Can't Get Over Him :(

LegacyUser

I'm not even sure why I'm starting this thread. I know what I have to do and I know what every one of you is going to say. It's the advice that I'd give anyone else. I just can't seem to follow my own advice...

My ex and I are trying to stay friends. I know it's stupid, seeing as he treated me quite badly and blamed me for his feelings for me changing, saying it was me being too clingy that pushed him away. He also knows that my feelings for him lasted a long time after our breakup and if I'm 100% honest with myself...are still there now to some extent.

I feel like he's playing games with me. Everytime I try to pull away from him, he tries to reel me in again. It's like he senses when I start to move on. He doesn't want anything more than a friendship with me, he's made that clear. But we talk almost everyday and I thought we were finally doing well at being friends. I was feeling ok about the whole situation. Then he messed me up again, arranging to meet me but cancelling at the last minute. Not the first time he's done that either. He tells me he wants to see me, then finds some awful excuse not to. It's like he needs to know that he can still mess me around. I feel like I'm going backwards.

I know I need space from him. I need to move on. I just can't seem to get rid of him. We were friends first so the thought of him not being in my life is so painful it takes my breath away if I think about it too much. But I think about him all the time. Everything reminds me of him. Literally, everything!

I don't feel physically attracted to him anymore. I think, basically, it's my best friend that I miss and the fact that he would willingly hurt me, again, breaks my heart. I feel sick, can't even look at food, cry at random intervals throughout the day, walk around like I'm in a daze, don't want to do anything but sleep, which I can easily do for about 15 hours a day. I have a horrible feeling of dread in my stomach. It almost feels like he died, he's changed so so much.

I'm not sure what I expect anybody to say. I think I just needed to get it off my chest. I think all my friends are sick of hearing about this now and can't understand why I'm not over it yet. I'm considering going to talk to a doctor, I don't think I'm dealing with this in a healthy way. I don't want a repeat of how I was when we first broke up. I lost about 2 stone, spent all my time in bed with the curtains pulled, isolated myself from everyone, just lay on my bed and cried. Couldn't watch tv, couldn't read, couldn't go out because I'd end up sobbing my eyes out when I got home, had no interest in anything. I feel like I'm going the same way again and I'm afraid I may be depressed.

Basically, just thanks for taking the time to read this...

LegacyUser

Ah Becky I know exactly how you feel having gone through the same situation recently. My ex broke my heart, I was absolutely devastated by the break up. I cried, I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. I hung on for any ounce of attention that my ex would give me and he used to call me all the time because he wanted us to be 'friends', I went along with this for ages. This is where I made my huge mistake.

The only, only, only way to get over your heartbreak is to cut contact with your ex. The short term pain will be worth it in the long run because trust me if you don't do it now, you will have to do it sometime because I guarantee you your ex will meet someone else and how are you going to feel then? My ex did meet someone else and it was like a dagger through my heart but the fact remains he broke up with me, he no longer loved me and while he was being 'friends' with me he was on the lookout for another girl all the time. The minute he got with her I hardly heard from him. My heart broke all over again.

Without doubt I prolonged the pain, I tortured myself and I ended up suffering all over again as a result. You need to start looking after YOU. Let him miss you. If you are always there for him then he will never miss you. Dig deep down and find the courage to cut the contact. If you think it will help then do go see a doctor, I have two fantastic friends that really helped me through my difficult time, turn to your best girlfriend or your mother. They love you and they will want to help you through this unbelieveably emotional and difficult time. Try and motivate yourself to go out and socialise, plan a trip, take up a new hobby, join a fitness class. Keep yourself occupied. If you sit at home dwelling on things then your thoughts will always keep you depressed. Try to remember the bad things about the relationship, write out a list of the bad things that your ex used to do, keep reading over this list if you find that your mind keeps creating this wonderful picture of him (which it tends to do when you are heartbroken).

You will work through this pain, it will take time but you will get through it faster if you help yourself. Send your ex a text and just say 'I need time out from you for a while, please respect my feelings and do not contact me anymore'. Then delete his number, delete all his texts and his messages, delete him and his family from facebook. Once you can do these things you will have made a giant step on the road to recovery. My only fear is that you will not do these things soon enough. As someone who knows you will go through a lot more pain and suffering unless you can take the power back and cut him from your life.

I hope you can find the strength to do it. Good luck!

tinkerbell

OP - being friends straight after a breakup generally does not work. You need to cut off all contact until you have completely moved on with your life and no longer feel anything for your ex. Until then, if you contact him - you'll go back into the cycle of him wrecking your head the whole time.

So if you want to get over him, text him now and say that you are moving on with your life and no longer want him in your life as a friend or anything else. Because nothing else is gonna work.

