Mother in law problem - Causing tension

loveisdivine

Hi,

I have been with my partner for about a year and a half. I moved from England to live here in Dublin with him. Up until a few weeks ago we were living with is mother.
She has always been every dependant on my partner, her son, since he got a car. His father died 9 years ago and she has a boyfriend now. She used to rely on him to collect her from work, take her shopping, take her to see friends, take her to weightwatchers, put credit on her phone, cook all the meals etc. But when I moved in she had to become a little more independent, for instance I needed the car to get to and from my work and there is no bus, she didnt like this even though the bus stops right outside her walk, and its a 10 minute walk when she gets off to the house.

We have now moved out and little has changed. She rings and texts asking for lifts to places, she even inivited him out for lunch last week, then while they were out she asked to be given a lift somewhere else. She did the same thing this week, and when we suggested going a different day she made up some excuse as to why it had to be the day she suggested. Basically she wanted a lift to weightwatchers again.
She has another son that lives close, but apparently she cant ask him to do these things as he has a baby. I understand this but also think that just because we dont have children it doesnt mean we dont deserve the same privacy and respect that he gets.

When we initially told her we were moving out, she got very angry and called me a brainwasher, and said that her son had "changed big time" this is totally untrue, my OH couldnt wait to move out to get away from her constant hassling.

She arranged to go to her other sons this evening, but has rang to see if my OH will pick her up and take her there! Of course he said no, but thats not the point, she shouldnt put the responsibility on him all the time to be her taxi.

I want to write a letter to her explaining how this makes me feel, and how I dont think its right to treat her son this way. He has tried to tell her that he has his own life now, and if she makes plans to go somewhere, its not up to him to drop everything and take her, but she just tuts and says "what else would you be doing?"

Is it morally OK for me to write her a letter, I think it is but wanted another opinion.

Thanks

Penn

To be honest, I don't think it really would be right of you to write the letter. Its up to your boyfriend. Anything you say will make your relationship with her far worse, and could make things difficult in the long run.

Your boyfriend has already told her not to rely on him for lifts. Now its up to him to follow through with it. Give her a lift if its something important, but if not, telling her you have other plans will mean she'll have to start getting her lifts elsewhere. Gradually, this should make her realise that she needs to be more self sufficient and not just presume he'll be there to give her a lift.

I think a letter from you would only agrivate things though. She is his mother. Its up to him to deal with it.

Ickle Magoo

To be honest, your issue isn't with your mother-in-law, it's with your partner and his inability to give his mother the boundaries you want. If anything is to change then it needs to come from your partner because it's what he wants - I don't think you have any right to demand he stops doing things with his mother or for his mother if he doesn't want to. If he does then he's going to have to have a serious chat to her about it and lay down some proper boundaries.

I appreciate it affects you but it's not her doing it to you, it's your partner allowing her to - you have to keep that in mind. I think writing a letter dictating what the relationship and boundaries between mother and son should be to suit yourself is a recipe for disaster.

Best of luck.

loveisdivine

Thanks, I understand what you're both saying.

The idea of telling her we/he have other plans is good, and we have tried it but she then tries to fit her things in around them. For instance, she wanted to go for lunch and then get a lift to and from weightwatchers yesterday, the OH said no thanks, Im going to play football. Her first response was "Well we can go after that" he said, no cos he would want to go home and shower and such. This still wasnt enough though as she then suggested "Well bring clothes to football with and come and shower here afterwards and then we can go". In the end he just ended up ignoring the responses because she obviously wasnt getting the message.

I know that he should be the one that speaks to her, its just hard for me when I have to sit and listen to him give out about how he wishes she would stop hassling him. Also he sometimes complains that he doesnt have enough time to relax and do things he enjoys in his spare time, because he does so much for her. I get cross because he complains to me about it but then when she asks for something again he goes and does it.

I worry for the future. Surely if we/he does not set some boundaries things will just get worse. She has no respect for us as a couple.

niceoneted

Can she drive herself and if so can she buy a little run around. If not why not get her lessons. My elderly neighbour learned how to drive and pass her test after her husband passed.
How far is it from her house to Weightwatchers. Maybe if she walked she wouldn't have to go for as long as she'd be getting exercise.
Can your partner say to her I cannot do it but I'll ring 'brother' and see if he can do it. Then ring the brother and ask him can he take the mother.
Stop answering the phone as often.
Perhaps offer to bring her shopping and as another said to important things.

coolcat63

TBH, unless massive distances are involved, I don't see the issue with giving her a lift to WW or wherever once or twice a week. It's not as if she's monopolising him all the time. Perhaps if he agreed to do the WW lift and shopping once a week you could organise your lives around this?

I also think offering to help her to learn to drive is a great idea although this will take up more of your partner's time initially and, if/when she gets her own car, you might find her coming to visit far more often so a double-edged sword!

Elle Collins

loveisdivine wrote: »

Is it morally OK for me to write her a letter, I think it is but wanted another opinion.

Mother of God, no way. It's not up to you to be writing his mother any letters. If there's anything that needs to be said he needs to be the one saying it.

I think you also need to consider that this woman is the person who brought him into this world. She was around loooooooooong before you were honey, and should you and he split up, she'll be around long after you're gone too.

If you really do want to make this relationship work you need to butt out of their business. This is between mother and son and if you go poking your nose in you'll find yourself blackballed by his mother in a very major way, which can only have hugely negative consequences for your relationship.

loveisdivine

She cannot drive, but she is talking about learning. We wouldnt get her lessons, as she has alot of money! So doesnt need our help financially.

