tired of regrets

LegacyUser

I'm 28, male, and went through a lot of depression over the past 2 years because I realised i spent the best years of my life (mid-teens to mid-20s) being unhappy, just putting up with constant psychological bulling from my dad and a vague promise that things would get better.

I had no self confidence and it affected my ability to do things I wanted to do, or to do well at work. I've also never been in a proper relationship and feel genuinely confused by trust and intimacy.

It's my own fault for in a way for putting up with it. But I was living in it.. I just didn't realise an escape was possible. I never tested the limits as a teenager / young adult because of the disproportionate consequences and his constant presence and lack of privacy.

My mam used to hate conflict so she always ended up having a "quiet word" with me to make sure I knew my dad was only doing the best for me, or sometimes she'd repeat his lies (i.e. catastrophising) or just sobbing until my dad made sure I did things his way! So they were a horrible double act rather than good parents - even though my mam would do anything for me.

Each bout of depression was pretty bad and usually came to a head after I'd be drinking. e.g. wrote off my car drink driving, ended up with small scars on my face and arms after several drink-related accidents. I was not drinking alone.. this would be after a relatively good night out with friends, when I'd genuinely enjoy myself but by the end of the night I'd be on my own and my mind would drag up all this sh*t from the past.

But after each incident my life would get some sort of focus, and usually the depression would end. I'm honestly terrified it could happen again.

In the past year I kept my dad at arms length but now all the fighting has ended I realise that I've been left with very little.. all the threats and promises are gone, and I realise I could have been living my life during that time if only I'd been able to take a step back 10 years ago and say "wow, this is a ridiculous and unbearable situation.. I'm off!"

But now it feels like I'm still missing so much in life. I stopped despairing over that horrible time in my life. But I'm not sure if I am really enjoying life or just going through the motions. I've kept a job for 3 years and been good at it. It seems that instead of my alternating between happy and miserable I'm just plodding along. I don't want to wake up in 10 years time at 38 to be let in on another secret that I've missed out on another period of my life.

Hopefully that makes sense. Thanks for reading, and any advice would be appreciated.

dolphin city

you have your whole life in front of you- you say you are 28 - that might sound old to you but believe me you are only a baby - your 30's are probably the best decade in you life - you know who you are and what you want - you are independent and its a great time.

You still have TONS of life left - you are only beginning

Seems like drink doesn't agree with you - you tend to be a depressive drinker which some people are - ease up on it, and move on.

drink is a depressant anyway, even for happy drinkers.