Reasons for not getting engaged

LegacyUser

I need to go anon for this. My boyfriend and I have been together over a year, we're of an age where we want to get married and have a family and have discussed this-we are on the same page regarding that. Last week we went (at his suggestion) to look at rings. Naturally I was very happy and excited and selected a ring I loved, we did not buy it on the day as we agreed he would chose when and where to propose as a surprise. He is a wonderful boyfriend and I was walking on air after this (even though I am not very romantic).

Two days ago he said he was thinking about our financial situation and whether to buy a house for us (I own my house which is rented out as we live together). He then said that he was worried about his tax status in terms of stamp duty as a first time buyer if we got married and that this is a major concern.

I am very shocked as this is the first time he's brought this up. When we talked about our living situation before he was the one to suggesting renovating my house for us to live when the current lease is up and that it would be our home, even to the extent of getting an architect to draw up plans for an extention. Now he says he might reconsider getting married because of tax reasons? I don't understand how we can be looking at rings one week and he can be bringing up saving money on stamp duty by not getting married the next. I don't know where I stand and when I asked him about it, he said he had to consider his finances, why would he not think about money.

What should I do.

fakeaccent

Hi OP. Why not give it some time? You are only going out just over a year and marriage is a major financial committment. There is no need to rush getting engaged. Both of you need to go into this with your eyes open and know how it will affect you financially as a married couple.

Perhaps he jumped the gun talking about rings and is only now considering the financial implications. Give him some time to think about it and keep discussing it openly and frankly. You both need to state clearly what you want from the relationship and you need to both be heading in the same direction.

If it turns out that he has changed his mind and never wants marriage, and not getting married is a dealbreaker for you, I'm afraid that you may have to have that difficult conversation, because it will rear its head sooner or later.

trio

OP, don't over-react. He's quite right to have a think about it - I own a house and my fiance at the time thought about it too. Cos once he was married to me, it would change things if he ever wanted to buy a house.

We ultimately decided that since we wanted to get married soon enough - and we wouldn't have a deposit for a new house in the mean time, that we'd just live in mine and suck it up that his status would change.

If we were in less of a hurry and wanted to be engaged for a few years, I'd have encouraged him to go looking for houses as a first-time buyer I guess. It's just the savvy thing to do.

He's just now in "getting engaged" mode, which is a good thing. But a lot of men start to think about what that means for their tax status. It's just housekeeping. And when you think about it, it's sensible. Not very romantic, no - but these things are a reality after all!

Doesn't sound like he doesn't want to get engaged - quite the opposite in fact. But it does sound like he wants to see if there's anything to be squeezed out of being bracketed as "single" before he actually signs the Register. And that's fair enough!

Wipperspammer

IMO he's gone through a domino effect. Decided to take the plunge and get engaged and that's triggered off all the knock-on events this will have. Forking out for a ring is a pricey experience and he probably wasn't looking much beyond that but now he's opened the door into a whole new world - ring, house, wedding etc. He could be asking himself what has he signed up to financially. You could always suggest postponing the ring and going ahead with the renovations ....would money be an issue still I wonder. As a guy I wouldn't be looking at rings one week and then reconsidering the whole thing a week later. If I didnt want to marry the girl I just would have dodged the engagement in the first place.

LegacyUser

I am quite relieved reading the replies.
Actually he is a very "logical" person so maybe that is why he is thinking about the tax implications. He has the money for the ring, he was very clear that whatever I wanted I could have (even though I have picked one that is much less expensive than he thought I would want) so buying a ring is not an issue.

He has substantial savings and I think he would have bought a house had we not met and moved in. Maybe I am worrying too much and he is just thinking out loud about the finances. I love him very much so I don't want him to get cold feet.

LegacyUser

OP
I have been through something similar
Me and ex together for many years got to that age as you say - I had been harping on about rings etc and one day he rings me at work on a Friday to say we were going ring shopping the following day.
Was so excited, we looked at many rings and chose one together
he said it was just looking and nothing was set in stone (I was so bummed)
weeks went by and I was waiting and waiting, we had a trip booked to Rome and I was sure it would happen but NO - nothing, I actually cried on the flight home as I was sure I would come back engaged
By the time we arrived back to our place I was at boiling point I let it rip on him and we fought non stop for the following week when eventually he just proposed and it was awful and no very natural -
the engagement didn't feel right and I knew it was not a real proposal as I had a gun to his head - well we proceeded to book our wedding etc and a few months into it things were really weird I was walking on egg shell afraid the bubble would pop as I didn't really feel engaged
Sure enough he blurted out one day he didn't want to marry me and thought he would work through it if we got engaged but he didn't and we broke up -

Learn from my experience - let him do it his way - he knows you want to get married so go handy on him

Dont make my silly mistakes

Bide your time - I know how you feel OP

Its like giving candy to a child and taking it right back

LegacyUser

OP myself and my fiancee had the exact same concerns when it came to buying a house together. I had previously bought before meeting her and she was renting having never owned a property.

it's definitely something that should be taken into account and I wouldn't see it as him introducing stumbling blocks.

Look at it this way. If you were to wait until he has bought a house that will be your family home in the future and get married after this, the amount you would have otherwise paid on stamp duty would cover a fairly substantial wedding. Not suggesting you read it as that's what he has in mind! Just giving a bit of perspective

best of luck