Hegarty

Cut all contact with your EX, dont text dont call ...nothing ....will be probably the hardest few weeks, if you dont do this you'll feel the same in 2 months time, if you cut contact then you'll move on ...I was the exact same as you so trust me on this, your emotionally involved ..LOVE you need to break contact and keep busy visit friends and get out dont be alone much during this time, try not to talk about your ex once you cut contact dont even explain to him just avoid him and calls and texts

Hegarty

Sorry yes maybe as the other poster explain that you dont want any contact
and just leave it after that. seriously trust what people are saying here its the best advise you will get

neveah

Absolutely NO CONTACT, I can't stress enough how important this is! Only when you can do this can you begin to heal and move on.

LegacyUser

OP, like the above posters I've been there. You poor thing, I know exactly what you're feeling. I went through the same thing, bad break-up but I was still in love with him, and couldn't BEAR the thought of not having him in my life. I was determined to stay friends with him, I even went as far as making excuses like 'I can't avoid him (even though of course I could have, and now I do) because we're in the same work circles, social circles, etc."

But like your ex, he was a selfish ****ing bastard by letting me get so far, letting me move on and make progress, and then reeling me back in with an 'I miss you' or 'I dreamt about you last night' message. It's emotional manipulation, a power trip.

Of course, I didn't see that at the time, my heart would skip a beat whenever I got a text message or saw him unexpectedly. I was being dragged back all the time. It's like you said, he needed validation that he could still control me in some way. It was a cycle that kept being repeated over and over again.

It took me 3 years to get over him, OP. 3 years. Please, please, please, don't let yourself waste as much of your life as I did on him. You won't believe me, but it IS possible to break contact. Completely. I eventually told my ex to stay out of my life because it was too painful to be in touch and see him with other women and I haven't seen or heard from him in about 6 or 7 months now, even though he put me on a guilt trip of 'I can't ever imagine you not in my life, you mean so much to me' (bullsh*t). If I meant that much to him, we would still be together. But you know what? I'm completely fine.

Nothing anyone can say about cutting contact with him will make you do it until you know you're ready, OP, and I think you're nearing that point and you know it. It's not easy but my God, it was such a relief for me. I realised that I was always unconsciously waiting for the next text message from him, or the next email. When I took the decision to cut him out of my life, I TOOK BACK THE POWER that he had over my emotions. Of course it was painful but it was a massive weight off my shoulders. I broke that cycle when I realised one day talking to my counsellor that I could still be there in 5 years having the exact same conversation about the exact same man, my life would be passing me by, I'd be missing out on opportunities to meet someone else, have a family, etc. It was very, very possible that that could have happened, too.

I would definitely recommend going to your doctor, he or she will recommend either counselling (which was brilliant for me) or maybe antidepressants (I've also been on a low dose, which definitely helped - but in the long-term you need to get to the root of the problem and I found talking to a counsellor helped me more).

You'll get through this OP, you've just got to find the inner strength to let him go. It's there. x

LegacyUser

Thanks so much everyone. I think I just needed to know that there were other people in the same situation. I felt like I was going crazy or that there was something wrong with me because all my friends have moved on so quickly from ex's, most of them still staying friends with them.

I actually feel ok today. Still a little bit sad obviously, but ok. I'm surprised. I haven't cut contact with him yet, but I also haven't spoken to him since last week. Not a lot but it's something.

I know that I don't want to be in a relationship with him any more. I don't trust him and I'm not attracted to him anymore. It's just the friendship that's hard to let go off. I'm getting there though, I think...

LegacyUser

Ok, I take it back. I feel awful again now. Definitely think I'm going to go talk to my doctor when I get a chance. I just want to curl up in bed and never have to get up.

neveah

Becky there are loads of ups and downs on the road to healing a broken heart. The good news is you felt ok today for a while. This is a good thing because you had a moment that wasn't consumed with your thoughts of him. You are still emotionally involved with him so you will be all over the place until you cut contact. Do it for yourself if you can at all. You will have more and more moments were you feel better and there will come a tme when you are over it but right now you are starting on the right path. Don't beat yourself you for having a sad moment. If you can at all try and distract yourself when you feel sad, ring a friend or talk to a family member or something like that. Don't be too hard on yourself

katie99

May I ask how long you were going out together and if this was your first 'serious' relationship?
My advice simple. STOP seeing this guy period. You cannot be friends with him. He is show you no respect, even as a friend because you say he has cancelled meeting up with you on more than one occasion.
You will never move on and give yourself the opportunity to meet another guy if you continue have your ex in your life.
So DROP him. FORGET him.
Yes, by all means go to your doctor. But tbh you need a wake up call, a reality check. What will your doctor say any differently than what has been said here to you by other posters?
You need to wake up and smell the coffee. It is very very difficult to remain friends with an ex.
Tell him you no longer want to remain in contain and ask him to respect your wishes. NO texts, no phone calls, no emails. NO MORE CONTACT.

BrokenHeartedBecky wrote: »

I'm not even sure why I'm starting this thread. I know what I have to do and I know what every one of you is going to say. It's the advice that I'd give anyone else. I just can't seem to follow my own advice...