Weightwatchers is about 20 minutes walk away. She has walked it before, once I think, but refuses too now.

We have agreed that when we do our weekly shop, we will pick her up and bring her with us. Even though superquinn is closer than weightwatchers so she could easily go herself.

We wouldnt be able to ring the brother, she would get mad. When we have suggested to her about asking him she just makes excuses for him.

What makes me so cross is that if its not done for her it just wont get done at all. We cut the grass for her about a week or two before we went on holiday, but she made us come back to cut it again a few days before we went so it wouldnt get too long while we away! Obviously her cutting it herself wasnt an option. If she wants something from the shop and we say we cant take her, she just wont bother going and will go without what she wanted.

She is not that old, early 50's. And she manages to go on numerous holidays each year with friends and go out every weekend with her boyfriend and friends.

Can I also just make clear, for the person that said I'm butting into their relationship. My OH does not really like his mother. He doesnt want to spend time with her because he tells me its awkward and boring. He is sick of being treated like a lacky, when his brother is treated like a prince. He tries to tell her this but she just guilt trips him. She burst into tears numerous times when we discussed moving out. Asking him to come back and stay once a week. He is 25 years old for god sake.
Putting this kind of emotional pressure on your own son is wrong.

Penn

Why can't her boyfriend help out more if you don't mind me asking?

Elle Collins

loveisdivine wrote: »

Can I also just make clear, for the person that said I'm butting into their relationship. My OH does not really like his mother. He doesnt want to spend time with her because he tells me its awkward and boring.

You know what loveisdivine, when I'm trying the judge the moral worth of a man I meet here's what I do: I watch the way he treats his mother.

loveisdivine wrote: »

Putting this kind of emotional pressure on your own son is wrong.

You need to stop interfering in what's going on between this woman and her son. The fact that you are currently in a relationship with her son does not make her relationship with him any of your business. It is not up to you to judge what's going on between them as right or wrong. That's his decision to make, not yours.

If he feels any of her behaviour is uncalled for or inappropriate that's for him to sort out, not you. Basically he needs to grow a pair, and you need to mind your own business.

loveisdivine

paddyirishman85 wrote: »

Why can't her boyfriend help out more if you don't mind me asking?

He doesnt drive either.

Elle Collins - So the next time he complains to me about what she does I should just say "Sorry not my business" or should I just sit there and listen and then say "Yeah its tough, but what can you do!"

Would it be easy for you to see someone you love be treated badly, and be unhappy because they are used for lifts etc but then ditched at dinner when the brother comes along with a better offer?

My OH and I think of ourselves as a team and we solve our problems together. I am trying to think of a way to help, because when he tries to set her straight on things he gets emotionally blackmailed into putting himself out to please her.

Beruthiel

loveisdivine wrote: »

I want to write a letter to her explaining how this makes me feel, and how I dont think its right to treat her son this way.

Under no circumstances do this.
Instead, sit your b/f down and explain what you said above in detail.

If his mother still works then she is a capable woman who has had too much time alone with her son and has been using him as a crutch and a personal butler.
Then suddenly, this girl comes along and has the cheek to take him away from her.
Did she think he would be there till the day she dies at her beck and call?
She is well able to take care of herself. Let her start.

This is totally down to your b/f and it is he who has to put a stop to it.
He has quit running to her everytime she snaps her fingers.
Let her buy a car.
My mother learned to drive and passed her driving test first time, well into her sixties!

What makes me so cross is that if its not done for her it just wont get done at all.

And how is that your problem?
If she doesn't want to move her arse, then that's down to her and her laziness. It is not your b/f's problem and her projecting it onto him as such, is passive agressive behaviour.
Tell your b/f to stop enabling her.

Beruthiel

loveisdivine wrote: »

he gets emotionally blackmailed into putting himself out to please her.

That's where he's got to become tough. She's playing with him. He should point it straight out to her.

Neyite

gonna be blunt here. Do Not write any letter. it will be the biggest mistake you will make.

why dont you drive her here or there - if she knows its probably you driving, (since your OH is too busy) she may see the other brother is not too busy after all

you are going out with your OH only a year and a half. thats not long at all, and she certainly does not see herself as your mother-in-law. you are not family to her, just a girl who is going out with her son and has turned her life upside down now he has moved out, and left her without transport.

nobody here is saying you cant be supportive of your OH. you can be supportive and encouraging without waging war on his mother. she will forgive her son but she will never forgive you.
you say she blames you for brainwashing her son. chances are until you moved in, he went along with what his mother asked for the quiet life, now he has to put his foot down and say no to her.

if you are serious about your OH, i would suggest you build bridges instead of burning them.

How Strange

+1 this is something only your bf can sort out.

Honestly how emasculated would he feel to know that his gf is telling his mother off for taking advantage of him.

The next time he gets annoyed tell him the only person who can change this pattern of behaviour is him. He has to stand up to his mam and say 'no I can't do x, y or z for you at this time'. Then he has to stand his ground no matter how much she pleads.

The absolute worst thing you can do is get personally involved in this. If you honestly see a future with your bf then you have to accept his mother is part of it so starting world war 3 would be a very foolish thing to do.

