my upbringing affecting relationship

LegacyUser

hi,

head is in a mess here, ive been going out with an amazing girl for near 2 years now. Everything is going great or nearly great. there is one underlying issue im battling with nearly every day, I can't help but feel not good enough and it stems from our family differences. Shes is from a very close knit community, everyone is freinds with everyone, she has a huge network of close friends, family is like the waltons, lots of siblings, i have one, everyone gets on, everyone visits everyone. her parents are so relaxed and brilliant, all the kids are doing well, weddings are basically huge with everyone in attendance. She always has family events, parties, dinners to attend to. I really like all this about her, im enjoying being part of it.

whereas for me, i have a handful of friends all of which are close, my parents seperated which caused huge ruptions in the family which led to me not knowing one complete side of the family and also my parents never made any effort to visit my aunts,uncles, cousins so i hardly know them, in affect i have no close extended family, i grew up with a dictator of a father who never allow friends into the house, basically ruled me with a tight fist, battered me emotionally and sometimes physically when he used to check my homework when i was younger, never supported anything i did.

I feel so resentful of my family since i started seeing my girlfriend, everything about her family and upbringing is the complete opposite to mine and i find it so hard to deal with, i have been to a lot of weddings with her and I can't help but think if that was our wedding i would have about 20 people on my side and 200 on hers. Its making me feel real insecure in that sense and i don't know how to cope with it, i love her to bits but i'm afraid one day she will think of this and decide she doesn't want part of it, basically id be embarrassed for her if it came down to wedding plans and i couldn't muster up a few people. its actually getting me down. What do i do about this? I know its a far off thing and we may not make it to that stage but still i cant stop worrying about it.

bambera

It's hard to let go of the past but you shouldn't let it ruin your life now.

Try and enjoy the fact that you've found all these people to have fun with and if you do decide to get married they'll be your family too (if they don't already feel like it already).

Everyone has different type of family situations so no one will look down on you (especially your girlfriend) for something that you didn't have much control over.

If you feel it's important, try to get in touch with your relatives and try start new relationships with them but not just for the sake of filling empty seats at a wedding that may or may not happen.

tenchi-fan

Hi
The fact you're in a relationship means you can leave your own dysfunctional family behind and start getting on with your future.

just try to appreciate the fact that she invited you into her family and enjoy it! And concentrate on building bridges with any family members (close or extended) who you do want in your life, and focus on making close friends.

As for wedding plans... if you love her enough to get married you should have no problems discussing your insecurities with her. Just explain to her you're not close to your family & hopefully she will suggest a smaller & more intimate wedding with fewer people. But that's a long way off.. you're getting stressed out over nothing.

AnonMous

I'm in the same boat as yourself mate. Well, almost, except I actually can't hold down a relationship because of some elements of my upbringing and how they have effected me. So, congratulations for doing that at least.

I have been in therapy for these reasons and I genuinely believe it helps enormously. I'd recommend it to anyone and you would be talking to someone who has a completely non judgmental attitude so it is alot easier.

I'm sure your girlfriend doesn't think any less of you because you have a different background so try not to worry about it or eventually it will drive a wedge between ye. Just enjoy each others company and keep the head up

LegacyUser

thanks for the replies,

i actually spent about 8 months in counselling about it and thought i got over it. But I guess the more exposed I become to my gfs family and friends the more I reflect on my own family affairs and the more resentful i become. my gf knows how i feel to some extent but i guess i havent revealed how deeply it troubles me. I've missed out on so much because of the way my parents were as people, its not something i ever thought about until i starting seeing my gf and now Im constantly comparing both sides and the shortcomings on my side. I suppose its a case of i didnt know any better at the time, but i do now and i hate them for it. im quite successful as a person in terms of work, i have good friends all be it a small few and I seem to come across friendly and i know my gf loves me. I guess it all stems from my parents and i can't stop hating them right now, maybe i should head back to counselling, i dunno.

seenitall

notGoodEnough wrote: »

thanks for the replies,

i actually spent about 8 months in counselling about it and thought i got over it. But I guess the more exposed I become to my gfs family and friends the more I reflect on my own family affairs and the more resentful i become. my gf knows how i feel to some extent but i guess i havent revealed how deeply it troubles me. I've missed out on so much because of the way my parents were as people, its not something i ever thought about until i starting seeing my gf and now Im constantly comparing both sides and the shortcomings on my side. I suppose its a case of i didnt know any better at the time, but i do now and i hate them for it. im quite successful as a person in terms of work, i have good friends all be it a small few and I seem to come across friendly and i know my gf loves me. I guess it all stems from my parents and i can't stop hating them right now, maybe i should head back to counselling, i dunno.

Been there, felt exactly the way you are feeling (still not fully resolved either), it is a stage in coming to terms with a crappy childhood.

Yes, more counselling is definitely indicated.

Best wishes.