My ex and I are trying to stay friends. I know it's stupid, seeing as he treated me quite badly and blamed me for his feelings for me changing, saying it was me being too clingy that pushed him away. He also knows that my feelings for him lasted a long time after our breakup and if I'm 100% honest with myself...are still there now to some extent.

I feel like he's playing games with me. Everytime I try to pull away from him, he tries to reel me in again. It's like he senses when I start to move on. He doesn't want anything more than a friendship with me, he's made that clear. But we talk almost everyday and I thought we were finally doing well at being friends. I was feeling ok about the whole situation. Then he messed me up again, arranging to meet me but cancelling at the last minute. Not the first time he's done that either. He tells me he wants to see me, then finds some awful excuse not to. It's like he needs to know that he can still mess me around. I feel like I'm going backwards.

I know I need space from him. I need to move on. I just can't seem to get rid of him. We were friends first so the thought of him not being in my life is so painful it takes my breath away if I think about it too much. But I think about him all the time. Everything reminds me of him. Literally, everything!

I don't feel physically attracted to him anymore. I think, basically, it's my best friend that I miss and the fact that he would willingly hurt me, again, breaks my heart. I feel sick, can't even look at food, cry at random intervals throughout the day, walk around like I'm in a daze, don't want to do anything but sleep, which I can easily do for about 15 hours a day. I have a horrible feeling of dread in my stomach. It almost feels like he died, he's changed so so much.

I'm not sure what I expect anybody to say. I think I just needed to get it off my chest. I think all my friends are sick of hearing about this now and can't understand why I'm not over it yet. I'm considering going to talk to a doctor, I don't think I'm dealing with this in a healthy way. I don't want a repeat of how I was when we first broke up. I lost about 2 stone, spent all my time in bed with the curtains pulled, isolated myself from everyone, just lay on my bed and cried. Couldn't watch tv, couldn't read, couldn't go out because I'd end up sobbing my eyes out when I got home, had no interest in anything. I feel like I'm going the same way again and I'm afraid I may be depressed.

Basically, just thanks for taking the time to read this...

LegacyUser

katie99 wrote: »

May I ask how long you were going out together and if this was your first 'serious' relationship?
My advice simple. STOP seeing this guy period. You cannot be friends with him. He is show you no respect, even as a friend because you say he has cancelled meeting up with you on more than one occasion.
You will never move on and give yourself the opportunity to meet another guy if you continue have your ex in your life.
So DROP him. FORGET him.
Yes, by all means go to your doctor. But tbh you need a wake up call, a reality check. What will your doctor say any differently than what has been said here to you by other posters?
You need to wake up and smell the coffee. It is very very difficult to remain friends with an ex.
Tell him you no longer want to remain in contain and ask him to respect your wishes. NO texts, no phone calls, no emails. NO MORE CONTACT.

I know you're trying to help and thank you for that, but I feel that was a bit unnecessarily harsh.

I have had a reality check. I know what I have to do. I just need to do it in my own time. I'm getting there and I feel like you're attacking me. I came here to ask for some support, not to be made to feel like my doctor is going to roll her eyes and tell me to cop on.

I don't feel I need to go to my doctor just because I broke up with my boyfriend (of just a year, but friends before that, a relationship which wasn't my first, but was the one where I felt the strongest about the guy), I feel I need to speak with her because I'm not dealing with this very well or in a healthy way. I know me and I'm not ok. I have huge changes in how I feel, it varies by hour. You can see that from my earlier posts. My doctor will tell me the same as you have, but she'll also give an expert opinion in why this is making me so unbearably sad and why I'm finding it so hard to deal with. Well that's what I had been hoping, I'm afraid she's going to just tell me to get over it now.

I said in my first post that I knew what I had to do. And I will do it. I haven't spoken to him since he last cancelled on me. I know it doesn't seem a lot, but it's a big step for me. I'm getting there. I am over 'him', I just miss my (former) best friend. I'm finding that a lot harder to deal with than him not wanting to be my boyfriend anymore.

I'm sorry if I'm over reacting to what you said, I'm just feeling really fragile right now and reading your post had me in floods of tears. I know you were just trying to help...

girvtheswerve

Hey OP,

I feel your pain. Its the worst feeling in the world when you're trying to move on but all you can think of all day is your ex.

Try to keep busy and do stuff with friends. If you sit around thinking about it you'll just feel worse. Believe me I know thats the case.

You know yourself what to do, you need to give it time and stay away from him. I know it seems like the hardest thing in the world but its the only way you'll get over all this.

You're not weird for being really upset. Im still gutted over my break up that happened a few weeks ago. Ive had some of the worst days ever. Then I start to feel like all I ever do is moan to people about how bad I feel. Its just a crap time. But you'll get through it.

Posting on here is a good idea, its always good to get it out and tell people whats going on in your head. And you can say whatever you want wihtout fear of friends judging you.

Anyway I hope you feel better soon:)