Beruthiel

Neyite wrote: »

why dont you drive her here or there

Why should she have to? Serious question.
We're not talking about some frail, 80 year old woman here who can't get around.
We are talking about a woman who works for a living and has herself a b/f. She's only in her 50's and clearly capable. I think her behaviour towards her son is shocking.
If I tried that kind of carry on with my 22 year old daughter, she'd put me in my place sharpish. She has no problem helping me out, but she's not my servant, nor would I treat her like one.

Neyite

i should have been clearer, apologies. what i mean is:

his mother does not like her. so if, when she rings for a lift, and OP drives her, saying Son is at football/making dinner etc which the Mother will hate. do this for a couple of weeks and she just might ask other people for lifts instead.

OP looks helpful and nice. and p!sses the mother off in the process.;)

tinkerbell

Do not write a letter. Your boyfriend has to be the one who puts a stop to this behaviour. He needs to quit moaning about it, man up and speak up for himself. He's being treated like a servant. And until he tells her that she has to fend for herself, then this will never end.

loveisdivine

Thank you for the last few posts, its nice to have a few poeple who can see my side of things.

I do realise that this is not my fight and yes I probably shouldnt write a letter. Its just when I had some major problems with my mother that I couldnt deal with myself, all I wanted in the world was for someone else to come along and tell her just how badly she was behaving. Almost as if hearing from someone else would make her realise what she was doing was wrong.
But I guess its not for me to be that person in this case.

Dont get me wrong, we do take her places, thats why on the occasional time we say no she kicks up such a fuss, because she is not used to hearing the word no. And we have agreed to take her shopping with us every week.

Beruthiel - You are right, before I came along it was just the 2 of them living together, and he went along with everything because it was easier than saying no and listening to her moan for hours.

Like I said, Im concerned for the future. Because there will come a day when she is too old and frail to do stuff for herself and she will need her help. We will have spent so many years helping her that we will never be free of it, even for a few years.

I am very serious about my partner, we know that we will get married and one day have children.
We may have only been together a year and a half or so, but I moved to a different country, and left my family, friends and work behind for this man. I wouldnt have done that if we were not both entirely certain and serious about each other.

LegacyUser

loveisdivine wrote: »

........ but she made us come back to cut it again .......... .. If she wants something from the shop and we say we cant take her, she just wont bother going and will go without what she wanted.

She is not that old, early 50's

a. She can't make you do anything. Just refuse to do it or give her the name of a local gardener. Unless of course you want to help out sometimes (I water flowers for my dad when he's on holidays & cut his grass).

b. early 50s! I thought she was in her 70s and that was the reason she wouldn't walk. Tell her to make her own way wither walking or cycling or on the bus. Flipping 'eck.

Neyite

dont get me wrong, i have the utmost sympathy for you, but i do really think that if you get directly involved it will hang over your head for the rest of your life.

it sounds like when her husband died, her sons took over looking after her and its a 9 year habit/routine she is reluctant to break. maybe she will mellow in time, but maybe the changes are a bit sudden.

if she does without, when you cant take her places, its not your problem. she is, after all a grown woman.

just as a side note, my sister in law wrote my mother a letter when she first clashed with her. my mother has long forgiven my brother for his part in the argument, but has still kept the letter 20 years on, and its a reminder of something she will not forgive my sister in law for. - commit nothing to writing. it is permanent.

loveisdivine

I thought that it must have started when the father died but apparently not. Obviously she did become more dependent on them but my OH says it genuinely only started when he got a car.
Before she would get a taxi to the shops and such, now when we suggest that she cant understand why she should when we are supposedly available with a car.

She must just be having trouble getting used to the changes.

Next week will be interesting though. She works at a school so she has been off up until next week. The OH has been collecting her from her house to take her to weighwatchers, which is about 15 minutes away. However she is fully expecting that when she goes back to work next week, he will be there waiting for her when she finishes work, ready to take her to weightwatchers. Her work is at least a half hour drive, more if the traffic is bad, then he would have to wait for her outside weightwatchers and then take her home.
He has said he wont be doing it, but I just know she will manipulate him into it.

username123

OP - it HAS to come from him. And yes, if he complains to you about it you SHOULD say 'not my problem'. He is whinging about how the situation is with his mother, yet he does nothing to change it!!

Now I appreciate that it drives you mad and youd want to put her in her place with a letter etc....but its not your place to - its his. If HE wants to write her a letter let him, encourage him, help him write it - but not you.

As far as emotional blackmail goes - it only works if you allow it to. So if he stands up for himself, it will stop. But you cant stand up for him. There is being a team and there is being a domineering partner and sticking your nose into your partners relationship with his mother - a relationship that was going on long before you came along. It really isnt your business to interfere at all, but its perfectly understandable why you want to.

I think youd be best to focus your energies on how YOU behave in this whole situation - the only person you can change is yourself, so look at how you behave when (for example) your partner comes home and gives out about his mother wanting him to give her a lift here or there, maybe if you changed how you react to that, he might change how he reacts to his mother. If he sees that he no longer has your support through him giving out about it, he might actually change the situation so he no longer has to give out about it - you know what I mean?

Big Bag of Chips

Your boyfriend needs to learn to say "No".

Nothing else, just "No".
Or even "No, I can't tonight".

He doesn't have to explain himself, he doesn't have to give reasons, we all have the right to say "no" if we don't want to do something, it's just some of us aren't very good at exercising the right!

