this that while you seem to be getting everything out of this relationship that you want/need, your girlfriend clearly isn't, and in those circumstances it is selfish of you to seek to sting her along further in continuing it the way it is.

Thats exactly what happened to me. I was strung along for about 2 years and only when my ex's back was against the wall did he come clean.

Marriage isn't for everyone and there is nothing wrong with that but if one person wants and or needs it in their life and the other person doesn't but lies to the first person then that is wrong and deceitful.

The Corinthian

confusedman wrote: »

I have a huge problem....I have been going out with a girl on and off for around ten years have been going out now straight for four years and we own a house together

Its hard to explain when I dont understand myself

Marriage is a huge financial commitment for anyone, and statistically more-so for a man because the vast majority of the time it is a man who ends up shelling out if the marriage fails.

I think the most important thing you need to do is examine your reasons for your hesitation. It could be that you are not confident that it'll last in the long term. It could be simply a bit of the Peter Pan syndrome. It could be almost anything or even a combination of factors. Whatever it is, you probably need to think long and hard on your reasons before making any decision.

I would say this much however; regardless of whether the person you're with is in a committed marital or non-marital relationship, your first step is to examine it coldly in terms of a partnership rather than a romance.

I say this because that's what it will be in the long run - two people sharing both the obligations and reaping the benefits of a combined effort, and there seems to be far too much emphasis on 'attraction' and passionate 'love' with people today when they make the decision to commit.

To begin with, from the little information you've given, you've stated that your first six years was "on and off". Was this due to circumstances and life decisions or was it due to a fiery and volatile relationship? If so has it stabilized in the last four years or is the only reason you've remained together because you have a house together?

Does she have a career - a real one? By that, I mean does she love her job and is successful at it? Or is it something she just 'fell into' that pays the bills? The reason for asking this is that if it is the latter, she'll most likely leave it and stay at home in time if married - perhaps not straight away, but almost certainly once you have a child together and you will end up becoming the breadwinner.

This is not to say this this is a negative scenario, but you'd be surprised how many men end up in relationships only to be dumbfounded when this happens a few years down the road. So you need to feel you would be OK with this.

Similarly, if not and she will likely to be a career woman, you need to be OK with the fact that you won't have a traditional set-up either and that you will need to contribute to the homemaking equally (just as the financial burden of being the breadwinner can cause resentment in some men, the domestic burden - while also bringing in half the income - can cause resentment in some women).

Also, what does she bring to the relationship? This applies to anyone, male of female - all too often people are blinded or otherwise 'sold' the idea of a passionate relationship only to find themselves stuck with a flake they have to carry. Someone who is poor or useless either as a breadwinner or homemaker, leaving the other person to take on both roles.

Finally, I'd look at her mother too - because if you're in for the long haul, that's who you will be with physically in twenty years or so. Some people age well and other very badly, so you need to consider this too - taking into account you won't be a catch either by then.

These, and others, are all factors you need to consider so as to assess if your partnership together will last the distance, and if they don't add up you probably should not marry or even stay with her regardless of how much you 'love' her or are 'passionate' about her.

Whatever you decide though, you really should decide sooner rather than later. In large part, because you do owe it to her and it is unfair to leave her dangling just because you "don't understand" yourself. But also because, thanks to the new cohabitation bill, you will be as good as married (in terms of financial obligations) once you're living together for five years, which I suspect is not all that far away any more.

magneticimpulse

Marriage, really is just a legal document to officially say to banks and government that you 2 are officially going out together (ok people might think its more)...but its how I look on it.

Your relationship is not going to change or at least it should not change...you will not feel happier getting married, its not going to make everything better. It will not ease any cracks that already exist. So you've been with her 10 years...whats a legal document going to do to change all that? Why are you so freaked out by a legal document or status??

Can you not just talk to her? Surely if this is someone you got engaged to and after 10 years, you must be able to talk to her? Im sure she would rather know the truth and how you feel? I could understand someone in a 6 month relationship acting this way, but id imagine after 10 years, you should be able to be honest and open about your feelings with her.

Talk to her...let her know your concerns. Do you ever want to get married? Have children? Does she want children? Or where you see your future?

ManOfMystery

magneticimpulse wrote: »

Marriage, really is just a legal document to officially say to banks and government that you 2 are officially going out together (ok people might think its more)...but its how I look on it.

Your relationship is not going to change or at least it should not change...you will not feel happier getting married, its not going to make everything better. It will not ease any cracks that already exist. So you've been with her 10 years...whats a legal document going to do to change all that? Why are you so freaked out by a legal document or status??