Get him to practice on you. Ask him to do something and get him to say "no" - without going into an explanation! From what I gather, the exchanges are sometimes by text. That makes it easier.. a short text reply, "Sorry I can't tonight. Talk to you later."

He doesn't need to be nasty, he doesn't need to argue, he just needs to be firm - and mean what he says!

And you don't need to be involved!

gossipgal08

Dont write the letter OP. As the other person pointed out it will be draged up at every chance.

There is one simple answer. Caller ID. You both have it on your mobiles and can get it for a landline. Stop answering her calls

the gob

Elle Collins wrote: »

Mother of God, no way. It's not up to you to be writing his mother any letters. If there's anything that needs to be said he needs to be the one saying it.

I think you also need to consider that this woman is the person who brought him into this world. She was around loooooooooong before you were honey, and should you and he split up, she'll be around long after you're gone too.

If you really do want to make this relationship work you need to butt out of their business. This is between mother and son and if you go poking your nose in you'll find yourself blackballed by his mother in a very major way, which can only have hugely negative consequences for your relationship.

what a load of rubbish!!

op lives with him and may someday be his wife everything about him
is her business. op is concerned for her partners well being and you want
her to ignore his selfish manipulative mother.

op will be around looooooong after shes dead!!

shes his mother NOT his owner.

dont give in op tell your partner to put an end to this or you will cos
she is affecting your life aswell- you are a COUPLE-

treat this selfish woman with the same contempt she has for you and her
slave (i mean son)

dashboard_hula

Hi OP,

I have been in a similar situation, and the one thing I want to say is that if your blood is absolutely boiling lately...that's natural. Mine did too. I'd say it's absolutely wrecking your face that your partner is being treated/allowing himself to be treated in such a manner. I'd say you're p!ssed off with him as well as her because he's allowing himself to be pushed around, and used by his Mum, however manages it in a passive aggressive manner by giving out to you about it. I can understand how your urge is probably to take the bull by the horns, get down to business and sort this sh!t out so that you can both get on with your lives.

In saying that, it really isn't your responsibility nor is it your place to do that. It's your OH's. He needs to be the one to turn around to his Mum and go "I am not available. End of." And if necessary, deal with the flack, which won't last forever. He's got a toxic parent, and he's got to deal with it. In the end, if he deals with it, then the issue is sorted, however long it takes, and however irritating the situation is. However if you deal with it, then you're seen as the blow-in who's stealing her precious boy, who happens to be her personal chauffeur (sp?).

Best of luck with it, I hope it goes well, and I'd like to know how you get on

loveisdivine

Again, thanks for all the replies.

Bit of an update - I mentioned that she had asked if we could pick her up and take her to her other sons cos she was going for dinner, we were not invited though, just needed to be the taxi. Anyway, OH said no and left it at that.
Yesterday she arrived in the shop he works at to do some shopping for her other son, even though she cant manage to do it for herself. Apparently their having money troubles so she must be trying to help them out. She hassled him while he was working all the way round the shop to take her there, but he stood his ground and said no and guess what? She got the bus!!

This just proves she ismore than capable of doing things for herself, she'd just rather not cos its easier if someone else does them.

tinkerbell

^^ Your OH definitely needs to start standing up to her so more and saying NO. She quite clearly can manage, she's just being lazy and taking your OH for granted.

loveisdivine

Well things havent changed much since my original posts.

Obviously its not quite as intense because were not under the same roof, but its still causing me tension.

The nasty phonecalls have continued, calling me a blackmailer and accusing me of trying to stop my OH from even talking to her and apparently I tell him not to tell her what he work hours are?!?! Which is obviously total BS.

She has started ringing up every week or so and asking to come for dinner, which isnt really a problem, I mean it would be nice if she just waited to be invited but its not the end of the world that she asks.
However what is a problem is that she rings OH and asks to come over for dinner and he just agrees to whatever day she asks for and doesnt even consult me, I just get a text saying she is coming over on so and so day.
I find this incredibly rude, we live in our house together as a couple so I should be consulted on when people come round for dinner. If he were going to her house then obviously it wouldnt be any of my business but as she is coming here then I feel it is my business.

I'm starting to get cross with OH too as whenever I approach the subject and ask him to at least consult me on these things, he acts like I'm putting him in the middle and like I'm being awkward.
Its like its ok for her to ring, give loads of abuse and slag me off to him, then a few days later ring and ask to come over for dinner and act like nothings happened. But as soon as I even question anything, or ask to be treated with respect then I'm the bad guy.

I am dreading christmas. I have said that I would like to go and see his mum in the morning for a few hours and then give her a lift to his brothers (thats where she will want to be as they have kids) and then we can have our dinner and evening to ourselves, as neither of us will want to be driving people around all day as we would like to have a drink with our dinner.
But I just know she is going to make demands and he will give in and we will have to do whatever she wants.
I dont get to see my family at christmas as I dont get much time off and flights are expensive, I would just like to spend some of the day doing my familys traditions etc as I dont get to be with them.

God I wish I wasnt so stressed about this!!

Oh and surprise surprise he is still ferrying her to and from weightwatchers everyweek even though we dont live there anymore, and she still keeps asking us to pick her up and take her to her other sons when she is invited round there for dinner. We are not invited, we are just asked to be the taxi service.

Big Bag of Chips

loveisdevine.. I can sense the frustration and pent up anger in your post.. and you know what.. it's doing you no good.

There's nothing you can do about it. He obviously wants to bring her places, or maybe rather than he wants to do things for her, it's more likely that he doesn't want to say "no".

Either way - it's HIS decision. I think you are overreacting to the wanting to be consulted on when she's calling over too. Of course if there is a chance you have something on, and are going to have to chaneg plans then you should be consulted, but if you're going to be at home anyway - I don't see why it's such an issue for you. My mother and father would call here sometimes - I don't ever ok it with my husband! His mother and father have come to stay with us a few times, he didn't check with me first, he just told me when they would be here!

I think because you have so much anger built up inside you towards her that everything does is now becoming a big deal for you - even small things that in normal circumstances wouldn't bother you.

Do you know what I'm trying to say?

And I do think your OH is more annoyed with you, because you're the one making all the fuss! (Sorry to say it!) His mother asks him to do something - for whatever reason, he doesn't say no to her - and then he has you in his ear giving out about it all the time.

It's time to make a decision OP - you either put up, or you move on. Because I don't think the situation is going to change. Your OH needs to change it - if he doesn't, then you can't.

Beruthiel

loveisdivine wrote: »

However what is a problem is that she rings OH and asks to come over for dinner and he just agrees to whatever day she asks for and doesnt even consult me, I just get a text saying she is coming over on so and so day.
I find this incredibly rude

I just wouldn't allow that to happen. Clearly you are a soft touch or he would know not to just do that without consulting with you first.
I would tell him straight out that I won't be cooking that day and he's welcome to have her over if he intends to provide the meal.
Mean what you say.
Next time, he will call you first and ask you if you are available to cook dinner that day.

I love to cook myself. But I expect notice so that I can have the correct ingredients in the house.
Were someone to arrive on my doorstep without prior warning I'd be more than pissed.
I only buy food that is going to be eaten that week. There isn't extra just lying around on the off chance someone might turn up for dinner.

I'm starting to get cross with OH too as whenever I approach the subject and ask him to at least consult me on these things, he acts like I'm putting him in the middle and like I'm being awkward.

B/S. It is very easy for him to say the following when she asks to come over for dinner:

"I'll just check if loveisdivine is able to make that day and get back to you when I know"

That is certainly not difficult to do and is more than acceptable.
Insist he does that next time.

he is still ferrying her to and from weightwatchers everyweek even though we dont live there anymore, and she still keeps asking us to pick her up and take her to her other sons when she is invited round there for dinner. We are not invited, we are just asked to be the taxi service.

You know, this is your b/f problem.
She is taking advantage because he is allowing her to.
He could easily tell her he's busy, his brother can collect her, she can catch a taxi.
He just hasn't the back bone to do it.

astra2000

Hi op I do sympathise with you to a point but I have to be honest here and say that it does dound as if you are more bothered by this than your other half is. It doesnt sound as if ye are both singing off hte same hymm sheet to be honest.
Firstly it is not ok that she should be able to call you up and make nasty calls to you, you need to stop answering ant calls from her on your phone if its important she will leave a message. If she is badmouthing you to your bf then he needs to take control and put a stop to it.
As regards the lifts you both need to decide what is acceptable I personally dont see any harm in helping her out to a point she is his mother and she did let ye live with her please dont forget that now ye have moved on.
I would discuss at the beginning of each week what ye have on and should she require lifts/invites to dinner, your bf will then know what days suit and wheather he is free on a particular day or if there are other plans met. sometimes we women have plans in our heads and think our men should automatically know about them! Decide what things ye are prepared to do and she will eventually get used to finding alternative solutions. Ifind it hard to see why your bf needs to pick her up and drop her off at his brothers house having a baby is no real excuse I would be unavailable next time she asks for that one.
To be honest if you and bf dont reach some sort of compromise that ye are both happy with this could start causing serious problems and you are better off to stop argueing and find a solution sooner rather than later.
Also you need to stop fooling yourself that your bf does not like his mother, sure he wanted to move out but no one wants to live at home forever and she probably does drive him around the twist, but she is his mother be careful or you may end up been the loser in all of this.

OS119

Hi OP,

given your update its pretty clear where you sit in the pecking order - having people round for dinner without the courtesy of checking with you first, allowing them to slag you down without stamping on their toes, honking off at you for having the temerity to hold him to his word - these are all signs of you not being number one, or i'd suggest, even in the top 5.

he has this golden opportunity by moving in with you and being some distance from all these arrangements to cut the strings which he claims he doesn't like, yet he fails to cut them - personally thats an indication that he's not going to.

if it were me i'd walk away, i could not accept not being (after our kids) the person who's owed most loyalty to, and who's happiness was most important. being married - or living together as a form of commitment - is about hitching your wagon to one person, through thick or thin, to be as one, indivisable and inalienable. it doesn't mean being together the whole time, or not having seperate friends and hobbies, or always holidaying together, but it does mean not being the shag-piece/skivvy while he sorts out his perfectly capable mum and idle brother.

if his loyalties really do lie with his mum, then perhaps he should be with her (in a non-biblical sense!) and not with you.

Chicago Chick

To be honest OP it really sounds like you need to sort this out with your OH rather than his mother. While I do understand that what has happened is annoying it seems that because it was left to simmer that everything the woman does is annoying you. Apologies if I am taking you up wrong.

I do understand that you do not want your OH to have to run about after his mother the whole time but if he is prepared to there isn't a lot you can do about it, unfortunately he has to be the one to stand up to her.