What about the fact that it proves to the other person that you're making a lifelong commitment to be with them?

What about your kids growing up and wondering why mummy and daddy are just boyfriend and girlfriend, and the lack of stability this may bring to the family?

What about the fact that it's a special bond between the 2 people involved which makes their relationship more than just another boyfriend/girlfriend?

magneticimpulse

ManOfMystery wrote: »

What about the fact that it proves to the other person that you're making a lifelong commitment to be with them?

What about your kids growing up and wondering why mummy and daddy are just boyfriend and girlfriend, and the lack of stability this may bring to the family?

What about the fact that it's a special bond between the 2 people involved which makes their relationship more than just another boyfriend/girlfriend?

Yeah it does show that you are commited. But I think OP has already shown he is commited to this person by spending 10 years of his life with them?? He seems to love the girl, just scared by the word "marriage". OP is clearly not just in an ordinary boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. He has a partner.

Why should he conform to what everybody else does, just because what others might think? Hey next you be saying he should go out and pay 600,000 grand for a house thats worth nothing (but hey lots of people in Ireland are stuck into a rut about thinking what others might think and jumping into silly decissions).

In todays society, there are many kids who's parents have various status of relationships. Kids who have step brothers and sisters...I dont think being married means that the kids are going to be loved any less. Regardless of whether mammy and daddy are married or not.....all children should feel love by both parents. Mammy might have split up with Daddy etc, we dont live in an IDEAL world and therefore, if the OP did decide to have children, he should not feel any less of a parent due to his relationship status.

Point is....nobody should feel forced to do something they dont want to do because of pressures from society...which in its current state, is not a good example to follow anyway.

ManOfMystery

magneticimpulse wrote: »

Yeah it does show that you are commited. But I think OP has already shown he is commited to this person by spending 10 years of his life with them?? He seems to love the girl, just scared by the word "marriage". OP is clearly not just in an ordinary boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. He has a partner.

All people in relationships have a partner. Doesn't matter whether it's 1 year or 20 years, they are still essentially just boyfriend and girlfriend and this is likely the crux of the matter .... his girlfriend obviously wants more commitment than he is willing to provide.

One could argue that if he is with her for 10 years (and in your own words, shown his commitment) why doesn't he just marry her? It's this reluctance on his part to take the final step that is obviously making her question just how committed he is. And indeed, going by his first post in this thread, he's having doubts himself about his commitment.

Why should he conform to what everybody else does, just because what others might think? Hey next you be saying he should go out and pay 600,000 grand for a house thats worth nothing (but hey lots of people in Ireland are stuck into a rut about thinking what others might think and jumping into silly decissions).

I agree totally, you should never marry to confirm. However, the reasons I've posted above (more stable family structure, showing his partner how committed he is, etc) have nothing to do with conforming to society's standards so I don't know why you brought that up. The reasons I have posted are solely to do with the strength of his relationship with his partner and any future children they may have.

In todays society, there are many kids who's parents have various status of relationships. Kids who have step brothers and sisters...I dont think being married means that the kids are going to be loved any less. Regardless of whether mammy and daddy are married or not.....all children should feel love by both parents. Mammy might have split up with Daddy etc, we dont live in an IDEAL world and therefore, if the OP did decide to have children, he should not feel any less of a parent due to his relationship status.

Point is....nobody should feel forced to do something they dont want to do because of pressures from society...which in its current state, is not a good example to follow anyway.

You could also argue that today's society is a bit of a mess due to the gradual decline of the typical family structure. But that's a topic for another discussion.

He or his partner would not be any less of a parent. I'm simply thinking from the point of view of the children - down the line - that they may wonder why their 2 parents didn't get married. However if they're truly in love and it's a happy household, that won't be an issue I guess.

The Corinthian

ManOfMystery wrote: »

What about the fact that it proves to the other person that you're making a lifelong commitment to be with them?

That may have been true once apon a time, before no-fault divorce was available in Ireland, but it's no longer true. You are however making a lifelong commitment to be financially co-dependent on them, if that's any help.

What about your kids growing up and wondering why mummy and daddy are just boyfriend and girlfriend, and the lack of stability this may bring to the family?

It's something that mattered to our parents generation. Our own generation has a preference for children within wedlock, but given one third born today are not, it's no longer that big a deal. And given the number of children born out of marriage nowadays, I suspect it's already becoming largely a non-issue for our childrens' generation.

Personally, I think the bigger issue that will effect children now and in the future is not whether mummy and daddy are married, but if mummy and daddy are still together.