In relation to the coming for dinner every week, my inlaws often arrive in the evening when we are ready to sit down to dinner to see our baby as do my own parents. They hardly ever ring but I would never ever question my husbands parents visiting as it is his house too. I know others may not agree but I have learned to just let it float over my head. I will offer them a drink or something to eat as I would for anyone else and then go about things as usual. I just don't let it bother me.

Really I think that there will always be an element of his mother being over involved by the looks of things and while you can not let her take over your life there has to be some acceptance of this as your OH doesn't seem to be able to deal with her. I really do hope it all works out for you.

loveisdivine

I understand what everyone is saying.
I have tried to be more relaxed, and let stuff go over my head. I dont like that he picks her up and takes her places that she can get to herself, but I let him get on with it cos its his choice.
I dont like that she rings up and asks "when are you going to have me over for dinner" I would prefer that she wait to be invited, but I've put that to one side and asked to simply be consulted on what day etc.

Maybe I wouldnt mind so much if it wasnt for the fact that she says these horrible things about me, and rings my OH to tell him how bad I am for him, then comes round for dinner and acts like nothing has happened.

Thats what angers me, how can they both just sit there pretending everythings fine when only a few days ago she was slagging me and telling OH that he has "changed big time".

I mean he got in trouble the other week for not getting her an anniversary present, which does sound like a bad thing, until you take into account her husband(OH dad) has been passed away for 8 years and she has had several boyfriends since then and is currently seeing someone!
Thats how unreasonable she is.

To be honest things were not going too bad until the recent phone calls. I didnt mind her inviting herself over for dinner and whatever because at least she was being polite to me and OH.

My Dad is very independant so I guess I'm just not used to someone being so dependant on their child.

oh and in reply to Chicagochick, we dont even have the luxury of her popping round herself, we have to pick her up and take her home too.

astra2000

loveisdivine wrote: »

I mean he got in trouble the other week for not getting her an anniversary present, which does sound like a bad thing, until you take into account her husband(OH dad) has been passed away for 8 years and she has had several boyfriends since then and is currently seeing someone!
Thats how unreasonable she is.
.[/QUOTE

Oh bonkers:eek: that gave me such a laugh. To be honest op you need to sort things with bf, if he doesnt set ground rules and allows her to badmouth you its not good enough.

iguana

loveisdivine wrote: »

I dont like that she rings up and asks "when are you going to have me over for dinner" I would prefer that she wait to be invited,

I know you are probably loathe to have her over at all but why not start pre-empting her? Next time she is over for dinner settle a date for her next visit during the meal. That way you gain some control without being the bad guy.

ppink

OP if i were you I would be seriously asking if this is what I want for the rest of my life. Your OH sounds completely spineless, he sees no issue in MIL slagging you and that is a problem. If your own partner is not at your back then who is?
If you intend to stick it out then get in first and say to him to arrange his mother to come over for dinner say Friday/Sat...whatever day suits YOU. Then that is it set! You do the inviting from then on and if she asks to come over any other time have an excuse for her day but ask her on your day. Eventually she will get the message and what can she say about that;).
it is hard to relax about it and your OH's response to it all is not helping you thats for sure.
Picking her up and takeing her home is actually a bonus OP, at least she cannot descend on you whenever she feels like it.
LOL the anniversery.....wow!!

tinkerbell

OP, at this stage I wouldn't even bother to be civil towards that cow. She is treating you like crap and your boyfriend allows it to happen. There is NO WAY I would have anyone at my house for dinner who was badmouthing me. It doesn't matter whose mother she is - she is rude, ignorant and a horrible person to you, and you should not have to put up with that. And I would be seriously annoyed if someone just turned up on my doorstep and expected dinner. I, like every other reasonable person who plans their meals during the week, have a certain amount of ingredients per meal for each night that week - it is totally unfair to be expected to just whip something up at a moment's notice.

You seriously need to stand up for yourself. Tell your OH that you are not cooking dinner for his mother anymore until she starts respecting you, and that unless she starts respecting you then she is not welcome in your home. It is your home too, not just his. And OP, if your boyfriend is this much of a pushover to his mammy, I mean can you honestly see this lasting? Your living together now so I am assuming you are serious about each other. Can you ever see him putting YOUR feelings first?

And as for the anniversary present - err what? She is nuts! She expects an anniversary present from her son and her husband passed away 8 years ago, yet she has had multiple boyfriends since then? Is she off her rocker? If I was your boyfriend and she said that to me I would be telling her where to go, that is ridiculous!

OP, you need to stand up for yourself now. The longer you let this go on, the worse it is going to get. Do not let that vile woman into your house unless she respects you. If your boyfriend wants to see her, well let him go to her house. But if it were me, I would not let her into my house if she was talking crap about me the whole time.

ztoical

loveisdivine wrote: »

I mean he got in trouble the other week for not getting her an anniversary present, which does sound like a bad thing, until you take into account her husband(OH dad) has been passed away for 8 years and she has had several boyfriends since then and is currently seeing someone!
Thats how unreasonable she is.

OP while I agree with alot of posters that she doesn't sound like a very nice person I would strongly advise not to bring this issue up with her or your OH. While it might seem mad to you and others, 8 years is not that long for some people and it may be the case that she was more upset he forgot as she saw it as he had forgot about his dad. A parent dieing is very different to a parent leaving and just because she has had boyfriends since the father passed away does not mean she doesn't miss her husband or that she has moved on. I'm not defending her actions in any of the other matters but just saying to focus on the main issues like slagging you off and showing up for diner etc and speak to your OH about dealing with those.