What about the fact that it's a special bond between the 2 people involved which makes their relationship more than just another boyfriend/girlfriend?

And? Sorry, but isn't that just a rewording of your first point?

Look, marriage has it's pros and cons. If it's for you, it's for you. If not, it's not. But it is a little insulting to insinuate that if not there's something 'wrong' with you or your relationship.

ManOfMystery

The Corinthian wrote: »

That may have been true once apon a time, before no-fault divorce was available in Ireland, but it's no longer true. You are however making a lifelong commitment to be financially co-dependent on them, if that's any help.

It's something that mattered to our parents generation. Our own generation has a preference for children within wedlock, but given one third born today are not, it's no longer that big a deal. And given the number of children born out of marriage nowadays, I suspect it's already becoming largely a non-issue for our childrens' generation.

Personally, I think the bigger issue that will effect children now and in the future is not whether mummy and daddy are married, but if mummy and daddy are still together.

And? Sorry, but isn't that just a rewording of your first point?

Look, marriage has it's pros and cons. If it's for you, it's for you. If not, it's not. But it is a little insulting to insinuate that if not there's something 'wrong' with you or your relationship.

I never insinuated (or stated) there was something wrong with not pursuing marriage. I am not married so I will happily see both sides of the argument - however I was responding to MagneticImpulse's post that marriage is nothing more than a legal document. Yes, there are legalities to it, but there's also a multitude of other good reasons for getting married.

But as you say - if it's for you, it's for you. Just highlighting some of the pros to counter the cons posted above.

The Corinthian

ManOfMystery wrote: »

I never insinuated (or stated) there was something wrong with not pursuing marriage.

Well, you kind of did when you placed marriage in the position of legitimizing a lifelong commitment to be together. Of couples I've known who are married or not and together for ten or twenty years at this stage, I've seen little difference in their level of commitment.

Of course, many of those who are not married but together for that long eventually do so, but in my experience this has without exception been for tax reasons.

My own principle problem with marriage is related to your first point, which is that its supposedly a lifelong commitment to be together. It's not, and unfortunately it's becoming not harder but easier to dissolve that commitment, leaving only the financial one unbroken.

magneticimpulse

ManOfMystery wrote: »

You could also argue that today's society is a bit of a mess due to the gradual decline of the typical family structure. But that's a topic for another discussion.

He or his partner would not be any less of a parent. I'm simply thinking from the point of view of the children - down the line - that they may wonder why their 2 parents didn't get married. However if they're truly in love and it's a happy household, that won't be an issue I guess.

Ive lived in Ireland, UK, USA and France. I was shocked in UK/USA to see people with lots of step brothers and sisters....parents married to step fathers or mothers. I do see Ireland is changing towards this.

On 1st impression, I thought France had it all...almost perfect. But then on closer inspection I saw cracks everywhere, a false front. In France the "family" unit is still very much centre point. However people are having affairs left right and centre. Because you know what, they might be married but they are extremely unhappy. I dont know of a friend in a happy marriage here in France.

I look back on the UK/USA Society and think...I feel respect for it. Because people gave relationships a go and it didnt work and moved on, they got married, didnt get married, had divorce whatever. People in general are then happy and most likely the children are happy because mammy and daddy are no longer unhappy.

I have a friend who was in a relationship for 10 years and split up. She bought a house with OH, 4 years on they cant sell it. Her advice was it is far easier in Ireland to get married, and get divorced then it is to buy a house and try and sell it....So maybe thats food for thought. If people think marriage is a huge commitment, they should think again.

The same friend is now engaged to someone else and has told me she doesnt want to have a Wedding. So is the OP scared of Marriage or the Wedding? If so, lots of my friends are not married for the pure simple fact they dont want to have the big typical Irish wedding. Most would just rather a small ceromony with 10 people....but hey no in Ireland thats not possible....its a culture of this cousin and uncle and auntie must be invite. My friend is dradding her wedding....she thinks its a waste of money the whole buying white dress, inviting loads people etc just for one day when you can spend the money elsewhere on more needed practicle things. So OP is this what is putting you off? Cost? The Wedding? How many guests? As all this can be daunting to lots of people

I urge OP to discuss his concerns with his OH.

deereidy

I'm sorry if this is overly harsh,but if you have to be pressured and cadjoled into a serious step in a relationship like this, maybe it just isnt meant to be. Unlike other stuff in life, I really think love is governed by gut feeling, and if something doesn't feel right to you or if you have doubts, don't do it. Everyone will be better off in the long run