Taltos

I am with all the others here.
The issue is not so much something you can resolve with this woman - but is more an issue for you and your OH.

In terms of the anniv - that is just noise - ignore it. Some people love attention - and she is screaming to be the centre...
Ignore her - it will freak her out - and make things worse - but just continue to ignore her and eventually her childish tantrums will find a new target.

Your OH though - this is the real crunch.
You seriously need to have it out with him - as someone rightly pointed out above - how can you respect someone who is such a push-over? Do you really see this lasting if he continues like this?
You need to let him know this OP - he needs to understand that all his jumping and flipping to make everyone happy is having the opposite effect.
He needs to realise that he is the one causing most of the issues by not stepping up and setting clear boundaries - not only with his mother - but with you as well....
At the end of the day he is an adult - if he wants to ferry his mum around - that is his choice - but to whinge to you is disingenuous and will only get your back up over something that he clearly enjoys - it's great being the martyr... And that is what he is - stuck in the middle he is defining a role for himself for life - "poor aul me - never have it easy - mom at home and OH always at me... <sigh>"...

Being straight with you - BOTH of you need to cop on - wake up and really see what is going on here... Otherwise this really is doomed...
Limit your interactions with him mum - and whenever he starts IMMEDIATELY "Stop - don't want to know...."

loveisdivine

ztoical wrote: »

While it might seem mad to you and others, 8 years is not that long for some people and it may be the case that she was more upset he forgot as she saw it as he had forgot about his dad. QUOTE]

I understand what you are saying but I just wanted to clarify, she actually made this comment before the anniversary. It was during one of her nasty phone calls, she asked him if he was going to get her a present and when he replied "err no?" thats when she told him that it was mean of him not to get her one.
Obviously if he had forgot completely I could understand her being a little frustrated but she didnt even give him a chance.

I spoke with OH last night about why he has no problems with her saying these things, yet when I bring anything up I'm the bad guy and his response what that he doesnt care what she thinks so it doesnt matter to him what she says because he knows its not true.
He also says that he does care what I think so thats why he gets upset/annoyed when I start to "moan". I told him I didnt think this was fair and that although I dont lay awake at night worrying about what she thinks of me, I dont like being badmouthed.

When we were living there she always used to badmouth her other sons partner, especially after they had a baby, she would accuse the partner of trying to stop her seeing the baby and such. So I know that she will be badmouthing me behind my back to them, because she does it to all of us and thinks we dont realise.

At the end of the day OH and I love each other and the only problem we have in our relationship is when MIL rears her head and starts complaining/demanding.
I moved from another country to live with him so I'm not about to give up because of her, but if things dont start to change then I guess I will either have to be more stern with my requests or look at other options.

Today will be a good test though. OH plans to tell her our plans for christmas day, obviously our plans involve seeing her and the rest of family for a portion of the day, but we are planning to have our christmas dinner at home just the two of us later in the day and spend the evening together also as neither of us wants to be driving anywhere. We thought about inviting them over to our house for the evening but to be honest they wont want to do any driving either as they drink more than us, and they wont want to get taxi's because its expensive(also why we dont want to) and they have a young child in a car seat.
Lets see if she is happy with it or not. I dont think she will ike being told what we are doing but at the end of they day it is our christmas too.

Chicago Chick

loveisdivine wrote: »

Maybe I wouldnt mind so much if it wasnt for the fact that she says these horrible things about me, and rings my OH to tell him how bad I am for him, then comes round for dinner and acts like nothing has happened.

Thats what angers me, how can they both just sit there pretending everythings fine when only a few days ago she was slagging me and telling OH that he has "changed big time".

This would really annoy me too. As I have said above I do think it is up to your OH to sort this out with his mother however I really do feel that he should take a stand against her badmouthing you. You are his partner and he should have your back on this issue. He does not have to get into a massive arguement with her but he should be man enough to tell her that he is not prepared to listen to her bad mouth you and if she has nothing nice to say he would rather she say nothing on the issue. Your OH really does have to stand up to her if things are ever going to be civil between you all, I hope the christmas plans go well today.

metrovelvet

Does he like doing things for her and having her over for dinner?

Big Bag of Chips

OP - to me I see a very simple solution.

This woman annoys you - alot! The way your OH carries on around her and with her annoys you - alot - too!

Limit the amount of time you sepnd in her company. You will never like her. She will more than likely never like you.. stop pretending with each other. You say you can't believe that they just sit there pretending everything is ok... YOU sit there pretending it too!

Next time your OH tells you what day she is calling - say "Grand, I'll arrange to go out with the girls.. she's calling to see you, after all, not me" - and arrange to go sit in the pub with one of your pals and have a bitch about her. Tell your OH he can collect you on the way back from dropping her home.

I'm being serious by the way.

You are an adult - you are entitled to stand up for yourself. If your OH can't (some people depending on their upbringing, may NEVER be able to stand up to a parent) stand up for you, then you are entitled to do it yourself.

You don't need to be nasty or confrontational.. you just have to not stand for any of her nonsense. If you are in her company and she says something about you.. YOU question her on it.. You are only putting up with it because she's his mother. If it was any other person in your life - friend/colleague/random person in the street, you wouldn't accept it, so you don't have to accept it from her.

She's HIS mother - he is going to have a relationship with her.. you can be seperate to that. Don't get on to him about it. Don't give out about her. Don't make him choose. But let him know that you can't stand by and have her disrepsect you.. so you're not going to. Don't make it an argument with him.

Zen65

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

She's HIS mother - he is going to have a relationship with her.. you can be seperate to that. Don't get on to him about it. Don't give out about her. Don't make him choose.

I think it's fair to say that for some people, saying "no" to a parent can be very difficult, especially after one parent has died. This man's mother may have new boyfriends, but his father remains dead, and he feels a sense of loss which may subconsciously motivate him to "stand in for" his father in terms of maintaining harmony with his mother. That she has acquired now love interests may actually threaten him (even if he rationally has no issue with it), because part of his grieving for the loss of his father stems from missing the love he received from his father, and should his mother simply disappear into some new relationship, that could appear to him as the loss of his mother's love; a second bereavement so to speak.

It may seem far-fetched, but I was that soldier and I understand his desire to keep her humoured...... and it can last for decades!

Not to the point, however, that I would ever tolerate a bad word spoken about my partner. This is where OP's OH needs to man up and have an adult conversation with his mother. When my own mother bad-mouthed a partner of one of my siblings in my presence I told her in a calm tone that if she ever made such a comment about my partner she would never hear from me again, and would never see her grandchildren again. I don't know if it worked, but I don't recall her ever making such a comment about my wife either to me or to any of my siblings, not that there would have been any reason to.

OP, the advice from Bag_Of_Chips is very fair: you must not make your partner choose between you and his mother. You can, however let him know that you expect that he makes it clear to his mother that he won't accept any derisory comments being made about you. He needs to be very explicit with her about this, and not at all hot-headed or emotional.

After that, it really is worth trying to establish a good relationship with her (it doesn't have to be close, just without hostility on either side). She's afraid she may lose a son (and no bf can compensate her for that), he's afraid he may lose a mother. They have shared a loss together which endures like former soldiers from an army regiment; and time rarely heals that wound even if it's not immediately visible to either of them.



Be at peace,

Z

metrovelvet

When you lose a parent young you often have to fulfill roles that were vacated by that parent and your greatest fear is losing the other parent so you want to take care of them and not let them die with you feeling that you didnt do enough for them.

ohYeh

She is in her early 50's and needs to really be independent herself and stop relying on her son.

loveisdivine

Thanks for all the replies, its great to get so many opinions.

Well she took the christmas plans well, which is good, I feel better about that now.

Went to Ikea with her and the OH last night. Safe to safe it actually proved to be quite amusing, both of us couldnt stop laughing on the way home.
For some reason whenever MIL is around her son, she turns into a complete idiot. We went up to the self serve checkout and she got all panicky because she said she didnt know how to use them and wanted OH to do it for her. Which isnt a big deal really, although she has used the self serve before when its just me that has been with her.
While we were waiting in the queue myself and OH realised we had forgot something and said "were just gonna run back and grab them" we were only gone a for a minute at most but when we had got back she had removed herself from the queue because apparently "you can only pay by card and I didnt know if I wanted to", we then got back in the queue with her. OH scanned all her items for her while she stood and watched, then she got her card out, she had decided to use it after all!, and started fumbling around trying to put it into the chip and pin machine. Now this is when I started to laugh under my breath, this woman goes shopping with her friends every week, and just came back from a shopping trip to Chicago so she knows exactly how you put your card in a chip and pin machine!! OH ended up having to do it and he got cross with her and said "do you need me to put your pin in too?" I found all this hilarious

Talk about laying it on thick.

ztoical

loveisdivine wrote: »

Thanks for all the replies, its great to get so many opinions.

Well she took the christmas plans well, which is good, I feel better about that now.

Went to Ikea with her and the OH last night. Safe to safe it actually proved to be quite amusing, both of us couldnt stop laughing on the way home.
For some reason whenever MIL is around her son, she turns into a complete idiot. We went up to the self serve checkout and she got all panicky because she said she didnt know how to use them and wanted OH to do it for her. Which isnt a big deal really, although she has used the self serve before when its just me that has been with her.
While we were waiting in the queue myself and OH realised we had forgot something and said "were just gonna run back and grab them" we were only gone a for a minute at most but when we had got back she had removed herself from the queue because apparently "you can only pay by card and I didnt know if I wanted to", we then got back in the queue with her. OH scanned all her items for her while she stood and watched, then she got her card out, she had decided to use it after all!, and started fumbling around trying to put it into the chip and pin machine. Now this is when I started to laugh under my breath, this woman goes shopping with her friends every week, and just came back from a shopping trip to Chicago so she knows exactly how you put your card in a chip and pin machine!! OH ended up having to do it and he got cross with her and said "do you need me to put your pin in too?" I found all this hilarious

Not wishing to belittle the issues you've had with this women but you'd be surprised how dim some people can get when out with certain people. My mother is well able to look after herself but when she goes with me or my brother I think something just switches off and she can be a little dim on certain things. I think she likes to let someone else look after her for short time as she has a very stressful job where she is the boss and has to look after everyone. In this case she clearly likes having her son look after and as from your other post can take it waaaayyyy OTT but it's slowly improving it seems and maybe try and keep the laughing on the inside to avoid her turning on you. Also they don't have chip and pin in the states and I've come back from new york many a time and found I had to think for a minute on how to use the chip and pin.

Glad your relationship with her is improving.